Molestation

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

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Beginning to Live

It is and interesting feeling when you have the world wide open to you but are still stuck in your mind. I am my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My strength can help me create a difference in the world but my weakness can kill me young. 


Why do I purge? I can go days without doing so but than I have that moment of insecurity or stress and it is a comfort I have had for over a decade. I do not NEED to throw up, it is really habit. I have been doing a lot better since sticking with veggies and meat, I do not really crave sugar anymore unless I let myself get overly hungry. I feel a lot better about myself. I feel healthier. I do eat more processed foods than I would like such as bacon and sausage. Eventually once I get to a healthy BMI and am able to work out again, I will start incorporating a fruit or two a day and than cut back on processed foods. I have some breathing room with it since its very little carbs. However once fruit is added I will no longer be in keto and will need to start eating cleaner. I do feel it taking a harder toll on my esophagus, it hurts a lot more sometimes. I know I am still as healthy as I am though because I am a fast healer.


I did not post yesterday because I was busy with my daughter and her parents. I have been really missing them lately, especially my daughter. I can at least message and talk to her parents all day but not really her since ya know, she’s barely even two yet. I have been so busy with work and school I feel like I don’t get much time with her these days, not anywhere that I used to anyways. It’s not anyones fault, it’s just life right now. Her grandpa hasn’t been in the best of health lately either so her parents have been busy helping family also and her dad is working two jobs at the moment. It’s just a hectic time for everyone and of course she is at the wonderful stage of tantrums and not sleeping so her mom isn’t getting normal sleep either. It sucks because my daughter is very much a part of me, I need her in some weird sense, our bond never did break after the adoption. Yesterday I babysat her for awhile while her parents went to run errands. It was nice, we watched some tv, played with toys, played outside, than I rocked her till she fell asleep, which she fell asleep right away. I hummed “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” this is my favorite Christmas song. I often hummed and sang this while I was pregnant with her. We had a really good time. Later on we invited friends over to watch hockey and than play Mario Party, it was a lot of fun. The whole day was really good. Today I slept in till 11ish. I went thrift shopping and then went over to visit my daughter and her parents. We just chilled and played because her dad hurt his back. I forgot to eat and became kinda weak and lightheaded a bit but we had a good dinner. It was a good busy weekend.


Tomorrow is the day we meet with the adoption agency and talk to other aspiring parents. I am not sure how this will go but I am going to do my best to be honest and comfortable. I do think it is important for aspiring parents to understand the view of the birthmother. The social worker who handled our adoption process emailed her parents a list of questions that will be asked. They aren’t overly invasive, just a lot of feelings and our story. My goal is to be as informative as possible on a birthmothers end and to help try to understand what can be going through a birthmothers mind. There are many emotions involved and I wouldn’t want aspiring parents to be put off or wary of having open adoptions because a birth mother may be difficult, after all, difficult can stem from being scared. So, I will do my best to help inform.


My finger is healing very well. I have almost a full range of motion and sensation. The doctor was really surprised with how fast I healed. I am going to hopefully try to get to the gym this week. I picked up OT for the next few months on Mondays. Because I am getting OT at the beginning of the week I am going to try to get Bailey to some more playdates if possible. I feel like I have been neglecting him lately. I feel bad and want to do better,


I think I suck at keeping friends and do not have much to offer the ones that I do. All I do have is being there to listen and offer any advice I can. I did that with a close friend today, the one whom I have talked about how we started on bad ends with the union. I am happy she is in my life. We are very similar in ways, especially with our dedication to the union. In the end I obviously couldn’t do the job due to my back and knee injury, but it was an interesting change with us. While I was at the post office we talked but it was always union related. Now we have become friends on a more personal level and I am grateful for this. She has positively impacted my life and I have looked up to her for a long time.


Well, the clock is about midnight and I want to get this post out today. I do not like missing days however I seem to be a little lately, but that is a good thing in a way because I am missing posts because I am living. I should get to bed soon. I am watching a movie right now while cuddling with Bailey. I hope everyone has a good night, sleep well.

Ready for the Silence

At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.


It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.


My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.


My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.


Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.

Infection

Today was a lot better emotionally than yesterday, however my coworker had to tick me off pretty bad. So, we all know she’s a bitch, and not the good kind either, she’s the dangerous kind. She is the kind that will feed off everyones negativity, meaning, if someone is having a problem she will always be there to talk, but not just talk, but to instigate. For example, lets say a coworker comes up and says they got assigned to do something they aren’t looking forward to but its part of their job, no big deal right? Just a little complaining, everyone does it. This kind of lady though will feed on that and start talking about the person who assigned the project and whatever else he is doing wrong and of course he has to be lazy. All of a sudden this small task that wasn’t a big deal is now more extreme and unfair. One can ask, well than why go to her for problems? Because we are human, and bitching is always easy and its far easier to get into the tarpit than to acknowledge maybe we can be wrong. This dangerous kind is also the kind who will be nice when she needs something. It is kind of funny how nasty she can be behind others backs but than so nice to them directly. She will spread this tar like an infection because everyone has problems and everyone has an opinion of the right and wrong way to do things. Most of us naturally quickly shrug off a problem once we have had our say without any infection happening,  however once this nastiness starts, it’s really hard to stop. People become miserable and feel they hate their jobs, except, they don’t really. If they stopped to breath and to watch from the outside, they could see where this bitterness comes from. It is a lot easier to bitch and gossip than to take this step but when one does, that infection is easy to trace. Once a person does this however, they realize how much calmer they are.


It wasn’t a good day with my partner, however I think I am going to have a talk with her and my manager together. I don’t feel like playing these games anymore. I will just have to be straight up with how I am feeling. She has been getting worst now that she sees I will not listen to her. That is okay, because once an infection is realized, one can do what they need to treat it. I can not say it will change for anyone else, but for me, yes. My finger is doing okay, it’s burning and itching off an on but it looks like it is healing well. I find it funny however that the day it decides to stop bleeding I become the next bloody mary with my cycle.


I will leave this post short since I want to get to bed. I want to be better to myself. I need to find where the infections are in my life. I will try to get better at blogging. I have ideas in my head but I have been so stressed from work that I can barely even concentrate on homework. I will not let this happen anymore. I just have to stand up for myself and tell her to fuck off….in the nicest work way possible. Well, goodnight everyone.

Who Am I?

I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of two versions of myself. The first is the victim whos every move was a ripple effect of trauma and survival. The second is a future survivor who has beat all odds to become someone great. I feel as if I am in some sort of limbo at the moment.

I have always had trouble coming out of my shell and now I have opened myself up to the world, some may have critiqued, while many I know became followers whom I know hope I succeed. I just am not exactly sure what I hope to succeed on. Blogging has become great therapy for me, it has been a way to get my story out to the world, it also helped me find a lot more about myself. The hypnotherapy sort of sealed areas of me. I know I still have a couple sessions to do in January and I am looking forward to that. I have not had the little girl come out, I do not even feel her because she is a part of me now. I feel full but not tummy wise. It is a feeling in my chest and mind region. I feel like I am becoming whole.


Eating Wise

I ate great today and only semi purged once. I stuck to my meats, veggies, and a couple low carb snacks. I feel my tummy working. I always feel better with this way of eating as I have mentioned before. I also drank a lot of water.


What I Did For Myself

I took Bailey for a couple walks today and played fetch with him quite a bit. I still cannot do much in terms of exercise. I hope the doctor can do something tomorrow that will help my finger heal faster. I want to work out. I have noticed since strictly eating veggies and meat my knees feel a lot better. I also a did a ton of laundry today and washed all the boys blankets. I like that I am lucky enough to have non- shedding pets. I enjoyed time with my daughter and her parents. My daughters grandfather is not in the best of health these days so it is nice to try to be there the best I can for her parents.


Well, I have been typing a lot for school work the past few days and I would like to give my finger a break. I do find it very interesting how easy it is to learn to work without a finger. Even with typing my middle finger takes the place of my index finger fairly easily. Either way, this week should be a fairly busy week so I am going to hit the hay. I promise to be good to myself…as I mentioned yesterday, I just have to repeat this to myself ten times a day. I am not sure why ten, it just seemed like a good number.

 Well, Goodnight

Where do I go?

Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?

I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions. 


I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.


 Eating Wise

This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.


I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.


What I am Doing for Myself Today

I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies.  I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.


Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.

Hypnotherapy

I had a fairly hungover feeling all morning. Last night I was exhausted and was in bed by 8pm. I feel like I am getting rid of something and the best way I can explain it is drinking tons of water to get rid of a hangover, even though I haven’t been drinking much, and the past three days, not at all. This afternoon I feel pretty good, but still drinking a lot of water.

 


Hypnotherapy

We all know I went through my first hypnotherapy session yesterday, and maybe this was part of the reason I was exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible though, and was even having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.

When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head had been silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. I had already been kinda brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.

So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because with how smart I am, I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, none the less reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. I am still trying to process a lot of it. After that I felt in a weird haze for a couple hours. Like that feeling of waking up and needing coffee. Except I had coffee, and I was very hungry so I ate. I felt weird all day and than became very exhausted, thus why I did not blog much last night. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold yesterday morning. I went to my daughters mom’s home complaining about this. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, is I was not sick at all after the session. My throat was fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session and than felt exhausted and went to bed early.


I did not b/p today. I did purge a little, however it was some salad and it was because my tummy was really hurting, not an excuse I know, but it’s okay. I didn’t b/p yesterday either. In fact, that little bit of salad today was all I did. We all know I have been trying to eat low carb but I had a hotdog, a little bit of chips (daughter stole them) and some popcorn (daughter stole this too!) along with a couple beers, but I kept it all down. I felt different today. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I went to the gym today and I think I may have ran too hard because that is when I started feeling sick. I felt so light though and like my mind and body were so much lighter. This makes sense between the hypnotherapist and chiropractor. I should be careful on this and steadily work myself back up into shape. I just felt so different was all.


Well, it is late and I would like to get this blog published before midnight, since I publish everyday. I was busy with work and school today, I took my psychology exam. It went okay, I still have an A in the class LOL. I went to the last scrimmage game before the hockey season starts for good. I am taking care of some kitties for friends while they are out of town so went over to their house after the game. It was a busy day but it was good. My main goal for tonight was to at least tell everyone about my session. It was interesting. You all have a great night, it is Friday after all. Be good to yourself, as I am doing to me.

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