Day 54- Over Tired

When my pants rip it is a mortifying sign that I need to take the low carb healthy eating a lot more seriously and stop the B/P, because let’s face it, it only causes weight gain. I cannot say this is all an entirely bad idea because beer and malts are definitely not helping. So, I will take a break off of drinking for two weeks for the induction period. I bought some Truly’s last night, they aren’t too bad and only 2 grams of carbs per serving, but I will save those for later on, probably during a hockey game. Either way, only healthy carbs for the next two weeks because let’s be honest, I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe, so today thrift shopping it is.
I took my biotin and focus supplement along with some fish oil this morning. I have been going to bed later than I would like these past few days, so I am going to try and get a good night’s sleep tonight. If I am trying to keep my brain healthy, I should give it proper rest also. I need to start getting myself back on a schedule. Tired me brings out the bitch, which I think it pretty normal, just my bitch is a bit abnormal.
I can feel myself want to b/p when I am this tired. I have a hard time with self-control. No matter how awake my mind feels tonight, I am going to have some sleepy time tea and knock myself out if I have to.
Well, I have work to do and am trying to keep my head focused, I think the pills do help with that but like I said, I cannot know a full effect until probably a month. I will be good to myself today, you all should do the same. Get a good night’s rest and enjoy your day. Bye Bye everyone!


Day 53- A Sweet Goodnight

Well, today was a fairly decent day. When I bought my new computer a few days back the time/date wasn’t set right according to my region, so I ended up having to set it manually, except I didn’t set the date correctly so I have actually been running a day ahead for the past few days. I caught my mistake this morning and pretty much fell off my chair. I am happy I was not running a day behind but also was able to enjoy my Sunday because I had everything done a day early.
I am getting a full schedule set up for school and life. I have enough going on inside my head I do not need to keep more information in there than need be. I know part of the stress I have is from keeping track of everything inside my head and making sure I don’t forget anything, so I found a great planner to put everything in that is connected to my phone and computer.
When I was taking a test last night Mr. Cooper shut off my power strip to everything. I freaked out bad and kicked him out of the office, luckily it didn’t kick me out permanently from my test but about three questions didn’t count, I still passed enough, but my grade dropped to a B. From here on all animals are NOT allowed in the office while I am testing.
Today was an easy day. I have so many veggies left to chop and some chicken breasts cooking for my salad tomorrow. I am wide awake as I slept in this morning, bad idea. Well, I hope everyone has a great night and be good to yourself. I will be.


Day 52- Little Monster

There was once a little girl who created her own world, although it had no name, it was her safe place. She learned to escape to it when bad things were happening. It was beautiful and vivid, she could smell the flowers and the salty oceans, feel the breeze, watch the deep blue sky turn black and see the planets and stars come out. In this world all her dreams had come true, she had many friends, always had someone to hold her, and she would go on adventures. She left her body behind to fend for itself, so her consciousness didn’t have to be aware when bad things happened. Although she tried to take all her mind with her, she left enough that understood what was happening was very bad and hurt a lot, and she was very scared, but even she abandoned herself. What was left behind became the monster.

I believe to an extent that everyone has another form of themselves inside them, whether it be the loss of who they wanted to be, and their dreams didn’t work to the simplest little thoughts of hoping karma can get at those who have done wrong to them. The human mind has many layers of consciousness, depending on what theories are looked up and each layer becomes harder to understand. I cannot say truthfully whether or not the girl inside me is a monster or just a sad reality left behind. As my daughter’s mom explained it, she is everything bad that has happened to me. I may not be as perfect as a statistic as I thought, because in theory I should be her all the time. She is sad, confused, scared, and still an angry little girl. She is who I try to keep my thoughts straight to avoid because she is the complete opposite of me. I have never thought of her as actually being separate from me until my daughter’s mom and I were talking yesterday. Maybe I do need to keep her separate so I can try to help her, after all, avoiding her is not working. She is my greatest weakness and could very well be my greatest danger. I just don’t have any idea how to help her yet.

I am sorry for being fairly short lately, I have been in a fairly emotional mood lately since Monday when I had that first depressive episode. I feel good now and know I will be stable for a while again. I am fairly certain hormones have a big reasoning behind my moods. My cycles are off balance while at the same time still cycles. I will have the same cramping and everything the same time every month, but it’s bad cramping, like having a real heavy flow, but then there is no bleeding. There might be occasional spotting but nothing that explains why I cramp so bad. I become pretty much a hormonal bitch and then can’t keep my thoughts and emotions in check and in turn the monster me comes out. I have had ultrasounds for this, but nothing has been found. I suppose it could just be a chemical imbalance. I am beginning to understand when these moods come, my mind will start wandering a lot more, I will have a harder time focusing, and when I have a low mood spell I know the little girl is about to come out so I work harder to keep her at bay though it never really works. So now she is gone, and I feel good again. It would be nice if I could send my blogs out to psychologists around the world and be like, here is my term paper, please grade accordingly and tell me the best advice to succeed. I can try talk therapy again, for the millionth time (over-exaggeration) but it gets exhausting. And I, for the most part, am really good. I am goal-oriented and fairly happy, but that other girl, even though she is not around much, she’s the exact opposite. When she is around, I know it and try to fight her, but I think I probably suck at it. If I feel blogging is helpful, maybe I need to let her speak too. Although I fear if I do my readers will understand just how crazy I feel I am.

Well, I suppose that will be all today. I am very busy at work today (NOT), but I do have homework I can do. It’s so beautiful outside today, I wouldn’t mind delivering mail in this weather. I am hungry, I am going to go get a pumpkin spice coffee, I think. OOOOooo, MMMMmmmm, Pumpkin! Have a good day everyone, please be good to yourselves, at least better than the monster is to me. BYYEE!


Day 51- Trying To Stay Strong

I cannot say I am doing well; however, I can say that I am average. It is so easy for my daughters’ mother to say see a therapist, honestly though after about the eighth one I realized that the reason I can’t be helped is because psychology just isn’t there yet with understanding my trauma. I read up on a lot of studies continuously but until children are full grown, they cannot get accurate studies. They understand more than a decade ago, but not enough. Eventually I just get tired of test after test and having to reexplain myself over and over again. I feel like a social experiment sometimes. I have often thought what it would be like if someone were to jump out and yell “JOKES! It was all an experiment! Here is a pill to make you all better!” That is not realistic. This also makes me wonder what it would be like if I did have the choice to start over. If I could grow up in an ideal situation and achieve my goals, would I? What if going with the first family my birthmother chose happened and I never went to the villages. What if I grew up in a really nice safe neighborhood and had a lot of friends and was a straight A student. What if this family had all my college paid for? Would I choose it? My daughter’s parents would have had another mother choose them, probably one a lot more stable. They wouldn’t always have to deal with my moods. My family wouldn’t have had to deal with my moods because they would have never known me. My little sister could have been their only daughter which I am sure would have made her happy. I can say that my past has shaped me to be the kind of person I am today, whether that’s good or bad depends on the day. Although I try to stay strong, I feel the depressive episodes getting worse and harder to handle, even if momentarily. I feel like there is a tear that is slowly growing with the more weight set upon it. I had a couple beers this past weekend but nothing anything major. I know stress is a major trigger of these moods. Stress will always be there. I feel this episode fading away for good. However, that does not change the fact that it was a pretty bad one that kept coming back. The thought in itself is scary.


Interlude (?) Again

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
these thoughts ring through my mind as if you are still here
i still hear you as i purge up this food
GUILT- SO MUCH FUCKING GUILT
people starving
here i am wasting away food
i need to keep food down
I will change
tomorrow will be a new day
i promise i promise
tomorrow I will be done…..
Just drink some wine, relax, get over it.
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
no im not…..im so much more than that
NO YOUR NOT
yes i am….
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
drink to shut the voices off….
BRAND NEW MORNING, sun light trickling in through my shades, birds chirping, fresh air coming in the crack of my window, TODAY IS A NEW DAY!
coffee brewing
bacon & eggs sizzling
starting low carb today
keeping food down
today i will do it
i will get better
bite one, bite two, bite three, sip the coffee
absolutely delicious
eating breakfast off my patio
fresh air smells great
4,5,6,7,8,9,10….
belly feeling full…
drink more coffee…
belly feels full…
fuck…
no I don’t want to..just go away

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG

vomit!!!!

BINGE
PURGE
BINGE
PURGE

weeks worth of groceries gone

SOBBING MISERABLY

i hate the sun i wish it would storm
YOUR NOTHING
but I am…
NOTHING

eating eating eating & eating some more
belly feels like it could explode
look in the mirror
i look pregnant
walk to the toilet
bend over
left arm across my chest
left hand like a monkeys paw
right hand clenching my left calf
elbows pushing in my tummy
pressure
out comes the food
such a familiar sound
familiar taste
familiar burn
its soft with an occasional scratch of hard food
stand up strait
still feel food
take a sip of water
not enough to push the food down
just enough for some lubricant
look in the mirror
getting skinnier
headache
light hurts my eyes
throat inflamed

okay one more time
you can do this
bend over
out comes the last chunk of food
acid
it burns
teeth feel gritty
stand up and flush
mouth wash
shwichel shwishel schwishel
SPIT!!
shwichel shwishel schwishel
SPIT!!

stand up straight
look in the mirror
bloodshot eyes
weird indent in cheeks

pull at skin
gobs of skin in my hand
wrap my hand around my wrist
fingernails pass each other
feel my ribs
suck in and see every bone
put hands around thighs
fingertips touch
wrap hands around my calves
fingers pass each other

look in the mirror
UGLY!
YOUR SO UGLY!!!!

YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
but im skinny
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
but im too skinny
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
im disgusting
im so disgusting
YOUR NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCKING UGLY LARDASS PIG
i know….i know….
i know i am…
disgusting

pinch skin
so fat
ugly
disgusting
i hate myself

sobbing
if these walls could speak they would cry too
pull my hair
curl into a ball
uncontrollable sobbing
cry till im too weak to cry more

calm

okay
SIGH
im okay

sun shines through the windows
fresh air comes in through the windows
i pet my dog and cats
they dont judge me
they love me
i cuddle them

“from here on I will be better”
pup licks my face
“i love you too”

pass out

wake up
afternoon sunlight shines in my eyes
its a beautiful day

tummy growling
empty


%d bloggers like this: