My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.
Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?
Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety
Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?
Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.
I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.
I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.
I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%. Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!
Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.
Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.
Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.
Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.
Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.
Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.
Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.
Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.
Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.
Cliche#9: I will try my best to find good in any day
Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.
So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.
2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety
So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.
Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.
Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”
I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.
Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p. I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.
I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!
I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.
One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.
I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.
Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.
It’s been a long month. I think life is finally settling down.
So biggest thing that happened was I moved and I absolutely love my new apartment. It was a very much needed move. I felt myself losing grasp and hope that I could never get out of that shithole so I took the leap. Right when I walked into this apartment (I had toured a few) I knew it was the one. I moved in on the 10th I believe and have been sleeping in the dark ever since. Bailey is starting to fatten up and his anxiety has gone down so much and he is growing back bald patches of fur. The cats will lay on the windowsill and purr for no reason. I have yet to have someone take over my other lease. I have 2 months free for this apartment so will pay December and January for the other apartment. If no one takes over the lease by the end of January then when I get my loan dispersement from college I will use that to pay out the remainder of the lease. It ends end of April. I think it is prorated at 60 percent. We will see, I just needed out of that building. I felt like garbage living there. This apartment does cost quite a bit more but I will do a human study in January hopefully and than will use that to spread out over the lease so its cheaper per month.
I have my own laundry room also, never have to share laundry again. I am excited to use the balcony this summer, the sunsets are amazing and I have such a good view of traffic. Its a top floor corner apartment. I found a home.
Well, I finally had enough of my partner and completely told her off last week. It was amazing. So we all know I have been having problems with her for awhile because she’s ugly inside and out. I went to my boss’s manager and HR to make an official complaint because she has been getting worst. I wrote up about three pages of shit she’s done and said about me and how nasty I have seen her towards other people when management or “popular” people aren’t around. From what I understand from others, there are managers keeping tabs on her. My boss is now hiring for another shipping partner for me (I NEED ONE! WE HAVE PICKED UP LIKE CRAZY!) as well as another packaging person. I am thinking what the plan is is to give her another packaging partner to train and if need be they can let her go. Right now she is the only one who knows packaging well, I somewhat know it but it would really hurt if I had to do it all myself, plus theres protocols and I would need a partner to be verifying all my files. So right now she loves to act like she’s invincible but eventually she won’t be. I am no where near the only one who is having problems with her, but I started a pretty decent complaint process so we will see what happens.
Anyways, I told her off pretty hard, yelling and pointing my finger at her because I honestly just got tired of her shit. I have been feeling great ever since. She still annoys the fuck out of me but she is rarely near me. She is also very nice to me now, although I know its all fake and she’s still talking shit, but she’s an old hag who eats everything in site….soooo… Who cares? Soon, I will not deal with her because once I get a partner she is OUT of my office and I will have NOTHING to do with her other than receiving shipments. A friend of mine from the Post Office applied to be my partner…I am really crossing my fingers she gets it. She’s a really hard worker and very sweet.
Eating Wise/ Drinking wise
It was pretty rough there for a while with the binging and purging. I never felt like I was getting a break from stress between home, personal, and work life. I was always feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any minute. I felt it really effecting my heart and mind. Of course I used the drinking to combat that. Pretty sure that was a double edged sword to do but theres a place I have to get to to get the strength and courage to leap. Pretty much I figured either I would slowly kill myself or I needed to change everything that was wrong. Now that life is falling into place I am trying to eat better. My drinking tolerance is starting to go down I feel. I am keeping food down more. I think I just need to eat a small amount of food at a time. I had 2 eggs with peppers and onions cooked in coconut oil for breakfast and I feel good. I have been trying to drink more water also. I kind of want to take a month off from drinking again. I am trying to remember to take fish oil for my heart and a vitamin. I’ve started taking my probiotic again also. We will see how this goes.
Hmm..well, I think I am ready to start dating again. I have never really had a healthy relationship though so I will be cautious. I will be having coffee with a guy who works with the lady who runs the dog meetups. I am excited to meet him as we have only had contact over the phone. If nothing comes of it well than at least I will probably have a friend. If something does happen great. I am not desperate. He is fairly successful and has a really good career. He loves to travel and is active outdoors. He only drinks socially and loves animals. He seems like someone worth having at least coffee with.
Bailey and I will be attending a pup meetup this Sunday so I am excited for that. He has been going to daycare 1-2 times weekly. The girls who run it have told me he is becoming so much more open and plays with others a lot. I am hoping to see this in action since some of the pups are familiar with each other. He seems to be a lot happier. I like that he is not so scrawny anymore.
Well, in a nutshell that has been what has been going on. Next week is the last week of school and I am so excited for the semester to be over. Its been a rough year lol. I am excited for the year to be over honestly. I have decorated a little for Christmas, its been rough since this is the first year without my grandma. She died December 11th last year. There is a nice lady who will be giving me some more decorations since money is tight. I am trying little by little to be happy.
Well, I should probably get to work. Have a good day everyone!