Here comes the storm, all grey and white, I knew Alaska could never leave me. The air is heavy. Climate change, whata bitch. Anyways, we should be getting 12-17 inches of snow, yay! It’s okay, sometimes I feel like I relate to the skies more than anything. Years of raping and beating the planet and its breaking down. Actually no, I don’t see it as breaking down but evolving. It is true the climate change does not mean the end of the world, but it could mean the end of a big chunk of humanity and the end of simple innocent creatures. A harsher reality so to say. Hmm…a harsher me? I always heard that cockroaches could survive WWIII. Who would have thought WWIII wouldn’t be the end of humanity as we know it? Well, maybe we will get lucky.

I spent the day fighting with my daughters mom. It’s been more and more lately, I suppose its both our faults, maybe its not even a fault. She acts on logic and I act on emotions. It’s exhausting. I am getting tired of pretending to smile and laugh. Oh yeah, I got let go front the grocery store, I was trying to be nice and let them know that they may need a backup for me because I will be interviewing for a higher paying position. Oh well, I think Bailey will enjoy me being home more, that is, till I potentially start a new position. Ugh, now I really hope I get it. I am debating on getting my nails done to look more professional.

The bulimia and alcoholism are at bay, which is interesting considering my day was pretty draining. Hmm, lets see, its been 2.5 months now since I last drank and 2 months maybe since I last purged? I can’t remember if I talked about the small relapse. I can’t be too hard on myself, I stopped it, I stopped them both. No purging, no cutting, no drinking, just video games, reading, walking, drawing, singing, writing, and crying. Ugh the crying is what gets me though, gives me such a headache and ugly eyes. It’ll get better, I’ll get better. I am trying, gotta take a step back to get a running leap forward right?

Run motherfucker run, don’t look back, just dream big and run.

I need to learn to relax.

Well, I said I wanted to start blogging again regularly for self therapy. I am not sure what all therapy this will do, but hey, life cant be unicorns and butterflies all the time right? And I seem to get more readers when I am down lol. Maybe I am just more relatable. A good life is fairly boring to listen to right? Shit, a good life seems so boring, maybe thats why I can never seem to stay there. Well, have a good night everyone. Be good to yourselves, keep running, do better than me.

Happy Mothers Day

I cannot get this nightmare out of my head, it still feels so real four days later.

I am at this beautiful lake with my daughters mom. The sky is a deep blue, the air smells sweet, and birds chirp in the distance. The shore of the lake is made up of red bricks, it looks purple when the water would wave onto them. The day was warm with a slight breeze. We jumped off the dock into the water and had a real fun time. The dock is like a regular dock except at the end with a circular platform, maybe so more people could sit with their feet in the water? We said we will take our daughter next time we come. Then the dream fast forwards, there were things that happened in between but nothing I can really make sense of. The sky is an ugly brownish blue and the air is hot. My daughters mom and I walk onto the dock with other unfamiliar people. As I am walking bugs are trying to bite at my feet through the dock. The lake has dried up so much the dock no longer reaches it. She tells me she’s happy we did not bring our daughter this time. I agree. The foliage is all dried up around the lake, the air is silent. Everything is ugly. The ladders off the dock lead to nothing but red brick. We climb down the ladder, other people are already in front of us looking out ahead. The sun is setting in front of us, making the sky a deep red. The bricks feel hot and sting my feet a little. The air smells like sulfur. We walk with everyone else towards the remainder of the lake, silently but with a shared realization the earth is finally dead. I keep seeing the black figures of people in front of me walking into the sun surrounded by red.

There was a lot that happened in my dream from beginning to end, I was so feverish though so I do not remember anything else. I still see this dream in particular in my head though, its so clear as if it really happened. I still feel the sadness and fear. I have dreamt of this place before, not this setting though. There is a dream world where I have gone since as far back as I can remember. Sometimes it is fun, other times it is scary. I met my grandma here before she died. We were sitting on a log on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful scenery. She was a lot younger, probably my age. We didn’t speak, she just smiled and I knew she would be happy. At the time she was dying in hospice. She died not too long after that dream. There was a house I used to play in in the woods in this dream world. It was over ran by nature but had thick glass windows made up of square glass. It was old an abandoned. I would get there from my grandmas house, she had woods around her and I would run through them and find this house to play in. I went there quite a few times as a kid. There have also been times I have seen terrible things here, I guess this was just another time. I probably am a good candidate for dementia.

I am making my daughters mom cookies for Mothers Day. They are delicious. Baking is one of the few things I am actually somewhat good at.


I am feeling a lot better physically today. My sickness has turned into a cold I think. I can live with that. I am still a bit drained but thats okay. Back to normal tomorrow, after all, I have my personal trainer in the morning. Happy Mothers Day to any moms (includes birthmothers) 🙂