Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.
Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.
Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.
Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.
Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.
Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.
Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.
Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.
Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.
Cliche#9: I will try my best to find good in any day
Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.
So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.
2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety
So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.
Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.
Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
In order for one to be happy, don’t they need happy times? If I cannot think of a single happy moment in my childhood and very few in my teen years and adulthood, than to take the emotion out of everything bad, what is left? Happiness from since my daughter was born? To take the negative emotion out of 26 years, will there be anything left of me?
Sometimes trying to keep a positive attitude and hopeful is exhausting. I do not have it in me to always be happy and optimistic. I’ll give it one last shot with this hypnotherapy, but I do not want to put so much faith into it either. Although it’s exhausting trying over and over again. It’s exhausted to even wake up some days and than to have to put on a smile.
A&P is stressing me out. I hate that I had to take a science class that I will never need. Frick load of money for the class none the less the books and I have to take it merely for the fact that I need a science that can transfer. Generals are a rip off for the most part. I was lucky that I took my math’s and English’s I needed before, otherwise I would be doing those again also. I have to say I have never used algebra or trigonometry since taking the classes.
Deleting the Trigger
So I decided to withdraw from my anatomy class, as clearly it was stressing me out. It has been stressing me out for awhile actually. I enjoy school a lot and I didn’t want to take that class to begin with. I wanted to start out small and steady since I hadn’t been in school for almost five years. So I dropped the lecture and lab. I still am taking my Ethics, Developmental Psychology, and Speech like I originally intended. That is okay with me. I do not want my other grades to suffer because I am too stressed with the Anatomy. My original plan was to retake a Biology that I didn’t withdraw from way back when and let fail. I want to retake that in a face to face lecture so I can get a good grade since I know I can get a good grade in that class. I let the orientation lady talk me into being full time even though I knew inside I wasn’t ready for that. I still work full time and am still working on myself obviously. I went a bit nuts a little earlier because I had been dreading the Anatomy test coming up. I feel a lot better now. School is once again fun and I am on the track I feel I should have been on all along.
When I felt I was going crazy earlier I ended up climbing into bed and trying to get to the dream world or whatever it is. I felt I was close. I could feel my body there but my mind was still not concentrating right. I am not sure I should be trying yet, but it is fun regardless. It also calmed me and made me realize what I needed to do about school.
I feel a lot better now. I have adjusted my schedule accordingly with my classes and work now. I am very happy with my decision. If I have triggers than I need to take care of them. I knew that if I kept the load on that I had, than it could cause a worst trigger later on. I am hopeful again, very hopeful. I feel like myself. I feel a lot lighter actually. I have been looking at different gyms to join since my work insurance will reimburse it. My chiropractor felt amazing yesterday and now that I feel my body getting back into place, I feel like I can start working out again. I do not feel like a 50 year old lady, probably more lower thirties now. I am very excited to see how I feel at the end of the week. I am working on my mind and body. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be a whole new me, or at least a lot happier. I still wonder though, what all will be left if there is nothing negative? My daughter and her parents? I can live with that happily. I just don’t know what all happiness there is for the years prior to them. There has been a lot more that I haven’t talked about, not even with my daughters parents whom are closest to me. I imagine a lot of guilt is still there. Not from a personal stance, but because of the judging that comes from others. I suppose I should address some of these in the next few days. If I am going to be draining all the negative emotions, I need to start sooner than later.
Well peeps, I am going to watch tv and chill for a bit. I feel great now actually. Everyone have a good night. Stay safe and be good to yourself. Goodnight.
I woke up very off this morning and a tad bit emotional but physically feeling pretty well. I cannot wait till daylight savings time so its lighter earlier. I do get uneasy being out alone in the dark. I do not like the dark in general actually….but enjoy night time in some contradictory way. Normally I would get up earlier so I could take Bailey out for a walk, but since I work at 7 theres less time to do that these days now that my window of sunlight is smaller. I could try to do it during work but once we are in our new building I will not live next to work anymore so cannot just disappear for that amount of time.
I Have Got To Start Working On This Shit
I ate fairly well yesterday, I had a lot of salad and veggies plus some meats. This may sound a bit gross but I already had a bowel movement today. For some reason my body has always been somewhat superhuman when it has come to recovering and being healthy. The last time I tried recovering from my eating disorder was back in January. I dealt with a lot of bad bloat for a week but than my body was digesting food normally afterwards. I was doing really well for like two months, I kept food down and was enjoying everything I was eating. I even had a pizza/beer video game day. My body processed it all fine.
What caused me to start purging again was I got so hungover that I threw up. Once I had that feeling of vomiting, my body was hooked again. I drank hard the night before that day, but I also took in a lot more alcohol than normal because I wasn’t throwing it up. I normally have always binged while drinking and then purged after. I have mentioned before about almost drinking myself to death after I left the post office. I had no sense of self and could not find a point to my existence. There were many mornings I would wake up shaking and not able to talk right, none the less keep my thoughts on track, I kept forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence. I would take Zofran to get me through the work day. I could feel my body literally shutting down sometimes. My tummy would hurt so bad and I could barely move and I would have weird stiffness all over my body. I am not proud of those months, but I would never be where I am at now if I didn’t know what true hopelessness for myself felt like.
I know I am different these days, I am a lot stronger and have goals again. I have an ideal image of who I would like to be. Like I have said before, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and now I need to work on this eating disorder. I am very busy these days, I know I drank a lot also out of boredom in the past. I just finished off a bottle of wine last night that I bought four days ago. Even on a light drinking day I would go through a bottle of wine easily. I just have no time, and honestly that is okay with me. I don’t feel like I need it, and some nights I don’t even want it so I don’t. I almost feel normal, but I won’t let myself be fooled by that thought. I am not normal but I am fairly self intuitive.
My Mind is my Greatest Strength, but also my Greatest Weakness
I wish there were pictures of who I am today compared to five years ago. Five years ago I was a major party whore who gave up on life. I feel bad for her now. Its actually quite amazing when I think of how far I have come. If that girl were to see where she would end up, she honestly would not have believed it. I have learned to love from my daughter and her family as well as gained hope and inner strength. I have learned what real pride feels like from the post office and developed endurance and outer strength. There is nothing in my way right now to becoming who I want to be but myself.
Well, it is my Friday everyone, four day weekend, WHOOO! I have a lot of reading to do for school but with a four day weekend it will be no problem. My focus this weekend will be school, eating healthy, and relaxing. I do have laundry to do…Blah. I should do some fall cleaning now that I can open my windows. I think we are all going to the lake Saturday. Who knows what else this weekend will bring. Well, have a good day peeps.
First week of school coming to a close and let me tell you…..it was rough a rough week. I am finally getting caught back up to where I wanted to be academic wise (another words ahead). I admit for a while there I had the whole “its the end of the world” type thoughts running through me. I felt that since the first week of school went so wrong that it was a sign that I shouldn’t even be going. My daughters mom called me a fatalist for this, I took offense at the time but I suppose she was right. My car seems to be an easy fix. I had a coworker look at it and he says it just needs a new thermostat gasket. He builds cars on the side so I suppose I can trust his opinion. My migraine is all the way gone and my moods have stabilized. My back feels pretty good although my left knee is a bit on the sore side. It gave out on me last night but it is also the knee I destroyed carrying too heavy of mail. “Work smarter, not harder.” I wish I would have listened to this. I am excited to be in school and learning. This is a quick blog because I have been running around all day and when not running around I have been a lazy bum. So yeah, I feel okay and am optimistic and have control of myself again. Byebye. 🙂