goals

Trying to Explain Myself

My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before  the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.


Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?


Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety

Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?


Eating Wise

Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.


I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.


I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.


I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%.  Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!

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All Over

Well, its a new day, the sun is shining and its actually above zero this morning. There were a couple hiccups with my rental agency due to misinformation but I have that squared away. I just had to switch around dates for bills. I am being optimistic and not freaking out over the smallest inconvenience.


Day 3 of Month of Sobriety

Sooo…maybe there are a few withdrawal sides I am experiencing. Yesterday I spent the day feeling weird. I drank a lot of water but I had an ache gross feeling a lot of the day. Its like I had a weird pressure in my head and neck. I am not sure this can all be contributed to keeping food down. I am thinking maybe I was just detoxing my body with all the water I was drinking. I had my night time tea and even though it knocked me out fairly quickly I still woke up quite a few times sweaty. So, I am thinking my sleep patterns are fairly off, which makes sense because I am used to staying up till midnight or later playing video games. My head is fairly full this morning so I am downing the liquids again. I had a hot cup of green tea right away because I have read this is good for detoxing. I don’t really have any shakes or anything, so maybe this is all my body doing a normal detox. I need to get myself straight before school starts next week, at least have some sort of self control.


Eating Wise

Well, I have been sticking to my meat and veggies, not a lot of cheese since I have realized by body doesn’t digest it the best without eating a crap load of veggies first. I haven’t taken a shit in a couple days now so I took another probiotic this morning and had a cup of smooth move tea. Tomorrow is payday so I can buy some more veggies with a higher fiber content.


Bailey had one of his meet-ups last night, he hasn’t been going to daycare lately so I need to start that back up. I like him to socialize some, and at the meet-ups I can awkwardly socialize since I have trouble socializing on demand. He will be going to daycare tomorrow and is having his first Spa Day on Monday!


I went to bed fairly early last night, before 9 but stayed up awhile reading while drinking my night time tea. I am reading The Outsider right now, it seems to be starting out slow. It is a little frustrating that my reading skill suck because I used to really enjoy reading. I will probably go to bed early again tonight since tomorrow is hockey. Maybe this weekend I will even get to the gym. It honestly all depends on how my tummy is doing. Monday school starts back up. I am excited for that.


So todays blog has been fairly all over the place since I have written it throughout the day. My tummy is very full, maybe a little too full, so I am going to make some tea and read. I went another day without purging, however, there may have been a little binge, but on salad and chicken. I am getting there. Good night my peeps.

 

Cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.


Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.

Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.

Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.

Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.

Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.

Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.

Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.

Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.

Cliche#9:  I will try my best to find good in any day

Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.

So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.


2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety

So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.


Dating Wise

Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.


Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!

Keep Your Head Up

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”

I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.


Eating/Drinking

Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p.  I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.


School

I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!


Work

I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.


One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.


Side Thought

I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.


Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.

Hiya Peeps!

Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it. 


Life in General

It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.

I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.

Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.

I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.

Cookies


Eating/ Drinking

Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.

Breakfast

All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?


Bailey

Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.

B2

If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?


All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀

Im Okay

To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,

Crossroads

I should probably make a clear explanation of where all my anxiety is coming from. I feel trapped as we all know. Work wise, I can’t stand my coworker, even when she is having a good day. Honestly, the nicer she is to me the more I know she is talking shit about me. Not that it overly bothers me about that, it’s just she carries so much negativity, I can literally sense her coming. With how stressful of a person she is I would think her life expectancy should be shorter…but here she is. Another area of stress is school. Not that any of my classes are overly hard this semester since I gave myself a load with breathing room, but balancing it with work and than thinking about the future. I am running out of classes to take online for my degree. The classes that are needed on campus will not work with school. I would think there would be more evening classes given at the university but none that would work with my schedule. Classes that are required are during our busiest days and/or times. I see three options at the moment:

  1. I could switch my degree plan and major in something different. What that would be I do not know, I enjoy learning about the mind. Is it worth switching my degree for a workplace where I am mentally stressed by the time I get home because of such a nasty coworker?
  2. I could find a different job, one that is flexible and will work with my school schedule. However, most anything flexible is some bullshit customer service type job, and as much as I like learning about the mind, I don’t do well with stupidity. But if my partner here makes me hate this job so much and dread coming to work, is it worth it? My manager doesn’t do anything and in all honestly I feel he may be afraid of her like everyone else. I would have to look for something that pays around the same wage since I don’t want to stress about being short on money. I want to comfortably still pay bills and have food and buy my pets what they need, plus other basic necessities. This will also entail possibly not being able to move out of my current apartments. I can move because by the time I am ready to switch jobs I would already have a new lease signed somewhere, but than I will really need a minimum amount of income I can make, which I am not sure how many there are here that pay me what I get currently. I could care less about retirement and whatnot, just insurance. I don’t want that to cost hundreds a month either.
  3. I can stay at my job and leave school after the next semester. After all, I have great benefits and good pay. It is safe. Maybe less stress too because there will be no school work. But than will I be happy? Or would I feel like I just stayed where I was comfortable and always look back and wonder “what if”? What about people I could have helped? Could I have made a difference in someones life who needed me and ended up not having the help they needed? Mental health units are very overcrowded and not enough therapists. But than with that comes the question, who do I want to help? Where do I want to make a difference at?

I feel like there is something I am missing that is right in front of me.


A friend of mine as well as a follower have suggested finding some sort of spiritual center. I do not believe in god but I do believe in the spiritual world. I believe that if god exists than he is honestly bigger than the human mind can comprehend. There always has to be someone bigger. I have really been getting into the book I mentioned before, the one that a follower sent me. I feel like there isn’t much time to meditate or study anything more than I am, I should try though.


Eating Wise

Eggs, bacon, and coffee for breakfast. This always seems to cheer up my moods in the morning. I love taking my Biotin, it’s a nice little sweetness for my morning. I am in such a good mood often when I wake up…it’s when I get to work than I start feeling anxious. I have another coworker who does verifying for us who says he dreads coming to the shipping room because he doesn’t know how my partner will be. Maybe I do need to leave eventually. Today is payday, I plan on having a nice chicken bacon salad for lunch. I need to get to Costco today also, I haven’t gone grocery shopping like I have wanted lately so I will today.


Drinking Wise

Not much has changed from last night, I drink a lot of water and coffee. I am really getting back into my tea’s. I am thinking of buying some bubbles tonight though and taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. It all depends on how much homework I get done. I want to deep clean some too because it will be a warm enough weekend I can open my windows and let some fresh air in.


My daughters mom and I are very much alike. Normally it’s a very good thing, we get along great. There are times though that we are too much alike and will hold everything in that bothers us and than let it out all at once. Not only do we do this, we also take everything each other says very personally. For two people who constantly talk, we suck at communication also. I am sure my daughters dad senses these things when they happen, maybe not all, I am sure its confusing if he does. It is funny, my daughters mom and I can be mad at each other but still have the need to talk to each other also. We all have a weird dynamic it seems like.


I get to go to the doctor soon for my finger. It looks so much better. Still a bit yellowish but can definitely tell where flesh is fully forming. I am excited to have it healed. I want to work out again but can only do cardio for the time being. I went to the chiropractor the other day, ah my hips feel amazing still. I have to start on another essay today. I won’t leave too early today I don’t think. I still want my full 40 hours. I am drinking lots of water today, I feel a bit bloated, I ate quite a bit of sodium yesterday. Bacon is so good though.


Well, I had better get some work done. Thank you everyone for butting up with my bipolar mood swings…maybe it is a bit comedic? Either way, I am sorry if I cannot be a role model. I try to be perfect, I just always fail. Well, the air is bitter but the sun is shining, so I will go do my best to enjoy the day. It’s a Friday after all. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves, I am trying.

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