lonely

Optimism

“You only fail when you stop trying”

“Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of each step you take toward reaching that goal.”

This was quoted by our Vice President. It is a little inspiring when trying to achieve excellence and to better oneself.. Our company is doing extremely well and growing very fast so its unlimited overtime right now. I am happy to be a part of this company, its nice to have a job I can take pride in and not always have to be waiting to deal with management. Management is very respectful here. I am lucky to have a job that I enjoy and am proud of but I do not have my life centered around it. I think too many people look for fulfillment in work and forget about living their life as a whole.


I am trying to be optimistic about finances. I do not think we will be getting a Christmas bonus at work and I was sort of really hoping on that for getting ahead. I am not too terribly in the hole, I just won’t get where I wanted to be. I just need to keep on pushing, I know I will make it to where I want to be financially eventually. I signed up to be a human guinea pig for a study. Since no one has taken my previous shitty apartment, our company won’t be giving out a Christmas bonus, and I wont be getting as much back from my college dispersement as I was hoping, finances just became a bit more difficult.


Funny side story of how my mind works. I went out to eat with my daughters mom tonight. It was a tavern neither of us had ever tried before. I briefly looked at the menu online and thought it looked good, the typical foods of pizza, burgers, salads, and pasta. Well, when we got there it seemed a bit loud, after all, it was a tavern. It was very pretty but took about 20 minutes for us to get sat since its new and popular. Well, everything was going okay until I looked at the menu. I am already a very indecisive person but the menu was mostly BYO. It had BYO pizza, BYO salads, and  BYO burgers. There were tons of choices for each section as well. The table had slips to fill out for the BYO.  It took me quite a while to look through the menu so I decided I would just build my own burger, safe and cheap. I thought about the pizza but there was no size so I didn’t know how good of a deal I was getting and I didn’t know how well the salad was chopped up. I chose a burger, bun, cheese, lettuce leaf, tomatoes, pickles, and then I got to the onions. There were raw onions or caramelized onions. If I chose caramelized onions than I would be better off choosing the shredded lettuce instead and using a special sauce but then it would taste weird with the tomatoes and pickles. If I took those off then I would want a pretzel bun rather than a croissant bun. I would also than need to change the cheese. But than if I chose the raw onions than I would literally be paying 13$ for a regular cheeseburger. BUT THEN I saw onion strings and if I chose onion strings then I would want bacon and the special bbq sauce but then would need to change the cheese again and add coleslaw. But if I did that then I should change it from a hamburger patty to a crispy chicken patty. All of a sudden my mind couldn’t think straight and the room started getting really loud and I got really cold and lightheaded and felt like crying because of the stupid onions. I then started thinking about the time and how I was feeling so rushed because my daughter would need to be going to bed in a couple hours and it would take me an hour to just choose my toppings. I ended up calming down and getting a burger that was already on the menu, it was very good. I ordered onion rings and those were amazing. I ended up having a couple beers while having a great time.


I still have one last speech to do tomorrow, a persuasive speech. I have yet to choose a topic. I am so bad at deciding on things yet I hate rules. I guess I should get started on that…(I will probably watch tv). Well, have a good night everyone. I will try to write more tomorrow. Be good to yourself and strive for excellence. Goodnight!

Advertisements

Im Okay

To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,

One Last Push

We live in a cruel cruel world where people can only save themselves. But what if someone doesn’t want to be saved? What if the emptiness of being alone is too deep? At some point one can only handle their hearts being broken so many times. My feelings are always wrong to have. I do not have a purpose in this life, my only purpose was to give couples children and I have done that. As a child it was to be just a fuck toy for perverts. I am always upsetting and disappointing everyone around me. I do not see my daughter much these days. She does not need me. This week is her birthday, talk about feeling extra inferior with all the presents everyone is able to give her. I am happy for her though, she will never know poverty or welfare. She will never be a stupid loser who always has people give her that look of disappointment. It is easier to be alone. This is all too familiar. There is really no room for me in their lives anyways. The ticking has stopped but I can not sense anything ahead of me. I feel almost a weird sense of relief in a way, but I do not know why. This is my last push to survive.

Well, This one Sucks

I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.


It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.


The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.


There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.


I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.

Crossroads

I should probably make a clear explanation of where all my anxiety is coming from. I feel trapped as we all know. Work wise, I can’t stand my coworker, even when she is having a good day. Honestly, the nicer she is to me the more I know she is talking shit about me. Not that it overly bothers me about that, it’s just she carries so much negativity, I can literally sense her coming. With how stressful of a person she is I would think her life expectancy should be shorter…but here she is. Another area of stress is school. Not that any of my classes are overly hard this semester since I gave myself a load with breathing room, but balancing it with work and than thinking about the future. I am running out of classes to take online for my degree. The classes that are needed on campus will not work with school. I would think there would be more evening classes given at the university but none that would work with my schedule. Classes that are required are during our busiest days and/or times. I see three options at the moment:

  1. I could switch my degree plan and major in something different. What that would be I do not know, I enjoy learning about the mind. Is it worth switching my degree for a workplace where I am mentally stressed by the time I get home because of such a nasty coworker?
  2. I could find a different job, one that is flexible and will work with my school schedule. However, most anything flexible is some bullshit customer service type job, and as much as I like learning about the mind, I don’t do well with stupidity. But if my partner here makes me hate this job so much and dread coming to work, is it worth it? My manager doesn’t do anything and in all honestly I feel he may be afraid of her like everyone else. I would have to look for something that pays around the same wage since I don’t want to stress about being short on money. I want to comfortably still pay bills and have food and buy my pets what they need, plus other basic necessities. This will also entail possibly not being able to move out of my current apartments. I can move because by the time I am ready to switch jobs I would already have a new lease signed somewhere, but than I will really need a minimum amount of income I can make, which I am not sure how many there are here that pay me what I get currently. I could care less about retirement and whatnot, just insurance. I don’t want that to cost hundreds a month either.
  3. I can stay at my job and leave school after the next semester. After all, I have great benefits and good pay. It is safe. Maybe less stress too because there will be no school work. But than will I be happy? Or would I feel like I just stayed where I was comfortable and always look back and wonder “what if”? What about people I could have helped? Could I have made a difference in someones life who needed me and ended up not having the help they needed? Mental health units are very overcrowded and not enough therapists. But than with that comes the question, who do I want to help? Where do I want to make a difference at?

I feel like there is something I am missing that is right in front of me.


A friend of mine as well as a follower have suggested finding some sort of spiritual center. I do not believe in god but I do believe in the spiritual world. I believe that if god exists than he is honestly bigger than the human mind can comprehend. There always has to be someone bigger. I have really been getting into the book I mentioned before, the one that a follower sent me. I feel like there isn’t much time to meditate or study anything more than I am, I should try though.


Eating Wise

Eggs, bacon, and coffee for breakfast. This always seems to cheer up my moods in the morning. I love taking my Biotin, it’s a nice little sweetness for my morning. I am in such a good mood often when I wake up…it’s when I get to work than I start feeling anxious. I have another coworker who does verifying for us who says he dreads coming to the shipping room because he doesn’t know how my partner will be. Maybe I do need to leave eventually. Today is payday, I plan on having a nice chicken bacon salad for lunch. I need to get to Costco today also, I haven’t gone grocery shopping like I have wanted lately so I will today.


Drinking Wise

Not much has changed from last night, I drink a lot of water and coffee. I am really getting back into my tea’s. I am thinking of buying some bubbles tonight though and taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. It all depends on how much homework I get done. I want to deep clean some too because it will be a warm enough weekend I can open my windows and let some fresh air in.


My daughters mom and I are very much alike. Normally it’s a very good thing, we get along great. There are times though that we are too much alike and will hold everything in that bothers us and than let it out all at once. Not only do we do this, we also take everything each other says very personally. For two people who constantly talk, we suck at communication also. I am sure my daughters dad senses these things when they happen, maybe not all, I am sure its confusing if he does. It is funny, my daughters mom and I can be mad at each other but still have the need to talk to each other also. We all have a weird dynamic it seems like.


I get to go to the doctor soon for my finger. It looks so much better. Still a bit yellowish but can definitely tell where flesh is fully forming. I am excited to have it healed. I want to work out again but can only do cardio for the time being. I went to the chiropractor the other day, ah my hips feel amazing still. I have to start on another essay today. I won’t leave too early today I don’t think. I still want my full 40 hours. I am drinking lots of water today, I feel a bit bloated, I ate quite a bit of sodium yesterday. Bacon is so good though.


Well, I had better get some work done. Thank you everyone for butting up with my bipolar mood swings…maybe it is a bit comedic? Either way, I am sorry if I cannot be a role model. I try to be perfect, I just always fail. Well, the air is bitter but the sun is shining, so I will go do my best to enjoy the day. It’s a Friday after all. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves, I am trying.

Ready for the Silence

At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.


It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.


My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.


My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.


Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.

There’s Nothing

I am starting to think these feelings are permanent. I feel myself building walls and pulling away. I don’t like feeling anxious and sad. It was my own fault for trying. I have only ever been wanted to the extent of a fuck or too late and told sorry, normally still after a fuck ironically. Although if that’s the only time I am touchable than what happens when I no longer let anyone? I suppose I am just alone as always. I am not sure how much longer I have here. I am stuck any way I turn these days. I feel like life will again one day make the pure happiness a taste and that whisk it all away. There are no longer paths, not even one. All I feel is an end, to what, I don’t know. I just don’t feel or sense anything ahead and for me, that is off.

%d bloggers like this: