To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.
I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of two versions of myself. The first is the victim whos every move was a ripple effect of trauma and survival. The second is a future survivor who has beat all odds to become someone great. I feel as if I am in some sort of limbo at the moment.
I have always had trouble coming out of my shell and now I have opened myself up to the world, some may have critiqued, while many I know became followers whom I know hope I succeed. I just am not exactly sure what I hope to succeed on. Blogging has become great therapy for me, it has been a way to get my story out to the world, it also helped me find a lot more about myself. The hypnotherapy sort of sealed areas of me. I know I still have a couple sessions to do in January and I am looking forward to that. I have not had the little girl come out, I do not even feel her because she is a part of me now. I feel full but not tummy wise. It is a feeling in my chest and mind region. I feel like I am becoming whole.
I ate great today and only semi purged once. I stuck to my meats, veggies, and a couple low carb snacks. I feel my tummy working. I always feel better with this way of eating as I have mentioned before. I also drank a lot of water.
What I Did For Myself
I took Bailey for a couple walks today and played fetch with him quite a bit. I still cannot do much in terms of exercise. I hope the doctor can do something tomorrow that will help my finger heal faster. I want to work out. I have noticed since strictly eating veggies and meat my knees feel a lot better. I also a did a ton of laundry today and washed all the boys blankets. I like that I am lucky enough to have non- shedding pets. I enjoyed time with my daughter and her parents. My daughters grandfather is not in the best of health these days so it is nice to try to be there the best I can for her parents.
Well, I have been typing a lot for school work the past few days and I would like to give my finger a break. I do find it very interesting how easy it is to learn to work without a finger. Even with typing my middle finger takes the place of my index finger fairly easily. Either way, this week should be a fairly busy week so I am going to hit the hay. I promise to be good to myself…as I mentioned yesterday, I just have to repeat this to myself ten times a day. I am not sure why ten, it just seemed like a good number.
Enough with the silly stuff now, lets talk serious. “The 100″….seriously the best show I have seen in awhile and its really depriving me of sleep lately. Every night I plan on going to bed at a decent time and every night this show has an OMG ending that I need to start the next episode. So tonight, BED EARLY!
What I Am Doing for Myself
Well, I went to the chiropractor today and honestly feel the best physically than I have in a very long time. I am looking forward to my hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. Coffee is definitely one of my best friends today. I will go to bed at a decent time tonight. I plan on taking Bailey to the park, after all, he has not seen his friends in awhile. Then maybe I will go on a walk with my daughter, evening is up in the air, but exercise is good! Also because exercise is good and my body feels great I joined the gym yesterday at Anytime Fitness, so there is no excuse I can make such as “I hurt too much,” or “I don’t have time” because its LITERALLY open to me anytime. I plan on signing up for the tanning also, because I love the warmth and sun-kissed look my skin gets. All it really takes is one tanning session. I don’t burn so I just go the max. I feel so much better after tanning and my skin becomes so soft. I am taking my vitamins also for the most part. I think I may re-dye my hair also as its been awhile, maybe go black again.
Well, this is a topic I haven’t really gave much info on lately. For awhile there it was at its normal worstness again, however I have been keeping a lot more food down these days, mainly veggies of course. I know my digestive system is working well though because I am literally going number two every day….or more. Normally tiredness and stress would cause me to b/p more, however I am very tired today but have had 3 chicken salads today and feel good. There is no desire to b/p, theres really no desire for any sweets right now. Even when I do b/p lately, theres no gratification from it, and no real need to do it. I feel a lot lighter these days mentally. I feel a lot of the b/p is habit. I know my body can digest food even without probiotics. It’s all just mental. It’s getting easier though. I think getting on a schedule will help me a lot too with everything.
Hmm, this is a weird one because I think this is sorta habit also. I don’t have a need to drink at all and I haven’t been overly drinking. In fact, I have been sticking with the spiked sparkling waters lately. They are low carb, I think the new Smirnoff one is the best. I do not feel so bloated on it or feel like I am drinking syrup. And they are only 4-5 percent alcohol like a normal beer. I do not think I will drink anything tonight. I need to go to bed and get a good nights sleep.
The last three days have been a bit emotional for me, mainly because I feel like I have gotten a lot off my chest. Even when I don’t feel guilt for something, it’s still hard keeping things inside out of fearing the wrath of being judged. It is hard enough being native, I really don’t feel like giving people more of a reason to find faults in me. I live in a very double-standard christian conservative state. I wish people would just get along and be considerate of others. Hate, drama, gossip, anything negative, it gets exhausting. People live on gossip and drama though, otherwise we wouldn’t have the news and social media. Aside from all that though, I feel good and hopeful.
I kind of just wanted to low key my post today. I honestly do not feel like I have much more to tell of my past other than bits and pieces. I am starting to remember some good moments though like with traveling. I let all the negatives overshadow good moments though. I need to work on that. Maybe if all the negative emotions were drained away than what would be left is happiness. Maybe I experienced more emotions that the average folk so if I drained away the bad than I would have a fairly normal amount of happiness. I don’t know, I don’t really exactly know how hypnotherapy works, just the basics I suppose. I am looking forward to see how it works out.
Well peeps, I just finished lunch and have a bit more work to do. Be good to yourselves as I am doing. I will talk to you tomorrow. 🙂
In order for one to be happy, don’t they need happy times? If I cannot think of a single happy moment in my childhood and very few in my teen years and adulthood, than to take the emotion out of everything bad, what is left? Happiness from since my daughter was born? To take the negative emotion out of 26 years, will there be anything left of me?
Sometimes trying to keep a positive attitude and hopeful is exhausting. I do not have it in me to always be happy and optimistic. I’ll give it one last shot with this hypnotherapy, but I do not want to put so much faith into it either. Although it’s exhausting trying over and over again. It’s exhausted to even wake up some days and than to have to put on a smile.
A&P is stressing me out. I hate that I had to take a science class that I will never need. Frick load of money for the class none the less the books and I have to take it merely for the fact that I need a science that can transfer. Generals are a rip off for the most part. I was lucky that I took my math’s and English’s I needed before, otherwise I would be doing those again also. I have to say I have never used algebra or trigonometry since taking the classes.
Deleting the Trigger
So I decided to withdraw from my anatomy class, as clearly it was stressing me out. It has been stressing me out for awhile actually. I enjoy school a lot and I didn’t want to take that class to begin with. I wanted to start out small and steady since I hadn’t been in school for almost five years. So I dropped the lecture and lab. I still am taking my Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Speech like I originally intended. That is okay with me. I do not want my other grades to suffer because I am too stressed with the Anatomy. My original plan was to retake a Biology that I didn’t withdraw from way back when and let fail. I want to retake that in a face to face lecture so I can get a good grade since I know I can get a good grade in that class. I let the orientation lady talk me into being full time even though I knew inside I wasn’t ready for that. I still work full time and am still working on myself obviously. I went a bit nuts a little earlier because I had been dreading the Anatomy test coming up. I feel a lot better now. School is once again fun and I am on the track I feel I should have been on all along.
When I felt I was going crazy earlier I ended up climbing into bed and trying to get to the dream world or whatever it is. I felt I was close. I could feel my body there but my mind was still not concentrating right. I am not sure I should be trying yet, but it is fun regardless. It also calmed me and made me realize what I needed to do about school.
I feel a lot better now. I have adjusted my schedule accordingly with my classes and work now. I am very happy with my decision. If I have triggers than I need to take care of them. I knew that if I kept the load on that I had, than it could cause a worst trigger later on. I am hopeful again, very hopeful. I feel like myself. I feel a lot lighter actually. I have been looking at different gyms to join since my work insurance will reimburse it. My chiropractor felt amazing yesterday and now that I feel my body getting back into place, I feel like I can start working out again. I do not feel like a 50 year old lady, probably more lower thirties now. I am very excited to see how I feel at the end of the week. I am working on my mind and body. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be a whole new me, or at least a lot happier. I still wonder though, what all will be left if there is nothing negative? My daughter and her parents? I can live with that happily. I just don’t know what all happiness there is for the years prior to them. There has been a lot more that I haven’t talked about, not even with my daughters parents whom are closest to me. I imagine a lot of guilt is still there. Not from a personal stance, but because of the judging that comes from others. I suppose I should address some of these in the next few days. If I am going to be draining all the negative emotions, I need to start sooner than later.
Well peeps, I am going to watch tv and chill for a bit. I feel great now actually. Everyone have a good night. Stay safe and be good to yourself. Goodnight.
Hey guys, so here is another video. I enjoy that I can talk to you guys so it feels more personal, however if this is not working for some of you, please let me know. When looking at my stats it seems like it still stays fairly average. I like that vloging gives me more self confidence to express myself and I feel it helping a lot with my speech class. However, if any of you do not like it, please say something.
Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?
Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?