Exhausted! X_X

I AM FINALLY FUCKING DONE WITH THE SPRING SEMESTER!

I have had a very busy past few days. Saturday I spent with my daughter and her parents and we went to the zoo and Costco. Sunday we saw Halestorm. I was right in front against the gate. I got a guitar pick from Joe Hottinger. Palaye Royale was their opening band, they were a GREAT opener. I would pay to see them again. It was great to see Lzzy Hale so close up, there were so many times that her new album kept me going these past few months, especially Vicious.

 


Bailey and I have been going to the dog park more often now that I have a reliable and safe car to get us to the park. He is starting to play with other pups more. When he is at daycare he plays but when I am around he stays near me, he’s such a mommas boy. Fat Louie and Mr. Cooper are doing well. Coops is still a troublemaker and Louie still just loves to eat and cuddle.


My mind is exhausted. I am exhausted. It’s been a busy few days. It feels good though. I am watching the new Ted Bundy movie on Netflix with Zac Efron, it’s pretty good. I have homemade soup boiling, it’s been chilly lately. I see my personal trainer in the morning. I told her I want her to kill my legs and abs. I love the pain, it’s a good pain, but its addicting. I do need to eat better. I enjoyed too much junkfood on the way to Bismarck and too much beer at the concert. It wasn’t like I got wasted or anything but it definitely made me bloated. It’s okay, it was a great weekend and well worth it. 🙂

Everyone have a good night 🙂

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So, I did something…

“Gotta keep my head above water, gotta make it through”


I GOT A NEW CAR YESTERDAY!!!

Ok, so this wasn’t really a manic splurge or anything, my other car was starting to have a lot of weird issues. When I was researching up more about my old car I realized that once it got to 50k miles it was literally DOWNHILL for so many people. Apparently it was the only line of car made because of all the problems. The way it was described to me was some new hotrod engineer probably came up with GRAND ideas that WEREN’T so grand. I can’t really afford to shell out thousands of dollars on demand to fix malfunctions sooo…I decided to trade it in while it was still worth something. And actually, I still got 6k for it which Kelly bluebook figured it to be $6,040. So I feel good about the trade. The only issue now is my last payment was $197 a month and now my payment is $441….I wan’t to cry from happiness yet pain from knowing how tighter bills are going to get. I had planned to eventually buy a new vehicle, I just wanted to wait a few more months, I planned to have something by next winter but with the car issues I was starting to see I knew I couldn’t take the chance of something happening and my car be worth as much as scrap metal and still having four years to pay on it.

Anyways, it is a 2017 Ford Explorer, Titanium colored. I named it Stormy.  I love it so much. It is SO SAFE! I wanted something very safe and reliable in case there was ever an emergency and I needed to pick up my daughter and also because I drive Bailey around (he wears doggy seat belts with a harness in the back) and just because I like to be safe too. It has a little over 30k miles so it has been broken in. It is full of sensors and airbags. What I dig the most is I no longer have to hook my phone up to listen to music because of the bluetooth. People cannot steal my gas because it has a special gasket, for some reason when the sales guy told me this I thought of people huffing gas in the villages. There is a lot more to this car too, but in the end it has taken the stress off of having an unreliable car and I love feeling safe.


So my personal training went amazing yesterday. It has actually been going very well lately. I had an extra training session yesterday since we are going to Halestorm on Sunday and I didn’t want to be getting up at 4 am to go to the gym since we are not getting back till after midnight. When we were talking about what day I would like next week (I have two days a week) she said I had an extra day so if I would like to come in Monday that could work too. I am taking Monday off and I have been wanting to do kickboxing so I will be doing that one on one with her later in the morning, I am so excited! She said in the past 2-3 weeks I have been amazing, it’s like I just one day wanted to change and did. She said my form has been amazing and she can see major improvement, even with the way I hold myself and just my body health in general. This was really good to hear. I think it all started with me finishing up my book, I had to remind myself how far I have come when life seemed to be getting overwhelming again. I know I have been pushing myself harder (IT FEELS GREAT!) and I know that I am feeling so good body wise, even when my knees and back are acting up, it’s not as bad as before. I feel myself getting stronger.


So I have been in the process of cutting unnecessary bills. I have no reason to pay sixteen dollars for Netflix anymore. That will be over at the end of the month. I got my Verizon bill lowered about 20-30 dollars via work discount, a 10 dollar discount they gave me, and taking the insurance off my apple watch (I end up paying more for the insurance that what the watch is worth anyways). Bailey and I may be going to dog parks a lot more or walks since I may have to cut back on his daycare for the next month or two. It is a bummer. I have debating putting my personal trainer on hold since thats $260 a month but I really do not think that would be good for my health or recovery. I have been getting such a euphoria from working out and pushing myself, I can’t allow that to change. I have been thinking of doing a clinical trial study. I know I have never been able to do it before, it freaks me out to have things ingested that I don’t know what the side effects are. I may have no choice at this point though.


I received my paperback version copy of my book yesterday. It is beautiful. Also, I changed the cover page for my original kindle version. I wanted something more dreamlike.


Well, I should probably get to work. It’s a beautiful gloomy day, I enjoy it today. Well, have a good day everyone. 🙂

I GOT MY FIRST REVIEW ON AMAZON!!!

I talked to an old friend yesterday about my book. I used to work with her at the post office in Bismarck when I processed mail overnights. I really liked her, she was weird but real (as many weird people usually are). I recall her telling me about her younger days when she drank a lot, I think she was adopted too. She wanted to be a playboy bunny when she was my age at the time like I did (she’s probably 10-15 years older than me). She is a good Christian, non judgmental and tries to understand people, loves pugs, doesn’t shave (yet not really any hair), doesn’t wear deodorant (aluminum) , eats all organic and all natural. Anyways, she said she was reading my book (about done I think) and a coworker clocked out and randomly sat next to her and started pouring out how she needs help because she is a bad alcoholic and suffers from an eating disorder. Her relationship is nothing but turmoil because her significant other drinks more than her. (Personally I think this is toxic and it won’t work unless they both stop drinking, those relationships are the worst, although it also sounds like he keeps her down anyways so none of it seems healthy enough to put in the effort to fix, I would say she needs to find herself). Anyways, my friend was able to help talk to her because of my book, she said it was no coincidence I published when I did. She also believes everything happens for a reason, I am not sure I believe this, but she was able to console this coworker and that is my goal with this book, to help.


At the time I published I did not really have a goal, I just wanted my story out there. Now I know my goal is to reach as many people as possible who need the assurance they are not alone and to help people understand the ones who suffer. Also to hopefully get people to not be so judgmental. I am sure there will still be readers who judge me after reading my book but that is okay, I care more about whom I can help.


It was upper body day today at the gym, I feel like the lifts that strengthen me the most are the ones I hate the most. Also, I hate pictures of my body taken, but this is something I am trying to work on. I hate it because I hate the body I have but as long as I hate it I cannot accept it and without accepting it I cannot love myself fully. I do still have some body dysmorphia, I feel like I have gained TONS of weight (roughly 30-40 pounds) since leaving the post office 1.5 years ago, but realistically I am not as big as I think I am. I am also stronger in areas than I ever was before. My BMI says I am obese but considering when I was a “healthy” weight I was purging easily 20 times a day and downing liquor like there was no tomorrow, I try to not give it much thought. I am 165 now and was 140 when quitting the B/P at the beginning of the year. I have also lost fat too since hiring a personal trainer as well as gained muscle. My body does not hurt as much either. I try to eat healthy regularly. Sure I may be “obese” now, but I am healthier than I have ever been. Also, it feels great for my teeth to not hurt non-stop. Anyways, this is a work in progress.

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I am seeing Halestorm on Sunday, I am excited. This will be my second concert I’m going to fully experience. I am going with my daughters parents and our two good friends (our little hockey group). I will try to take some pictures. I will be taking next Monday off however, mainly because we will not get back till after midnight Sunday night and people at work love Game of Thrones…and no way in hell am I risking people telling me what happens, especially when every Monday the first thing a coworker talks about of GoT.


I should be getting my paperback copy of my book on Friday, I am hoping it turns out the way I imagined it to be. I will probably try to vlog about it. I am trying to figure out ways to best connect with readers on a personal level.


Well…that is really all there is to write about. It’s cold and gloomy outside. I am here at work…waiting for the day to be over (yes…I am only an hour in). Well, everyone have a good day. 🙂

Keeping My Head Up

It sucks when you no longer find the fulfillment in a workplace because of mismanagement. It’s depressing to even come here. I have been trying to switch departments but with the cluster-fuck that happened and “miscommunication” of my manager, I am fairly certain I will not be accepted anywhere since I was written up by HR. All I did was give a shit about those we serve, oh well. There is nothing I can do but come to work and hope for the best. I feel like every other average worker these days. I need to stop caring so much about helping people, or I guess caring about those that are able to help people, I don’t know. It’s bullshit. In the perfect world I could just be a privileged college kid who’s primary focus is school. I could just be a normal student for once. Well, I cannot be, I have to pay bills.

Speaking of such, I have mentioned that I have a tuition waiver for NDSU. The issue I am running into however is that they don’t really offer a psychology degree online, many of the classes have to be done in class. It just so happens professors work the same hours that I do so it is a very conflicting schedule. I am taking four classes this fall semester that will count towards my electives and requirements, but I am already starting the year behind because three of them are electives rather than the requirements that other students in my class will be taking. I could always transfer to UND in Spring since they offer online classes, the problem is I do not have the tuition scholarship there. I am really trying not to think about the situation for work and school, I am just hoping for a really good opportunity to come along work wise that can work perfectly with school.


My legs are feeling yesterday, it’s a good ache though. I went to the gym this morning but my stupid headphones decided to give out on me. I cannot really have a good cardio workout without music blasting in my ears, I need the music to escape from my mind. Tomorrow I see my PT again so Thursday my arms will be whats sore, I like the pain though.


I am trying to get a lot more fluids in me. I have recently been having a lot more issues with swelling in my legs. I contribute this to always sitting on my ass all day since eighty percent of my workload has been taken from me. I have cut back a lot on drinking as well since that was just adding up carbs and sodium and would work against the hydration. I see some positive results but I think as long as I have a job where I am on my ass all day the effects will still be there. I am trying to walk around more but when work makes you feel miserable it’s hard to want to do anything. I am not sure how much longer I have here if no other departments will accept me due to “miscommunication”. I really am hoping for the best.


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I still love La Croix’s….like seriously, Grapefruit is my new favorite flavor. No sodium, no sugar, no carbs, just pure perfection.


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It has been very gloomy lately; cold, wet, overcast, the air smells like dog shit and construction. It’s kinda the smell all over town, like when the clouds just keep everything masked in. I boiled chicken all day Sunday and than made it into a yummy soup yesterday. I bought a new spice rack so I was very happy to have Rosemary again. I used a lot of seasonings in this soup, very low carb, high protein, and a power meal full of vitamins and minerals. It was delicious and made my tummy nice and warm.


ALSO, I can’t believe I ever saw myself as “so fat!” as a letter carrier. I was roughly 130 pounds here, but my legs were pure muscle so that added weight. I was wearing layered clothes here because the temps were sub-zero and my uniform was still baggy! Like I have two layers of pants on here and the thigh portion of my legs were literally twice the size because I have a rectangle figure. So so dumb, my hip bones easily showed underneath as well as my ribs, and I still wanted to lose another twenty pounds. Ugh!

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Well, I do not have much more to write about this morning. I am trying to keep my head up but it does suck lately. Also, as for my book, the kindle version is officially $5.99

and the paper back is $8.99

For some reason they are not connected on Amazon. Also, I am not sure if people who click Facebook links can write reviews since Amazon doesn’t allow friends or family to review, so I found GoodReads that will allow

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45312705-sixty?from_search=true

So please review! 🙂 


Well, my coffee mug is empty so I think I will go fill it. If anyone has any ideas of how to promote my book further I would love to hear it. I have been getting quite a few likes on FB from advertising in San Francisco, New York, Orlando, and Chicago (I wanted high populated areas to reach further). Those advertisements should be ending in the next few days. My free book promo ended at midnight last night. So yeah, if anyone has good ideas, let me know 🙂 Well, have a good day peeps.

Need to keep Balanced

I think I let myself feel too much of a high with the excitement of my book being published, I have been feeling pretty down the past couple days. I really need to watch that. Excitement is fun but I always need to keep my emotions equal otherwise the result is equally low. My avid followers already know this of me though. I feel mentally exhausted because of this. However, I do feel physically exhausted not because of the low spell but because my personal trainer decided to kick my ass today with legs. I will be feeling this tomorrow so I am going to hit the gym up and do the elliptical.


Time

“So much sky,” I whisper to myself as I hold my hand up to the sun.

The ground beneath me has charred remains of a fire long ago. I look to my left at an abandoned old church, I believe it must have been beautiful back in its prime, now it is just an example of how time doesn’t even respect religion. We all crumble eventually. A chill run across my hand as a breeze passes on by. I sit up facing the tombstones to the right of me.

“I’m sure you were once full of life, a carefree child running through these fields, growing up to feel the pain of love and death, only to grow old and appreciate life as it was ending and dying in a bitter taste, or maybe you appreciated it all along and never took a second for granted and died surrounded by loved ones because you never stopped believing in the good. I wonder what your story was…” I whisper to the tombstone.

I love old graveyards and abandoned churches. They are where nature does its course without any intervening. The words on the stones hold the memories of the past, the earth and its inhabitants have eaten the physical sense of the being. I look over all the graveyards, many of the tombstones have decayed but I still see a fair amount. Another breeze flows by me along with a cloud overhead, my spine shivers momentarily as the shadow passes on me. It’s so quiet, only when we are dead are we truly at peace.

“How many times have I worried about my body, starving myself, binging, purging, dieting, mutilated it, only in the end to be you, just bones in the ground insects of licked clean, kind of silly I suppose,” I whisper as I hold my hand out to feel the old lettering in the stone. It’s cold, even on this warm day. The edges that were once clean cut are now weathered down and rough. Another breeze, this one kind of warm, carries the sweet scent of grass, trees, and wild flowers. I close my eyes and take the scents in. I listen to the trees ruffle with the breeze, in the distance birds sing to each other, not a care in the world, not afraid of time, they merely know their roll in nature. What is my roll? Maybe intelligence is the biggest trick the devil could play. A bang from behind me startles me and as I jump up and turn around, I see a bunny running from the church. This church has a haunting look to it, if the sky was overcast, I probably would feel a little uneasy, it is beautiful none the less. I walk towards it and as I do the steeple seems to grow ten-fold. I look up and can still see an old bell still withstanding the crumbling of time.

“How many people listened to your bell? How many people have walked through these doors, believing you held some sort of power over their souls? How many children had it thrown down their throats that only you could save them from eternal damnation? How many children went through these doors every Sunday believing if they didn’t, they would suffer from the fires of hell. Your bell rang every Sunday morning, but there was always going to be a last time you rang. If your walls could talk, would they breathe a sigh of relief they did not have to hold such a burden anymore?”I speak to the abandoned pieces of wood and scrap metal, they don’t respond. So, I keep on talking as slowly making my way through the large decayed wooden doors. They have held their shape pretty well, but the hinges look as if they could break any second.

“You are still beautiful, no one can really outdo natures beauty, even Monet tried to mimic nature, hell, even our televisions try, and no matter how ultra-k the picture, nothing will ever amount to reality. Someday television and pictures will be all that we have after nature finally gives up,” I speak louder as walking through another set of doors into a room full of pews. The air is musty and damp. Pieces of the ceiling have caved in and broken a few of the pews and the wooden floor has molded. Even in the remnants of decay this place in beautiful. I stare in awe as the sun shines through the stained glass, it creates waves of colored dust. Up ahead is a table that once held the blood and body of Christ every Sunday. A table that once held so much power has now caved in to time.

“Even nature can outdo god,” I say as I walk down the aisle, “How many of you spirits still reside here, praying, waiting for redemption and eternal salvation? Do you even know that you are dead? The afterlife is so much more than god.”

I sit on a stair that leads up to the broken table and sit and look out among the pews.

“Many people do not like your home, they don’t know why though, I do though. People do not like to think of their immortality and this place represents just that. Your graves hold the skeletons of the most beautiful and most ugly of you, but you look the same now, just rotted bones. Maybe some of your souls have moved on, but this place still holds the memories of your devotion out of fear. I find peace in my immortality, I suppose that is why I find peace here,” I preach softly to the non-existent followers. The sun slowly fades as I hear the wind pick up outside. The weather called for a storm later today, it must be rolling in. I get up and bow to the emptiness. Maybe this storm will be mother nature’s final calling to this place. I walk out the doors and soft rain sprinkles on my face as I head to my car. I don’t look back, for the past should stay in the past.


Well, the final free promo to my book is coming to an end. I suppose 40 people reached is not bad, I just hope they liked it enough to read it fully and refer it. I am not sure if Facebook users who click the links can review. I have been reading information that say Amazon won’t allow friends or family to review and coming from Facebook they may think the people I am advertising to are friends. So if you can, reviewing on Goodreads too will also help spread my book. 🙂

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45312705-sixty?ac=1&from_search=true


I will probably be heading off to bed now, I have to get up early for the gym, i plan on having a good cardio workout tomorrow. Thank you for all the support, have a good evening, as before, be good to yourselves.

 

 

Free Promo :)

I officially have the paperback version available for my novel.

I am kind of wondering if I am overhyping this book, maybe it’s not really that special. Everyone has shit in their lives. Considering half the worlds population is engulfed in poverty I imagine most of that deals with some sort of abuse, whether it be witnessing or experiencing. Granted, I was never in the “poverty” of lets say Haiti but we were by no means privileged either. I suppose this book isn’t all about just abuse though either, it’s about the overwhelming pressure society puts on women to be perfect as well. I guess it’s not even just limited to that, its also all the media we have coming at us that convinces us the only way to experience emotions is through materialism, booze, food, and technology. People seem to forget we are still animals but we are animals so disconnected from this planet. So much disconnection with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. So I guess maybe my book is just the product of the mind that is able to tell what happens to the brain as it’s slowly dying? I don’t really know what to think now, the excitement for it is gone and it’s more like what did I do?


On a side note:

I am running a FREE BOOK PROMO for today 28Apr2019 and tomorrow 29Apr2019 for the kindle version. All that I ask is you give it honest reviews on Amazon and refer it. I am not sure exactly to whom to refer, I mean I can say the emotionally and mentally pained, but it’s not a story of hope really, it’s just reality. Sometimes reality is easier to handle though when you know there is someone who understands the pain.

 

IDK WHAT IM DOING

So bare with me because  I honestly have no idea what I am doing. I am trying to find ways to advertise my novel because it makes sense I want to make some money off of it. I have created a Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/UnbreakableKitten

I guess @UnbreakableKitten is my new username, I suppose thats a good. Feel free to like and share it 🙂

So for my novel I am creating a paperback version as well. It will be $8.99 and available on Amazon as well. I am doing a paper version because it feels more concrete. I know I would want a paperback version for myself so I am thinking maybe a couple others would too. If its only available on Kindle than all it would take is a solar flare to wipe out technology for my novel to no longer exist. I am trying to stop that type of thinking though. There is no real reason for me to always be prepared for the worst to happen, I mean there is, but not to let it make me as anxious and depressed as I used to. Eventually it becomes illogical.

Anyways, I mainly wanted to inform my readers that in case you were wanting to purchase my book but wanted a paperback version it will be available soon hopefully. Whats sad is I am already bored with the book, UGH, I know it is good because everyone keeps telling me that, like my daughters mom says, I just get bored with the old. Except its TWO DAYS OLD.

Oh well, this isn’t actually like a life update post, I may still post later. I have sausage cooking so I am going to go enjoy some breakfast.

Also, when one author asks another author to read their book in return the other author needs to read the others book, who knew? So I have not yet started on this, I plan to today, but in case any of my readers are interested as well.