abortion

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

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Finally! Back to School!

08Jan2019

I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.


I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.


Eating Habits

My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.


TODAY!



Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!


Drinking Wise

There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.


Eating Wise

Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional  cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.


I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.

I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.


I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.


My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.


I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!


I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.


Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!

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Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.

Oh a Years Difference….

This time last year I was taking down my tree because I absolutely hated life and the holidays. My grandma had just died whom I loved dearly, I was fighting the post office for work-mans comp because my knee was spurring so badly it would completely give out, I was trying to figure out how I would deal with finances while I was barely working, my birth sister had just found me through Facebook, and I was very very depressed. We all know it didn’t get better from there, in fact, I lost every part of my identity. When I look back I am not exactly sure I like who my identity said for me to be. I was a mess. I was transitioning from living for my daughter to finding a reason to live for myself. It took a major identity crisis that lasted a good chunk of the first half of the year. Towards the end of wanting to die and the beginning of building myself up is when I got the strength to start blogging. That is how quite a few of you readers began to follow me. Since than you have watched how I far I have come. A couple months ago I was very depressed, I felt myself falling again. I had a good job, was getting financially stable, and was having a good relationship with my daughter and her family, but inside I still felt like garbage. I was in a shitty apartment stuck in the middle of shitty people who had no ambition but to party and do drugs. I felt trapped. I stopped blogging, I became depressed and confused, was letting my bitchy coworker get to me, the world felt loud. The holidays were coming up and I felt myself really missing my grandma. The thing about me though is when I feel myself falling I will get to a point that I start fighting and I did. I took the leap and found a new apartment. The moment I walked in this apartment I knew it was the one I could call home. I moved in but there was still a sadness I felt inside. As the holidays drew nearer I knew it was because I missed my grandma, she died 12/11 of last year. I slowly put up decorations, but honestly, it was very sad to do so. My parents spent Thanksgiving a bit sad, I honestly barely felt like celebrating it. I was depressed but forced myself to go to my daughters parents. I did have a good time but I also cried later that night. It was a slow process of putting up decorations and than came the depression of not being able to afford a tree or anything. That is when I found a lady on Facebook who was giving away decorations. As I put up the decorations it was a bittersweet feeling. But after a while it was almost a healing moment. I only mention all this because today I took down my tree and decorations, not out of depression though. I realized a coworker of mine was struggling and feeling a bit sad because she couldn’t give her two year old a tree or any decorations for Christmas. She bought her son some clothes and a couple toys for Christmas but felt really depressed because she had nothing to put the presents under. Right away I thought “well, she can have mine,” and right then I realized I was no longer holding onto the sadness of the past year and my grandma. I was happy with taking down everything because to me, they were just stuff, but to her and her boy it was happy moments to come. So here I sit, watching Netflix, no decorations, but still a happiness in my heart, because tonight I know she is putting up a tree and decorations for her son.

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Well, hockey sort of sucked tonight, buuuut there was beer and popcorn so that made it okay. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. This weekend went by way too fast.


“You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal Or To Dream A New Dream.”

I am starting to dream. I want to hike the black hills in old native burial grounds. I want to go to Centrailia, PA and visit Herseys. I want to go to the Grand Canyon and visit Area 51. Next year I for sure want to go skydiving. No longer am I just trying to survive, but live.


I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE FALL SEMESTER, WINTER BREAK! WHOOO!


Well, it was a busy weekend. I baked amazing cookies and spent time with my daughter and her parents. It was a great time. I had better relax for the night. My B/P was half n half, I was good but I also wasn’t. All I can say is I am keeping a lot of food down. I am changing, it is just a process. I want all my readers to be good to yourselves, and if you fail at times, that is okay. Goodnight 🙂

Well, This one Sucks

I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.


It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.


The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.


There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.


I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.

Ready for Bed

Today was exhausting but I hope I made a difference. As everyone knows, my daughters parents and I spoke with a group of aspiring parents at the adoption agency today. My goal was to have future parent’s understand the benefits of open adoption since there are those who kind of sway away from the idea or are intimidated. I would say there were 6ish couples and three adoption counselors, the one who did our adoption had the day off so was not present. Thats kinda too bad because I was looking forward to seeing her. I think the three of us were honest about out process and the emotions that came from each of us, positive and negative. Even with how emotional and chaotic the adoption started out we worked past that. I wont dive too much into how everything went since I would like to sleep on it. I think it went well though.


My eating was pretty off today. I think it’s because of all the emotions in the day. I fell off keto but I won’t beat myself up for it. I went through a lot of feelings today and comforted myself with b/p. I can’t say it was a bad thing, the class, because it wasn’t. I guess I still suck at comfortably expressing my thoughts and feelings, especially to a group of people I do not know.


I went tanning this morning. It felt really nice. I am excited for when I can work out again. My finger is feeling a lot better. I want to be healthy and strong.


I think I will be signing Bailey up for doggy day care every Monday. I didn’t get home till 630 this evening, I was gone almost 12 hours. I feel bad leaving Bailey home alone that long. The lady who runs the doggy meet ups takes her dogs to a doggy daycare that is right down the street from my work so I can drop Bailey off in the morning. It’s 24 dollars a day or I can buy a package of 10 for 190 dollars, so then 19 dollars. For being able to leave him from 7am to 7pm I do not consider that price bad at all. I just hope he does well without me. They said they would keep him segregated until he starts being comfortable with his surroundings and put him with pups who fit well with him. It makes me very anxious to think about but I think it will be good for him. I just don’t want any other pups to be mean to him.


Well, I am exhausted. I should get to bed soon. It was a very draining day, but a good day none the less. I have a busy day tomorrow. I am going to try and get off on time and then study for my psychology test Wednesday. I also want to get assignments due Wednesday finished tomorrow. There is hockey this week so I need to make sure and have homework done before than. I have fairly big assignments due this week so it’s a heavier load this week.  Have a good night everyone. Be good to yourself….I really am trying.

Beginning to Live

It is and interesting feeling when you have the world wide open to you but are still stuck in your mind. I am my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My strength can help me create a difference in the world but my weakness can kill me young. 


Why do I purge? I can go days without doing so but than I have that moment of insecurity or stress and it is a comfort I have had for over a decade. I do not NEED to throw up, it is really habit. I have been doing a lot better since sticking with veggies and meat, I do not really crave sugar anymore unless I let myself get overly hungry. I feel a lot better about myself. I feel healthier. I do eat more processed foods than I would like such as bacon and sausage. Eventually once I get to a healthy BMI and am able to work out again, I will start incorporating a fruit or two a day and than cut back on processed foods. I have some breathing room with it since its very little carbs. However once fruit is added I will no longer be in keto and will need to start eating cleaner. I do feel it taking a harder toll on my esophagus, it hurts a lot more sometimes. I know I am still as healthy as I am though because I am a fast healer.


I did not post yesterday because I was busy with my daughter and her parents. I have been really missing them lately, especially my daughter. I can at least message and talk to her parents all day but not really her since ya know, she’s barely even two yet. I have been so busy with work and school I feel like I don’t get much time with her these days, not anywhere that I used to anyways. It’s not anyones fault, it’s just life right now. Her grandpa hasn’t been in the best of health lately either so her parents have been busy helping family also and her dad is working two jobs at the moment. It’s just a hectic time for everyone and of course she is at the wonderful stage of tantrums and not sleeping so her mom isn’t getting normal sleep either. It sucks because my daughter is very much a part of me, I need her in some weird sense, our bond never did break after the adoption. Yesterday I babysat her for awhile while her parents went to run errands. It was nice, we watched some tv, played with toys, played outside, than I rocked her till she fell asleep, which she fell asleep right away. I hummed “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” this is my favorite Christmas song. I often hummed and sang this while I was pregnant with her. We had a really good time. Later on we invited friends over to watch hockey and than play Mario Party, it was a lot of fun. The whole day was really good. Today I slept in till 11ish. I went thrift shopping and then went over to visit my daughter and her parents. We just chilled and played because her dad hurt his back. I forgot to eat and became kinda weak and lightheaded a bit but we had a good dinner. It was a good busy weekend.


Tomorrow is the day we meet with the adoption agency and talk to other aspiring parents. I am not sure how this will go but I am going to do my best to be honest and comfortable. I do think it is important for aspiring parents to understand the view of the birthmother. The social worker who handled our adoption process emailed her parents a list of questions that will be asked. They aren’t overly invasive, just a lot of feelings and our story. My goal is to be as informative as possible on a birthmothers end and to help try to understand what can be going through a birthmothers mind. There are many emotions involved and I wouldn’t want aspiring parents to be put off or wary of having open adoptions because a birth mother may be difficult, after all, difficult can stem from being scared. So, I will do my best to help inform.


My finger is healing very well. I have almost a full range of motion and sensation. The doctor was really surprised with how fast I healed. I am going to hopefully try to get to the gym this week. I picked up OT for the next few months on Mondays. Because I am getting OT at the beginning of the week I am going to try to get Bailey to some more playdates if possible. I feel like I have been neglecting him lately. I feel bad and want to do better,


I think I suck at keeping friends and do not have much to offer the ones that I do. All I do have is being there to listen and offer any advice I can. I did that with a close friend today, the one whom I have talked about how we started on bad ends with the union. I am happy she is in my life. We are very similar in ways, especially with our dedication to the union. In the end I obviously couldn’t do the job due to my back and knee injury, but it was an interesting change with us. While I was at the post office we talked but it was always union related. Now we have become friends on a more personal level and I am grateful for this. She has positively impacted my life and I have looked up to her for a long time.


Well, the clock is about midnight and I want to get this post out today. I do not like missing days however I seem to be a little lately, but that is a good thing in a way because I am missing posts because I am living. I should get to bed soon. I am watching a movie right now while cuddling with Bailey. I hope everyone has a good night, sleep well.

Just Want Numbness

Days seem to pass by so fast these days. Between work and school I feel like everyday is a blur. The air is bitter these days and the wind is even colder. The blankets are warm and the wine suits the mood. Rosemary’s Baby, a favorite of mine is playing. Bailey is on my side sleeping on my tummy and the cats are snoozing away. It is a calm but stressful time. I am just trying to keep my emotions and mind in check. I wouldn’t mind not having emotions I don’t think. Emotions are exhausting and only cause problems.


I have been kind of hungry the past couple days. Tomorrow I can order groceries. I may have broke the bank a little with my new jersey but there are no regrets. I am gladly willing to be hungry a few days for it. Its not near as bad as that one time I went over a week without food….I think ten days? That was my own personal experiment however. So really, a meal a day or so really isn’t problematic. I am still proud of my new jersey, its my very first one I own. I have been racking up a lot of overtime so it will work out.


I didn’t really get a chance to talk to my manager today, it was a busy day and I was really snarky with my partner. I sort of procrastinated on my homework today so will have to do it tomorrow evening. No big deal, it’s all still on time. I am trying not to get stressed out at work but gawd, this lady. I am starting to wonder if I am better off leaving, but I love the company and there are bitches like her everywhere. I am just used to people like her being management.


My eating has been light. I am still eating lower carb. Jimmy Johns actually has really good unwhiches. I will eat well tomorrow evening when I have groceries delivered.


I really do not have much to say tonight. I am just trying to get by the days. The shorter they get the longer they feel. It’s like there is less time in the air…if that makes any sense. Well, everyone have a good night.

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