phobia

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

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Too much Detail

11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Trying to Explain Myself

My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before  the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.


Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?


Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety

Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?


Eating Wise

Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.


I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.


I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.


I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%.  Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!

All Over

Well, its a new day, the sun is shining and its actually above zero this morning. There were a couple hiccups with my rental agency due to misinformation but I have that squared away. I just had to switch around dates for bills. I am being optimistic and not freaking out over the smallest inconvenience.


Day 3 of Month of Sobriety

Sooo…maybe there are a few withdrawal sides I am experiencing. Yesterday I spent the day feeling weird. I drank a lot of water but I had an ache gross feeling a lot of the day. Its like I had a weird pressure in my head and neck. I am not sure this can all be contributed to keeping food down. I am thinking maybe I was just detoxing my body with all the water I was drinking. I had my night time tea and even though it knocked me out fairly quickly I still woke up quite a few times sweaty. So, I am thinking my sleep patterns are fairly off, which makes sense because I am used to staying up till midnight or later playing video games. My head is fairly full this morning so I am downing the liquids again. I had a hot cup of green tea right away because I have read this is good for detoxing. I don’t really have any shakes or anything, so maybe this is all my body doing a normal detox. I need to get myself straight before school starts next week, at least have some sort of self control.


Eating Wise

Well, I have been sticking to my meat and veggies, not a lot of cheese since I have realized by body doesn’t digest it the best without eating a crap load of veggies first. I haven’t taken a shit in a couple days now so I took another probiotic this morning and had a cup of smooth move tea. Tomorrow is payday so I can buy some more veggies with a higher fiber content.


Bailey had one of his meet-ups last night, he hasn’t been going to daycare lately so I need to start that back up. I like him to socialize some, and at the meet-ups I can awkwardly socialize since I have trouble socializing on demand. He will be going to daycare tomorrow and is having his first Spa Day on Monday!


I went to bed fairly early last night, before 9 but stayed up awhile reading while drinking my night time tea. I am reading The Outsider right now, it seems to be starting out slow. It is a little frustrating that my reading skill suck because I used to really enjoy reading. I will probably go to bed early again tonight since tomorrow is hockey. Maybe this weekend I will even get to the gym. It honestly all depends on how my tummy is doing. Monday school starts back up. I am excited for that.


So todays blog has been fairly all over the place since I have written it throughout the day. My tummy is very full, maybe a little too full, so I am going to make some tea and read. I went another day without purging, however, there may have been a little binge, but on salad and chicken. I am getting there. Good night my peeps.

 

Another Direction

Could I one day feel normal?

Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?

Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?

Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?

 

3 Phobias

I have a deathly fear of insects. I have not always been this way. In fact I recall when I was seven and not being afraid at all. I was playing outside our camper one day (we had no home at this time so had to stay in a camper while my parents looked for a place to stay). One day I saw one of the “neighbors” outside in her garden (just a little one, she lived in a trailer also and had been there awhile) so I went to go say hi. She had a strange look on her face of fear so I asked what was wrong and she pointed towards her tomatoes. I looked down and there was a striped spider in a web on her tomatoes. Since she was afraid I said I would take it out and as I was about to she grabbed me and said it was a poisonous spider and to never touch it. I do not think I even understood what poisonous was at the time, just that it really scared her. Later on, we had found a house to rent. My toys were kept in the basement and I was playing one day with my barbies. I remember I felt something weird and looked down and there was a big striped spider crawling up me, it was close enough I could see all it’s eyes. I ran up the stairs screaming for my dad, he could not find it but I never went down to the basement alone again. I know my fear is completely environmental, whether or not there was a pinpoint of when it started I do not know. I recall also my brothers leaving me outside with bees after telling me they would sting me. Either way, my phobia has only become worst over the years.

I have a weird fear of fans. This is something that I have had since before my parents and I can remember. It is not every fan, more specifically bathroom fans I am able to see. The ones that freak me out the most are when they are the metal ones. However my parents and I can remember me being so afraid of using the bathroom in the camper because of the little white fan on the vent. I am somewhat okay with the camper fans as long as I do not look at them, they make me uneasy but that is about it. However if there is a fan in a bathroom I can see such as a gas station or old bathroom in a restaurant or store, I will have full blown anxiety. There is a humorous story with this phobia. One time when I was living in Bismarck my sister and mom came to visit me. We decided to go thrift shopping (because honestly thrift shopping is awesome!). Well one of the stores we went to was in an older building and I ended up having to use the bathroom. When I went to the restrooms I looked up and there was the most uncomfortable fan in a really tall ceiling. I felt my anxiety jump but figured I would go to the next one. There was a fan in this bathroom as well, however this ceiling was not as high but it caused my anxiety to jump a little more. I told my mom and sister I would wait, but then I really had to go. So my mom told my sister to come in with me. It took me forever to go in the bathroom, the fan was running which made everything worst. When my sister and I both got in she slowly shut the door, I wouldn’t let her close it fast. All of a sudden the lights shut off ( I am deathly afraid darkness) so I screamed my lungs out and flew out the door, luckily it was unlocked still. I remember I couldn’t breath and I felt very hot and lightheaded. I looked at my sister and she had the weirdest look of concern and humor on her face….and also a bit of “what the fuck just happened.” With all good intentions she had turned the light switch off thinking it would turn the fan off, instead it turned the lights and fan both off. I hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes, maybe more. I remember people were looking at me weird. I ended up going to the McDonalds across the street to use the bathroom. I do not know where this fear came from. I have asked my parents if anything has ever happened to me involving a fan but they cannot think of anything.

Another fear I have is of the dark. I feel this is a fairly normal fear as throughout history man has created fire for light at night. I do sleep in the dark but I always need to have some sort of light source on in the kitchen I can walk to. If I am going into a dark room I have to close my eyes. I have had many nightmares of being stuck in the dark. Red lights in the dark creep me out even more.

Any of these fears can cause me to feel like a kid again. I feel as defenseless as a scared little child. I can feel my moods change when this happens and my mind feels trapped. I know this is the BPD. I know that since I started experiencing a lot of abuse at a very young age my mind is still chemically imbalanced and is maturing at a slower rate when it comes handling fear, if at all. I do not know if this will ever change.


 

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