A BIT OUT OF PATTERN
But in case there are any followers who have been waiting for an answer as much as I have, I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT AGAIN!
Ok, cooling down, anything can happen, financial aid seems to be fine but that can still change, the school can always change its mind I suppose, finances may not work out right, work may not work out right, so calm the fuck down girl….ok, I’m calm.
I just wanted followers to know is all. Peace
Lol, forgot there was a second part to yesterday, oops
IM STILL HUMAN
I let myself feel too much excitement last night and in turn knocked my emotions off balance. The excitement of getting accepted led me to feeling a deep sense of loneliness. I have friends and family who are excited for me and I was happy telling everyone, but in the end, I still went home to only my pets. Sometimes I just want someone to be able to hug me when I feel happy and have me the center of their world. This will never happen, I am bad at relationships for obvious reasons. I cannot say I have never tried to find love; I have many times. I was about as pathetic as Ted off How I Met Your Mother. Other than my ex, none ever lasted more than a few days, eventually I just saw fucking as what guys wanted. I honestly still believe that of most men. We live in a society where the independent strong woman comfortable in her own body is idealistic, but at the same time a woman needs to be giving a man the best fuck whenever he wants. Sleeping around with no emotions involved is a woman’s way of being equal to men. A woman, while comfortable, needs to be what society considers acceptable in terms of body size and of course a bit independence is OKAY but not TOO much, after all a female still needs to think about her partners ego. I do find it a bit ironic that there is change when it comes to what a beautiful body size is, we no longer worship the skinny models but want models who are realistic, which is fine, but I wonder how much of that stems from jealousy? There are models who are naturally skinny and are now being shamed for it, and on the other side of the spectrum there are bigger models who literally eat all they can so they can keep that heavier model weight since they are starting to be seen as a strong female. Either way, it’s another area I am lost in because I can’t be what any part of society would consider acceptable other than my face with snapchat filters. I support myself and my pets and am now on my way to school. There are literally maybe five people in my life who I can stand touching me (I have no problems with my daughter or her parents, I can accept a hug or handshake from my dad, and my mom can give me a hug (sort of sad)). I am fairly messed up mentally, but I am still human and still have human desires. It wasn’t until I got pregnant with my daughter that I realized how much I hated men. I am not fond of girls either, however I suppose I am probably bi in a sense. I cannot say that how I feel is all bad, after all I wouldn’t be where I am at in life if I wouldn’t have stopped wasting my time on relationships. In the big picture, those feelings of loneliness do not last long enough to make me want to change anything about myself or my goals, they are just temporary feelings I have when an emotion becomes off balance and after an hour or so they fade away.
Well, I have orientation on Friday and have already registered for three classes. I wasn’t supposed to enroll until after orientation but considering I am doing online, and the school is limited with those classes I wanted to at least get into three. I have the worst cramps today and feel nauseous a bit but that’s pretty common with my cycle. I believe I do qualify for financial aid as long as I do well this semester. I have been doing very well keeping food down, I may have enjoyed my wine a bit too much last night, but it was out of pure excitement. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to sleep any better without it as I was barely able to shut my mind off with it. I feel okay in that regard though. It’s pretty cool that I have followers happy for me when I do not know anyone. There is a walk for the animal shelters tonight around 5, I am not sure I will go to this or go walking with my daughter and her parents, it depends on the weather. It has been so hot and humid the past week but today its muggy and rainy. Well, I should get going, thanks for everyone who follows and have a good day. Be good to yourself, its Taco Tuesday.
I wonder how illogical I really am. I have good reason to be fear the things that I do. Psychologically, I am pretty normal with my history but just because my fears are normal does not make them logical.
An interesting realization happened yesterday. I was talking with my daughter’s mom about the man who molested me repeatedly as a child and decided to look him up. I have done this a few times in the past, not really out of any particular reason other than curiosity. The only thing I have ever been really able to find was that he was convicted of molestation about a year after I moved from that village. What came from the conviction, I don’t know, because I recall hearing about him doing fine in the village when one of his sons shot himself a few years back. I wanted my daughter’s mom to have a mental image of him since I do often talk to her about my childhood, so I found his mugshot from his arrest way back when, one where he is creepily smiling. I should explain that I have always had a childish mental picture of him. I am always looking up at him and him being so much bigger than me. It has never really occurred to me to put this image in real time. Well anyways, she pointed out she thought he would be bigger, and I didn’t understand, and she said “well, he’s only 5’4″.” Of all the times I’ve looked him up and have had flashbacks I have not once thought about his size and I am 5’3″, which means I would not be looking up at him anymore. I would pretty much be eye to eye with him and if I’m wearing shoes, I would be even taller. After 26 years he is now very small in my head. Every image I thought of last night had me measuring up to him and I had no anxiety. It’s been 26-27 years since everything had started and he would be 59 years old now. I have always seen him as this big scary guy but now he’s just a pitiful small old man. Last night the immortal became mortal.
I hate animal abuse. I have seen much animal abuse during my lifetime. When I was around three or four, I remember some older kids burning their cigarettes on a yellow lab. He had previous burn marks all over him, I doubt he lived much longer. I told them I was going to tell my dad and they were going to get into trouble, and they laughed. So, I told my dad and he went and talked to the kids. I do not know what was said but I know when I asked him what happened he said that’s just the way things were. My small mind could not comprehend what happened, but I know now that’s when another innocent view I had of the world was broken. Most of my trauma comes from that first small village we lived in. My parents fought a lot there and were very close to getting a divorce. They separated for a while and I remember being sat down and asked who I wanted to live with. (If you have kids and are getting a divorce, DO NOT fucking ask your 3-4-year-old kid this! BE THE ADULT!) Well, I didn’t know what was going on really and asked where my brothers were staying and said I would stay with who had fewer kids so it would be fair. (Logical kid, right?) I am pretty sure I stayed with my dad, but I cannot remember because I recall my mom got upset about something and I ended up back with her. Specifics are a little blurry since there were a lot of other things going on as well. Anyway, to the point, I remember a little nest with three little blue eggs inside built onto a fence underneath the housing. I mentioned previously everything was built high above ground. Well, a couple of older girls showed me this nest and talked about how the eggs would become babies. They left and I knocked down the nest and stomped on the eggs. I did not know why I did that when I did, now I understand it was a sign of the emotional distress I was feeling. Kids do not communicate well by talking but by actions instead. I still feel bad for that even today.
I feel okay today. I am doing my best at keeping food down but feel disgusting still. The only reason I am able to do this is because I am eating meats and veggies. I REALLY hope to hear from the college today. When I was blogging yesterday morning, I didn’t actually realize how close school was till I looked at my calendar, causing me to feel a shot of anxiety, in turn causing my emotions to become off balance. I dealt with an almost panic attack for a good hour. I have given examples of how my mind works when anxious so that was mixed in with depression as well from feeling no hope for my future since my high school transcript hasn’t been received yet. My daughter’s mom talked me through it the best she could. My anxiety doesn’t last as long now since I don’t continuously hide it. I am not as tense as I used to be when I kept all my emotions inside. They are a bit dramatic when being expressed but I get over them faster so that is a plus. If my blog yesterday seemed cut short that is why. Today should be a fun day at work (not) but I will do my best and try not to get too annoyed. I am ready for the weekend. Well Happy Monday everyone, and as always, be good to yourself.
It is a coffee type of morning. Partly because I have no tea and party because I have spent the past two days sick. I know I seem to get sick a lot, I blame it on working in a confined space with other constantly sick people but this is probably the worst I have been in a long time. My throat feels like strep throat which the doctor concluded was not, I have had the worst migraine, my eyes hurt, whole body aches, I can barely move my head because my lymph nodes are so swollen. I have pretty much been living on NyQuil, DayQuil, Airborne, and water. I have started to try and gargle with salt water. My mom said to do this and I have read it helps kill the virus. I am pretty sure I have had a high fever too with how much I have been sweating in my sleep but I don’t own a thermometer. I am not sure what owning one would do since I know to keep myself cool when I feel a fever and if a fever is so high I need to go to the E.R. I live alone so chances are I would be too far gone to drive. Mother Nature also seemed to gift me with my cycle too. So yeah, I am drinking coffee in hopes that it gives my body the energy it needs to say fuck you to the virus, because sometimes coffee can be magical like that.
It is such a beautiful sunny day out. What is an absolute bummer is I planned to go to Fergus Falls today to take pictures of the sanitarium there. Well, maybe tomorrow. I used to deliver mail in Fergus Falls, I would detail there from Grafton. I fell in love with it pretty quickly, its full of hills, lakes, and Victorian homes. What really caught my eye was the asylum there.
I believe last year is when they started periodic demolition on the site. Fergus Falls isn’t a huge community and I think they were finding it cost more to keep it up and could not find any use of most of the structure. I am hoping I can still get some good pictures though. I hope they started demolition in the back rather than the front. This building is huge though, I remember being struck in awe the first time I noticed it. I like good ghost stories and whatnot but I don’t really believe this place is haunted. The locals had little ghost stories here and there but I think it was more made up, every small town has their own. An interesting story though, which isn’t really a ghost story just probably a weird coincidence was there was a murder suicide in 2017 in one of the apartments that used to be a nurses ward I believe. I am going by pure memory.
So 1447 Patterson Loop is where the murder suicide was. As you can see it is a part of the sanitarium grounds. They are beautiful apartments though, I would love to live in them. Fergus Falls is absolutely beautiful. I have attached an article about the incident. It’s nothing overly spooky, pretty normal actually; abusive relationship that turns deadly.
I would just love to get my own pictures of the grounds before they are completely demolished, which I hope they aren’t already. It has been a few years since I have been there. I just remember a beautiful eerie morning when I was delivering mail. There are so many lakes in the area that in spring there gets to be a lot of fog. I was driving around the sanitarium because there’s human services and whatnot around it whom get mail. The trees were bare from the winter and the air was musty and foggy. I remember seeing the asylum in front of me clouded in fog. I literally felt like I was in a horror movie. It was absolutely beautiful but eerie.
Tomorrow should be warmer so hopefully I can get there. I really need to get to feeling better.
I am not sure if I every mentioned my grandfather was in a sanitarium. He had T.B. and so had to stay in one in Dunseith.
San Haven has tons of ghost stories associated with it. I do not think it was one of the nicer asylums so that could be why but also it also sits close to the Turtle Mountain reservation. I think anywhere that has Native Americans is going to have ghost stories. Its just a thing of ours I guess lol. Mix a creepy building in and your have yourself hundreds of ghost stories.
My mom toured San Haven when she was a little girl in middle school. She said she remembers a floor, I think the third, that was for the mentally disabled people. She said it was a different time and it was not bad for them to be locked up so she did not see anything wrong with it. She just saw them as funny I think, probably most of the kids did and chances are the nurses did too. She was also a child and could probably not understand the bigger picture of human rights. I should ask her more about what she remembers of it. I know my grandfather was there for about 7 years if my memory serves me right. Some of it has been torn down now I think since it is crawling with asbestos. I think there are ghost tours for parts of it still.
The coffee does seem to be helping me wake up a bit but I do still feel cruddy. I think Bailey has been kinda sick too. He has had the runs and has some flem vomits. I think we both are just ready for it to get nicer so we can go outside more. Fresh air is great for health and these mega sub zero windchills are just terrible for the body and great for viruses.
I suppose I should be happy I haven’t had an interview this week. No one wants to go to an interview when they feel like shit. Still bummed though. I had one rejection but that is okay because it was more secretary I think which I honestly probably wouldn’t have been happy with. Theres three that I am hopeful for that I know I will probably like. I haven’t had any rejections which is good I guess. Bills are being paid later and later though. I suppose I am paying things off too but there’s only so long you can put off other bills before they get pissy.
I think I will write a fictional book soon. I am working on the outline at the moment and trying to figure out the details. I have a decent plot though I think. I was hoping to work on it with my long weekend but unfortunately I do not know how much I will get done.
My body needs to hurry up and get better so I can hit the gym again, this is annoying.
I got served with papers today, nothing I wasn’t expecting. I was just expecting to have a second job by now so I could have shit paid off by now or at least be making payments. Nothing I can do about it right now, I actually feel to weak right now to even really care.
I know I need to eat, just it hurts to even swallow so eating seems more like a chore. I could eat a lot of oatmeal I guess. Add almond milk so I can get some calcium in and vitamins. I have a banana left and that will be easy on the throat and tummy. Its too easy not to eat anything though.
Apologies if there seems to be more blabber than a point today. I really just am not feeling well. I think I will find something to watch and do absolutely nothing. I hope you guys find the sanitariums as fascinating as I do, I enjoy weird things like that and creepy history. Good day to all. I will post the next day in my book when I am able to get my butt off the couch. 🙂
P.S. Feel free to add me on Snapchat Kitten0080. I am trying to snap more but if I start going to places that I plan to I will probably have more stories to share.
Also, thank you to all who is reading my book. I hope it is helping you understand the mind of someone who has suffered from BPD or other issues.
It’s a sad Sunday morning when there is no coffee. I have bacon cooking and green tea steeping. The boys have all eaten breakfast and are running around. I am sitting here in my robe looking out the balcony and hoping for the best these next few days. I was up past midnight last night playing board games. The five of us played a Mario card game first and then Clank. I lost at both, that’s okay, I never win at anything. I did really well on the eating. There was a lot of junk food, but I stuck with the veggie tray, some meat and cheese, and olives. I tried Pork Rinds for the first time and those were pretty good too and satisfied the salty crunch I craved when there were chips around. So, I ate processed foods, but nothing that would spike my blood sugar or make me go in a full-on binge frenzy. I do need to up the water intake today however since half of what I ate had a good amount of sodium in them. I also am in love with the Dasani Sparkling Waters and had quite a few last night. I love the Lime one and decided it tasted like non-alcoholic gin, and gin n’ tonic is one of my favorite drinks of all time. My daughter’s mom however said that what I tasted was lime. All in all, a fun solid night that left no guilt.
I am still waiting for the college to receive my transcript. I should have just over-nighted the damn request since the post office really sucks with mail around the central state. Actually, other than small towns only Fargo and Grand Forks really have their shit in order at the moment. I will try not to think about what I should have done and just hope the college receives it tomorrow otherwise I will just get myself worked up over something I have no control over now. It’s okay, it’s not like school starts in a week anyways. Ugh!
I really do not have much to say today. I am trying my best to keep myself stable while my mind is going nuts. With that note I will probably eat breakfast and take Bailey for a walk. It’s going to be another scorcher today so I can’t even enjoy any fresh air and that normally helps cool my senses. I feel a hard depression coming on if I can’t calm down.