“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”
I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.
Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p. I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.
I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!
I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.
One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.
I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.
Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.
This time last year I was taking down my tree because I absolutely hated life and the holidays. My grandma had just died whom I loved dearly, I was fighting the post office for work-mans comp because my knee was spurring so badly it would completely give out, I was trying to figure out how I would deal with finances while I was barely working, my birth sister had just found me through Facebook, and I was very very depressed. We all know it didn’t get better from there, in fact, I lost every part of my identity. When I look back I am not exactly sure I like who my identity said for me to be. I was a mess. I was transitioning from living for my daughter to finding a reason to live for myself. It took a major identity crisis that lasted a good chunk of the first half of the year. Towards the end of wanting to die and the beginning of building myself up is when I got the strength to start blogging. That is how quite a few of you readers began to follow me. Since than you have watched how I far I have come. A couple months ago I was very depressed, I felt myself falling again. I had a good job, was getting financially stable, and was having a good relationship with my daughter and her family, but inside I still felt like garbage. I was in a shitty apartment stuck in the middle of shitty people who had no ambition but to party and do drugs. I felt trapped. I stopped blogging, I became depressed and confused, was letting my bitchy coworker get to me, the world felt loud. The holidays were coming up and I felt myself really missing my grandma. The thing about me though is when I feel myself falling I will get to a point that I start fighting and I did. I took the leap and found a new apartment. The moment I walked in this apartment I knew it was the one I could call home. I moved in but there was still a sadness I felt inside. As the holidays drew nearer I knew it was because I missed my grandma, she died 12/11 of last year. I slowly put up decorations, but honestly, it was very sad to do so. My parents spent Thanksgiving a bit sad, I honestly barely felt like celebrating it. I was depressed but forced myself to go to my daughters parents. I did have a good time but I also cried later that night. It was a slow process of putting up decorations and than came the depression of not being able to afford a tree or anything. That is when I found a lady on Facebook who was giving away decorations. As I put up the decorations it was a bittersweet feeling. But after a while it was almost a healing moment. I only mention all this because today I took down my tree and decorations, not out of depression though. I realized a coworker of mine was struggling and feeling a bit sad because she couldn’t give her two year old a tree or any decorations for Christmas. She bought her son some clothes and a couple toys for Christmas but felt really depressed because she had nothing to put the presents under. Right away I thought “well, she can have mine,” and right then I realized I was no longer holding onto the sadness of the past year and my grandma. I was happy with taking down everything because to me, they were just stuff, but to her and her boy it was happy moments to come. So here I sit, watching Netflix, no decorations, but still a happiness in my heart, because tonight I know she is putting up a tree and decorations for her son.
Well, hockey sort of sucked tonight, buuuut there was beer and popcorn so that made it okay. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. This weekend went by way too fast.
“You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal Or To Dream A New Dream.”
I am starting to dream. I want to hike the black hills in old native burial grounds. I want to go to Centrailia, PA and visit Herseys. I want to go to the Grand Canyon and visit Area 51. Next year I for sure want to go skydiving. No longer am I just trying to survive, but live.
I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE FALL SEMESTER, WINTER BREAK! WHOOO!
Well, it was a busy weekend. I baked amazing cookies and spent time with my daughter and her parents. It was a great time. I had better relax for the night. My B/P was half n half, I was good but I also wasn’t. All I can say is I am keeping a lot of food down. I am changing, it is just a process. I want all my readers to be good to yourselves, and if you fail at times, that is okay. Goodnight 🙂
“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
How much have I let my past control my life? All the parties, sex, money spending, cutting, developing my eating disorder, for 28 years I let my childhood control who I became and from then on it controlled how I responded to stress and anxiety. My daughter saved my life but I do not know when the fight to survive really came. For the longest time it was surviving for her but now I am surviving for myself.
I cut my hair yesterday. It held too much negative energy from this past year. I see it as letting go. I feel so much weight taken off.
I believe hair does contain energy in a way, not exactly magical. But hair is pretty much dead cells from our bodies. If our bodies have stress and we don’t take care of ourselves, our hair reflects that. So now that I have built myself up extremely it was time to cut my hair and let the year go.
These always go hand in hand it seems like. I keep food down in the morning but by noon I feel a need to B/P for no real reason other than habit. I am trying to incorporate a variety of fruits into my diet since I am sure my electrolytes are off balance a lot. I do not want my body to be craving a nutrient and that be a reason why I B/P. Pineapple is so good. I think a weakness probably comes from lack of sleep as well. My sleeping is off balance. I am trying to get it back on track but its hard when I am not exactly sure when it has ever been a healthy amount. I sleep when I get sick otherwise I work all day, do homework, and than relax with wine way too late. I just need to tell myself to go to bed. I suppose that is part of the self control I need to develop more. I feel my bad habits trying desperately to hold on but I am pulling away easier day by day.
“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”
I am still trying to be optimistic about my finances. It will all be okay. Currency is funny but a great way to control a population. I feel my mind trying to break free as if its been molded to think certain ways to fit in with society. I feel like my eyes are seeing more then they used to.
I should get to work eventually. I also need to write my speech today also. Ugh, always procrastinating. Well, have a great day everyone!
Also….How cute are the boys?
Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it.
Life in General
It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.
I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.
Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.
I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.
Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.
All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?
Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.
If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?
All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.
It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.
The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.
There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.
I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.
The older I get, the more predictable and “just another statistic” I become. I am lost and feel very alone. I feel defined by words; birthmother, survivor, victim.When it comes these words I am automatically segregated, even if not the intention. The expectations of me are lowered to be confined to the words. Sitting in a crowd full of aspiring adopting parents I was out of place.I do believe open adoptions are good, however, now I see myself even more of an ideal “textbook” sort of case. It is all very sad but it is reality. I will only be the birthmother, never the parent, only the friend. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be better than just another birthmother I fail. All I hear is adoption over and over again these days, it’s like a barrier that I will never be able to pass because in the end, I am not good enough. In the end it is just a blessing to have everything work out….but what if one doesn’t believe in blessings? I know enough about life good things happen to others, and often for ones around me, they happen because I’ve stripped a part of me away. Is that what is happening now? Is that why I feel like just another title? Why am I here? I will cry myself to sleep tonight I think…no one seems to understand.