“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”
Yesterday did not go as planned. I worked a 10.5 hr day and by the time I got home a beer sounded refreshing…and it was. I went to bed by 10 since I was exhausted. This was mainly disappointing to me because I told my readers I was staying sober for a month, so into the garbage went the rest of my booze this morning. I won’t hide anything from my readers, I never have and will not start. But here starts my month of sobriety. If I am exhausted by the end of today well then, theres meditation or bed.
” Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there.”
I think when goals seem impossible, if we keep dreaming then we can never fail. Even at my lowest point in life I hung onto the dreams of being happy and stable. I think that is honestly what kept me alive. I do not think anyone truly wants to kill themselves, I think just sometimes those goals and dreams are forgotten. Hopelessness is easy to succumb to the easy fixes. All humans are at fault for giving into the temporary gratification, whether it be through eating, drinking, drugs, shopping, porn, drama, gossip, or anything else that makes one feel a false sense of happiness. Not saying all of these are bad, some are, but also some can be really good if balanced. The problem is we live in a society where it is really hard to balance these things because we are programmed to believe that consuming and materialism bring us happiness. We buy our kids tons of presents for birthdays and holidays, we eat and drink for any special occasion, and we party to congratulate. It is really easy to overlook how much we have. I am going a bit off on this because today our company announced we would all receive a 10% annual salary bonus. This combined with our last bonus this summer would make 18% that our company rewarded us with this year. I had already given up on getting any sort of bonus so this was really nice to wake up to. I am proud to work for a company that even though it has grown to the largest of its kind in the world, us little guys are still remembered and rewarded. I have many coworkers who were almost crying. Sure many of the people here are well off and will never have to worry about money, but there are also those of us that this is exactly what we needed to start the year off strong.
I have been keeping a lot more food down these past few days. I have a feeling this will get easier once I am completely rid of all the alcohol. I think it effects the body system for awhile. It would be nice to not be so constipated however. I am trying to eat more fiber and drink more coffee to help with this.
Well, it is Tuesday and today is looking a lot better than yesterday. I had better get going since my boss just walked in. Everyone have a good day, keep your goals high and keep on trotting!
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”
I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.
Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p. I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.
I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!
I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.
One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.
I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.
Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.
This time last year I was taking down my tree because I absolutely hated life and the holidays. My grandma had just died whom I loved dearly, I was fighting the post office for work-mans comp because my knee was spurring so badly it would completely give out, I was trying to figure out how I would deal with finances while I was barely working, my birth sister had just found me through Facebook, and I was very very depressed. We all know it didn’t get better from there, in fact, I lost every part of my identity. When I look back I am not exactly sure I like who my identity said for me to be. I was a mess. I was transitioning from living for my daughter to finding a reason to live for myself. It took a major identity crisis that lasted a good chunk of the first half of the year. Towards the end of wanting to die and the beginning of building myself up is when I got the strength to start blogging. That is how quite a few of you readers began to follow me. Since than you have watched how I far I have come. A couple months ago I was very depressed, I felt myself falling again. I had a good job, was getting financially stable, and was having a good relationship with my daughter and her family, but inside I still felt like garbage. I was in a shitty apartment stuck in the middle of shitty people who had no ambition but to party and do drugs. I felt trapped. I stopped blogging, I became depressed and confused, was letting my bitchy coworker get to me, the world felt loud. The holidays were coming up and I felt myself really missing my grandma. The thing about me though is when I feel myself falling I will get to a point that I start fighting and I did. I took the leap and found a new apartment. The moment I walked in this apartment I knew it was the one I could call home. I moved in but there was still a sadness I felt inside. As the holidays drew nearer I knew it was because I missed my grandma, she died 12/11 of last year. I slowly put up decorations, but honestly, it was very sad to do so. My parents spent Thanksgiving a bit sad, I honestly barely felt like celebrating it. I was depressed but forced myself to go to my daughters parents. I did have a good time but I also cried later that night. It was a slow process of putting up decorations and than came the depression of not being able to afford a tree or anything. That is when I found a lady on Facebook who was giving away decorations. As I put up the decorations it was a bittersweet feeling. But after a while it was almost a healing moment. I only mention all this because today I took down my tree and decorations, not out of depression though. I realized a coworker of mine was struggling and feeling a bit sad because she couldn’t give her two year old a tree or any decorations for Christmas. She bought her son some clothes and a couple toys for Christmas but felt really depressed because she had nothing to put the presents under. Right away I thought “well, she can have mine,” and right then I realized I was no longer holding onto the sadness of the past year and my grandma. I was happy with taking down everything because to me, they were just stuff, but to her and her boy it was happy moments to come. So here I sit, watching Netflix, no decorations, but still a happiness in my heart, because tonight I know she is putting up a tree and decorations for her son.
Well, hockey sort of sucked tonight, buuuut there was beer and popcorn so that made it okay. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. This weekend went by way too fast.
“You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal Or To Dream A New Dream.”
I am starting to dream. I want to hike the black hills in old native burial grounds. I want to go to Centrailia, PA and visit Herseys. I want to go to the Grand Canyon and visit Area 51. Next year I for sure want to go skydiving. No longer am I just trying to survive, but live.
I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE FALL SEMESTER, WINTER BREAK! WHOOO!
Well, it was a busy weekend. I baked amazing cookies and spent time with my daughter and her parents. It was a great time. I had better relax for the night. My B/P was half n half, I was good but I also wasn’t. All I can say is I am keeping a lot of food down. I am changing, it is just a process. I want all my readers to be good to yourselves, and if you fail at times, that is okay. Goodnight 🙂
“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
How much have I let my past control my life? All the parties, sex, money spending, cutting, developing my eating disorder, for 28 years I let my childhood control who I became and from then on it controlled how I responded to stress and anxiety. My daughter saved my life but I do not know when the fight to survive really came. For the longest time it was surviving for her but now I am surviving for myself.
I cut my hair yesterday. It held too much negative energy from this past year. I see it as letting go. I feel so much weight taken off.
I believe hair does contain energy in a way, not exactly magical. But hair is pretty much dead cells from our bodies. If our bodies have stress and we don’t take care of ourselves, our hair reflects that. So now that I have built myself up extremely it was time to cut my hair and let the year go.
These always go hand in hand it seems like. I keep food down in the morning but by noon I feel a need to B/P for no real reason other than habit. I am trying to incorporate a variety of fruits into my diet since I am sure my electrolytes are off balance a lot. I do not want my body to be craving a nutrient and that be a reason why I B/P. Pineapple is so good. I think a weakness probably comes from lack of sleep as well. My sleeping is off balance. I am trying to get it back on track but its hard when I am not exactly sure when it has ever been a healthy amount. I sleep when I get sick otherwise I work all day, do homework, and than relax with wine way too late. I just need to tell myself to go to bed. I suppose that is part of the self control I need to develop more. I feel my bad habits trying desperately to hold on but I am pulling away easier day by day.
“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”
I am still trying to be optimistic about my finances. It will all be okay. Currency is funny but a great way to control a population. I feel my mind trying to break free as if its been molded to think certain ways to fit in with society. I feel like my eyes are seeing more then they used to.
I should get to work eventually. I also need to write my speech today also. Ugh, always procrastinating. Well, have a great day everyone!
Also….How cute are the boys?
Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it.
Life in General
It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.
I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.
Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.
I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.
Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.
All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?
Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.
If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?
All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀
It’s been a long month. I think life is finally settling down.
So biggest thing that happened was I moved and I absolutely love my new apartment. It was a very much needed move. I felt myself losing grasp and hope that I could never get out of that shithole so I took the leap. Right when I walked into this apartment (I had toured a few) I knew it was the one. I moved in on the 10th I believe and have been sleeping in the dark ever since. Bailey is starting to fatten up and his anxiety has gone down so much and he is growing back bald patches of fur. The cats will lay on the windowsill and purr for no reason. I have yet to have someone take over my other lease. I have 2 months free for this apartment so will pay December and January for the other apartment. If no one takes over the lease by the end of January then when I get my loan dispersement from college I will use that to pay out the remainder of the lease. It ends end of April. I think it is prorated at 60 percent. We will see, I just needed out of that building. I felt like garbage living there. This apartment does cost quite a bit more but I will do a human study in January hopefully and than will use that to spread out over the lease so its cheaper per month.
I have my own laundry room also, never have to share laundry again. I am excited to use the balcony this summer, the sunsets are amazing and I have such a good view of traffic. Its a top floor corner apartment. I found a home.
Well, I finally had enough of my partner and completely told her off last week. It was amazing. So we all know I have been having problems with her for awhile because she’s ugly inside and out. I went to my boss’s manager and HR to make an official complaint because she has been getting worst. I wrote up about three pages of shit she’s done and said about me and how nasty I have seen her towards other people when management or “popular” people aren’t around. From what I understand from others, there are managers keeping tabs on her. My boss is now hiring for another shipping partner for me (I NEED ONE! WE HAVE PICKED UP LIKE CRAZY!) as well as another packaging person. I am thinking what the plan is is to give her another packaging partner to train and if need be they can let her go. Right now she is the only one who knows packaging well, I somewhat know it but it would really hurt if I had to do it all myself, plus theres protocols and I would need a partner to be verifying all my files. So right now she loves to act like she’s invincible but eventually she won’t be. I am no where near the only one who is having problems with her, but I started a pretty decent complaint process so we will see what happens.
Anyways, I told her off pretty hard, yelling and pointing my finger at her because I honestly just got tired of her shit. I have been feeling great ever since. She still annoys the fuck out of me but she is rarely near me. She is also very nice to me now, although I know its all fake and she’s still talking shit, but she’s an old hag who eats everything in site….soooo… Who cares? Soon, I will not deal with her because once I get a partner she is OUT of my office and I will have NOTHING to do with her other than receiving shipments. A friend of mine from the Post Office applied to be my partner…I am really crossing my fingers she gets it. She’s a really hard worker and very sweet.
Eating Wise/ Drinking wise
It was pretty rough there for a while with the binging and purging. I never felt like I was getting a break from stress between home, personal, and work life. I was always feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any minute. I felt it really effecting my heart and mind. Of course I used the drinking to combat that. Pretty sure that was a double edged sword to do but theres a place I have to get to to get the strength and courage to leap. Pretty much I figured either I would slowly kill myself or I needed to change everything that was wrong. Now that life is falling into place I am trying to eat better. My drinking tolerance is starting to go down I feel. I am keeping food down more. I think I just need to eat a small amount of food at a time. I had 2 eggs with peppers and onions cooked in coconut oil for breakfast and I feel good. I have been trying to drink more water also. I kind of want to take a month off from drinking again. I am trying to remember to take fish oil for my heart and a vitamin. I’ve started taking my probiotic again also. We will see how this goes.
Hmm..well, I think I am ready to start dating again. I have never really had a healthy relationship though so I will be cautious. I will be having coffee with a guy who works with the lady who runs the dog meetups. I am excited to meet him as we have only had contact over the phone. If nothing comes of it well than at least I will probably have a friend. If something does happen great. I am not desperate. He is fairly successful and has a really good career. He loves to travel and is active outdoors. He only drinks socially and loves animals. He seems like someone worth having at least coffee with.
Bailey and I will be attending a pup meetup this Sunday so I am excited for that. He has been going to daycare 1-2 times weekly. The girls who run it have told me he is becoming so much more open and plays with others a lot. I am hoping to see this in action since some of the pups are familiar with each other. He seems to be a lot happier. I like that he is not so scrawny anymore.
Well, in a nutshell that has been what has been going on. Next week is the last week of school and I am so excited for the semester to be over. Its been a rough year lol. I am excited for the year to be over honestly. I have decorated a little for Christmas, its been rough since this is the first year without my grandma. She died December 11th last year. There is a nice lady who will be giving me some more decorations since money is tight. I am trying little by little to be happy.
Well, I should probably get to work. Have a good day everyone!
There was once a little girl who created her own world, although it had no name, it was her safe place. She learned to escape to it when bad things were happening. It was beautiful and vivid, she could smell the flowers, feel the breeze, smell the salty oceans, watch the deep blue sky turn black and see the planets and stars come out. In this world all her dreams came true, she had many friends, always had someone to hold her, and she would go on adventures. She left her body behind to fend for itself so her consciousness didn’t have to be aware when bad things happened. Although she tried to take all her mind with her, she left enough that understood what was happening was very bad and hurt a lot, and she was very scared, but even she abandoned herself. What was left behind became the monster.
I believe to an extent that everyone has another form of themselves inside them, whether it be the loss of who they wanted to be and their dreams didn’t work to the simplest little thoughts of hoping karma can get at those who have done wrong to them. The human mind has many layers of consciousness, depending on what theories are looked up and each layer becomes harder to understand. I cannot say truthfully whether or not the girl inside me is a monster or just a sad reality left behind. As my daughters mom explained it, she is everything bad that has happened to me. I may not be as perfect as a statistic as I thought, because in theory I should be her all the time. She is sad, confused, scared, and still an angry little girl. She is who I try to keep my thoughts straight to avoid because she is the complete opposite of me. I have never thought of her as actually being separate from me until my daughters mom and I were talking yesterday. Maybe I do need to keep her separate so I can try to help her, after all, avoiding her is not working. She is my greatest weakness and could very well be my greatest danger. I just don’t have any idea how to help her yet.
I am sorry for being fairly short lately, I have been in a fairly emotional mood lately since Monday when I had that first depressive episode. I feel good now and know I will be stable for awhile again. I am fairly certain hormones have a big reasoning behind my moods. My cycles are off balance while at the same time still cycles. I will have the same cramping and everything the same time every month, but its bad cramping, like having a real heavy flow, but than there is no bleeding. There might be occasional spotting but nothing that explains why I cramp so bad. I become pretty much a hormonal bitch and than can’t keep my thoughts and emotions in check and in turn the monster me comes out. I have had ultrasounds for this but nothing has been found. I suppose it could just be a chemical imbalance. I am beginning to understand when these moods come, my mind will start wondering a lot more, I will have a harder time focusing, and when I have a low mood spell I know the little girl is about to come out so I work harder to keep her at bay, although it never really works. So now she is gone and I feel good again. It would be nice if I could send my blogs out to psychologists around the world and be like, here is my term paper, please grade accordingly and tell me the best advice to succeed. I can try talk therapy again, for the millionth time (over-exaggeration) but it gets exhausting. And I, for the most part, am really good. I am goal-oriented and fairly happy, but that other girl, even though she is not around much, she’s the exact opposite. When she is around I know it and try to fight her but I think I probably suck at it. If I feel blogging is helpful, maybe I need to let her speak too. Although I fear if I do my readers will understand just how crazy I feel I am.
Well, I suppose that will be all today. I am very busy at work today (NOT), but I do have homework I can do. It’s so beautiful outside today, I wouldn’t mind delivering mail in this weather. I am hungry, I am going to go get a pumpkin spice coffee I think. OOOOooo, MMMMmmmm, Pumpkin! Have a good day everyone, please be good to yourselves, at least better than the monster is to me. BYYEE!