eating disorder

Trotting Along


Well, I think I might be becoming regular. I have been taking a shit every day for the past four days, and there are days its been a lot more then just once. I feel great this morning in terms of my tummy.

I had a really busy weekend. There was hockey Friday night which was a great game and then my parents came into town Saturday and I took them to the Saturday night game. That was a really shitty game, that ref needs to seriously retire. I had a really great time with my parents regardless. When they made it to my place I had BLT’s waiting for them and then we went to this really awesome thrift store. We were there like 2.5 hours but it felt like maybe an hour, its a very cool thrift store. I took them to visit with my daughter and her parents a couple times. My daughters mom made a really yummy egg bake and monkey bread. All in all, a great visit.

Eating Wise

Eating has been great. I try to keep my meals nutritious. This morning I had another Healthy Choice breakfast bowl (too lazy to cook eggs this morning) an apple, and some Greek Gods yogurt. Apples are so good. Fruit is so good. Yogurt is so good. Monkey Bread is so good. I am still letting myself splurge a little at the hockey games. I don’t want to feel like I am depriving myself.

Drinking Wise

Meh, its been whatever. Beers at the game, wine occasionally at home. Its not something I need but something I enjoy. Responsibilities do come first however.


Well, signing up for that extra class kinda make an impact on my finances in terms of being ahead. I will still be completely caught up with everything, buuuut in terms of having a good savings amount, meh, probably not. I hope I don’t have to pay in taxes this year.



TODAY

I ate too many cookies yesterday, they were small though and it wasn’t really a binge, just over enjoyment. I felt sluggish last night though. Having my body work normally again I do need to watch processed sugar intake, or processed foods in general. They aren’t healthy but should be able to be enjoyed periodically but only till satisfied. I am going to start keeping track of my food and weigh it. I did this before but it was more to restrict calories. Now I want to do it so I have a better idea of how much I am eating in a day and also I remember when doing it before I was really surprised how off I was on food proportions. Vegetables I remember I was eating no where near the amount I thought I was. So just for portion control and eating insight, I think I will just create a food diary for a while.


I think I will contact the hypnotherapist today. I think she should be back now from her trip. The last session wasn’t really a “miracle cure” so to say but it definitely helped me let some things go so I could work on myself more. It was like “lets take this burden away so you have more strength.” There are obviously still things I am working on. I know I do still have a lot of anxiety but I also contribute that to school and work as well as life. I do not have near as much anxiety as I used to but I notice my mind will still wander off to the worst things that could happen in life and if I don’t get it away from that path my mood sinks. I am a lot better at controlling it. I still have a lot of phobias I would like to work on. At the same time I don’t because just thinking about insects, holes, and fans creep me out.


My daughter and her mom are sick again. It makes sense since my daughter has been around other kids and her mom just started work after being gone so long. I went to bed by ten last night but still feel groggy this morning. I haven’t been sleeping great so I think tonight I will drink tea tonight before bed.


Well I have a whole 25$ in my savings LOL. Buuut I have also kept it there. I have never been able to keep money in a savings more then a few days.

Regardless, I am so excited for the end of this week because I will be ALL caught up on finances. I wont be ahead like I said before as I was hoping to be…but for the first time ever, I will be sitting great. I think I will eventually try a study and not chicken out. That would really help A LOT. All in all, financially I am doing amazing. It’s really weird to look back at my history…such a hopeless situation and now I am where I am.


Now that my tummy is doing well I know I should go to the gym and get some exercise in. I know I have been saying that for awhile but think my body is finally getting to the point that it will be okay and I am not sick anymore. I think if I get a goods night sleep tonight I will go in the morning…also..theres cloud shit everywhere outside and who wants to go through that to get to a gym?

On a separate related health type thing, I signed up for a free health screening at work. It’s fairly basic, blood pressure, BMI, cholesterol, blood sugar, that type of thing. It’s provided free by the company so I figure why not. I believe this is done by the same outsource company that I went to one time for bulimia recovery.


I haven’t been reading much other than school work lately. Tonight I need to cram a bit. I’ve slugged a little. Its only the beginning of the semester so its all good. I just don’t want to get behind.


bailey

Bailey

Bailey had a really good day at daycare yesterday. He doesn’t even hug me goodbye when I drop him off anymore. He could care less, he just wags his tail and trots away. I am happy he is making friends though and has a good time. It’s so hard to get him out of the house when it’s this cold out.


I feel like my posts these days are just updates that I am doing well and there is really nothing interesting to say. I suppose theres not with being “normal” so to say. School, work, hockey, occasional socializing…very normal. If I do hypnotherapy that should be an interesting one again. Maybe if I decided to reach out to my birthmother? I don’t really care to do that though, I am pretty happy with the mom I have. So I guess for now I am just uninteresting. I am alive and doing well so there is not much more too me.


Work is getting busy so I guess I will head out now. I hope everyone has a great day.

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Too much Detail

11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Just Living

Oh meh gosh peeps, I read so much last night. I am trying to start this school year out as strong as I can. Once I feel like I am ahead than I can fully make a schedule that will work with work, hockey, and seeing my daughter and her parents. I am trying to keep Saturdays as open as possible for just the four of us.I am excited. I think I am getting ahead in school. What better time to get ahead than the first week of school when there is nothing really due?


Eating Wise

My eating has been pretty easy going. Haven’t b/p in ten days now. It’s fairly easy to keep nutritious foods down. I don’t really feel hungry much and when I do I eat till I am full and satisfied. I am not sure how this will be once I start incorporating fruits. I try to keep myself on the edge of keto so reintroducing carbs won’t be too extreme. I am looking at this as more of a jumpstart for my digestive system. I made a home made chicken soup last night and boiled the veggies to where they were nice and soft, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. Once my digestive system is working well I will probably start eating a little bit of fruit and start incorporating some greek yogurt and maybe steel cut oats with flax. It will be a gradual thing. I know obviously I can’t eat low carb forever. I feel real good though about my eating.


Drinking Wise

I had a Truly last night. I originally poured a glass of wine to relax but ended up pouring it out because I didn’t feel like having it. The Truly was nice to just relax a little without becoming bloated. Honestly tea works better for sleep so school nights thats probably what I will have from here on. I made sure to have it after I read a crap load in my classes though, you know…responsibilities first.


I doodled while listening to a lecture last night. I just let my hand do the drawing while I took in what the instructor was saying. It’s a form of drawing I suppose but I think it helped me concentrate more to what was being said.


HOCKEY TODAY! I need to enjoy the free time I have to the fullest because I don’t have much of it. I will probably get off early so I can donate plasma. I actually have cash on me for the game so this is just extra. Its amazing how much money I have been saving by not b/p. I would say in the past ten days I have saved myself over a hundred dollars EASILY. Also, there is not that false need to drink. I am making sure to take my probiotics and vitamins and am drinking adequate water. If I keep this up it really wont take much to build a savings. There is no urge to purge though even when I am full. I still have yet to really take a shit in a few days now though but I don’t feel constipated so who knows whats going on there.


I feel kind of boring these days. I feel way too normal, like I am just an average ole person working and going to school. I don’t feel stuck but I just feel bleh. Like obviously my past is the past but it defined me for so long and now I am on my way to make a better future for myself. Life is just steady and uneventful which is okay, it’s just weird. After the “Life comes in 3’s” postings it felt like an end of a chapter in my life. I almost see my past as very boring. Since that chapter ended a few months ago, I worked hard and pulled myself up the rest of the way I needed to go to get where I am at and now, life is just average. I am not so stressed these days and my heart does not hurt anymore. The low moods are only temporary if I have them. Now I have to be normal and decide what career path I really want to take, I honestly feel like I have so many doors open when it comes to my education and success. I feel my mind changing. Maybe I can even go in Biology and be a scientist here LOL. Nah..I don’t think I would enjoy that. Well, I had better get to work, have a great day peeps and remember, just because you are on the streets does not mean there is no hope, even if it seems like that. Just keep on fighting.

Finally! Back to School!

08Jan2019

I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.


I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.


Eating Habits

My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.


TODAY!



Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!


Drinking Wise

There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.


Eating Wise

Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional¬† cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.


I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.

I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.


I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.


My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.


I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!


I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.


Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!

snapchat-262258712

Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.

High Hopes and Dreams

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”

Yesterday did not go as planned. I worked a 10.5 hr day and by the time I got home a beer sounded refreshing…and it was. I went to bed by 10 since I was exhausted. This was mainly disappointing to me because I told my readers I was staying sober for a month, so into the garbage went the rest of my booze this morning. I won’t hide anything from my readers, I never have and will not start. But here starts my month of sobriety. If I am exhausted by the end of today well then, theres meditation or bed.


” Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there.”

I think when goals seem impossible, if we keep dreaming then we can never fail. Even at my lowest point in life I hung onto the dreams of being happy and stable. I think that is honestly what kept me alive. I do not think anyone truly wants to kill themselves, I think just sometimes those goals and dreams are forgotten. Hopelessness is easy to succumb to the easy fixes. All humans are at fault for giving into the temporary gratification, whether it be through eating, drinking, drugs, shopping, porn, drama, gossip, or anything else that makes one feel a false sense of happiness. Not saying all of these are bad, some are, but also some can be really good if balanced. The problem is we live in a society where it is really hard to balance these things because we are programmed to believe that consuming and materialism bring us happiness. We buy our kids tons of presents for birthdays and holidays, we eat and drink for any special occasion, and we party to congratulate. It is really easy to overlook how much we have. I am going a bit off on this because today our company announced we would all receive a 10% annual salary bonus. This combined with our last bonus this summer would make 18% that our company rewarded us with this year. I had already given up on getting any sort of bonus so this was really nice to wake up to. I am proud to work for a company that even though it has grown to the largest of its kind in the world, us little guys are still remembered and rewarded. I have many coworkers who were almost crying. Sure many of the people here are well off and will never have to worry about money, but there are also those of us that this is exactly what we needed to start the year off strong.


I have been keeping a lot more food down these past few days. I have a feeling this will get easier once I am completely rid of all the alcohol. I think it effects the body system for awhile. It would be nice to not be so constipated however. I am trying to eat more fiber and drink more coffee to help with this.


Well, it is Tuesday and today is looking a lot better than yesterday. I had better get going since my boss just walked in. Everyone have a good day, keep your goals high and keep on trotting! 

Keep Your Head Up

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”

I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.


Eating/Drinking

Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p.¬† I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.


School

I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!


Work

I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.


One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.


Side Thought

I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.


Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.

Changing

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”

It can also be said, don’t let todays mistakes define tomorrow. Yes I purged today, but I did not binge as much. Yes I ate more calories than I should have, but I throughly enjoyed my smoothie and kept it down. I know I am gaining weight, but as a friend told me, I am looking more like a woman than a girl. I need to start learning to enjoy life more, because even though I do not believe this life is all there is, it very well could be. We could all be dead tomorrow, do I really want my bad habits to be all that my life has been about?

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