childhood abuse

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

Advertisements

All Over

Well, its a new day, the sun is shining and its actually above zero this morning. There were a couple hiccups with my rental agency due to misinformation but I have that squared away. I just had to switch around dates for bills. I am being optimistic and not freaking out over the smallest inconvenience.


Day 3 of Month of Sobriety

Sooo…maybe there are a few withdrawal sides I am experiencing. Yesterday I spent the day feeling weird. I drank a lot of water but I had an ache gross feeling a lot of the day. Its like I had a weird pressure in my head and neck. I am not sure this can all be contributed to keeping food down. I am thinking maybe I was just detoxing my body with all the water I was drinking. I had my night time tea and even though it knocked me out fairly quickly I still woke up quite a few times sweaty. So, I am thinking my sleep patterns are fairly off, which makes sense because I am used to staying up till midnight or later playing video games. My head is fairly full this morning so I am downing the liquids again. I had a hot cup of green tea right away because I have read this is good for detoxing. I don’t really have any shakes or anything, so maybe this is all my body doing a normal detox. I need to get myself straight before school starts next week, at least have some sort of self control.


Eating Wise

Well, I have been sticking to my meat and veggies, not a lot of cheese since I have realized by body doesn’t digest it the best without eating a crap load of veggies first. I haven’t taken a shit in a couple days now so I took another probiotic this morning and had a cup of smooth move tea. Tomorrow is payday so I can buy some more veggies with a higher fiber content.


Bailey had one of his meet-ups last night, he hasn’t been going to daycare lately so I need to start that back up. I like him to socialize some, and at the meet-ups I can awkwardly socialize since I have trouble socializing on demand. He will be going to daycare tomorrow and is having his first Spa Day on Monday!


I went to bed fairly early last night, before 9 but stayed up awhile reading while drinking my night time tea. I am reading The Outsider right now, it seems to be starting out slow. It is a little frustrating that my reading skill suck because I used to really enjoy reading. I will probably go to bed early again tonight since tomorrow is hockey. Maybe this weekend I will even get to the gym. It honestly all depends on how my tummy is doing. Monday school starts back up. I am excited for that.


So todays blog has been fairly all over the place since I have written it throughout the day. My tummy is very full, maybe a little too full, so I am going to make some tea and read. I went another day without purging, however, there may have been a little binge, but on salad and chicken. I am getting there. Good night my peeps.

 

Mortal

I wonder how illogical I really am. I have good reason to be fear the things that I do. Psychologically I am pretty normal with my history but just because my fears are normal does not make them logical.  


An interesting realization happened yesterday. I was talking with my daughters mom about the man who molested me repeatedly as a child and decided to look him up. I have done this a few times in the past, not really out of any particular reason other than curiosity.  The only thing I have ever been really able to find was that he was convicted of molestation about a year after I moved from that village. What came from the conviction, I don’t know, because I recall hearing about him doing fine in the village when one of his sons shot himself a few years back. I wanted my daughters mom to have a mental image of him since I do often talk to her about my childhood so I found his mugshot from his arrest way back when, one where he is creepishly smiling. I should explain that I have always had a childish mental picture of him. I am always looking up at him and him being so much bigger than me. It has never really occurred to me to put this image in real time. Well anyways, she pointed out she thought he would be bigger and I didn’t understand and she said “well, he’s only 5’4″.” Of all the times I’ve looked him up and have had flashbacks I have not once thought about his size and I am 5’3″, which means I would not be looking up at him anymore. I would pretty much be eye to eye with him and if I’m wearing shoes, I would be even taller. After 26 years he is now very small in my head. Every image I thought of last night had me measuring up to him and I had no anxiety. It’s been 26-27 years since everything had started and he would be 59 years old now. I have always seen him as this big scary guy but now he’s just a pitiful small old man. Last night the immortal became mortal.


I hate animal abuse. I have seen much animal abuse during my lifetime. When I was around three I remember some older kids burning their cigarettes on a yellow lab. He had previous burn marks all over him, I doubt he lived much longer. I told them I was going to tell my dad and they were going to get into trouble and they laughed. So I told my dad and he went and talked to the kids.  I do not know what was said but I know when I asked him what happened he said thats just the way things were. My small mind could not comprehend what happened but I know now thats when another innocent view I had of the world was broken. Most of my trauma comes from that first small village we lived in. My parents fought a lot there and were very close to getting a divorce. They separated for a while and I remember being sat down and asked who I wanted to live with. (If you have kids and are getting a divorce, DO NOT fucking ask your 3-4 year old kid this! BE THE ADULT!) Well, I didn’t know what was going on really and asked where my brothers were staying and said I would stay with who had less kids so it would be fair. (Logical kid right?) I am pretty sure I stayed with my dad but I cannot remember because I recall my mom got upset about something and in turn I ended up back with her.  Specifics are a little blurry since there were a lot of other things going on as well. Anyways, to the point, I remember a little nest with three little blue eggs inside built onto a fence underneath the housing. I mentioned previously everything was built high above ground. Well a couple of older girls showed me this nest and talked about how the eggs would become babies. They left and I knocked down the nest and stomped on the eggs. I did not know why I did that when I did, now I understand it was a sign of the emotional distress I was feeling. Kids do not communicate well by talking but by actions instead. I still feel bad for that even today.


I feel okay today. I am doing my best at keeping food down but feel disgusting still. The only reason I am able to do this is because I am eating meats and veggies. I REALLY REALLY hope to hear from the college today. When I was blogging yesterday morning I didn’t actually realize how close school was till I looked at my calendar, thus causing me to feel a shot of anxiety, in turn causing my emotions to become off balance. I dealt with an almost panic attack for a good hour. I have given examples of how my mind works when anxious so that was mixed in with depression as well from feeling no hope for my future since my high school transcript hasn’t been received yet. My daughters mom talked me through it the best she could. My anxiety doesn’t last as long now since I don’t continuously hide it. I am not as tense as I used to be when I kept all my emotions inside. They are a bit dramatic when being expressed but I get over them faster so that is a plus. If my blog yesterday seemed cut short that is why. Today should be a fun day at work (not) but I will do my best and try not to get too annoyed. I am ready for the weekend. Well Happy Monday everyone, and as always, be good to yourself.

Mind-clip

The sky was overcast, a breeze blew the salty air up her nostrils. She sighed as she walked to the playground. There were no roads in this village, just dirt and gravel between run down homes surrounded by tundra and in the distance lied the ocean. In the winter the river that separated one half of the village from the other would freeze so it could be walked across rather than having to take a dirt road a ways ahead. The little three year old lived in the teachers housing next to the school, the playground was around a school building so she did not have far to walk. As she was walking she noticed kids running across the frozen river. There were three girls running from two older boys. She thought they were playing so she wanted to play too. All the houses were built high above ground because of spring flooding and the girls climbed up some 2×4’s to get up to a space underneath a homes porch. The little girl was not strong enough to climb up so the girls told the boys they could have the little girl instead. She was easier access anyways. So the boys took the girl to a school porch and once again did as animals do. They only stopped once when they heard someone driving up on a four-wheeler, when they saw it was the girls from before they all, both girls and boys, started laughing.The little girl did not understand why so she laughed too. The boys never did threaten her not to tell, they of course said not to but were nice about it. So she never said anything, after all there was a lot going on in her family as it was.


The villages in Alaska at the time were like a third world country stuck on the edge of a first world country. I am not sure how they are now since I do not keep up a lot with them. I do know there are still strings of suicides. I know the older man who molested me repeatedly has had three (possibly four?) kids grow up to kill themselves. When I was about 11 years old we lived on the Aleautian Islands, so no where near the village where much of the sexual abuse happened. One day his wife called my mom. She asked how I was doing and said she wanted to say hi. I never did talk to her but my mom and her seemed to have a chatty happy conversation. I am thinking she called because she knew what happened. She never did tell my mom and my mom hung up the phone thinking it was just a nice check in of an old friend. I knew better but why say anything at that point.


I love the taste of fresh brewed coffee on Sunday mornings. Yesterday was really relaxing at the lake. I went on a pontoon for the first time. I get really bad motion sickness but did not feel sick at all on it. I rememeber as a kid I drank coke and ate some seaweed before going onto a fishing boat and barfed badly. I have always had motion sickness but it seems to get worst as I age. I feel good about this coming week in terms of my b/p as long as everything goes according to plan. I am going to Costco today to buy some eggs, salmon, and veggies if they are a good deal. I slept in till 9 this morning and Bailey just woke up not too long ago at 10:35. He had a great time yesterday and had fresh air pretty much all day. The cats have been running around since 6 this morning and Pip is being a fish. Well, my coffee cup is empty and Bailey needs to go potty so I guess I will get the day started. Have a good start to the week everyone

20180805_110837

Sorry for a delayed picture, but I thought I would include a picture of Bailey and I yesterday.

Enjoy Your Saturday

This is my 20th day of opening up to the world and sometimes I feel more alone than ever. I have become naked and vulnerable and still feel hopeless anyone will ever truly understand me.


A friend/follower asked me yesterday if I ever held my past against my parents. The truth is that I did for many years and it wasn’t until the past couple years that I have forgiven them. Its exhausting to hold onto that much negativity. I do still have bad flashbacks that kick me down for a day or so where I have a hard time functioning, these are days I want to spew the worst insults at my parents. These feelings are the same as any other emotional extreme and the most I can do is wait them out. Side effects of trauma are a bitch and I will always have them, the best way I have learned how to deal is by acceptance.


I never wanted any of my family to know what happened. I was a sophmore when my x-sister in law found my diary. Her and my brother were fighting at the time so I am pretty sure she went snooping around my room. When eyes would be on her about something (like sleeping around) she would find something that would take them off. I kept my diary hidden fairly well, it was matched up with other books on my bookshelf. Well it was found and read (by accident of course *sarcasm*) and once again another part of me forefully stripped away. I never did write a personal journal again, to me it proved not even so called family could respect privacy. She is also the one who helped my birthfamily find me. I never did want to find them and even though my birth sister is a friend on facebook I still do not have much to do with her. I always had the option of looking up my birth records but in order to do that my birth mother would have had to been notified. I understand the need to see a daughter whom is given up and I didn’t want her to feel the pain of knowing I knew who she was and not wanting to meet. I still have not met her and honestly not sure if I will, but once again, it was a choice that was taken from me.


I am learning the hard way keep your friends small and close. A lady whom I thought I had a pretty good relationship with has reminded me that even 40 year olds can act like highschool girls. I wish people would own up to their shit. The lady whom was supposed to come visit for my birthday who said she had a family emergency ended up spending a birthday with someone else (in the same city I live in which is two hours away from where she lives). She has not talked to me since than. I don’t really put up with crap like that so I am just saying oh well. I have my daughter and her parents and honestly that is probably all I need. Of course I have the boys also whom take up more than enough of my time.


I am not sure I really made a point with this blog, I feel decent today. I am headed to the lake. I am hoping we grill. I want like salad and steak or something. Also, I know I have mentioned Mr. Cooper, Fat Louie, and Bailey, but I also have a fish named Pip. He downgraded to a smaller home yesterday, a five gallon rather than ten. He is in his older ages now so its only appropriate. He has new rocks and plants and a smaller filter that isnt so strong, and he also has a light. Well have a good Saturday everyone. Sorry there was not too much insight of me in this blog, I wanted something light for a day. It is Saturday and I had a long hard week.

pip

Inside My Head

I feel like every move I make needs to be calculated, as if the smallest mistake can bring down any sort of progress I have made. I have only been able to obtain so much of a good thing before I ruin it. The saying two steps forward one step back has always been more two steps forward three steps back and maybe a few weird hiccups where I actually am able to walk a bit further, but then end up falling off a cliff because I am not watching where I am going.


I can feel when I have a manic episode creeping in and do my best to bring myself to reality without getting depressed. A good example is when I went to see Mama Mia 2 the other day, I felt this weird sense of greatness and indestructibility. I had this feeling that I could just pack up and travel and be famous and rich. I get such a high when I feel this way. Then I thought of my dog and felt resentment and stupidity for getting a dog and cats when I could have had all the freedom in the world. I thought about how my voice is not that great anymore because of b/p and I cannot dance well because of the arthritis. I started feeling ugly and old and started pointing out all the disgusting qualities I see about myself. I  could feel my mood drastically falling into a hard depression, all this happened within probably 20 minutes. I ended up calming myself  by thinking of what all I could do well and reassured myself that I will be going to college so I can feel worth something. Moments like these leave me exhausted.


I have always been a pessimist realist, but I think that’s because whenever I have been optimistic and goal oriented it has normally been a side effect of mania.  


I have been misunderstood for as far back as I can remember…so a year old? (normal for kids when they cannot talk yet) I am not as stupid as everyone has always assumed me to be. I have made a lot of mistakes, but as I have mentioned before, many of my mistakes have been from not accepting my childhood and feeling that false need to fit in somewhere. Unfortunately some people will only see the worst. I talked to my dad to tell him about trying college again, his first response was to say I better continue to pay them back since I owe them money from the past. I have never gotten any sort of mental support from my parents, unless of course in involved therapy or pills. It sucked when when I was excited about something as a kid and could not contain all my emotions (because honestly if I did I would probably be screaming and telling my parents everything that was happening) and my moms response was always asking if I took my meds. I know because of this I ended up feeling all emotions were bad to express and that even feeling happy was wrong. I normally did take my meds even though they kept me in a hard fog or made me feel so sick I would vomit.

As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut for the longest time, my dad’s response was I wasn’t good at math. Ironically I love math now. I than wanted to be an gymnast, as does every girl who watches the Olympics. I was told they trained from a very young age and I was too old (I was eight, not saying this wasn’t true but let a kid dream). I wanted to be a singer and artist at one point because I used to be really good at the art scene but I just had to be reminded of starving artists. This would not have been so bad if I didn’t continuously hear how smart and beautiful my sister was and how she could do anything she wanted.My artistic talent is long gone now. I honestly do not know what I am good at except probably opening my legs up, because hey, we all know I have been taught well in that area.

So here I am, 28 years old and still as fucked up as ever inside my head and still very misunderstood and lonely. This is not a broken mind I wish on anyone. I have read studies that show trauma can cause brain damage. If it has for me, I also question how much damage was caused by giving me pill after pill growing up. I have had tests done in my adulthood where there are no signs of ADHD or ADD. I also doubt many of the pills were as regulated back than as they are now. I will not take medication again because of this. I barely take OTC pain relievers. I have been on a few antidepressants in my adulthood however, they temporarily helped but holy shit if the mania hit it hit hard. I am not saying that people cannot benefit from medication, after all my dad has. He is a Vietnam vet who has always suffered tremendously with PTSD and the agent orange side effects are rapidly becoming worst which have been mentally just as hard on him. I never saw him smile growing up. In the past five years he has gotten a lot of therapy and that combined with the pills they prescribed him I see him laugh a lot these days. There is a lot of research happening with trauma from war and a lot of progress being made. Studies of childhood trauma I feel still has a long ways to go. We are all products of the past. I understand why I am the way I am.


Physically

I still feel sore from running but I went on a nice walk this morning with Bailey. I do not feel too bloated even though I did b/p yesterday, it was fairly minor however. I slept throughout the night but I still feel tired. I have been forgetting to take my vitamins so I need to keep on that. I brush my teeth twice a day and floss every night. They feel pretty good these days. I have my root canal scheduled for September 6th, although that tooth does not bother me too badly if I do not eat on that side. The dentist did say once it starts hurting it will hurt bad so that is why I need to have that one done first…I will take his word.

Mentally

I am okay, just waiting for everything to hopefully work out with school. I want to be excited but I do not want to get my hopes up either. I am trying to be nice to myself internally. I just need to keep myself focused on the moment.


Tonight is Baileys meet-up with his buddies. I have yet to go to one of the get togethers for adults on Thursdays, I may end up going tomorrow. If I go depends on how the day goes and how I feel after talking with the guidance counselor tomorrow at lunch. I called NDSU and then NDSCS to tell them about my college situation so will go in and talk directly with someone, I prefer face to face anyways. I am hopeful it will all work out. Today is going to be a really sucky day work wise. I honestly am not sure how I have made it this far without a drink.


Have a good day, the week is halfway over and as always, be good to yourself.

%d bloggers like this: