Oh Well

Soooo, staying sober for a month didn’t go as planned. HOWEVER, I am in a new mindset about this. I don’t do well with depravity, in fact it gives me cravings for more of something. But having a couple drinks last night was relaxing, however, its not the same. I have noticed it changing for awhile but its like I was drinking before to get to that point of needing it like I needed it before, I just was never able to get there. I don’t know how else to explain it other then I know I don’t need it. It was just a good night and that was it. It is nice to know I don’t need it though because school is starting and that comes before any fun. So…yeah, first and only New Years Resolution broken. Its whatever Lol.


SCHOOL STARTS TODAY! So I am very excited for school starting. I don’t know why, it just seems very right. I am so excited to be learning more.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

This was the first thing my Creative Writing instructor posted. I am going to love this class.

I am taking a Business Computer class because it will really help with work since everything we do is computer related, so I am excited to be taking that. I am taking a nutrition class that I think will really benefit me for obvious reasons. I am excited for my Social Problems class because of the world I grew up in. I am hoping to gain better insight into our society…or at least a normal view.


So last night I drank as much as I normally would. I should have taken into account that low carbing makes alcohol hit harder and I haven’t drank in almost a week, so I am actually becoming fairly hungover. I feel like my body was probably a little to used to alcohol. Oh well, live and learn. School has started so I really can’t drink as much as I was anyways. It’s just weird though to feel this hungover. I feel like I need to throw up but I wont. Although last night I actually ate and drank but did not purge, so thats actually a pretty big achievement for me…so thats good for the future.


I think I will go open a savings account today during lunch. Bailey is in daycare today and he had his grooming session. I am excited to see how pretty he looks. He got a bath, brushed, toe nails clipped, ears cleaned, butt cleaned, and teeth brushed.


Ughh, I will have to end this short, the bitch (coworker) won’t stop snooping on me…like I don’t know if she’s actually snooping on me but she keeps walking through my office for no real reason. Sooo, well, I’ll end this because I barely can get any words in. Have a good day everyone!

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Pressuring Myself

05Jan2018

I love these beautiful mornings. The sky is starting to look like winter again. For awhile there they almost looked like summer clouds it was so warm. While I do appreciate the warm weather, that is not the way our seasons are supposed to work. Our planet and the animals are all meant to be on a certain cycle but that cycle is so off balance. I had a theory about humanity a while back. I read this theory that the Arc Gene, the gene that is theoretically responsible for giving us our intelligence, could have possibly been a virus. It would explain so much because the ultimate goal of a virus is to infect, what better way to infect the Earth then buy giving a mammal intelligence. Ultimately, with that intelligence we are polluting and killing the planet, so infecting the Earth. There does seem to be a change happening however with people waking up and realizing that this planet can eventually die if we don’t change.

This was how yesterday began, it didn’t really wind up as good as it started, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth just posting that paragraph.


The weather this morning is overcast, it is a gloomy day. I am okay with that. I picked up hours at work and my mood today is kind of just bleh. When I am at work I fool others into thinking I am always this really happy chipper person, it almost makes me fool myself. The coworker I am working with though is a friend so I can be fairly honest with him of how I am feeling. It is nice to have that at work too. I have some sausage, eggs, and bacon cooking, it smells pretty good. Hopefully that with my coffee with lift my mood. I went to bed a little late, almost midnight. I was working on bills, my spring semester schedule, and listening to creepy videos on youtube. I like listening to creepy videos of hauntings, 911 calls, or even the dark web. I also like watching walkthroughs of creepy video games.


Day 6 of my Month of Sobriety

Well, today marks day six without a drink. I do not really feel any more possible detox symptoms, if I ever had any. I was pretty stressed and bummed last night and really felt like I needed a drink and my mind kept trying to fool me into thinking I did, but I didn’t. I think there is a difference between “needing” a drink and “wanting” a drink. It’s the “needing” that I have to watch out for. Well, I had some tummy tea and night time tea instead while cleaning and figuring finances. Other then that being sober is pretty easy. I still am excited to try one of my new wines but after a month I will appreciate it a lot more.


Eating Wise

I managed to take a shit two days in a row so I think that means my tummy is figuring itself out.  My friend suggested eating cooked veggies because they are easier to digest. I thought it was the other way around so I was loading up on salad. Well, I ate a ton of steamed veggies yesterday because they were pretty good and went and bought a nice little steamer last night. It is just a stovetop one but if it does the trick, great! Normally if I eat cooked veggies it is from my soup but now that I know this I will be making sure half my veggies are cooked. I have not binged or purged in six days and have been loading up on probiotics and tummy tea. The tummy tea I bought is supposed to help the probiotics get deep inside the digestive tract before they start working, it sounds like a gimmick but I will see I suppose. I have been fairly bloated so I am still trying to load up on water. I do not want to take a laxative, I want my tummy to figure its stuff on its own. It is easier not to eat so much or want to purge after a few days. I think that is why I like keto so much, because I can eat without guilt. I feel different this time though, it’s all a lot easier.


I have to wonder if I am putting too much pressure on myself. To not drink AND not to b/p. Am I setting myself up for failure? With my ten goals, I would rather fail at not drinking for a month, that seems to have the least percussions. I cannot fail at the b/p, my teeth can’t last much longer if I do. I suppose I can have all new ones put in, but that seems like a lot of unnecessary money. Am I giving myself too much pressure my blogging? I would like to think of it as a stress reliever, but maybe not with so many goals. I start school tomorrow and from there on life will be overly busy. Tomorrow will already suck at work. Sigh, not sure what to think right now peeps, good night.

Trying to Explain Myself

My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before  the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.


Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?


Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety

Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?


Eating Wise

Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.


I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.


I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.


I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%.  Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!

All Over

Well, its a new day, the sun is shining and its actually above zero this morning. There were a couple hiccups with my rental agency due to misinformation but I have that squared away. I just had to switch around dates for bills. I am being optimistic and not freaking out over the smallest inconvenience.


Day 3 of Month of Sobriety

Sooo…maybe there are a few withdrawal sides I am experiencing. Yesterday I spent the day feeling weird. I drank a lot of water but I had an ache gross feeling a lot of the day. Its like I had a weird pressure in my head and neck. I am not sure this can all be contributed to keeping food down. I am thinking maybe I was just detoxing my body with all the water I was drinking. I had my night time tea and even though it knocked me out fairly quickly I still woke up quite a few times sweaty. So, I am thinking my sleep patterns are fairly off, which makes sense because I am used to staying up till midnight or later playing video games. My head is fairly full this morning so I am downing the liquids again. I had a hot cup of green tea right away because I have read this is good for detoxing. I don’t really have any shakes or anything, so maybe this is all my body doing a normal detox. I need to get myself straight before school starts next week, at least have some sort of self control.


Eating Wise

Well, I have been sticking to my meat and veggies, not a lot of cheese since I have realized by body doesn’t digest it the best without eating a crap load of veggies first. I haven’t taken a shit in a couple days now so I took another probiotic this morning and had a cup of smooth move tea. Tomorrow is payday so I can buy some more veggies with a higher fiber content.


Bailey had one of his meet-ups last night, he hasn’t been going to daycare lately so I need to start that back up. I like him to socialize some, and at the meet-ups I can awkwardly socialize since I have trouble socializing on demand. He will be going to daycare tomorrow and is having his first Spa Day on Monday!


I went to bed fairly early last night, before 9 but stayed up awhile reading while drinking my night time tea. I am reading The Outsider right now, it seems to be starting out slow. It is a little frustrating that my reading skill suck because I used to really enjoy reading. I will probably go to bed early again tonight since tomorrow is hockey. Maybe this weekend I will even get to the gym. It honestly all depends on how my tummy is doing. Monday school starts back up. I am excited for that.


So todays blog has been fairly all over the place since I have written it throughout the day. My tummy is very full, maybe a little too full, so I am going to make some tea and read. I went another day without purging, however, there may have been a little binge, but on salad and chicken. I am getting there. Good night my peeps.

 

Cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.


Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.

Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.

Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.

Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.

Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.

Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.

Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.

Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.

Cliche#9:  I will try my best to find good in any day

Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.

So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.


2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety

So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.


Dating Wise

Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.


Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!

The Worst Time of Year

Well, the shittiest time of year is officially over. I pretty much ruined yesterday for my daughter and her family. Holidays are filled of an overwhelming sadness when you choose adoption for a child. Holidays hit a birthmother full force because it is realized she can never give her child the Christmas she grew up with. A birthmother will never be able to take her child home for the holidays. Traditions die with adoption. But what do these traditions even mean? Traditions I am still holding onto from my grandma? She’s dead as well as almost everyone else the holiday season was spent with. I am not Christian so celebrating holidays for a religious reason is kinda bogus. I can never have a family of my own, I couldn’t do that to my daughter. So if I ruin everything, why even try? So here I cry, again, oh my god, I have literally cried two days strait and I left my concealer at home, ugh.

Ready for the 4 day weekend.

Today was a rough day I clocked out with 32 hrs for the week and I still have two more days to go. I am excited for my bonus tomorrow. My mind is confuzzled. Goodnight peeps…I’m exhausted.

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