Coming to and End?

Well, my domain will be expiring soon. It’s weird to think I have been blogging to you guys for a year. I am not sure I will renew. Life has been shitty lately but I am trying to keep my head up. I feel something great is coming, like I am going to be great. I just have to keep breathing and I can’t let myself subside to the bottle. I have been sort of manic spending. I am not purging but have still been using food as a comfort, so more binging than I would like. I absolutely hate my job these days and everyday I think of coming to work I have anxiety. I stress on the weekends of having to step foot in the door. I’m trying to see the positives but my world is mostly dark. I am trying though, I have been interviewing elsewhere. My thing though is I want to keep my safety and security so I can’t exactly live under a certain wage. I feel trapped. I will be okay though, I know I will. I keep telling myself to get my shit together but until I am at that point I cannot. We all know how I am, I will be in a low spot until one morning I wake up and I am ready to jump, I can’t rush myself, no matter how much I want to. It’s how I was able to wake up almost seven months ago and say I am done vomiting and how I was able to wake up one morning and say that I am finding a safe place and how I woke up and said I was getting a reliable vehicle. It just comes, hell, even moving here I just woke up and was ready to go. I just wish I would hurry up and be ready.

Well, in case I decide not to renew, follow me on FB 🙂 Maybe I will find a cheaper place to blog or figure my shit out.

If your interested to know where everything started read my book 🙂



I would like to continue blogging, I just have to figure life out. We will see. I am honestly surprised I am still going lol.



I talked to an old friend yesterday about my book. I used to work with her at the post office in Bismarck when I processed mail overnights. I really liked her, she was weird but real (as many weird people usually are). I recall her telling me about her younger days when she drank a lot, I think she was adopted too. She wanted to be a playboy bunny when she was my age at the time like I did (she’s probably 10-15 years older than me). She is a good Christian, non judgmental and tries to understand people, loves pugs, doesn’t shave (yet not really any hair), doesn’t wear deodorant (aluminum) , eats all organic and all natural. Anyways, she said she was reading my book (about done I think) and a coworker clocked out and randomly sat next to her and started pouring out how she needs help because she is a bad alcoholic and suffers from an eating disorder. Her relationship is nothing but turmoil because her significant other drinks more than her. (Personally I think this is toxic and it won’t work unless they both stop drinking, those relationships are the worst, although it also sounds like he keeps her down anyways so none of it seems healthy enough to put in the effort to fix, I would say she needs to find herself). Anyways, my friend was able to help talk to her because of my book, she said it was no coincidence I published when I did. She also believes everything happens for a reason, I am not sure I believe this, but she was able to console this coworker and that is my goal with this book, to help.

At the time I published I did not really have a goal, I just wanted my story out there. Now I know my goal is to reach as many people as possible who need the assurance they are not alone and to help people understand the ones who suffer. Also to hopefully get people to not be so judgmental. I am sure there will still be readers who judge me after reading my book but that is okay, I care more about whom I can help.

It was upper body day today at the gym, I feel like the lifts that strengthen me the most are the ones I hate the most. Also, I hate pictures of my body taken, but this is something I am trying to work on. I hate it because I hate the body I have but as long as I hate it I cannot accept it and without accepting it I cannot love myself fully. I do still have some body dysmorphia, I feel like I have gained TONS of weight (roughly 30-40 pounds) since leaving the post office 1.5 years ago, but realistically I am not as big as I think I am. I am also stronger in areas than I ever was before. My BMI says I am obese but considering when I was a “healthy” weight I was purging easily 20 times a day and downing liquor like there was no tomorrow, I try to not give it much thought. I am 165 now and was 140 when quitting the B/P at the beginning of the year. I have also lost fat too since hiring a personal trainer as well as gained muscle. My body does not hurt as much either. I try to eat healthy regularly. Sure I may be “obese” now, but I am healthier than I have ever been. Also, it feels great for my teeth to not hurt non-stop. Anyways, this is a work in progress.


I am seeing Halestorm on Sunday, I am excited. This will be my second concert I’m going to fully experience. I am going with my daughters parents and our two good friends (our little hockey group). I will try to take some pictures. I will be taking next Monday off however, mainly because we will not get back till after midnight Sunday night and people at work love Game of Thrones…and no way in hell am I risking people telling me what happens, especially when every Monday the first thing a coworker talks about of GoT.

I should be getting my paperback copy of my book on Friday, I am hoping it turns out the way I imagined it to be. I will probably try to vlog about it. I am trying to figure out ways to best connect with readers on a personal level.

Well…that is really all there is to write about. It’s cold and gloomy outside. I am here at work…waiting for the day to be over (yes…I am only an hour in). Well, everyone have a good day. 🙂

Keeping My Head Up

It sucks when you no longer find the fulfillment in a workplace because of mismanagement. It’s depressing to even come here. I have been trying to switch departments but with the cluster-fuck that happened and “miscommunication” of my manager, I am fairly certain I will not be accepted anywhere since I was written up by HR. All I did was give a shit about those we serve, oh well. There is nothing I can do but come to work and hope for the best. I feel like every other average worker these days. I need to stop caring so much about helping people, or I guess caring about those that are able to help people, I don’t know. It’s bullshit. In the perfect world I could just be a privileged college kid who’s primary focus is school. I could just be a normal student for once. Well, I cannot be, I have to pay bills.

Speaking of such, I have mentioned that I have a tuition waiver for NDSU. The issue I am running into however is that they don’t really offer a psychology degree online, many of the classes have to be done in class. It just so happens professors work the same hours that I do so it is a very conflicting schedule. I am taking four classes this fall semester that will count towards my electives and requirements, but I am already starting the year behind because three of them are electives rather than the requirements that other students in my class will be taking. I could always transfer to UND in Spring since they offer online classes, the problem is I do not have the tuition scholarship there. I am really trying not to think about the situation for work and school, I am just hoping for a really good opportunity to come along work wise that can work perfectly with school.

My legs are feeling yesterday, it’s a good ache though. I went to the gym this morning but my stupid headphones decided to give out on me. I cannot really have a good cardio workout without music blasting in my ears, I need the music to escape from my mind. Tomorrow I see my PT again so Thursday my arms will be whats sore, I like the pain though.

I am trying to get a lot more fluids in me. I have recently been having a lot more issues with swelling in my legs. I contribute this to always sitting on my ass all day since eighty percent of my workload has been taken from me. I have cut back a lot on drinking as well since that was just adding up carbs and sodium and would work against the hydration. I see some positive results but I think as long as I have a job where I am on my ass all day the effects will still be there. I am trying to walk around more but when work makes you feel miserable it’s hard to want to do anything. I am not sure how much longer I have here if no other departments will accept me due to “miscommunication”. I really am hoping for the best.

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I still love La Croix’s….like seriously, Grapefruit is my new favorite flavor. No sodium, no sugar, no carbs, just pure perfection.


It has been very gloomy lately; cold, wet, overcast, the air smells like dog shit and construction. It’s kinda the smell all over town, like when the clouds just keep everything masked in. I boiled chicken all day Sunday and than made it into a yummy soup yesterday. I bought a new spice rack so I was very happy to have Rosemary again. I used a lot of seasonings in this soup, very low carb, high protein, and a power meal full of vitamins and minerals. It was delicious and made my tummy nice and warm.

ALSO, I can’t believe I ever saw myself as “so fat!” as a letter carrier. I was roughly 130 pounds here, but my legs were pure muscle so that added weight. I was wearing layered clothes here because the temps were sub-zero and my uniform was still baggy! Like I have two layers of pants on here and the thigh portion of my legs were literally twice the size because I have a rectangle figure. So so dumb, my hip bones easily showed underneath as well as my ribs, and I still wanted to lose another twenty pounds. Ugh!


Well, I do not have much more to write about this morning. I am trying to keep my head up but it does suck lately. Also, as for my book, the kindle version is officially $5.99

and the paper back is $8.99

For some reason they are not connected on Amazon. Also, I am not sure if people who click Facebook links can write reviews since Amazon doesn’t allow friends or family to review, so I found GoodReads that will allow

So please review! 🙂 

Well, my coffee mug is empty so I think I will go fill it. If anyone has any ideas of how to promote my book further I would love to hear it. I have been getting quite a few likes on FB from advertising in San Francisco, New York, Orlando, and Chicago (I wanted high populated areas to reach further). Those advertisements should be ending in the next few days. My free book promo ended at midnight last night. So yeah, if anyone has good ideas, let me know 🙂 Well, have a good day peeps.