college

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

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Just Living

Oh meh gosh peeps, I read so much last night. I am trying to start this school year out as strong as I can. Once I feel like I am ahead than I can fully make a schedule that will work with work, hockey, and seeing my daughter and her parents. I am trying to keep Saturdays as open as possible for just the four of us.I am excited. I think I am getting ahead in school. What better time to get ahead than the first week of school when there is nothing really due?


Eating Wise

My eating has been pretty easy going. Haven’t b/p in ten days now. It’s fairly easy to keep nutritious foods down. I don’t really feel hungry much and when I do I eat till I am full and satisfied. I am not sure how this will be once I start incorporating fruits. I try to keep myself on the edge of keto so reintroducing carbs won’t be too extreme. I am looking at this as more of a jumpstart for my digestive system. I made a home made chicken soup last night and boiled the veggies to where they were nice and soft, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. Once my digestive system is working well I will probably start eating a little bit of fruit and start incorporating some greek yogurt and maybe steel cut oats with flax. It will be a gradual thing. I know obviously I can’t eat low carb forever. I feel real good though about my eating.


Drinking Wise

I had a Truly last night. I originally poured a glass of wine to relax but ended up pouring it out because I didn’t feel like having it. The Truly was nice to just relax a little without becoming bloated. Honestly tea works better for sleep so school nights thats probably what I will have from here on. I made sure to have it after I read a crap load in my classes though, you know…responsibilities first.


I doodled while listening to a lecture last night. I just let my hand do the drawing while I took in what the instructor was saying. It’s a form of drawing I suppose but I think it helped me concentrate more to what was being said.


HOCKEY TODAY! I need to enjoy the free time I have to the fullest because I don’t have much of it. I will probably get off early so I can donate plasma. I actually have cash on me for the game so this is just extra. Its amazing how much money I have been saving by not b/p. I would say in the past ten days I have saved myself over a hundred dollars EASILY. Also, there is not that false need to drink. I am making sure to take my probiotics and vitamins and am drinking adequate water. If I keep this up it really wont take much to build a savings. There is no urge to purge though even when I am full. I still have yet to really take a shit in a few days now though but I don’t feel constipated so who knows whats going on there.


I feel kind of boring these days. I feel way too normal, like I am just an average ole person working and going to school. I don’t feel stuck but I just feel bleh. Like obviously my past is the past but it defined me for so long and now I am on my way to make a better future for myself. Life is just steady and uneventful which is okay, it’s just weird. After the “Life comes in 3’s” postings it felt like an end of a chapter in my life. I almost see my past as very boring. Since that chapter ended a few months ago, I worked hard and pulled myself up the rest of the way I needed to go to get where I am at and now, life is just average. I am not so stressed these days and my heart does not hurt anymore. The low moods are only temporary if I have them. Now I have to be normal and decide what career path I really want to take, I honestly feel like I have so many doors open when it comes to my education and success. I feel my mind changing. Maybe I can even go in Biology and be a scientist here LOL. Nah..I don’t think I would enjoy that. Well, I had better get to work, have a great day peeps and remember, just because you are on the streets does not mean there is no hope, even if it seems like that. Just keep on fighting.

Finally! Back to School!

08Jan2019

I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.


I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.


Eating Habits

My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.


TODAY!



Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!


Drinking Wise

There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.


Eating Wise

Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional  cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.


I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.

I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.


I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.


My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.


I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!


I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.


Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!

snapchat-262258712

Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.

Cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.


Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.

Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.

Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.

Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.

Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.

Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.

Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.

Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.

Cliche#9:  I will try my best to find good in any day

Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.

So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.


2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety

So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.


Dating Wise

Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.


Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!

Keep Your Head Up

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”

I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.


Eating/Drinking

Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p.  I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.


School

I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!


Work

I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.


One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.


Side Thought

I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.


Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.

Beautiful Day

“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

How much have I let my past control my life? All the parties, sex, money spending, cutting, developing my eating disorder, for 28 years I let my childhood control who I became and from then on it controlled how I responded to stress and anxiety. My daughter saved my life but I do not know when the fight to survive really came. For the longest time it was surviving for her but now I am surviving for myself.

I cut my hair yesterday. It held too much negative energy from this past year. I see it as letting go. I feel so much weight taken off.

I believe hair does contain energy in a way, not exactly magical. But hair is pretty much dead cells from our bodies. If our bodies have stress and we don’t take care of ourselves, our hair reflects that. So now that I have built myself up extremely it was time to cut my hair and let the year go.


Eating/Drinking

These always go hand in hand it seems like. I keep food down in the morning but by noon I feel a need to B/P for no real reason other than habit. I am trying to incorporate a variety of fruits into my diet since I am sure my electrolytes are off balance a lot. I do not want my body to be craving a nutrient and that be a reason why I B/P. Pineapple is so good. I think a weakness probably comes from lack of sleep as well. My sleeping is off balance. I am trying to get it back on track but its hard when I am not exactly sure when it has ever been a healthy amount. I sleep when I get sick otherwise I work all day, do homework, and than relax with wine way too late. I just need to tell myself to go to bed. I suppose that is part of the self control I need to develop more. I feel my bad habits trying desperately to hold on but I am pulling away easier day by day.

“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”


I am still trying to be optimistic about my finances. It will all be okay. Currency is funny but a great way to control a population. I feel my mind trying to break free as if its been molded to think certain ways to fit in with society. I feel like my eyes are seeing more then they used to.


I should get to work eventually. I also need to write my speech today also. Ugh, always procrastinating. Well, have a great day everyone!

 

Cute

Also….How cute are the boys?

Optimism

“You only fail when you stop trying”

“Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of each step you take toward reaching that goal.”

This was quoted by our Vice President. It is a little inspiring when trying to achieve excellence and to better oneself.. Our company is doing extremely well and growing very fast so its unlimited overtime right now. I am happy to be a part of this company, its nice to have a job I can take pride in and not always have to be waiting to deal with management. Management is very respectful here. I am lucky to have a job that I enjoy and am proud of but I do not have my life centered around it. I think too many people look for fulfillment in work and forget about living their life as a whole.


I am trying to be optimistic about finances. I do not think we will be getting a Christmas bonus at work and I was sort of really hoping on that for getting ahead. I am not too terribly in the hole, I just won’t get where I wanted to be. I just need to keep on pushing, I know I will make it to where I want to be financially eventually. I signed up to be a human guinea pig for a study. Since no one has taken my previous shitty apartment, our company won’t be giving out a Christmas bonus, and I wont be getting as much back from my college dispersement as I was hoping, finances just became a bit more difficult.


Funny side story of how my mind works. I went out to eat with my daughters mom tonight. It was a tavern neither of us had ever tried before. I briefly looked at the menu online and thought it looked good, the typical foods of pizza, burgers, salads, and pasta. Well, when we got there it seemed a bit loud, after all, it was a tavern. It was very pretty but took about 20 minutes for us to get sat since its new and popular. Well, everything was going okay until I looked at the menu. I am already a very indecisive person but the menu was mostly BYO. It had BYO pizza, BYO salads, and  BYO burgers. There were tons of choices for each section as well. The table had slips to fill out for the BYO.  It took me quite a while to look through the menu so I decided I would just build my own burger, safe and cheap. I thought about the pizza but there was no size so I didn’t know how good of a deal I was getting and I didn’t know how well the salad was chopped up. I chose a burger, bun, cheese, lettuce leaf, tomatoes, pickles, and then I got to the onions. There were raw onions or caramelized onions. If I chose caramelized onions than I would be better off choosing the shredded lettuce instead and using a special sauce but then it would taste weird with the tomatoes and pickles. If I took those off then I would want a pretzel bun rather than a croissant bun. I would also than need to change the cheese. But than if I chose the raw onions than I would literally be paying 13$ for a regular cheeseburger. BUT THEN I saw onion strings and if I chose onion strings then I would want bacon and the special bbq sauce but then would need to change the cheese again and add coleslaw. But if I did that then I should change it from a hamburger patty to a crispy chicken patty. All of a sudden my mind couldn’t think straight and the room started getting really loud and I got really cold and lightheaded and felt like crying because of the stupid onions. I then started thinking about the time and how I was feeling so rushed because my daughter would need to be going to bed in a couple hours and it would take me an hour to just choose my toppings. I ended up calming down and getting a burger that was already on the menu, it was very good. I ordered onion rings and those were amazing. I ended up having a couple beers while having a great time.


I still have one last speech to do tomorrow, a persuasive speech. I have yet to choose a topic. I am so bad at deciding on things yet I hate rules. I guess I should get started on that…(I will probably watch tv). Well, have a good night everyone. I will try to write more tomorrow. Be good to yourself and strive for excellence. Goodnight!

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