I have always had an ideal image of who I would like to be, but it hasn’t been until the two years or so that I have started striving to make it reality. Until I got pregnant with my daughter, I never really kept my mind straight enough to make a long-term goal, nonetheless act on a short term. After my ex I was in a really bad place mentally and emotionally since I was stupid and gave up all my independence to him for two years. I was young and dumb and typical. I moved back to my parents in the state of depression and mania. My mind was all over the place and I had the worst emotions running rampant. Well who decided to contact me out of the blue…remember that wonderful recruiter back in high school who pretty much told me I was too fat to join but still good enough to fuck? Yay, yes, him. Well, he was recently divorced and wanted to meet up for drinks. It’s embarrassing to look back now, it’s like I am watching a badly made soap opera that I am cringing at every minute. So, my young so very stupid, 24ish year old mind was ecstatic and thought it to be absolute fate. (Really he was just a desperate disgusting perverted pig waiting to pounce and just happened to watch my FB till the moment I was single again (no hard feelings anymore but he really was, he kept a picture of every girl he fucked (he and his buddy had a contest to see who could have the most (ugh I’m in there) and apparently his therapist said this was therapeutic (bullshit)))(also he gained over 300 lbs.). Well, anyways, I of course dated him and moved in with him. I met his kids, and when he asked me to marry him less than a month later, I of course said yes, because it was fate. *face palm, face palm, face palm* It really is like watching the worst cringeworthy movie. Well, it was all going ok for few weeks or so, he played video games all day while living off assistance while I worked at Walmart and went home and cooked and cleaned. Well, eventually something seemed really off (no way!) and I kept thinking he was cheating on me, maybe with his ex-wife? Well, then came the day he said we needed to talk (also, remember I still have the mania, my mind is just masking it) So I got home and sat down to talk, he asked if he could hold the ring he gave me and he would give it back (bastard only wanted to talk because of the damn ring) and so I did. Then came the part where he told me he was actually gay and just never accepted it beforehand (there has got to be a meme for this). Well, I of course freaked out and the mania finally released, and it would over the next year. He apologized (because seriously, sorry makes up for everything he did) but admitted how talking to me helped him find his way (really asshole?) and gave me 25 bucks and rented a room for me to sleep at for a night (what a nice fella). Well I of course spun into a spiral of depression and ended up having to check myself into a psych ward where they wouldn’t let me out until I was no longer suicidal.
The psych ward wasn’t overly bad, it still sucked though. A typical day was having vitals and medicaiton given on a regular basis. The pills they gave me put me in a wierd calm haze but considering I wanted to forget living I did not overly mind it. I spent a lot of the time walking back and fourth in the hallway and sleeping. There was a girl who became my roommate the night I got there but I was sleeping when she checked in. We liked each other right away. She had been in there a few times before. She was a bad alcoholic but she was younger than I was at the time, I think she was only 22 at the time. She had been an alcoholic since she was a teenager though. Her family had tried checking her in to the hospital the night she came in and she ran away from the hospital so the police ended up having to chase her down. She left before I did to an long term inpatient program, I never heard from her again but I hope she figured her life out.
There was another girl in there who was very angry. I do not really know her story but I had heard she’d been in there many times. She was on the phone once talking to her parents I think and got really pissed off and smashed the phone. They ended up having to put her in a straight jacket and in a padded room. She was screaming and thrashing against the walls and the employees so it was pretty understandable.
There was a nice older man in there who had attempted suicide. He had originally found his wife dying from suicide and thought she was dead when he found her so he slashed his wrists too. Their son who was an EMT found them. I think she just took pills though and had her stomach pumped. I know she had just gotten out before I got there but he was still waiting to be released. He agreed the booze was the issue with them, I really hope they stopped drinking and became happy.
There was a Native boy from another reservation. If I remember correctly, he was on drugs and was suicidal so his family checked him in. He was really quiet at first but talked quite a bit to me after awhile. Many of the patients did actually, they said I was really easy to talk to. I was told I had too much going for me to be in there but I felt as dead as them. This boy eventually was able to leave but before he did he had his girlfriend meet me. She gave me a big hug and said somehow I was able to get through to him. I still don’t know what I did honestly but he seemed to leave with high hopes for himself. I hope he made something of himself. I know he wanted to go back to school. I would be really happy if he did.
I ended up staying about a week in the ward. Vitals and pills were constant. I remember watching the rain fall through the barred windows. All I could see were brick walls out of my room window. The crows looked beautiful. There were no blinds and no shut doors, no privacy. I behaved well enough to get some gym time, it was depressing but we made the best of it. I remember looking through the commons room windows at a gas station I used to go to when I was in high school. I liked to get Icee’s from there, it was wierd to be looking at it a few years later from the psych ward.
Once I got out of the ward I ended up in the Y.W.C.A. for a while until I found a roommate in a shitty apartment in the shittiest part of that city. Ironically it was across from the hospital I was at so I could always see the ward windows I was in. I lost every sense of self. I spent a good year partying hard nonstop, sleeping around, job hopping, and building up an impressive amount of debt and collections. I ended up having to move back to my parents since that kind of life leads to becoming homeless (there are only so many couches to sleep on). The small town they lived in wasn’t much better, but I was able to work at the Pizza Ranch and start paying bills again. Well, the partying never really stopped, and I met the sperm donor to my daughter, a wonderful meth head. I got knocked up, my parents said they weren’t going to help me anymore. I ended up in a Catholic maternity home (oh the stories about his place (I’m still waiting for the exorcism they insisted I needed)) and somehow from all that I had a turning point and became strong in every sense. Now I just turned 28, have an almost two year old daughter, have her parents whom are my best friends, have my own place with my pets, am back in school, have consolidated all my debt so my credit score keeps going up, pay all my bills on time, have a job with amazing benefits, and am now blogging for therapy, and it has helped more than meds and talk therapy ever did. Yeah, after 28 years, I’m pretty good now, still things to work on but still, pretty good. I have always said my daughter saved my life, and she continues to make me stronger.
Well I am registered for three classes and have my books ordered. I think I will only stick with 9 credits this semester so can get back into the habit of school work. Plus, I work a full-time job and hockey will be starting soon so I don’t want to over burden myself. I have done pretty well with my eating except I did binge a little yesterday but purging once doesn’t make me feel too overly guilty with how well I have been doing. This evening is Bailey’s playdate so I am excited for that, he has been inside so much because of the heat and its now cool enough he will fully enjoy himself. I am good but now I need my coffee so I will get going, after all, I should do a little bit of work today anyways. Well, have a good day everyone!