At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.
Inconsiderate, stupid, unstable, scared, messy, manipulative, wrong, selfish, anxious, sad, jittery, hungry, lost, unwanted, just a pretty face that will age, hard to love, outcast
One of the ripple effects of having borderline personality disorder is not being able to keep friends. I am not sure how it is for others but for me, I grow tired of many people. The people I do not grow tired of however I feel like I screw up with keeping. Even now I sit here crying because I feel like I can’t do anything right and I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, something is always wrong. People seem to naturally see the worst in me. I know I am losing a friend, I recognize the signs. No longer do they become the source of comfort but the reason why I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I am sorry I have not written in a couple days. It is fairly simple actually. Friday I worked all day with very little breaktime to breath because I wanted to get out of work on time to get ready for the hockey game. During the hockey game I ate cheese curds because they were pretty much the lowest carb item the arena had unless I wanted to pay over ten dollars for a salad. None the less, they were really good. After the game though my belly became as sick as it was the previous time I ate too much cheese, if not more. I ended up having to take a laxative, luckily it only worked as long as it was supposed to. I laid in bed for a good hour before I was able to stand up without feeling like my tummy was going to rip apart and by than it was a few minutes past midnight. So yesterday I felt pretty good again. I crammed on homework till time for the game. I decided to eat a cheeseburger ( with the bun) instead of curds because I was honestly kind of afraid of that pain again. I had bought some cheese curds but I could barely eat them. I am thinking I am a lot more lactose intolerant than I thought. Well, with the cheeseburger I had a beer since I decided oh well, eating carbs anyways. The beer made me feel bloated, so I think I will actually stick to my spiked waters from now on. My beer didn’t taste that good either. I am actually still somewhat in keto a bit so it didn’t do much harm. But from here on I really will have to watch my dairy intake.
I woke up this morning with my dad chewing me out for my loan payment being late, a little over a week none the less. I pissed him off the other day by saying I am prochoice. Awesome….another day of my parents being disappointed in me. You think I would be used to it by now. Oh well. They have never thought much of me to begin with so *shrug*.And to be fair, I actually paid it last week and am completely caught up again on bills, anyways, always nice to wake up to that shit. I didn’t do much today. Some homework I suppose. I took Bailey to a meetup so he could play with other pups. He of course befriended the tiniest dog there who probably didn’t weight more than five pounds. The pup was really cute though. He had a great time and being around the dogs made me feel a bit better.
Other than Bailey it has been a pretty shitty day. I do not really know why I am here these days. I have explained my living situation before and I am still trapped. I can say I am here for my daughter but than I get told I only use her parents to see her. Everything I do is wrong. Every smile is a lie it feels like a lot these days. I suppose sometimes those goodbyes need to be said so others can be happy. Is it fair to go and speak to other aspiring parents about successful adoption if I feel pushed away and alone? I am just very lost right now and have no source of comfort but my daughter, but she is not mine so I am just alone. Maybe that is not fair to say either, I don’t know because nothing makes sense these days.
I apologize for seeming under the weather, I am not sure what is appropriate to feel. I have a couple vlogs to make for my communication class which wont take long otherwise I think I will just watch TV tonight and hope that the laundry opens up since I need clothes for work. I am thinking I should eat today, but I really do not have much in terms of food till Wednesday. I have enough, I just don’t feel like cooking and don’t really feel that hungry anyways. I have to finish throwing away the cats cat tree because Bailey pissed on it when I did all that OT this week…I knew he was going to also when he got spooked during his lunch walk. Well…at least he understand “tree”. Well, Have a good night everyone.
I would love to b/p right now. I have been doing so good lately though. I think maybe I need to keep more snacks around, like cheese sticks or make some bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers. I could buy some Atkins chocolate shakes too for when I need something sweet and don’t want to b/p. It took a lot of strength not to order a pizza tonight. I got stressed out by my neighbors again. I didn’t let my stress lead to a b/p on junk food so for that I am fairly proud.
So I kinda wanted to show off my finger so everyone can understand why it really hurts to type right now.
So I went back to the doctor for my check up and turns out I was supposed to change the yellow bandage that I was under the impression to leave it alone. So my flesh decided to grow into it which meant the doctor wasn’t able to get the bandage off. It was a great time because when she said she had to go get her superior I quickly tried slowly taking it off, which hurt like a mother fucker but if I was going to be in pain no way was I going to let someone else do it. He was a nice guy and was really cheering me on. So I managed to get it off but in doing so obviously took the new flesh along with it which caused the uncontrollable bleeding again for an hour. Finally after putting pressure on it for that long it finally was under control enough we could bandage it up. So now I get to change the bandages daily, all of them, which I know is going to hurt like a bitch. I plan to do this with wine. I have to say though, I am still impressed by my pain tolerance. So were both the doctors because they said most people would need to look away and have someone else do that. But yeah, fun times.
I ended up working 9 hours today. I am working as much as I can right now. I am getting my shit straightened out financially. I have goals and a big one is to be financially stable.
Well, I plan to watch a movie with the boys tonight. I am not sure yet what but it was a long day. Work has been crazy and I am trying to get ahead in schoolwork since hockey is Friday and Saturday. So with that, goodnight everyone!
I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of two versions of myself. The first is the victim whos every move was a ripple effect of trauma and survival. The second is a future survivor who has beat all odds to become someone great. I feel as if I am in some sort of limbo at the moment.
I have always had trouble coming out of my shell and now I have opened myself up to the world, some may have critiqued, while many I know became followers whom I know hope I succeed. I just am not exactly sure what I hope to succeed on. Blogging has become great therapy for me, it has been a way to get my story out to the world, it also helped me find a lot more about myself. The hypnotherapy sort of sealed areas of me. I know I still have a couple sessions to do in January and I am looking forward to that. I have not had the little girl come out, I do not even feel her because she is a part of me now. I feel full but not tummy wise. It is a feeling in my chest and mind region. I feel like I am becoming whole.
I ate great today and only semi purged once. I stuck to my meats, veggies, and a couple low carb snacks. I feel my tummy working. I always feel better with this way of eating as I have mentioned before. I also drank a lot of water.
What I Did For Myself
I took Bailey for a couple walks today and played fetch with him quite a bit. I still cannot do much in terms of exercise. I hope the doctor can do something tomorrow that will help my finger heal faster. I want to work out. I have noticed since strictly eating veggies and meat my knees feel a lot better. I also a did a ton of laundry today and washed all the boys blankets. I like that I am lucky enough to have non- shedding pets. I enjoyed time with my daughter and her parents. My daughters grandfather is not in the best of health these days so it is nice to try to be there the best I can for her parents.
Well, I have been typing a lot for school work the past few days and I would like to give my finger a break. I do find it very interesting how easy it is to learn to work without a finger. Even with typing my middle finger takes the place of my index finger fairly easily. Either way, this week should be a fairly busy week so I am going to hit the hay. I promise to be good to myself…as I mentioned yesterday, I just have to repeat this to myself ten times a day. I am not sure why ten, it just seemed like a good number.
I am not sure what to say about myself these days, my past is the only interesting part about me. If my past is taken out of the picture than I am honestly very boring.
Today was a decent day. My finger is still bleeding a little bit, not much anymore so that is good…only took three days. I got homework done but still need to bullshit on an essay tomorrow and still need to make a bibliography. Essays are very easy for me to do, in fact the last one I did for Ethics I typed up in ten minutes and got an A. In case my readers haven’t realized, writing is my strong point. Except when my finger is busted up, but its interesting to see how fast I can get used to not having a finger. My finger is still bothering me a lot. I can feel different nerves working. I have noticed thinking of different things can actually effect how much I feel it. I plan to experiment more tomorrow with it.
I will be good to myself...just have to repeat that ten times a day...right?
I ate well today and only purged a little once, otherwise I ate a lot of salad. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast. My daughters mom and I made a chicken buffalo soup, it was amazing.
I am still in quite a bit of pain when typing, so I cannot really make this post worth while. I am feeling a lot better today than I have been all week. It was a really rough week and next week will be worst I am sure…I just need to breath.
Well, I am going to go watch As Above, So Below, with my daughters parents. Everyone have a great night. I will. I will also start trying to be nicer to myself. I know I can be very hard on myself. I just need to breath.
Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?
I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions.
I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.
This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.
I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.
What I am Doing for Myself Today
I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies. I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.
Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.
Hey guys, so here is another video. I enjoy that I can talk to you guys so it feels more personal, however if this is not working for some of you, please let me know. When looking at my stats it seems like it still stays fairly average. I like that vloging gives me more self confidence to express myself and I feel it helping a lot with my speech class. However, if any of you do not like it, please say something.