Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it.
Life in General
It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.
I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.
Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.
I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.
Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.
All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?
Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.
If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?
All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀
It’s been a long month. I think life is finally settling down.
So biggest thing that happened was I moved and I absolutely love my new apartment. It was a very much needed move. I felt myself losing grasp and hope that I could never get out of that shithole so I took the leap. Right when I walked into this apartment (I had toured a few) I knew it was the one. I moved in on the 10th I believe and have been sleeping in the dark ever since. Bailey is starting to fatten up and his anxiety has gone down so much and he is growing back bald patches of fur. The cats will lay on the windowsill and purr for no reason. I have yet to have someone take over my other lease. I have 2 months free for this apartment so will pay December and January for the other apartment. If no one takes over the lease by the end of January then when I get my loan dispersement from college I will use that to pay out the remainder of the lease. It ends end of April. I think it is prorated at 60 percent. We will see, I just needed out of that building. I felt like garbage living there. This apartment does cost quite a bit more but I will do a human study in January hopefully and than will use that to spread out over the lease so its cheaper per month.
I have my own laundry room also, never have to share laundry again. I am excited to use the balcony this summer, the sunsets are amazing and I have such a good view of traffic. Its a top floor corner apartment. I found a home.
Well, I finally had enough of my partner and completely told her off last week. It was amazing. So we all know I have been having problems with her for awhile because she’s ugly inside and out. I went to my boss’s manager and HR to make an official complaint because she has been getting worst. I wrote up about three pages of shit she’s done and said about me and how nasty I have seen her towards other people when management or “popular” people aren’t around. From what I understand from others, there are managers keeping tabs on her. My boss is now hiring for another shipping partner for me (I NEED ONE! WE HAVE PICKED UP LIKE CRAZY!) as well as another packaging person. I am thinking what the plan is is to give her another packaging partner to train and if need be they can let her go. Right now she is the only one who knows packaging well, I somewhat know it but it would really hurt if I had to do it all myself, plus theres protocols and I would need a partner to be verifying all my files. So right now she loves to act like she’s invincible but eventually she won’t be. I am no where near the only one who is having problems with her, but I started a pretty decent complaint process so we will see what happens.
Anyways, I told her off pretty hard, yelling and pointing my finger at her because I honestly just got tired of her shit. I have been feeling great ever since. She still annoys the fuck out of me but she is rarely near me. She is also very nice to me now, although I know its all fake and she’s still talking shit, but she’s an old hag who eats everything in site….soooo… Who cares? Soon, I will not deal with her because once I get a partner she is OUT of my office and I will have NOTHING to do with her other than receiving shipments. A friend of mine from the Post Office applied to be my partner…I am really crossing my fingers she gets it. She’s a really hard worker and very sweet.
Eating Wise/ Drinking wise
It was pretty rough there for a while with the binging and purging. I never felt like I was getting a break from stress between home, personal, and work life. I was always feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any minute. I felt it really effecting my heart and mind. Of course I used the drinking to combat that. Pretty sure that was a double edged sword to do but theres a place I have to get to to get the strength and courage to leap. Pretty much I figured either I would slowly kill myself or I needed to change everything that was wrong. Now that life is falling into place I am trying to eat better. My drinking tolerance is starting to go down I feel. I am keeping food down more. I think I just need to eat a small amount of food at a time. I had 2 eggs with peppers and onions cooked in coconut oil for breakfast and I feel good. I have been trying to drink more water also. I kind of want to take a month off from drinking again. I am trying to remember to take fish oil for my heart and a vitamin. I’ve started taking my probiotic again also. We will see how this goes.
Hmm..well, I think I am ready to start dating again. I have never really had a healthy relationship though so I will be cautious. I will be having coffee with a guy who works with the lady who runs the dog meetups. I am excited to meet him as we have only had contact over the phone. If nothing comes of it well than at least I will probably have a friend. If something does happen great. I am not desperate. He is fairly successful and has a really good career. He loves to travel and is active outdoors. He only drinks socially and loves animals. He seems like someone worth having at least coffee with.
Bailey and I will be attending a pup meetup this Sunday so I am excited for that. He has been going to daycare 1-2 times weekly. The girls who run it have told me he is becoming so much more open and plays with others a lot. I am hoping to see this in action since some of the pups are familiar with each other. He seems to be a lot happier. I like that he is not so scrawny anymore.
Well, in a nutshell that has been what has been going on. Next week is the last week of school and I am so excited for the semester to be over. Its been a rough year lol. I am excited for the year to be over honestly. I have decorated a little for Christmas, its been rough since this is the first year without my grandma. She died December 11th last year. There is a nice lady who will be giving me some more decorations since money is tight. I am trying little by little to be happy.
Well, I should probably get to work. Have a good day everyone!
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.
It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.
The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.
There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.
I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.
At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.
I am starting to think these feelings are permanent. I feel myself building walls and pulling away. I don’t like feeling anxious and sad. It was my own fault for trying. I have only ever been wanted to the extent of a fuck or too late and told sorry, normally still after a fuck ironically. Although if that’s the only time I am touchable than what happens when I no longer let anyone? I suppose I am just alone as always. I am not sure how much longer I have here. I am stuck any way I turn these days. I feel like life will again one day make the pure happiness a taste and that whisk it all away. There are no longer paths, not even one. All I feel is an end, to what, I don’t know. I just don’t feel or sense anything ahead and for me, that is off.
Days seem to pass by so fast these days. Between work and school I feel like everyday is a blur. The air is bitter these days and the wind is even colder. The blankets are warm and the wine suits the mood. Rosemary’s Baby, a favorite of mine is playing. Bailey is on my side sleeping on my tummy and the cats are snoozing away. It is a calm but stressful time. I am just trying to keep my emotions and mind in check. I wouldn’t mind not having emotions I don’t think. Emotions are exhausting and only cause problems.
I have been kind of hungry the past couple days. Tomorrow I can order groceries. I may have broke the bank a little with my new jersey but there are no regrets. I am gladly willing to be hungry a few days for it. Its not near as bad as that one time I went over a week without food….I think ten days? That was my own personal experiment however. So really, a meal a day or so really isn’t problematic. I am still proud of my new jersey, its my very first one I own. I have been racking up a lot of overtime so it will work out.
I didn’t really get a chance to talk to my manager today, it was a busy day and I was really snarky with my partner. I sort of procrastinated on my homework today so will have to do it tomorrow evening. No big deal, it’s all still on time. I am trying not to get stressed out at work but gawd, this lady. I am starting to wonder if I am better off leaving, but I love the company and there are bitches like her everywhere. I am just used to people like her being management.
My eating has been light. I am still eating lower carb. Jimmy Johns actually has really good unwhiches. I will eat well tomorrow evening when I have groceries delivered.
I really do not have much to say tonight. I am just trying to get by the days. The shorter they get the longer they feel. It’s like there is less time in the air…if that makes any sense. Well, everyone have a good night.