Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.
Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.
Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.
Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.
Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.
Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.
Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.
Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.
Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.
Cliche#9: I will try my best to find good in any day
Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.
So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.
2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety
So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.
Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.
Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!
“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”
It can also be said, don’t let todays mistakes define tomorrow. Yes I purged today, but I did not binge as much. Yes I ate more calories than I should have, but I throughly enjoyed my smoothie and kept it down. I know I am gaining weight, but as a friend told me, I am looking more like a woman than a girl. I need to start learning to enjoy life more, because even though I do not believe this life is all there is, it very well could be. We could all be dead tomorrow, do I really want my bad habits to be all that my life has been about?
Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it.
Life in General
It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.
I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.
Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.
I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.
Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.
All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?
Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.
If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?
All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀
It’s been a long month. I think life is finally settling down.
So biggest thing that happened was I moved and I absolutely love my new apartment. It was a very much needed move. I felt myself losing grasp and hope that I could never get out of that shithole so I took the leap. Right when I walked into this apartment (I had toured a few) I knew it was the one. I moved in on the 10th I believe and have been sleeping in the dark ever since. Bailey is starting to fatten up and his anxiety has gone down so much and he is growing back bald patches of fur. The cats will lay on the windowsill and purr for no reason. I have yet to have someone take over my other lease. I have 2 months free for this apartment so will pay December and January for the other apartment. If no one takes over the lease by the end of January then when I get my loan dispersement from college I will use that to pay out the remainder of the lease. It ends end of April. I think it is prorated at 60 percent. We will see, I just needed out of that building. I felt like garbage living there. This apartment does cost quite a bit more but I will do a human study in January hopefully and than will use that to spread out over the lease so its cheaper per month.
I have my own laundry room also, never have to share laundry again. I am excited to use the balcony this summer, the sunsets are amazing and I have such a good view of traffic. Its a top floor corner apartment. I found a home.
Well, I finally had enough of my partner and completely told her off last week. It was amazing. So we all know I have been having problems with her for awhile because she’s ugly inside and out. I went to my boss’s manager and HR to make an official complaint because she has been getting worst. I wrote up about three pages of shit she’s done and said about me and how nasty I have seen her towards other people when management or “popular” people aren’t around. From what I understand from others, there are managers keeping tabs on her. My boss is now hiring for another shipping partner for me (I NEED ONE! WE HAVE PICKED UP LIKE CRAZY!) as well as another packaging person. I am thinking what the plan is is to give her another packaging partner to train and if need be they can let her go. Right now she is the only one who knows packaging well, I somewhat know it but it would really hurt if I had to do it all myself, plus theres protocols and I would need a partner to be verifying all my files. So right now she loves to act like she’s invincible but eventually she won’t be. I am no where near the only one who is having problems with her, but I started a pretty decent complaint process so we will see what happens.
Anyways, I told her off pretty hard, yelling and pointing my finger at her because I honestly just got tired of her shit. I have been feeling great ever since. She still annoys the fuck out of me but she is rarely near me. She is also very nice to me now, although I know its all fake and she’s still talking shit, but she’s an old hag who eats everything in site….soooo… Who cares? Soon, I will not deal with her because once I get a partner she is OUT of my office and I will have NOTHING to do with her other than receiving shipments. A friend of mine from the Post Office applied to be my partner…I am really crossing my fingers she gets it. She’s a really hard worker and very sweet.
Eating Wise/ Drinking wise
It was pretty rough there for a while with the binging and purging. I never felt like I was getting a break from stress between home, personal, and work life. I was always feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any minute. I felt it really effecting my heart and mind. Of course I used the drinking to combat that. Pretty sure that was a double edged sword to do but theres a place I have to get to to get the strength and courage to leap. Pretty much I figured either I would slowly kill myself or I needed to change everything that was wrong. Now that life is falling into place I am trying to eat better. My drinking tolerance is starting to go down I feel. I am keeping food down more. I think I just need to eat a small amount of food at a time. I had 2 eggs with peppers and onions cooked in coconut oil for breakfast and I feel good. I have been trying to drink more water also. I kind of want to take a month off from drinking again. I am trying to remember to take fish oil for my heart and a vitamin. I’ve started taking my probiotic again also. We will see how this goes.
Hmm..well, I think I am ready to start dating again. I have never really had a healthy relationship though so I will be cautious. I will be having coffee with a guy who works with the lady who runs the dog meetups. I am excited to meet him as we have only had contact over the phone. If nothing comes of it well than at least I will probably have a friend. If something does happen great. I am not desperate. He is fairly successful and has a really good career. He loves to travel and is active outdoors. He only drinks socially and loves animals. He seems like someone worth having at least coffee with.
Bailey and I will be attending a pup meetup this Sunday so I am excited for that. He has been going to daycare 1-2 times weekly. The girls who run it have told me he is becoming so much more open and plays with others a lot. I am hoping to see this in action since some of the pups are familiar with each other. He seems to be a lot happier. I like that he is not so scrawny anymore.
Well, in a nutshell that has been what has been going on. Next week is the last week of school and I am so excited for the semester to be over. Its been a rough year lol. I am excited for the year to be over honestly. I have decorated a little for Christmas, its been rough since this is the first year without my grandma. She died December 11th last year. There is a nice lady who will be giving me some more decorations since money is tight. I am trying little by little to be happy.
Well, I should probably get to work. Have a good day everyone!
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
It is and interesting feeling when you have the world wide open to you but are still stuck in your mind. I am my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My strength can help me create a difference in the world but my weakness can kill me young.
Why do I purge? I can go days without doing so but than I have that moment of insecurity or stress and it is a comfort I have had for over a decade. I do not NEED to throw up, it is really habit. I have been doing a lot better since sticking with veggies and meat, I do not really crave sugar anymore unless I let myself get overly hungry. I feel a lot better about myself. I feel healthier. I do eat more processed foods than I would like such as bacon and sausage. Eventually once I get to a healthy BMI and am able to work out again, I will start incorporating a fruit or two a day and than cut back on processed foods. I have some breathing room with it since its very little carbs. However once fruit is added I will no longer be in keto and will need to start eating cleaner. I do feel it taking a harder toll on my esophagus, it hurts a lot more sometimes. I know I am still as healthy as I am though because I am a fast healer.
I did not post yesterday because I was busy with my daughter and her parents. I have been really missing them lately, especially my daughter. I can at least message and talk to her parents all day but not really her since ya know, she’s barely even two yet. I have been so busy with work and school I feel like I don’t get much time with her these days, not anywhere that I used to anyways. It’s not anyones fault, it’s just life right now. Her grandpa hasn’t been in the best of health lately either so her parents have been busy helping family also and her dad is working two jobs at the moment. It’s just a hectic time for everyone and of course she is at the wonderful stage of tantrums and not sleeping so her mom isn’t getting normal sleep either. It sucks because my daughter is very much a part of me, I need her in some weird sense, our bond never did break after the adoption. Yesterday I babysat her for awhile while her parents went to run errands. It was nice, we watched some tv, played with toys, played outside, than I rocked her till she fell asleep, which she fell asleep right away. I hummed “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” this is my favorite Christmas song. I often hummed and sang this while I was pregnant with her. We had a really good time. Later on we invited friends over to watch hockey and than play Mario Party, it was a lot of fun. The whole day was really good. Today I slept in till 11ish. I went thrift shopping and then went over to visit my daughter and her parents. We just chilled and played because her dad hurt his back. I forgot to eat and became kinda weak and lightheaded a bit but we had a good dinner. It was a good busy weekend.
Tomorrow is the day we meet with the adoption agency and talk to other aspiring parents. I am not sure how this will go but I am going to do my best to be honest and comfortable. I do think it is important for aspiring parents to understand the view of the birthmother. The social worker who handled our adoption process emailed her parents a list of questions that will be asked. They aren’t overly invasive, just a lot of feelings and our story. My goal is to be as informative as possible on a birthmothers end and to help try to understand what can be going through a birthmothers mind. There are many emotions involved and I wouldn’t want aspiring parents to be put off or wary of having open adoptions because a birth mother may be difficult, after all, difficult can stem from being scared. So, I will do my best to help inform.
My finger is healing very well. I have almost a full range of motion and sensation. The doctor was really surprised with how fast I healed. I am going to hopefully try to get to the gym this week. I picked up OT for the next few months on Mondays. Because I am getting OT at the beginning of the week I am going to try to get Bailey to some more playdates if possible. I feel like I have been neglecting him lately. I feel bad and want to do better,
I think I suck at keeping friends and do not have much to offer the ones that I do. All I do have is being there to listen and offer any advice I can. I did that with a close friend today, the one whom I have talked about how we started on bad ends with the union. I am happy she is in my life. We are very similar in ways, especially with our dedication to the union. In the end I obviously couldn’t do the job due to my back and knee injury, but it was an interesting change with us. While I was at the post office we talked but it was always union related. Now we have become friends on a more personal level and I am grateful for this. She has positively impacted my life and I have looked up to her for a long time.
Well, the clock is about midnight and I want to get this post out today. I do not like missing days however I seem to be a little lately, but that is a good thing in a way because I am missing posts because I am living. I should get to bed soon. I am watching a movie right now while cuddling with Bailey. I hope everyone has a good night, sleep well.
I should probably make a clear explanation of where all my anxiety is coming from. I feel trapped as we all know. Work wise, I can’t stand my coworker, even when she is having a good day. Honestly, the nicer she is to me the more I know she is talking shit about me. Not that it overly bothers me about that, it’s just she carries so much negativity, I can literally sense her coming. With how stressful of a person she is I would think her life expectancy should be shorter…but here she is. Another area of stress is school. Not that any of my classes are overly hard this semester since I gave myself a load with breathing room, but balancing it with work and than thinking about the future. I am running out of classes to take online for my degree. The classes that are needed on campus will not work with school. I would think there would be more evening classes given at the university but none that would work with my schedule. Classes that are required are during our busiest days and/or times. I see three options at the moment:
- I could switch my degree plan and major in something different. What that would be I do not know, I enjoy learning about the mind. Is it worth switching my degree for a workplace where I am mentally stressed by the time I get home because of such a nasty coworker?
- I could find a different job, one that is flexible and will work with my school schedule. However, most anything flexible is some bullshit customer service type job, and as much as I like learning about the mind, I don’t do well with stupidity. But if my partner here makes me hate this job so much and dread coming to work, is it worth it? My manager doesn’t do anything and in all honestly I feel he may be afraid of her like everyone else. I would have to look for something that pays around the same wage since I don’t want to stress about being short on money. I want to comfortably still pay bills and have food and buy my pets what they need, plus other basic necessities. This will also entail possibly not being able to move out of my current apartments. I can move because by the time I am ready to switch jobs I would already have a new lease signed somewhere, but than I will really need a minimum amount of income I can make, which I am not sure how many there are here that pay me what I get currently. I could care less about retirement and whatnot, just insurance. I don’t want that to cost hundreds a month either.
- I can stay at my job and leave school after the next semester. After all, I have great benefits and good pay. It is safe. Maybe less stress too because there will be no school work. But than will I be happy? Or would I feel like I just stayed where I was comfortable and always look back and wonder “what if”? What about people I could have helped? Could I have made a difference in someones life who needed me and ended up not having the help they needed? Mental health units are very overcrowded and not enough therapists. But than with that comes the question, who do I want to help? Where do I want to make a difference at?
I feel like there is something I am missing that is right in front of me.
A friend of mine as well as a follower have suggested finding some sort of spiritual center. I do not believe in god but I do believe in the spiritual world. I believe that if god exists than he is honestly bigger than the human mind can comprehend. There always has to be someone bigger. I have really been getting into the book I mentioned before, the one that a follower sent me. I feel like there isn’t much time to meditate or study anything more than I am, I should try though.
Eggs, bacon, and coffee for breakfast. This always seems to cheer up my moods in the morning. I love taking my Biotin, it’s a nice little sweetness for my morning. I am in such a good mood often when I wake up…it’s when I get to work than I start feeling anxious. I have another coworker who does verifying for us who says he dreads coming to the shipping room because he doesn’t know how my partner will be. Maybe I do need to leave eventually. Today is payday, I plan on having a nice chicken bacon salad for lunch. I need to get to Costco today also, I haven’t gone grocery shopping like I have wanted lately so I will today.
Not much has changed from last night, I drink a lot of water and coffee. I am really getting back into my tea’s. I am thinking of buying some bubbles tonight though and taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. It all depends on how much homework I get done. I want to deep clean some too because it will be a warm enough weekend I can open my windows and let some fresh air in.
My daughters mom and I are very much alike. Normally it’s a very good thing, we get along great. There are times though that we are too much alike and will hold everything in that bothers us and than let it out all at once. Not only do we do this, we also take everything each other says very personally. For two people who constantly talk, we suck at communication also. I am sure my daughters dad senses these things when they happen, maybe not all, I am sure its confusing if he does. It is funny, my daughters mom and I can be mad at each other but still have the need to talk to each other also. We all have a weird dynamic it seems like.
I get to go to the doctor soon for my finger. It looks so much better. Still a bit yellowish but can definitely tell where flesh is fully forming. I am excited to have it healed. I want to work out again but can only do cardio for the time being. I went to the chiropractor the other day, ah my hips feel amazing still. I have to start on another essay today. I won’t leave too early today I don’t think. I still want my full 40 hours. I am drinking lots of water today, I feel a bit bloated, I ate quite a bit of sodium yesterday. Bacon is so good though.
Well, I had better get some work done. Thank you everyone for butting up with my bipolar mood swings…maybe it is a bit comedic? Either way, I am sorry if I cannot be a role model. I try to be perfect, I just always fail. Well, the air is bitter but the sun is shining, so I will go do my best to enjoy the day. It’s a Friday after all. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves, I am trying.