I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.
I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.
My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.
Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!
There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.
Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.
I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.
I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.
I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.
My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.
I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!
I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.
Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!
Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.
Well, it has been a long stretch of days. I was so excited to get back to blogging and then I decided to get a viral infection and then finals happened and work became crazy overloaded. Everything has been going pretty well other than that, I am just very busy with life. I still have one more speech to make and than I will be officially done with classes for this semester. I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, as in all straight A’s, but I was still in the process of figuring out everything so I am not beating myself down too badly for it.
Life in General
It has been going okay. As I said before I have been crazy busy. I ended up going on a couple dates with the guy who I have previously mentioned, however it wasn’t meant to work out. The coffee date was enjoyable and I had fun. I think I was more excited about the fact of being on a date after so long rather then being excited for the guy himself. The second date we ended up having drinks at the bar. I had a lot of fun but then he told me he smoked weed and ended up being allergic to my cats. I do not hold weed against people but in my personal preference I don’t like to be around it so that itself sent up a few flags for me and when he said he was allergic to my cats it kinda was just a mutual agreement that it wouldn’t work out. Also he only “liked” hockey and loved football, where as I love hockey but hate football. There weren’t a lot of connections to begin with. I did, however, like that when he tried to make out with me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with going that fast, he stopped. I am not sure if I have actually ever had a guy stop when I said I wasn’t comfortable. All in all, just a nice fun innocent normal couple of dates. I have been talking to my friends cousin the past few days. I know he really likes hockey and enjoys being outside. He seems to have his life in order so maybe we will meet up one of these days.
I have been tolerating my partner quite well I think. I am excited to have a new shipping partner but I am not sure anyone has been chosen yet. She will end up moving to our warehouse so I will never have anything to do with her…it’s going to be GREAT! She has been pretty respectful towards me since I told her off, but I am always on guard with an attitude. It’s not something I enjoy having to do but if the post office taught me anything, it has been to hold my ground and have a backbone.
Yesterday marked a year since my grandma died. It was a pretty sad day but I know she is in a better place. Reservations are no place for a good healthy life. I feel like I am watching my family slowly kill themselves off, one by one to pills or meth and the occasional drunk driving accident.
I made cookies with my daughter this weekend. It was a really fun time. I think we are going to look at Christmas lights tonight if the weather isn’t too bad. We are finally starting to get snow. I am not sure how things are going with all of us. It’s complicated. Side note: I make amazing cookies.
Well, I think this is what many people are concerned with the most when it comes to my blogs. Truth be told, I am kind of stuck in this weird mindset area. I am keeping food down pretty easily at times but than there are other times I feel a need to B/P but with no real reason behind it. I used to B/P for the stress relief but now that I am in a very good place mentally and emotionally it’s like its a habit. It’s disgusting really and wastes so much money. I am starting to eat more nutritious foods though. I have not been low carbing and can keep food down that isn’t keto. I am caring more about my health and tummy. As for the drinking, meh, I am getting bored with it, so honestly I think a lot of the drinking is out of habit also. I enjoy going out but as for drinking at home, I do, but I have also been sticking with tea some nights as well. I am taking more time to cook and enjoy my meals. I sizzled up some turkey sausage with coconut oil and fried some peppers, onions, tomatoes, and kale with eggs for breakfast this morning. This alone would have been low carb but since I am not trying to diet, I added in a halo tangerine on the side. It was really good.
All in all, I think I just have to break some old habits, after all, they die hard right?
Oh the beloved pup named Bailey. He is doing so well in daycare and dog meetups. He is starting to act like a dog now. He will play tug of war where as before if I tried to tug he would submissively give me his toy. He is starting to get an attitude on him. I have noticed he will also try to hump my cats and barks a little more now, ugh, bad habits I suppose from the other pups. I am so excited for warmer weather when we can go for more walks and meetups. He is so sociable these days.
If a pup like Bailey can survive so much abuse and heal, I can too, right?
All in all, I have been more optimistic these days (still realist) and a bit more sociable. I still love my apartment, love my job, love that I have almost successfully finished a semester of being college after being gone so long, and just love who I am becoming (granted a long ways left to go). This past year has been a really rough one, shit my whole life has been fucked up LOL. I do know I am headed in the right direction and am on a path of stability. I am not using my past to define me anymore. I do still have shit to figure out, but for readers who have been there since I started blogging, I think you can see how far I have come. Well, I had better get to work, these shipments aren’t going to package themselves. Everyone have a great day! Be good to yourself and good things will happen! 😀
Inconsiderate, stupid, unstable, scared, messy, manipulative, wrong, selfish, anxious, sad, jittery, hungry, lost, unwanted, just a pretty face that will age, hard to love, outcast
One of the ripple effects of having borderline personality disorder is not being able to keep friends. I am not sure how it is for others but for me, I grow tired of many people. The people I do not grow tired of however I feel like I screw up with keeping. Even now I sit here crying because I feel like I can’t do anything right and I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, something is always wrong. People seem to naturally see the worst in me. I know I am losing a friend, I recognize the signs. No longer do they become the source of comfort but the reason why I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I am sorry I have not written in a couple days. It is fairly simple actually. Friday I worked all day with very little breaktime to breath because I wanted to get out of work on time to get ready for the hockey game. During the hockey game I ate cheese curds because they were pretty much the lowest carb item the arena had unless I wanted to pay over ten dollars for a salad. None the less, they were really good. After the game though my belly became as sick as it was the previous time I ate too much cheese, if not more. I ended up having to take a laxative, luckily it only worked as long as it was supposed to. I laid in bed for a good hour before I was able to stand up without feeling like my tummy was going to rip apart and by than it was a few minutes past midnight. So yesterday I felt pretty good again. I crammed on homework till time for the game. I decided to eat a cheeseburger ( with the bun) instead of curds because I was honestly kind of afraid of that pain again. I had bought some cheese curds but I could barely eat them. I am thinking I am a lot more lactose intolerant than I thought. Well, with the cheeseburger I had a beer since I decided oh well, eating carbs anyways. The beer made me feel bloated, so I think I will actually stick to my spiked waters from now on. My beer didn’t taste that good either. I am actually still somewhat in keto a bit so it didn’t do much harm. But from here on I really will have to watch my dairy intake.
I woke up this morning with my dad chewing me out for my loan payment being late, a little over a week none the less. I pissed him off the other day by saying I am prochoice. Awesome….another day of my parents being disappointed in me. You think I would be used to it by now. Oh well. They have never thought much of me to begin with so *shrug*.And to be fair, I actually paid it last week and am completely caught up again on bills, anyways, always nice to wake up to that shit. I didn’t do much today. Some homework I suppose. I took Bailey to a meetup so he could play with other pups. He of course befriended the tiniest dog there who probably didn’t weight more than five pounds. The pup was really cute though. He had a great time and being around the dogs made me feel a bit better.
Other than Bailey it has been a pretty shitty day. I do not really know why I am here these days. I have explained my living situation before and I am still trapped. I can say I am here for my daughter but than I get told I only use her parents to see her. Everything I do is wrong. Every smile is a lie it feels like a lot these days. I suppose sometimes those goodbyes need to be said so others can be happy. Is it fair to go and speak to other aspiring parents about successful adoption if I feel pushed away and alone? I am just very lost right now and have no source of comfort but my daughter, but she is not mine so I am just alone. Maybe that is not fair to say either, I don’t know because nothing makes sense these days.
I apologize for seeming under the weather, I am not sure what is appropriate to feel. I have a couple vlogs to make for my communication class which wont take long otherwise I think I will just watch TV tonight and hope that the laundry opens up since I need clothes for work. I am thinking I should eat today, but I really do not have much in terms of food till Wednesday. I have enough, I just don’t feel like cooking and don’t really feel that hungry anyways. I have to finish throwing away the cats cat tree because Bailey pissed on it when I did all that OT this week…I knew he was going to also when he got spooked during his lunch walk. Well…at least he understand “tree”. Well, Have a good night everyone.