Tummy Bug



Butter, who would have thunk it could be a healthy fat?

Butter has vitamins A,E, and K2, K2 being one that many westerners lack. This helps prevents blood clots and is good for bones and the heart. (Who knows the damage I have done to my heart.)

-Butter contains healthy saturated fats that studies have shown can actually help with weight loss.

-If it’s real butter, it’s exactly that! Crap like margarine is so overly processed. I don’t care if they separate the good vegetable oils from the bad….the fact they need to do that to market as healthier than a pure substance like butter is disgusting. Also studies are showing that people who eat margarine have a higher chance of cardiovascular disease.

-This one I didn’t know, real butter contains butyrate which is very good for the digestive system. Butyrate nourishes our body all the way down to the mitochondria and lowers insulin and triglycerides. Butyrate can also prevent weight gain and is an anti-inflammatory.

-Studies show those who eat real butter are not at a higher chance for obesity.

So butter is amazing. I cooked my eggs and pepper in butter for breakfast. I love the taste of real butter. I also had a red banana (they are cute lil things) but I won’t go into detail with how great those are for a person either, better than yellow!

Eating Wise

I am eating fine. I am chewing my food and enjoying what I have. In turn that causes me to eat less and I actually feel satisfied now. I bought some healthy groceries last night, even bread! I bought some greek yogurt for the probiotics it has as well.

I am feeling kinda sick this morning as I am typing this. I kinda wonder if I am getting what my daughter and her parents have been dealing with. The good thing about that is it seems to be only a 24hr bug….it just doesn’t make it fun today. I feel like throwing up but my daughters mom brought me a sprite.


Ok, so after I wrote that yesterday, I went downhill fast. I was able to get all my shipping done but I left work around one (?) and its a good thing I left when I did because I literally passed out. Everything, body, joints, skin, eyes, brain, organs, all hurt. I woke up a few times hallucinating thinking clients were touring my apartment or that there was someone inside. I heard voices and saw shadows. I was sweaty but freezing. I managed not to throw up, I kept moving into positions where the nausea would temporarily subside. My tummy felt like needles were being stuck in and out of it all over. This morning I attempted to go to work but I could barely stand for more than a few minutes before my head would feel so full and I would collapse. My body still ached and I still felt nauseas a bit. I slept till around 11 and managed to eat a bowl of “Well Yes” soup (not bad). I slept again until a little after 4 tonight and have been up since, it’s now 6. My spine still aches and my head still feels full. My uterus still hurts. Weirdly my ears hurt as well.  I can at least sit up so I can get some homework done.

Eating Wise

Well, I only ate Greek Gods Yogurt after going home yesterday and than a little for breakfast as I was attempting to get ready for work. Since I don’t have the nausea anymore I made a nutrient packed soup, boiled hamburger, wild blend rice, onions, mixed peppers, mixed vegetables, and a big can of crushed tomatoes.


I am very excited to eat it. Right now I am enjoying a cup of tummy tea. I am not afraid to eat these days, it’s just whatever. I do want to find time for the gym but not until I am a hundred percent. I want to build muscle. Food is energy for the body so I am finding nutrient packed foods to eat. I do not limit myself with foods I want, but just make sure to watch myself and if I am full or not. I ate the pizza pretty easy this weekend though, even though I probably ate a little too much. It was really good. I feel satisfied with food. And damn, I save a lot of money.

Drinking Wise

Ha, funny, no time for that shit right now. I am so behind on homework now.

Well, not much more has gone on the past two days other than me feeling like I was going to die. This soup is really good. I need to get caught up on homework. My body aches and headache is starting to subside a little, I think water is really helping. Well, I hope everyone stays healthy, goodnight peeps.


Too much Detail


I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.


Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.


So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.

Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!

Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.

Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.

So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.

Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!

Another Direction

Could I one day feel normal?

Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?

Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?

Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?



When my pants rip it is a mortifying sign that I need to take the low carb healthy eating a lot more seriously and stop the B/P, because lets face it, it only causes weight gain. I cannot say this is all an entirely bad idea because beer and malts are definitely not helping. So I will take a break off of drinking for two weeks for the induction period. I bought some Truly’s last night, they aren’t too bad and only 2 grams of carbs per serving, but I will save those for later on, probably during a hockey game. Either way, only healthy carbs for the next two weeks because lets be honest, I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe, so today thrift shopping it is.

I took my biotin and focus supplement along with some fish oil this morning. I have been going to bed later than I would like these past few days so I am going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight. If I am trying to keep my brain healthy I should give it proper rest also. I need to start getting myself back on a schedule. Tired me brings out the bitch, which I think it pretty normal, just my bitch is a bit abnormal.

I can feel myself want to b/p when I am this tired. I have a hard time with self control. So no matter how awake my mind feels tonight I am going to have some sleepy time tea and knock myself out if I have to.

Well, I have work to do and am trying to keep my head focused, I think the pills do help with that but like I said, I cannot know a full effect until probably a month. I will be good to myself today, you all should too. Get a good nights rest and enjoy your day. Bye Bye everyone!

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