To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.
Hey guys, so here is another video. I enjoy that I can talk to you guys so it feels more personal, however if this is not working for some of you, please let me know. When looking at my stats it seems like it still stays fairly average. I like that vloging gives me more self confidence to express myself and I feel it helping a lot with my speech class. However, if any of you do not like it, please say something.
Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?
Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?
I have a deathly fear of insects. I have not always been this way. In fact I recall when I was seven and not being afraid at all. I was playing outside our camper one day (we had no home at this time so had to stay in a camper while my parents looked for a place to stay). One day I saw one of the “neighbors” outside in her garden (just a little one, she lived in a trailer also and had been there awhile) so I went to go say hi. She had a strange look on her face of fear so I asked what was wrong and she pointed towards her tomatoes. I looked down and there was a striped spider in a web on her tomatoes. Since she was afraid I said I would take it out and as I was about to she grabbed me and said it was a poisonous spider and to never touch it. I do not think I even understood what poisonous was at the time, just that it really scared her. Later on, we had found a house to rent. My toys were kept in the basement and I was playing one day with my barbies. I remember I felt something weird and looked down and there was a big striped spider crawling up me, it was close enough I could see all it’s eyes. I ran up the stairs screaming for my dad, he could not find it but I never went down to the basement alone again. I know my fear is completely environmental, whether or not there was a pinpoint of when it started I do not know. I recall also my brothers leaving me outside with bees after telling me they would sting me. Either way, my phobia has only become worst over the years.
I have a weird fear of fans. This is something that I have had since before my parents and I can remember. It is not every fan, more specifically bathroom fans I am able to see. The ones that freak me out the most are when they are the metal ones. However my parents and I can remember me being so afraid of using the bathroom in the camper because of the little white fan on the vent. I am somewhat okay with the camper fans as long as I do not look at them, they make me uneasy but that is about it. However if there is a fan in a bathroom I can see such as a gas station or old bathroom in a restaurant or store, I will have full blown anxiety. There is a humorous story with this phobia. One time when I was living in Bismarck my sister and mom came to visit me. We decided to go thrift shopping (because honestly thrift shopping is awesome!). Well one of the stores we went to was in an older building and I ended up having to use the bathroom. When I went to the restrooms I looked up and there was the most uncomfortable fan in a really tall ceiling. I felt my anxiety jump but figured I would go to the next one. There was a fan in this bathroom as well, however this ceiling was not as high but it caused my anxiety to jump a little more. I told my mom and sister I would wait, but then I really had to go. So my mom told my sister to come in with me. It took me forever to go in the bathroom, the fan was running which made everything worst. When my sister and I both got in she slowly shut the door, I wouldn’t let her close it fast. All of a sudden the lights shut off ( I am deathly afraid darkness) so I screamed my lungs out and flew out the door, luckily it was unlocked still. I remember I couldn’t breath and I felt very hot and lightheaded. I looked at my sister and she had the weirdest look of concern and humor on her face….and also a bit of “what the fuck just happened.” With all good intentions she had turned the light switch off thinking it would turn the fan off, instead it turned the lights and fan both off. I hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes, maybe more. I remember people were looking at me weird. I ended up going to the McDonalds across the street to use the bathroom. I do not know where this fear came from. I have asked my parents if anything has ever happened to me involving a fan but they cannot think of anything.
Another fear I have is of the dark. I feel this is a fairly normal fear as throughout history man has created fire for light at night. I do sleep in the dark but I always need to have some sort of light source on in the kitchen I can walk to. If I am going into a dark room I have to close my eyes. I have had many nightmares of being stuck in the dark. Red lights in the dark creep me out even more.
Any of these fears can cause me to feel like a kid again. I feel as defenseless as a scared little child. I can feel my moods change when this happens and my mind feels trapped. I know this is the BPD. I know that since I started experiencing a lot of abuse at a very young age my mind is still chemically imbalanced and is maturing at a slower rate when it comes handling fear, if at all. I do not know if this will ever change.