Withdrawing from College

I have been listening to a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki lately, k-pop and j-pop in general actually. It reminds me of more simpler times, a bit more innocent and when I had high hopes and dreams for myself. I haven’t listened to much of it since I was in my teens to lower twenties. I felt like I could do anything back than. Like I could accomplish anything I wanted and all my dreams would come true. It’s kind of funny and sickening how naive I was back than. I wanted what any stupid girl wanted, the fairy tale life of meeting the perfect man, falling in love, having an extravagant wedding, having my own home, a man who would love me and buy me presents, and just living happily ever after. Damn how much have I changed. I have learned that most men are just womanizing pigs who cheat, but so are women. I have to make it on my own, there is no man who is there to be a knight in shining armor for me, and honestly if there was it probably wouldn’t work out at this point, I would feel suffocated. I am so far gone from the innocent girl that I was. I imagine it to be like a dog who has been kicked too many times, sure they can love an owner but they are still broken so to say. I can’t be taken care of except by myself.


Well, I think I have made the decision to withdraw from school. I am overwhelmed these days on a constant basis and I honestly don’t know what for. I finished up my associates and that was my main goal, but I have no idea what I want to major in at this point. I am sacrificing work and school for work and school and for what? A degree in Ethics that is pointless on its own? The bank however has many opportunities without degrees. They take pride in teaching people the in’s and out’s and providing them with opportunities to grow without degrees. We have management who don’t have degrees, they have just worked themselves up.

What is sad is I make more than some teachers with degrees in the area and I hear so often people saying their degrees went to waste because they do nothing in the field that they wanted. I wanted to finish up my associates and I did that, I wanted a career where I could grow and I have that, my next goal is to get financially stable and I am on my way there. I could honestly switch school for a part time job and still have more rest at this point because every morning is spent in class where as part time would only be 2-3 mornings a week.

Does it make sense to hurt my career for an education that could be useless, and with the way I am headed, will be? I do not have time for myself and isn’t that where healthy coping mechanisms are found? In myself? I am discovering drawing again and I haven’t drawn in years. I am finding the beauty in music and am seeing the music in my head again and that has been years as well since that has happened. I am wanting to blog more because it is therapeutic for me. I want to spend more time with my pup and kitties. I will probably be able to see my daughter a little bit more too. I want to promote my book more and be that hope for others.

I am not sure how broken I am but I know my mind can only handle so much. I feel like a lot of this disorder is acceptance. I accept that I will always be fighting with myself, I accept that I can never get too excited and happy because than I become off balance and hit a major low, I accept that I will always want to fool myself into wanting drinks in stressful times or to purge, I accept I will not be able to be interested in one subject long enough to make a long term goal out of in terms of education, and I guess now I accept that my mind cannot handle as much as a healthy one.

My life has to have balance. Maybe in the future I will want to go back to school, after a year the bank offers tuition reimbursement, and with that I don’t have to be full time, I could just take a class. I cannot take just a class however with my scholarships, I have to be full time. It was fun though. I am not a failure, I have done my goals, now I need to follow the path that will lead me to success.


I have been having terrible tummy pains after I eat. I am wondering how much of this is because I am trying to stop the purging. I imagine my tummy to be paper thin by this point. I have read that maybe it could be not enough stomach acid to break down food so I am trying an apple cider vinegar mixture to help as I have read that does wonderful things for the tummy. I have been doing fairly well on controlling the purging I guess, I think it will get a lot better now. I have never been able to focus on myself, like I have had goals such as bills and school to achieve, getting a new safe apartment, getting a safe car, having nice clothes and presenting myself well, getting over the drinking and purging, but there has never been that self insight that I have worked on, such as drawing. This life seems so pointless and meaningless but I also don’t have much enjoyments other than hockey and my daughter. Now I can work on developing more.


Well, I suppose that is all I have today. I am pretty tired but have to get going to work soon. It’s kinda a bummer post I suppose but I am also kinda relieved in a way. I don’t do well on lack of sleep. Have a good evening everyone, be good to yourselves.

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I Drew Today

I finally had my visions again, it has been years. So now I am drawing a picture for my daughter for her birthday next month.


Am I capable of being content long term or even happy? I know I don’t like my life right now, if I had more money sure and more time to sleep, but I pick up overtime and am exhausted or money goes to bills. I am so lost in this life. I guess it’s normal though, unless someone is born with money or marries someone who makes a lot of money than they are just stuck like me. It’s not often that someone can build themselves up enough to be financially great when they are born into nothing. I had so much determination but now I am just bored of it all and see no end in sight or even any hope for that matter. Sure I love philosophy, but its a worthless major unless paired with something. This life is so pointless, there should be more than this but I feel like capitalism has ruined much of that. Hmm…I am not sure if this is a depression, I do not think so even though it is similar symptoms. I think it is just a normal part of figuring life out while running on little sleep. There’s not really any anxiety lately, nor is there any thoughts of dying, sadness, or anything that would be classified with depression, just a lot of boredom. That boredom though is what gets me, this repetition, I get so bored. I have been debating on applying for a dispatching job but I am trying to ask myself how much am I wanting to switch jobs because I am bored of this repetition and am losing sight of my goals. Hockey will start soon so maybe that will help.


I think its been three weeks now since I drank, I am still not sure lol, it feels like it never existed. I do not think my sense of time will ever return. It’s kinda weird to not have a past, at least not one that I really remember anymore, like I remember but I don’t, I feel like at this point I am just living off memories in my book. I will occasionally have random flash backs but nothing major or important, mainly with scents I think. Otherwise none of it feels like it’s me, I feel like I am reading about someone else. So I don’t have long term memories, I mainly have memories of the past couple years, but those get really messed up in terms of time frames, I mainly remember the good ones with my daughter and her family.

My purging has been a bit shitty, none today though, I am getting past this part, I have to. My tummy has been so fucked up though. I am not sure how much its a bug going around versus trying to keep food down again, well…it cant be worst than the last recover right? Lol.


Has anyone ever heard of sword and scale? I have to say this podcast has definitely made me look at life differently. I have always known humans could be plain evil for obvious reasons but this podcast just brought a whole new meaning. I also like the episodes where abuse victims speak out about their childhood, especially men. Not much is ever heard of male molestations. I have read that the true stats for male molestations could be just as high as female, but females already have a hard time coming out because “all we want is attention” and for males its not just attention, its their “man-hood?” Like men are supposed to want sex and sex makes them a man so I guess its harder to take seriously or something, idk. Anyways, listening to pedophile cannibalism, serial killers, extremely detailed crimes, and any form of non-sexual childhood abuse, it definitely makes me happy I had the childhood I did, granted I shouldn’t be happy about it, but it could have been so much worst. Also I know there is no measure to suffering, but at least I didn’t have my vag cut up.


Well, I have to get going to work, sorry if this seems rushed, I just wanted to give my readers an update. I am trying to get back to blogging. I know it is good therapy. I fight with myself too much and run out of time. Have a good evening everyone. Keep your heads up. 🙂

Doing Better

Hey peeps. It’s been awhile eh? I seem to always leave you hanging, sorry about that. Well, once again I have gone through another change, funny how that is…I blame the BPD. Although I don’t know if it’s actually a change, maybe just a realization. I mean, obviously we know I am an alcoholic, I just realize now how much of one. I have definitely made all the choices of an alcoholic, denial, acceptance, denial, excuses, denial, it’s actually a fairly classic path. I knew it would make the binging and purging come back, and it did. I am very self aware in knowing myself, it’s a gift and curse, it’s like I am always fighting with myself. I can’t really fight about myself with this anymore though. I tried buying small serving bottles of wine to limit myself, I would always drink them all. I tried buying low alcoholic beverages like white claws, I would drink 12 of them. There are no limitations with alcohol, and the funny thing I don’t even enjoy it. I always thought it shut off my brain but it really doesn’t, alternative sources have helped me realize what true relaxation and peace is.

It has been over weeks now I think since I drank. I honestly cannot really remember. I feel like it was around the 14th? My mind sucks, I do not think I will ever get it back. I feel good though. I do not miss it. The purging got bad for a couple days there as I knew it would. That is fairly under control, as in it’s not something I feel the need to do. Funny thing is lately I have actually been liking my body. Like sure I can’t see all my bones anymore but that’s okay, I didn’t like being that skinny. It hurt and was gross. Anyways, I do not have cravings to drink, it is very easy to say no thanks. Turns out I do not like feeling like shit all the time. What is funny is I did not even realize how much shit I felt like until it was all out of my system and than I went back. There is a disdain for who I am on alcohol. I am not brave like I always thought, not more outgoing, not more confident, I was just lonely, stupid, weak, unconfident, I was just masking all my insecurities. It is funny how easy and fast it is to deal with insecurities once you accept that you have them.


School is going fairly good now. I switched up my classes a couple weeks back, lets just say no way am I going into business, it is SO BORING. I am now taking three philosophy classes and a terrorism class. I feel very much at home but I find it ironic that I find a subject that I am finally fully interested in it’s worth practically nothing in terms of a career unless double majored, so now I have to find something else I am interested in. It’s taken ten fricken years to find an interest, so I do not know what exact direction I will be going in from here. Terrorism is fairly interesting but I don’t know what good a degree in political science will do if I don’t want to go into law. There is some fear that nothing will ever suit me since I don’t know who I will be tomorrow.


They say crazy people don’t know they are crazy, but shit, sometimes its knowing that we are is what makes us crazy.


I am still trying to survive financially. I need to stop having manic episodes, like sure I caught the one early on last time but when you live paycheck to paycheck, a few hundred dollar spending spree hurts. I know this is something I will always have, I just hope one day I can afford it. It’s like I have to be able to afford having my mental disorder.

My daughter was pretty pissed at me this weekend. I felt really bad. Friday night she didn’t want much to do with me and Saturday I was trying to play fetch with her with Bailey. She got so mad at me for throwing the ball. I couldn’t understand it and she said she didn’t want me to play with her anymore and to go away and was just screaming at me. I didn’t know a toddler could make me cry lol. When I calmed her down we had a heart to heart, pretty much I think she misses me and doesn’t understand the new change of schedule. I used to be over almost everyday when I worked 7-4 M-F. Now that I work 330-Midnight Sun-Thurs, and am in class M-F mornings, she really doesn’t see me much except for Friday evenings and Saturdays. The Saturday before last was when I had my girls day out with her mom and last Saturday we saw a 4pm showing of IT Part II, so that is pretty much three weeks without time spent together. So yeah, she was pretty pissed off at me, also I think she was really Hangry, but still, it made me realize how close she is to me and needs me around. So next Saturday I am not doing any OT (I have also been picking up hours the past couple weeks for OT on Saturday mornings) and am making it all about her. I will also try to FaceTime her a couple evenings a week on break at work. I have to do better and show her that she is still my heart.


Life is hard, life is a struggle of fuckery hell for some of us, I am an alcoholic but I also realize this so I can fix it. I am smart and a college student, I am poor bitch though. I don’t know, life is life.

I had better get to class, have a good day everyone, be good to yourselves. 🙂 Peace.

Setback

I am very disappointed in myself these days. I know I am so much better than what I am and can achieve anything so why do I have to be so human? Obviously because I am human but still. I know drinking and binging feed on each other, I  also know when I don’t get enough sleep I make piss pour decisions. With school, work, and spending time with my daughter I have a very tight window for adequate sleep, except I have been tired since before school started when I got really sick. So here I sit, reminiscing on manic spending (I mean, it was food so I will be stocked up for a while), a tad bit hungover (six beers can bring me down these days), raw gums (since hey, purging is familiar and comfortable) while drinking my coffee, refiguring out finances, trying to stay caught up on homework, all while telling myself I am too old for this shit and I seriously just need to learn to go to fucking bed.

I am too old for this shit and honestly have too much going for me to be playing this game with my other self or however we want to refer to her. I don’t know, maybe just the bitch lol. Seriously though, I love my life and am proud of everything that I have, I am too exhausted to fall, I have worked hard for what I have. Gawd damnit, when will this stupid BPD go away?

Well, that is my ranting, great way to give a heads up on how I am doing. I have chili boiling, am about to shower and get ready for work. I am just so disappointed in myself and who better to tell than the world? I don’t want to worry my best friend because I know this is just a damn fluke I have to get past, there is no room for failure, just occasional setbacks and this is one of them. Sigh, be good to yourself, I am trying. I am just giving myself the space to grow and not putting too much stress on myself. I always figure it out. What is funny is I am not even depressed, this is all just unnecessary habit.

Update

To be honest, I never wanted it to burn

I mean, I did

But not in the way it is now

You see, when you are being fucked as a child, a small innocent two year old, you want it all gone. I always thought I wanted it to burn, but now that it is, it’s the saddest mixed emotions. My childhood home, Alaska, is literally on fire. I see friends who are dealing with the smoke and losing everything they have to fire. It’s not what I wanted while it is. Life can be ironic.


The sky is overcast today with a cool breeze. I enjoy this weather. There has been too much sun lately, it gets exhausting to have too many nice days. They aren’t as enjoyable when there are too many of them. I wish it would rain though, like a nice steady rain. Lately when it rains it feels like a hurricane, no joke, sure I live in North Dakota but our winds will get up to 80 mph with absolute downpour. That is far from relaxing.


School starts this week. I feel kind of nervous for on campus classes. I feel old to be in class but I am sure I will find others my age too. I switched my classes around a bit. I am not comfortable taking 15 credits while working full time, at least not right away since I haven’t taken classes on campus for over a decade. I want to be able to try and socialize a bit. So now I am taking Intro to Entrepreneurship, Accounting, Statistics, and Environmental Ethics. I wanted a class I could look forward to and I knew I would enjoy Environmental Ethics, I am also hoping it will help with joining the environmental club. I am still a full time student with 12 credits, I have to be to stay on scholarship and grants.


I cant say I have been great. I was on a high for awhile there, I honestly believe it was real. I know I can accomplish great things. It’s scary to know you have that much strength and power in you. Scary enough that you need to find any reason to be weak. So I found a reason that honestly wasn’t a reason at all but just an excuse and self vomited. There was no reason with fearing weight gain but all centered around familiarity. When I went to the store last night I mindlessly bought chips, cheese, and liquor. I did the same old same old but the emotions weren’t there. The feel good wasn’t there. I felt like I was just watching myself from the outside, studying myself. Have you ever experienced that? It’s a weird moment of understanding. It’s like an ending because now I know how I look. I saw myself.


Work has been going great but I decided to get sick last week. I am still dealing with the remainder of it. I had a bad migraine with a cold and possible sinus infection. I am pretty sure I was close to bronchitis with how raw my lungs felt. DayQuil and NyQuil work amazing. I am so thankful to have sick leave but I still plan on working OT next weekend since there’s a good chance it will be available. I have really good managers who are very into personal development and growth. I am thankful for my job. I still feel a bit animosity against my previous workplace. It’s weird when you want a founder to accomplish his dream because it will literally save hundreds of thousands of lives but you want a shitty manager to fail because he’s just that shitty. I am sure that will go away over time.


I am not sure why I blogged. I know I keep saying I want to get back into it again, but life has been fairly blah and blerg. Maybe now that school is starting I will have more to blog about. We will see. I had better go shower and get ready for work. Bailey has an ear infection. I hope he doesn’t need to go to the vet. I am trying some ear mite ointment with aloe for it. I am reading apple cider can really help. Well, I had better get going. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves.

Invincible

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.


I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 


I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.


I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.


It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 


I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.

Unbearable Thirst

Its an unbearable thirst, detoxing that is, and maybe I am not even detoxing at this point, but all I want is a drink, I need a drink, no fluids satisfy me. In fact I am taking a piss at least once every hour if not more. I want my mind to be gone. I want to be gone. I want to fall and fly at the same time. I want to breath and choke. I want to scream, cry, and fight. Gawd please someone just beat the shit out of me. No shakes but right now I could go for them. I could go for feeling like shit so this feeling of need would go away. Nothing entertains me, I even got a new iPad Pro today, but I am still so bored, so bored with this life, so bored with myself, so bored with all my shit, I just want that good time, fuck the repercussions right? Come on everybody let the good time roll. I sure hope the Zofran helps, I doubled that dose, it’s the best I could think of doing for myself. Fuck this unrelenting thirst, I feel like vampire that has been sleeping for ages. The fuck is this shit.