birthmother

Keep Your Head Up

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”

I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.


Eating/Drinking

Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p.  I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.


School

I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!


Work

I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.


One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.


Side Thought

I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.


Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.

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Just Another Birth-mother

I have mentioned previously being adopted. I have also briefly talked about giving up my daughter also. I wish I could say that both were happy for everyone involved. I love my parents and am close to them, I have not always been that way. I of course held a lot against them growing up and it hasn’t been till the past couple years that I have become as close as I have. It also has not been since within the past year that I have become happy with my decision to give up my daughter, but even then there has still been the sense of loss. In a nutshell though, adoption has been nothing but painful and disconnecting to me for 27 years. I have put up many walls because of it. In October I am asked to talk about my experience and feelings to a group of aspiring adopting parents. This seems kinda like bullshit to me since none of these future parents can fathom what it feels like for a birthmother to choose adoption. For them their dreams are coming true of being parents and building a family, for a birthmother she is losing her heart. Its even worst in a way because my relationship with my daughters parents is so deep and unique that I don’t want these parents to get unrealistic expectations. I am feeling similar emotions to when I was younger when I felt different because my parents weren’t my “real” parents even though to me they were. I am not my daughters “real” mom but just her birthmother. I never wanted to know my birth family and I still don’t.  It’s funny how within in a week I can go from feeling understood to feeling very different. I feel guarded and misunderstood. I feel very sad again.

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