I am an Alcoholic

Whats a life without drinking? Shit…I feel like I wrote this a year ago.

Damn, I am such a broken record, but as my best friend said, only because I don’t ever give up.

A year ago I wanted to blog about being sober for a month, I didn’t make it. I fooled myself and when I had any feelings of guilt I drank them away. I told myself it was just one, just two, just three, than after awhile just said fuck it why not a bottle, why not a bottle and some beers, why not two bottles and some beers…I can’t stay sober for a month, no, I just have to plain stay sober, because I am an alcoholic. No, I don’t need rehab, I’m just done.


Its a relieving feeling when all the puzzle pieces come together. For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay, I have never felt that assurance before. My body is still full of poison but my mind feels more at peace than it ever has before. The recruiter was the last puzzle piece and the reason I couldn’t pinpoint where the darkness was is because it was in my mind. How could I heal from the past if I couldn’t understand it? Healing starts with accepting but you need to understand something to accept it. Everything makes sense now. It’s an overwhelming happy feeling to be free, but also a very sad feeling to know how much pain you have caused loved ones.


I’m having some shakes, nothing bad, I’ve had a lot worst. I got a primary doctor set up yesterday, that was fun, ya know, just flat laid out my history. It’s weird being seven months bulimia free. She listened closely and ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel ,vitamin b12, folate, serum , magnesium, pap, liquid based and a hemogram blood work. I only have gotten the hemogram back, everything fell within normal ranges but my platelet count was on the higher end of normal. I need to know if I have caused my body any permanent damage.

It was kind of funny after all the tests were done she asked if there was anything else I needed to add about my medical history, I told her I think that was enough LOL, she laughed with me though. I was very detailed.

I think my magnesium may come back out of range, I get muscle cramps a lot. I could see my B12 being off at times too, my breathing is really shallow after I drink. Its like I have to take deeper breaths to get oxygen flowing to get up. I’ve been having more stomach pains in the morning, I thought maybe it was lasting effects from the bulimia but when she felt around and had me take deep breaths it was around my liver and gallbladder region that there was pain. Sooo…I guess I am just waiting to see what the results are.


I think I’ve been haunted by a demon or pretty close. Although its really hard to know what are illusions and what aren’t at times. I know that I’ll probably be getting worst nightmares for awhile but I don’t know, I kept hearing something whispering in my ear a few days ago and I am pretty sure I have dreamt about whatever it is. Maybe it’s a demon of my mind, the poison not wanting to let me go. I think after I am fully detoxed I will be able to answer this better.


Downing liquid is probably the best thing I can do right now. I ordered groceries, lots of teas, sparkling water, and veggies that I can steam. I am pretty sure my tummy is going to go through a rough couple days. My shits smell like acetone on a daily basis. I bought quite a bit of white meat too, lean protein to help keep me going. It’s honestly this or death at this point. I will be okay though. 🙂 I’m finally free. The storm is gone.

Fuck it’s only taken a year.

 

Another lil puzzle piece

Have you ever had to fill out a background check of where you have lived for the past ten years? Im sure we almost all have…but how many of you have to go searching for every little clue of where you were residing in a year because you honestly can’t remember…it’s a weird feeling, like going back in time and thinking shit…how fucked up was I..it’s like watching your life on repeat, memories coming up of certain addresses. Shit…I’ve only been strait for a small part of my life, haven’t I? Well…I have managed to find twelve…I know I have had more the twelve places I’ve received mail as well.


I did some meditating last night. So the last time that I had a hypnotherapy session the therapist wanted to go more into depth with the recruiter because she said she could still feel an energy there. I kind of just brushed the thought aside because there was no feelings or anything there for him, I mean, he was a pig literally in every way. I think I realize now what it was. When I was in high school he was the first one to “break my heart,” in a sense. He took advantage of me being underage, naivety, and desperation to be loved that every teenage girl has. In a way he started to take away the remaining innocence I had left from my childhood. In my adulthood, he found me at my weakest and took the remainder of it away. The innocence not really being sexual but more just believing in happily ever after. Although, I shouldn’t believe in such naivety anyways. Happily ever after doesn’t exist, someone always feels alone at some point. I suppose in ways he saved me from that betrayal. Either way, he was the beginning and the end of my turmoil. After him I died in a way as we all know but than my daughter brought me back. I could never depend on someone else, not in a significant other type of way, I can’t not be self sufficient and have to be independent, so its not all bad I guess because I can say that I am.  Karma is a bitch though, and damn, karma hit him hard.

Although shit….if I never would have met that asshole I could have had a lot better twenties.

Anyways, I tried to pinpoint where that energy was last night, but I had already taken some melatonin so I think that prevented me from getting there. It was just a realization of that dark energy that is still there that I need to get rid of.


I still don’t know what I am doing. I’m going to be 29 this month and I feel like I have wasted 29 years of my life. Time moves fast when your suffering and fighting to survive, although I have been trying to live more. I have been trying to push myself to go out more and talk to more people. In ways it seems so pointless though. I really don’t think I was meant for this world.


I am not sure if anyone who knows me other than a few close people read my blog. Hopefully no one who knows me at work, but if so, darn, but I was offered a job at a pretty large bank in a fraud department. I start July 22nd, I am very excited. I will be getting about 10 percent more an hour, 2 weeks vacation, 1 week sick leave, 10 paid holidays, tuition reimbursement after six months, benefits right away and a 401k that matches 4% and the benefits will only cost me ten dollars more per pay period. The hours will be Sunday through Thursday 330-midnight, which is fine actually because hockey is on Friday and Saturday nights and if I need to take classes on campus now I can rather than having to let go of scholarships and grants by transferring to another university. I don’t trust when I have so many doors opening and lines aligning though. I’m probably going to get cancer.


Peace

Blabber

You ever have those times where you wish someone, just anyone, would give a shit? That someone could understand, understand the pressure, the emptiness, the anxiety, the waiting to fail but being afraid to succeed, just someone who can just be happy and excited for you, but also knowing you don’t deserve any of it, breathing can be so hard. Two days of hiding under my covers, sure I’m acquiring everything I wanted but there’s still the pain of swallowing, the knowing at any point all it takes is a single moment for me to lose everything. I hate my recovered body, will I ever be able to look in the mirror again without crying? Life’s not fair, but I think I probably deserve it all. I want to breath without choking. I want to see the sky without sadness. To wake up without dreading work. Can I handle it? If I can’t than I lose it all. Sucky for me all I do is choke. Choke and fall, take a leap but the edge breaks off, try to run but the air is no longer oxygen. Light bleeds through the blinds, over my head my blankets go.

Coming to and End?

Well, my domain will be expiring soon. It’s weird to think I have been blogging to you guys for a year. I am not sure I will renew. Life has been shitty lately but I am trying to keep my head up. I feel something great is coming, like I am going to be great. I just have to keep breathing and I can’t let myself subside to the bottle. I have been sort of manic spending. I am not purging but have still been using food as a comfort, so more binging than I would like. I absolutely hate my job these days and everyday I think of coming to work I have anxiety. I stress on the weekends of having to step foot in the door. I’m trying to see the positives but my world is mostly dark. I am trying though, I have been interviewing elsewhere. My thing though is I want to keep my safety and security so I can’t exactly live under a certain wage. I feel trapped. I will be okay though, I know I will. I keep telling myself to get my shit together but until I am at that point I cannot. We all know how I am, I will be in a low spot until one morning I wake up and I am ready to jump, I can’t rush myself, no matter how much I want to. It’s how I was able to wake up almost seven months ago and say I am done vomiting and how I was able to wake up one morning and say that I am finding a safe place and how I woke up and said I was getting a reliable vehicle. It just comes, hell, even moving here I just woke up and was ready to go. I just wish I would hurry up and be ready.


Well, in case I decide not to renew, follow me on FB 🙂 Maybe I will find a cheaper place to blog or figure my shit out.

https://www.facebook.com/UnbreakableKitten/



If your interested to know where everything started read my book 🙂

 

 


I would like to continue blogging, I just have to figure life out. We will see. I am honestly surprised I am still going lol.

Drained

You ever have those nightmares you cannot get out of? You know your dreaming and you know it’s going to get really bad and so you force yourself to wake up, but your not really awake. So than you force your self awake again, but again, you feel awake but you know you aren’t, you are just trapped and you just have to keep on running. Normally when I get really afraid and I know something bad is going to happen is when I can really wake myself up. I have wondered though what would happen if I didn’t? Is that what a coma feels like? If I was truly lost in my mind it would be a nightmare; a coma of continuous nightmares. I suppose they are not always bad though, my vivid dreams. They are so beautiful sometimes, so beautiful I would be happy if I never woke up. Whatever the dream though, the vivid ones I have take so much out of me, I wake up and feel as if I never slept. It’s a good thing dreams can’t kill lol.


Today is gloomy, we should be having a chain of gloomy days for a bit. Five years ago I came to this city to have an abortion at 24, that day was as gloomy as today. I knew back then I wanted to be here. From there on I always had this place as my goal to get to. Now I am here, the air smells the same and the sky looks the same as that day but it doesn’t feel like the same place as I visited five years ago. I recognize everything but everything is still new and unfamiliar in ways. Maybe it is me, I am different after all, but also not. I am still trying to hold on, I am still waiting for the end of this broken mind.


Goals, I have to keep goals, thats the only way of success and fully recovering.

  1. Get out of debt
  2. Fix teeth completely
  3. Be healthy

Those are my three big goals. A second job will really help with me getting out of debt. I need to pay down my consolidation loan. That alone would save me $360 a month once that is out of the way. There is a little over 8k left on it. I would like to pay off my root canal sooner too since that is $142 a month till November. I am noticing pain in my upper right molar, sharp pain, so I am thinking that may eventually need a root canal as well. Hopefully it can last till my insurance renews next year. I am thinking I need to be prepared in case I have to have it done right away though. Being healthy means continuing my personal trainer. It also means having the funds to buy healthy food. A second job will also help this. Being mentally healthy is having less stress which all I am doing right now is stressing over finances. I am thinking this second job is inevitable, I have to try it. I can do this, I have to.


“Use your words Kateri”

“What if there are no words to explain what I feel?”

But theres always words…isn’t there?…


Coffee seems to be helping my body wake up. I feel different. Ugh I feel like I am hungover in a way even though I am not. I feel like I could sleep for a months strait.


Hello new reader!

Hello old readers coming back, I recognize you.


I do not have much more to say. I am not sure how often I will read my book, maybe once a week? Idk, it seemed awkward. Siiiigh…I should be productive. Have a good day everyone! Be good to yourselves 🙂

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