Drained

You ever have those nightmares you cannot get out of? You know your dreaming and you know it’s going to get really bad and so you force yourself to wake up, but your not really awake. So than you force your self awake again, but again, you feel awake but you know you aren’t, you are just trapped and you just have to keep on running. Normally when I get really afraid and I know something bad is going to happen is when I can really wake myself up. I have wondered though what would happen if I didn’t? Is that what a coma feels like? If I was truly lost in my mind it would be a nightmare; a coma of continuous nightmares. I suppose they are not always bad though, my vivid dreams. They are so beautiful sometimes, so beautiful I would be happy if I never woke up. Whatever the dream though, the vivid ones I have take so much out of me, I wake up and feel as if I never slept. It’s a good thing dreams can’t kill lol.


Today is gloomy, we should be having a chain of gloomy days for a bit. Five years ago I came to this city to have an abortion at 24, that day was as gloomy as today. I knew back then I wanted to be here. From there on I always had this place as my goal to get to. Now I am here, the air smells the same and the sky looks the same as that day but it doesn’t feel like the same place as I visited five years ago. I recognize everything but everything is still new and unfamiliar in ways. Maybe it is me, I am different after all, but also not. I am still trying to hold on, I am still waiting for the end of this broken mind.


Goals, I have to keep goals, thats the only way of success and fully recovering.

  1. Get out of debt
  2. Fix teeth completely
  3. Be healthy

Those are my three big goals. A second job will really help with me getting out of debt. I need to pay down my consolidation loan. That alone would save me $360 a month once that is out of the way. There is a little over 8k left on it. I would like to pay off my root canal sooner too since that is $142 a month till November. I am noticing pain in my upper right molar, sharp pain, so I am thinking that may eventually need a root canal as well. Hopefully it can last till my insurance renews next year. I am thinking I need to be prepared in case I have to have it done right away though. Being healthy means continuing my personal trainer. It also means having the funds to buy healthy food. A second job will also help this. Being mentally healthy is having less stress which all I am doing right now is stressing over finances. I am thinking this second job is inevitable, I have to try it. I can do this, I have to.


“Use your words Kateri”

“What if there are no words to explain what I feel?”

But theres always words…isn’t there?…


Coffee seems to be helping my body wake up. I feel different. Ugh I feel like I am hungover in a way even though I am not. I feel like I could sleep for a months strait.


Hello new reader!

Hello old readers coming back, I recognize you.


I do not have much more to say. I am not sure how often I will read my book, maybe once a week? Idk, it seemed awkward. Siiiigh…I should be productive. Have a good day everyone! Be good to yourselves 🙂

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Happy Mothers Day

I cannot get this nightmare out of my head, it still feels so real four days later.

I am at this beautiful lake with my daughters mom. The sky is a deep blue, the air smells sweet, and birds chirp in the distance. The shore of the lake is made up of red bricks, it looks purple when the water would wave onto them. The day was warm with a slight breeze. We jumped off the dock into the water and had a real fun time. The dock is like a regular dock except at the end with a circular platform, maybe so more people could sit with their feet in the water? We said we will take our daughter next time we come. Then the dream fast forwards, there were things that happened in between but nothing I can really make sense of. The sky is an ugly brownish blue and the air is hot. My daughters mom and I walk onto the dock with other unfamiliar people. As I am walking bugs are trying to bite at my feet through the dock. The lake has dried up so much the dock no longer reaches it. She tells me she’s happy we did not bring our daughter this time. I agree. The foliage is all dried up around the lake, the air is silent. Everything is ugly. The ladders off the dock lead to nothing but red brick. We climb down the ladder, other people are already in front of us looking out ahead. The sun is setting in front of us, making the sky a deep red. The bricks feel hot and sting my feet a little. The air smells like sulfur. We walk with everyone else towards the remainder of the lake, silently but with a shared realization the earth is finally dead. I keep seeing the black figures of people in front of me walking into the sun surrounded by red.


There was a lot that happened in my dream from beginning to end, I was so feverish though so I do not remember anything else. I still see this dream in particular in my head though, its so clear as if it really happened. I still feel the sadness and fear. I have dreamt of this place before, not this setting though. There is a dream world where I have gone since as far back as I can remember. Sometimes it is fun, other times it is scary. I met my grandma here before she died. We were sitting on a log on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful scenery. She was a lot younger, probably my age. We didn’t speak, she just smiled and I knew she would be happy. At the time she was dying in hospice. She died not too long after that dream. There was a house I used to play in in the woods in this dream world. It was over ran by nature but had thick glass windows made up of square glass. It was old an abandoned. I would get there from my grandmas house, she had woods around her and I would run through them and find this house to play in. I went there quite a few times as a kid. There have also been times I have seen terrible things here, I guess this was just another time. I probably am a good candidate for dementia.


I am making my daughters mom cookies for Mothers Day. They are delicious. Baking is one of the few things I am actually somewhat good at.

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I am feeling a lot better physically today. My sickness has turned into a cold I think. I can live with that. I am still a bit drained but thats okay. Back to normal tomorrow, after all, I have my personal trainer in the morning. Happy Mothers Day to any moms (includes birthmothers) 🙂