Mania

All Over

Well, its a new day, the sun is shining and its actually above zero this morning. There were a couple hiccups with my rental agency due to misinformation but I have that squared away. I just had to switch around dates for bills. I am being optimistic and not freaking out over the smallest inconvenience.


Day 3 of Month of Sobriety

Sooo…maybe there are a few withdrawal sides I am experiencing. Yesterday I spent the day feeling weird. I drank a lot of water but I had an ache gross feeling a lot of the day. Its like I had a weird pressure in my head and neck. I am not sure this can all be contributed to keeping food down. I am thinking maybe I was just detoxing my body with all the water I was drinking. I had my night time tea and even though it knocked me out fairly quickly I still woke up quite a few times sweaty. So, I am thinking my sleep patterns are fairly off, which makes sense because I am used to staying up till midnight or later playing video games. My head is fairly full this morning so I am downing the liquids again. I had a hot cup of green tea right away because I have read this is good for detoxing. I don’t really have any shakes or anything, so maybe this is all my body doing a normal detox. I need to get myself straight before school starts next week, at least have some sort of self control.


Eating Wise

Well, I have been sticking to my meat and veggies, not a lot of cheese since I have realized by body doesn’t digest it the best without eating a crap load of veggies first. I haven’t taken a shit in a couple days now so I took another probiotic this morning and had a cup of smooth move tea. Tomorrow is payday so I can buy some more veggies with a higher fiber content.


Bailey had one of his meet-ups last night, he hasn’t been going to daycare lately so I need to start that back up. I like him to socialize some, and at the meet-ups I can awkwardly socialize since I have trouble socializing on demand. He will be going to daycare tomorrow and is having his first Spa Day on Monday!


I went to bed fairly early last night, before 9 but stayed up awhile reading while drinking my night time tea. I am reading The Outsider right now, it seems to be starting out slow. It is a little frustrating that my reading skill suck because I used to really enjoy reading. I will probably go to bed early again tonight since tomorrow is hockey. Maybe this weekend I will even get to the gym. It honestly all depends on how my tummy is doing. Monday school starts back up. I am excited for that.


So todays blog has been fairly all over the place since I have written it throughout the day. My tummy is very full, maybe a little too full, so I am going to make some tea and read. I went another day without purging, however, there may have been a little binge, but on salad and chicken. I am getting there. Good night my peeps.

 

Advertisements

Beautiful Day

“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

How much have I let my past control my life? All the parties, sex, money spending, cutting, developing my eating disorder, for 28 years I let my childhood control who I became and from then on it controlled how I responded to stress and anxiety. My daughter saved my life but I do not know when the fight to survive really came. For the longest time it was surviving for her but now I am surviving for myself.

I cut my hair yesterday. It held too much negative energy from this past year. I see it as letting go. I feel so much weight taken off.

I believe hair does contain energy in a way, not exactly magical. But hair is pretty much dead cells from our bodies. If our bodies have stress and we don’t take care of ourselves, our hair reflects that. So now that I have built myself up extremely it was time to cut my hair and let the year go.


Eating/Drinking

These always go hand in hand it seems like. I keep food down in the morning but by noon I feel a need to B/P for no real reason other than habit. I am trying to incorporate a variety of fruits into my diet since I am sure my electrolytes are off balance a lot. I do not want my body to be craving a nutrient and that be a reason why I B/P. Pineapple is so good. I think a weakness probably comes from lack of sleep as well. My sleeping is off balance. I am trying to get it back on track but its hard when I am not exactly sure when it has ever been a healthy amount. I sleep when I get sick otherwise I work all day, do homework, and than relax with wine way too late. I just need to tell myself to go to bed. I suppose that is part of the self control I need to develop more. I feel my bad habits trying desperately to hold on but I am pulling away easier day by day.

“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”


I am still trying to be optimistic about my finances. It will all be okay. Currency is funny but a great way to control a population. I feel my mind trying to break free as if its been molded to think certain ways to fit in with society. I feel like my eyes are seeing more then they used to.


I should get to work eventually. I also need to write my speech today also. Ugh, always procrastinating. Well, have a great day everyone!

 

Cute

Also….How cute are the boys?

Optimism

“You only fail when you stop trying”

“Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of each step you take toward reaching that goal.”

This was quoted by our Vice President. It is a little inspiring when trying to achieve excellence and to better oneself.. Our company is doing extremely well and growing very fast so its unlimited overtime right now. I am happy to be a part of this company, its nice to have a job I can take pride in and not always have to be waiting to deal with management. Management is very respectful here. I am lucky to have a job that I enjoy and am proud of but I do not have my life centered around it. I think too many people look for fulfillment in work and forget about living their life as a whole.


I am trying to be optimistic about finances. I do not think we will be getting a Christmas bonus at work and I was sort of really hoping on that for getting ahead. I am not too terribly in the hole, I just won’t get where I wanted to be. I just need to keep on pushing, I know I will make it to where I want to be financially eventually. I signed up to be a human guinea pig for a study. Since no one has taken my previous shitty apartment, our company won’t be giving out a Christmas bonus, and I wont be getting as much back from my college dispersement as I was hoping, finances just became a bit more difficult.


Funny side story of how my mind works. I went out to eat with my daughters mom tonight. It was a tavern neither of us had ever tried before. I briefly looked at the menu online and thought it looked good, the typical foods of pizza, burgers, salads, and pasta. Well, when we got there it seemed a bit loud, after all, it was a tavern. It was very pretty but took about 20 minutes for us to get sat since its new and popular. Well, everything was going okay until I looked at the menu. I am already a very indecisive person but the menu was mostly BYO. It had BYO pizza, BYO salads, and  BYO burgers. There were tons of choices for each section as well. The table had slips to fill out for the BYO.  It took me quite a while to look through the menu so I decided I would just build my own burger, safe and cheap. I thought about the pizza but there was no size so I didn’t know how good of a deal I was getting and I didn’t know how well the salad was chopped up. I chose a burger, bun, cheese, lettuce leaf, tomatoes, pickles, and then I got to the onions. There were raw onions or caramelized onions. If I chose caramelized onions than I would be better off choosing the shredded lettuce instead and using a special sauce but then it would taste weird with the tomatoes and pickles. If I took those off then I would want a pretzel bun rather than a croissant bun. I would also than need to change the cheese. But than if I chose the raw onions than I would literally be paying 13$ for a regular cheeseburger. BUT THEN I saw onion strings and if I chose onion strings then I would want bacon and the special bbq sauce but then would need to change the cheese again and add coleslaw. But if I did that then I should change it from a hamburger patty to a crispy chicken patty. All of a sudden my mind couldn’t think straight and the room started getting really loud and I got really cold and lightheaded and felt like crying because of the stupid onions. I then started thinking about the time and how I was feeling so rushed because my daughter would need to be going to bed in a couple hours and it would take me an hour to just choose my toppings. I ended up calming down and getting a burger that was already on the menu, it was very good. I ordered onion rings and those were amazing. I ended up having a couple beers while having a great time.


I still have one last speech to do tomorrow, a persuasive speech. I have yet to choose a topic. I am so bad at deciding on things yet I hate rules. I guess I should get started on that…(I will probably watch tv). Well, have a good night everyone. I will try to write more tomorrow. Be good to yourself and strive for excellence. Goodnight!

Im Okay

To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,

Ethical Contemplating

For Ethics this past week we had to contemplate whether or not assisted suicide should be legal and if so, to what extent. Many of my classmates said it was okay to let someone die if they were in misery health wise but not mental, but could not really give an explanation as to why. There were also many who said that people who commit suicide have mental issues and should seek professional help. I am thinking many of my classmates don’t realize how near impossible it is to get quality health care when you can’t afford health insurance. Also, many people who  grew up in unstable poor homes are often times the ones who need the mental health care the most. The reality is though that our country is beyond broke and programs that can help the poor are over booked so it got me to brainstorming a solution for those wanting to die. First, make assisted suicide legal but in a five part program mode.

Step 1: A person who is suicidal goes into the doctor and says they are ready to die. The doctor books an appointment four months out to be put to sleep and also an appointment for mental therapy. The patient and doctor go over health and mental questionnaires, the main stuff we all know who have been to a doctor for any sort of mental healthcare. Of course there will be pamphlets on support groups and whatnot.

2. About a month later there will be an appointment to go over the reality of death, the permanency and what happens to the body in death. Another health and mental screening will be done, not that it overly matters since the patient will still have free will. It is mainly just a check up and to have the patient be self aware of how they are doing.

3. The next month another appointment will happen, this one to go over spiritual beliefs. This is to not have someone “find god,” or any of that, but to find oneself. Whether one believes in god, spirits, or nothing, everyone should know where their spiritual beliefs lie before death.

4. The next meeting will be another month later, this will be done with family and friends. It is not necessarily an intervention, but a time to let all loved ones know what is coming and to prepare. Ideally suicide would have already been brought up, but in case it hasn’t, it forces reality to come out. This is also to help words come out so people are not left with words to say but no one to say them to because the person who they are for is dead. It is also a time for the suicidal person to see who all they are impacting before they die.

5. The fourth and last meeting will be done a month later. By this time, a person has had four months to contemplate. They know what happens to their bodies, they have hopefully come to terms with their beliefs, and their loved ones have had time to prepare. Their last appointment they can die being surrounded by loved ones or they can  choose to live and go to their therapy appointment that was scheduled. I think having an exact date of death will help people from making a rash decision to blow their heads off. I do not think anyone really wants to go out that way, but when you are in a depressive mindset, the pain seems never ending. This way however, an end date is known so maybe rash decisions won’t be made.

This is not to try to encourage people to commit suicide, but to get them down to reality. It also gives loved ones a chance to say goodbye and hopefully have closure. It also protects loved ones from finding their daughter, son, sibling, parent, or any other loved one dead in a gruesome sort of way. It gives time for a therapy session to be made. If the person still deicides to go through with the suicide, more than likely they would have killed themselves sooner or later. At least a loved one will not have to have that brutal image in their minds for the rest of their lives.


Well, I thought my last weeks ethics was interesting so I thought I would share it with everyone. This assignment did cause me to brainstorm upon the matter.


Today was a long rough day. My finger is all good though except for the outer layer of skin forming. All my restrictions have been taken off, I am going to miss my doctor.  I ran around nonstop today. I am waiting to hear that I screwed up somewhere. I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. I have been feeling like I have forgotten something for a couple weeks now. Maybe it is just stress and waiting to forget something.


BLAHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGG! Well…thats all for today folks….I am going to watching a show or something and than hit the hay! Also…this morning our coffee machine wasn’t working….I didn’t get coffee till almost 9am. It was a sad….sluggish….morning. Tea just doesn’t do the trick at times. Goodnight everyone!

Bomb Diggity

Fat Louie, Mr. Cooper

Just Keep on Going

The only guarantee we have in life is death. No one is promised love, equality, rights, or warmth. It is almost a sick game of luck we played before this life. Maybe we played sticks and the shortest stick got the ideal life.


My tummy had a rough day. Since I haven’t been going number two because of a crappy week of binging and purging I decided to take a laxative, because once I was keeping food down again it felt like it was just getting stuck and my tummy couldn’t digest. This hurt a lot and bad enough I was vomiting also. I need to start taking my probiotics again. I feel everything taking a greater toll on my body. Oh well, it is a process.


Today was a busy day. Bailey didn’t get to go to his daycare because I didn’t realize he needed a shot to protect him against kennel cough. I got a little annoyed at first but than told myself they are just trying to protect the pups from a contagious disease. I did feel bad for him a little because he started getting excited when he heard the other pups and than we had to leave which he seemed fairly disappointed. I made an appointment for him on Friday to get situated with the vet my cats. I have been meaning to get him all settled in but just haven’t gotten around to it so I suppose now is the time. So hopefully he will start on Monday.


I am trying to keep my head up. I have made it past midterms so that is good. I am over halfway done with the semester, and still have an A and two B’s…however one of those B’s is in speech and the professor hasn’t graded any assignments other than what is automatically computer graded for quizzes, I feel like I should have an A after its all graded. I will soon be able to sign up for next semester classes. I am not sure if I want to keep the same workload or to start challenging myself a bit more. Work is steady and evening out now that we are moved. I suppose it all depends on what classes I take, I like to even it out between easier and harder.


Well, I worked over 10 hours today so I am pooped. I am going to watch a movie or something and relax. My body is very weak tonight. I need to take better care of myself. Well, have a good night peeps. Sleep well.

Bailey!

Well, This one Sucks

I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.


It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.


The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.


There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.


I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.

%d bloggers like this: