Just a lil update :)

This month is Native American Heritage month so I just got done making fresh fry bread for my team.

Apparently frybread comes in many names, a friend of mine is from Connecticut and they call them fried dough, which sure, makes sense, but frybread just sounds warm and cozy haha. I am leaving her some on her desk.

I enjoy cooking and baking for my team, actually I enjoy cooking and baking but enjoy that my team will eat what I make so I don’t have so much temptation. I did enjoy a couple pieces however, maybe three, and bailey even got some.

I am very much into herbal extracts now. Yesterday was a good tester. So the guy who I was talking about before, lets just call him Joey, him and I have been talking a lot. I invited him to last nights hockey game a little over a week ago because my daughters parents were busy with a birthday party for my daughters grandmas and so they said I could use them for friends or whatever. I should have just invited coworkers and worked on my networking but no, I decided to invite Joey. I know its been a hard year on him since he just lost his brother and he has been talking about how depressing the holidays are going to be because of that, I know he has been stressed at work and hes made comments to me about how he should quit drinking, so I figured sure, I’ll take him because hockey is great to watch and no alcohol needed. I am not sure why I was so upset because I honestly expected him to disappoint me, like he doesn’t have the greatest track record, I don’t know, it’s weird, I was disappointed that I was disappointed. So Halloween night he is drunk texting me a bunch and than yesterday he messages me saying he has been dealing with insomnia and had a headache so couldn’t go but he really wanted to. I suppose I should be happy that he at least had the courtesy to let me know unlike the last time he ghosted me for a week. My daughters mom whom admits to being a softie thinks I should explain my thoughts with him, my other friend who is like my twin in ways says just say to hell with him LOL. I am actually kind of at the point of just saying whatever, your not my problem. But anyways, after a small exchanging of messages I could feel the extremeness building so I took some of my herbal extract and was able to calm down just enough that I could get my thoughts in order. I didn’t go to the game but meal prepped, cleaned, and watched Netflix for a bit before going to bed at a decent time. The Force won so it would have been a good game to go to, I was just feeling pretty bummed. So anyways, yeah, herbal extracts work amazingly, people can be really shitty friends, and meal prepping saves a bunch of time and calories.

I started the grocery store this past week, so I have been fairly busy. I really like my manager, she is a very happy chipper person. I think I will enjoy having the social aspect of the job versus at the bank where I am in my cubicle and trying to keep good numbers and percentages. Don’t get me wrong, I love structure, but I also enjoy being social at least a little bit, so I think the grocery store will help balance that out.

Guess who lost her debit card again?!? That’s right, ME! I think I left it in the ATM at the bank actually LOL. Ugh, I lose my cards way too much. Seriously though, why am I such a ditz sometimes. I was actually very in awe about being able to deposit cash into my bank account through an ATM, thus why I think I left it there.

Life is going okay all in all I suppose. Alcohol isn’t a thing anymore, neither is the bulimia really. Like I am dealing with the effects of ‘recovery ” again, I only put that in quotes because it’s been awhile now, I wanna say a month, since I purged but I am not sure, I didn’t put it notate it. But I don’t know, its just whatever I guess. I know I should go to the gym when I can afford it, I need to start getting cardio in, the stairs are becoming a bit more exhausting than I would like. Step by step I suppose, next paycheck. Well, I have to make my salad before work, just wanted to give a little update everything is good, have a good day everyone!

Advertisements

Drained

You ever have those nightmares you cannot get out of? You know your dreaming and you know it’s going to get really bad and so you force yourself to wake up, but your not really awake. So than you force your self awake again, but again, you feel awake but you know you aren’t, you are just trapped and you just have to keep on running. Normally when I get really afraid and I know something bad is going to happen is when I can really wake myself up. I have wondered though what would happen if I didn’t? Is that what a coma feels like? If I was truly lost in my mind it would be a nightmare; a coma of continuous nightmares. I suppose they are not always bad though, my vivid dreams. They are so beautiful sometimes, so beautiful I would be happy if I never woke up. Whatever the dream though, the vivid ones I have take so much out of me, I wake up and feel as if I never slept. It’s a good thing dreams can’t kill lol.


Today is gloomy, we should be having a chain of gloomy days for a bit. Five years ago I came to this city to have an abortion at 24, that day was as gloomy as today. I knew back then I wanted to be here. From there on I always had this place as my goal to get to. Now I am here, the air smells the same and the sky looks the same as that day but it doesn’t feel like the same place as I visited five years ago. I recognize everything but everything is still new and unfamiliar in ways. Maybe it is me, I am different after all, but also not. I am still trying to hold on, I am still waiting for the end of this broken mind.


Goals, I have to keep goals, thats the only way of success and fully recovering.

  1. Get out of debt
  2. Fix teeth completely
  3. Be healthy

Those are my three big goals. A second job will really help with me getting out of debt. I need to pay down my consolidation loan. That alone would save me $360 a month once that is out of the way. There is a little over 8k left on it. I would like to pay off my root canal sooner too since that is $142 a month till November. I am noticing pain in my upper right molar, sharp pain, so I am thinking that may eventually need a root canal as well. Hopefully it can last till my insurance renews next year. I am thinking I need to be prepared in case I have to have it done right away though. Being healthy means continuing my personal trainer. It also means having the funds to buy healthy food. A second job will also help this. Being mentally healthy is having less stress which all I am doing right now is stressing over finances. I am thinking this second job is inevitable, I have to try it. I can do this, I have to.


“Use your words Kateri”

“What if there are no words to explain what I feel?”

But theres always words…isn’t there?…


Coffee seems to be helping my body wake up. I feel different. Ugh I feel like I am hungover in a way even though I am not. I feel like I could sleep for a months strait.


Hello new reader!

Hello old readers coming back, I recognize you.


I do not have much more to say. I am not sure how often I will read my book, maybe once a week? Idk, it seemed awkward. Siiiigh…I should be productive. Have a good day everyone! Be good to yourselves 🙂

So This Alabama Abortion Law

Is Bullshit! When will Americans just start minding their own fucking business. First of all, a woman can’t even have an abortion if she is raped with this law. I heard all too many times that “God works in mysterious ways,” bullshit when I was raped and got pregnant. That fucked me up for years! And guess what? After shitty and abusive relationships, I ended up getting an abortion anyways because of how fucked up that pregnancy made me. And I would have had one whether it was illegal or not.

Sure, a pro-lifer can bring out someone who says that she loves her rapists baby and yada yada yada, but that one person doesn’t represent EVERYONE who has ever had to deal with that. If I wouldn’t have been so afraid of my parents die hard Catholic views and wouldn’t have been so afraid of getting kicked out for having an abortion after the rape, I probably would have been a lot more successful now. Women who have abortions do NOT ALL feel remorse and depression. Honestly if they are in the situation where they feel they need to have an abortion, chances are they have already dealt with some sort of depression already. Again, just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I represent a majority of the whole. I have met plenty of women who have said its the best thing they did for themselvesI and have also met women who feel remorse, theres two sides. Also, if I wouldn’t have had an abortion, I would still be dealing with an abusive relationship and all that would have lead to is another kid growing up in another unstable home. Abortion is pretty much the only real area a woman has rights because even if a woman chooses adoption she needs consent from the sperm donor. Ya know, all meth-head sperm donors make GREAT fathers and deserve rights!

I love my daughter and her parents but without that past I wouldn’t be here nor my daughter, honestly I’d probably be dead. So I have no remorse of having an abortion and honestly wish I would have had one after the rape. People need to just fucking mind their own business and not be judgmental assholes. Stop infringing on women’s rights just because your God says something wrong because I could easily say my Gods are right by saying abortion is okay (I don’t have any God, but still). Also make birth control more affordable to women who don’t have insurance, hell, even to women who do, because just the doctor visits to get birth control can add up. But wait, thats murder too, oh yeah, only women who can afford to have kids should enjoy sex, my bad. I mean, we criticize women on welfare, after all, they shouldn’t have been such whores to like sex in the first place, who cares about the kids they pop out because abortion is illegal and birth control is too expensive.

Gawd this country needs better shit to worry about, like how about the devaluing of our dollar? How about the gap between wealth and poverty getting wider? Maybe our failing school systems? (Wait, I forget, we are not supposed to care about the embryos once they are outside the womb) How about our politicians making six figure digits while millions (and when I say MILLIONS, like roughly 40 MILLION) AMERICANS LIVE IN POVERTY! Thats not even counting the lower middle class to poor class who are just barely making it and all it takes is one missed paycheck, ONE sick day, to be in poverty. Instead we just want to clean out homeless people from the streets by hiding them and making it harder for them to find places to sleep. As long as we don’t see it it must not exist right? But lets tell women that men control every aspect of their body because essentially thats what it comes down to.

“Oh I can fuck the shit out of you without consent repeatedly, beat the fuck out of you, but bitch, I will have fatherly rights when I knock you up.”

Gawd I fear for my daughter everyday with this country. I really hope shit gets better once the baby boomers start dying out but damn, can our country hold on that long?

My generation and younger are told we are snowflakes for getting offended, but guess what? Just because I am offended does not mean I go and try into invoke my beliefs on others. It means I mind my own fucking business.

Anyways, rant over…


It has been a good couple days at the gym. Yesterday I burned 750 calories doing the elliptical. So normally I will do the elliptical because of my knees since the pounding of running on a treadmill can really bother them. Even on the elliptical my knees would normally hurt, especially once I would get home and walked up the stairs to my third floor apartment. Well yesterday after my workout on the elliptical I went home and the stairs were so easy. Like I could feel a dull ache under my knee cap going up the stairs but my knees felt supported and stable. They did not shake at all. It was a great feeling. So today I started out with the elliptical again but got bored so decided why not work my lower body on the weights. Today is my first day lifting weights alone.  When I first started my personal trainer, I was barely squatting a plain 45lbs bar, well, today I made it to squatting 100 lbs 🙂 My arms definitely feel stronger too. Now that I know what I am doing when it comes to lifting certain weights and using certain weight machines, I am a lot more comfortable working out on my own. Of course I still have to keep my personal trainer the rest of the year but I think it is worth it, after all, this is my health and recovery we are talking about. It is expensive sure, but its cheaper than an eating disorder rehab facility and I have probably done better than I ever would have being an inpatient. It’s hard to believe it’s been 5 1/2 months.


My eating is continuing to be fresh. Last night I made homemade buffalo chicken and put it on top of a fresh salad with an avocado. It was amazing. I am so excited to eat the rest for lunch today. I love avocados and they are healthy fats. I remember when I started blogging I hated avocados and I said I was going to end up being just be another millennial who ate their avocados on toast after blogging. Well, I don’t eat toast because of the carbs but damn, I am becoming a stereotype LOL.

IMG_1227

My protein shake after the gym seems to be replenishing my muscles, I am feeling so much stronger. My bloat from last weekend is non-existent and my legs are not swollen at all today. There was some leg bloat last night but I am thinking the water, low carb healthy eating, and exercising is really helping, which is good. I don’t want to get any blood clots. I had a bad headache yesterday, I have been getting those in the evenings but yesterday it lasted all day, even with pain reliever. It’s gone today but I am attributing it with getting the carbs and toxins out of my body. I feel really good today body wise though. The 11-7 eating window is working out really well, I think it teaches good discipline.


I keep having to tell myself that our clients are helping and saving millions of people, that is how I keep myself here. I feel like many departments motto is becoming if you have time to have fun and enjoy work than you must not have enough to do, which is a bummer. Maybe that is just the growing pains though.

-A quote from my Human Relations in Organizations textbook-
“Supervisory–management personnel are in a key position to influence employee behavior. It is no exaggeration to say that supervisors and managers are the spokespersons for the organization. Their philosophy, competence, and leader- ship style establish the organization’s image in the eyes of employees. Each employee develops certain perceptions about the organization’s concern for his or her welfare. These perceptions, in turn, influence such important factors as productivity, customer relations, safety consciousness, and loyalty to the firm.”

For as great of a company as we are, from our founders dream for this company to how many clients we help, it’s poor management that can bring this company down. There is so much distrust among workers here due to management. When looking on Glassdoor of reviews the current and previous workers from here aren’t wrong. How can workers go to management when there is so much “miscommunication?” Too many managers are here for the money, hell even my manager said he just expects to keep going higher and has proved he will not put the client first. Its the workers who aren’t suck-ups to management who care about the clients and care enough to speak up, but that just lands them in trouble. Shit, we even have workers who are willing to spy on other workers for their managers. Probably 80 percent of the areas are toxic but that could change too because there is a new plan for the company to be broken into sections. Maybe that will help? But much of our staff is overworked, I hope it doesn’t just lead to more micromanaging and overworking. We have many people who are loyal to our founder but people can only take so much. My coworker who left was not happy about leaving, she was fairly sad, but also relieved because her environment was that toxic. She loved the company and our founder but it was too much. I am afraid this may become a new trend, out with the old loyal workers, in with the new workers who think of this as just another job. I will keep holding on though for the time being.


So I mentioned my textbooks quote, yeah…I couldn’t stay away from studying for summer school LOL. I ordered my textbooks and have started reading one. I want to get A’s since I am taking only three classes. I know I can do this.


Also, my book hit #1 New Release! (In Biographies of Social Scientists & Psychologists on Amazon, but whatever, beside the point) 

Thank-you to the couple more people who have bought my book, I appreciate it! Enjoy! 🙂


Well, I suppose I should go be productive. It’s a little longer blog since I did not blog yesterday. I planned to last night but than went to the park with my daughter and her parents and than got home and tidied up a bit before bed. I feel like my thoughts are starting to spread themselves out. I think my mind is finally recovering from my fever last week. Well, everyone have a good day!