I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.
Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.
Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.
So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.
Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.
Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!
Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.
Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.
So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.
Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!
I had a fairly hungover feeling all morning. Last night I was exhausted and was in bed by 8pm. I feel like I am getting rid of something and the best way I can explain it is drinking tons of water to get rid of a hangover, even though I haven’t been drinking much, and the past three days, not at all. This afternoon I feel pretty good, but still drinking a lot of water.
We all know I went through my first hypnotherapy session yesterday, and maybe this was part of the reason I was exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible though, and was even having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.
When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head had been silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. I had already been kinda brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.
So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because with how smart I am, I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, none the less reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. I am still trying to process a lot of it. After that I felt in a weird haze for a couple hours. Like that feeling of waking up and needing coffee. Except I had coffee, and I was very hungry so I ate. I felt weird all day and than became very exhausted, thus why I did not blog much last night. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold yesterday morning. I went to my daughters mom’s home complaining about this. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, is I was not sick at all after the session. My throat was fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session and than felt exhausted and went to bed early.
I did not b/p today. I did purge a little, however it was some salad and it was because my tummy was really hurting, not an excuse I know, but it’s okay. I didn’t b/p yesterday either. In fact, that little bit of salad today was all I did. We all know I have been trying to eat low carb but I had a hotdog, a little bit of chips (daughter stole them) and some popcorn (daughter stole this too!) along with a couple beers, but I kept it all down. I felt different today. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I went to the gym today and I think I may have ran too hard because that is when I started feeling sick. I felt so light though and like my mind and body were so much lighter. This makes sense between the hypnotherapist and chiropractor. I should be careful on this and steadily work myself back up into shape. I just felt so different was all.
Well, it is late and I would like to get this blog published before midnight, since I publish everyday. I was busy with work and school today, I took my psychology exam. It went okay, I still have an A in the class LOL. I went to the last scrimmage game before the hockey season starts for good. I am taking care of some kitties for friends while they are out of town so went over to their house after the game. It was a busy day but it was good. My main goal for tonight was to at least tell everyone about my session. It was interesting. You all have a great night, it is Friday after all. Be good to yourself, as I am doing to me.
In order for one to be happy, don’t they need happy times? If I cannot think of a single happy moment in my childhood and very few in my teen years and adulthood, than to take the emotion out of everything bad, what is left? Happiness from since my daughter was born? To take the negative emotion out of 26 years, will there be anything left of me?
Sometimes trying to keep a positive attitude and hopeful is exhausting. I do not have it in me to always be happy and optimistic. I’ll give it one last shot with this hypnotherapy, but I do not want to put so much faith into it either. Although it’s exhausting trying over and over again. It’s exhausted to even wake up some days and than to have to put on a smile.
A&P is stressing me out. I hate that I had to take a science class that I will never need. Frick load of money for the class none the less the books and I have to take it merely for the fact that I need a science that can transfer. Generals are a rip off for the most part. I was lucky that I took my math’s and English’s I needed before, otherwise I would be doing those again also. I have to say I have never used algebra or trigonometry since taking the classes.
Deleting the Trigger
So I decided to withdraw from my anatomy class, as clearly it was stressing me out. It has been stressing me out for awhile actually. I enjoy school a lot and I didn’t want to take that class to begin with. I wanted to start out small and steady since I hadn’t been in school for almost five years. So I dropped the lecture and lab. I still am taking my Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Speech like I originally intended. That is okay with me. I do not want my other grades to suffer because I am too stressed with the Anatomy. My original plan was to retake a Biology that I didn’t withdraw from way back when and let fail. I want to retake that in a face to face lecture so I can get a good grade since I know I can get a good grade in that class. I let the orientation lady talk me into being full time even though I knew inside I wasn’t ready for that. I still work full time and am still working on myself obviously. I went a bit nuts a little earlier because I had been dreading the Anatomy test coming up. I feel a lot better now. School is once again fun and I am on the track I feel I should have been on all along.
When I felt I was going crazy earlier I ended up climbing into bed and trying to get to the dream world or whatever it is. I felt I was close. I could feel my body there but my mind was still not concentrating right. I am not sure I should be trying yet, but it is fun regardless. It also calmed me and made me realize what I needed to do about school.
I feel a lot better now. I have adjusted my schedule accordingly with my classes and work now. I am very happy with my decision. If I have triggers than I need to take care of them. I knew that if I kept the load on that I had, than it could cause a worst trigger later on. I am hopeful again, very hopeful. I feel like myself. I feel a lot lighter actually. I have been looking at different gyms to join since my work insurance will reimburse it. My chiropractor felt amazing yesterday and now that I feel my body getting back into place, I feel like I can start working out again. I do not feel like a 50 year old lady, probably more lower thirties now. I am very excited to see how I feel at the end of the week. I am working on my mind and body. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be a whole new me, or at least a lot happier. I still wonder though, what all will be left if there is nothing negative? My daughter and her parents? I can live with that happily. I just don’t know what all happiness there is for the years prior to them. There has been a lot more that I haven’t talked about, not even with my daughters parents whom are closest to me. I imagine a lot of guilt is still there. Not from a personal stance, but because of the judging that comes from others. I suppose I should address some of these in the next few days. If I am going to be draining all the negative emotions, I need to start sooner than later.
Well peeps, I am going to watch tv and chill for a bit. I feel great now actually. Everyone have a good night. Stay safe and be good to yourself. Goodnight.
Hey guys, so here is another video. I enjoy that I can talk to you guys so it feels more personal, however if this is not working for some of you, please let me know. When looking at my stats it seems like it still stays fairly average. I like that vloging gives me more self confidence to express myself and I feel it helping a lot with my speech class. However, if any of you do not like it, please say something.