It is and interesting feeling when you have the world wide open to you but are still stuck in your mind. I am my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My strength can help me create a difference in the world but my weakness can kill me young.
Why do I purge? I can go days without doing so but than I have that moment of insecurity or stress and it is a comfort I have had for over a decade. I do not NEED to throw up, it is really habit. I have been doing a lot better since sticking with veggies and meat, I do not really crave sugar anymore unless I let myself get overly hungry. I feel a lot better about myself. I feel healthier. I do eat more processed foods than I would like such as bacon and sausage. Eventually once I get to a healthy BMI and am able to work out again, I will start incorporating a fruit or two a day and than cut back on processed foods. I have some breathing room with it since its very little carbs. However once fruit is added I will no longer be in keto and will need to start eating cleaner. I do feel it taking a harder toll on my esophagus, it hurts a lot more sometimes. I know I am still as healthy as I am though because I am a fast healer.
I did not post yesterday because I was busy with my daughter and her parents. I have been really missing them lately, especially my daughter. I can at least message and talk to her parents all day but not really her since ya know, she’s barely even two yet. I have been so busy with work and school I feel like I don’t get much time with her these days, not anywhere that I used to anyways. It’s not anyones fault, it’s just life right now. Her grandpa hasn’t been in the best of health lately either so her parents have been busy helping family also and her dad is working two jobs at the moment. It’s just a hectic time for everyone and of course she is at the wonderful stage of tantrums and not sleeping so her mom isn’t getting normal sleep either. It sucks because my daughter is very much a part of me, I need her in some weird sense, our bond never did break after the adoption. Yesterday I babysat her for awhile while her parents went to run errands. It was nice, we watched some tv, played with toys, played outside, than I rocked her till she fell asleep, which she fell asleep right away. I hummed “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” this is my favorite Christmas song. I often hummed and sang this while I was pregnant with her. We had a really good time. Later on we invited friends over to watch hockey and than play Mario Party, it was a lot of fun. The whole day was really good. Today I slept in till 11ish. I went thrift shopping and then went over to visit my daughter and her parents. We just chilled and played because her dad hurt his back. I forgot to eat and became kinda weak and lightheaded a bit but we had a good dinner. It was a good busy weekend.
Tomorrow is the day we meet with the adoption agency and talk to other aspiring parents. I am not sure how this will go but I am going to do my best to be honest and comfortable. I do think it is important for aspiring parents to understand the view of the birthmother. The social worker who handled our adoption process emailed her parents a list of questions that will be asked. They aren’t overly invasive, just a lot of feelings and our story. My goal is to be as informative as possible on a birthmothers end and to help try to understand what can be going through a birthmothers mind. There are many emotions involved and I wouldn’t want aspiring parents to be put off or wary of having open adoptions because a birth mother may be difficult, after all, difficult can stem from being scared. So, I will do my best to help inform.
My finger is healing very well. I have almost a full range of motion and sensation. The doctor was really surprised with how fast I healed. I am going to hopefully try to get to the gym this week. I picked up OT for the next few months on Mondays. Because I am getting OT at the beginning of the week I am going to try to get Bailey to some more playdates if possible. I feel like I have been neglecting him lately. I feel bad and want to do better,
I think I suck at keeping friends and do not have much to offer the ones that I do. All I do have is being there to listen and offer any advice I can. I did that with a close friend today, the one whom I have talked about how we started on bad ends with the union. I am happy she is in my life. We are very similar in ways, especially with our dedication to the union. In the end I obviously couldn’t do the job due to my back and knee injury, but it was an interesting change with us. While I was at the post office we talked but it was always union related. Now we have become friends on a more personal level and I am grateful for this. She has positively impacted my life and I have looked up to her for a long time.
Well, the clock is about midnight and I want to get this post out today. I do not like missing days however I seem to be a little lately, but that is a good thing in a way because I am missing posts because I am living. I should get to bed soon. I am watching a movie right now while cuddling with Bailey. I hope everyone has a good night, sleep well.
Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?
I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions.
I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.
This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.
I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.
What I am Doing for Myself Today
I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies. I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.
Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.
I had a fairly hungover feeling all morning. Last night I was exhausted and was in bed by 8pm. I feel like I am getting rid of something and the best way I can explain it is drinking tons of water to get rid of a hangover, even though I haven’t been drinking much, and the past three days, not at all. This afternoon I feel pretty good, but still drinking a lot of water.
We all know I went through my first hypnotherapy session yesterday, and maybe this was part of the reason I was exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible though, and was even having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.
When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head had been silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. I had already been kinda brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.
So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because with how smart I am, I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, none the less reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. I am still trying to process a lot of it. After that I felt in a weird haze for a couple hours. Like that feeling of waking up and needing coffee. Except I had coffee, and I was very hungry so I ate. I felt weird all day and than became very exhausted, thus why I did not blog much last night. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold yesterday morning. I went to my daughters mom’s home complaining about this. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, is I was not sick at all after the session. My throat was fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session and than felt exhausted and went to bed early.
I did not b/p today. I did purge a little, however it was some salad and it was because my tummy was really hurting, not an excuse I know, but it’s okay. I didn’t b/p yesterday either. In fact, that little bit of salad today was all I did. We all know I have been trying to eat low carb but I had a hotdog, a little bit of chips (daughter stole them) and some popcorn (daughter stole this too!) along with a couple beers, but I kept it all down. I felt different today. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I went to the gym today and I think I may have ran too hard because that is when I started feeling sick. I felt so light though and like my mind and body were so much lighter. This makes sense between the hypnotherapist and chiropractor. I should be careful on this and steadily work myself back up into shape. I just felt so different was all.
Well, it is late and I would like to get this blog published before midnight, since I publish everyday. I was busy with work and school today, I took my psychology exam. It went okay, I still have an A in the class LOL. I went to the last scrimmage game before the hockey season starts for good. I am taking care of some kitties for friends while they are out of town so went over to their house after the game. It was a busy day but it was good. My main goal for tonight was to at least tell everyone about my session. It was interesting. You all have a great night, it is Friday after all. Be good to yourself, as I am doing to me.
Enough with the silly stuff now, lets talk serious. “The 100″….seriously the best show I have seen in awhile and its really depriving me of sleep lately. Every night I plan on going to bed at a decent time and every night this show has an OMG ending that I need to start the next episode. So tonight, BED EARLY!
What I Am Doing for Myself
Well, I went to the chiropractor today and honestly feel the best physically than I have in a very long time. I am looking forward to my hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. Coffee is definitely one of my best friends today. I will go to bed at a decent time tonight. I plan on taking Bailey to the park, after all, he has not seen his friends in awhile. Then maybe I will go on a walk with my daughter, evening is up in the air, but exercise is good! Also because exercise is good and my body feels great I joined the gym yesterday at Anytime Fitness, so there is no excuse I can make such as “I hurt too much,” or “I don’t have time” because its LITERALLY open to me anytime. I plan on signing up for the tanning also, because I love the warmth and sun-kissed look my skin gets. All it really takes is one tanning session. I don’t burn so I just go the max. I feel so much better after tanning and my skin becomes so soft. I am taking my vitamins also for the most part. I think I may re-dye my hair also as its been awhile, maybe go black again.
Well, this is a topic I haven’t really gave much info on lately. For awhile there it was at its normal worstness again, however I have been keeping a lot more food down these days, mainly veggies of course. I know my digestive system is working well though because I am literally going number two every day….or more. Normally tiredness and stress would cause me to b/p more, however I am very tired today but have had 3 chicken salads today and feel good. There is no desire to b/p, theres really no desire for any sweets right now. Even when I do b/p lately, theres no gratification from it, and no real need to do it. I feel a lot lighter these days mentally. I feel a lot of the b/p is habit. I know my body can digest food even without probiotics. It’s all just mental. It’s getting easier though. I think getting on a schedule will help me a lot too with everything.
Hmm, this is a weird one because I think this is sorta habit also. I don’t have a need to drink at all and I haven’t been overly drinking. In fact, I have been sticking with the spiked sparkling waters lately. They are low carb, I think the new Smirnoff one is the best. I do not feel so bloated on it or feel like I am drinking syrup. And they are only 4-5 percent alcohol like a normal beer. I do not think I will drink anything tonight. I need to go to bed and get a good nights sleep.
The last three days have been a bit emotional for me, mainly because I feel like I have gotten a lot off my chest. Even when I don’t feel guilt for something, it’s still hard keeping things inside out of fearing the wrath of being judged. It is hard enough being native, I really don’t feel like giving people more of a reason to find faults in me. I live in a very double-standard christian conservative state. I wish people would just get along and be considerate of others. Hate, drama, gossip, anything negative, it gets exhausting. People live on gossip and drama though, otherwise we wouldn’t have the news and social media. Aside from all that though, I feel good and hopeful.
I kind of just wanted to low key my post today. I honestly do not feel like I have much more to tell of my past other than bits and pieces. I am starting to remember some good moments though like with traveling. I let all the negatives overshadow good moments though. I need to work on that. Maybe if all the negative emotions were drained away than what would be left is happiness. Maybe I experienced more emotions that the average folk so if I drained away the bad than I would have a fairly normal amount of happiness. I don’t know, I don’t really exactly know how hypnotherapy works, just the basics I suppose. I am looking forward to see how it works out.
Well peeps, I just finished lunch and have a bit more work to do. Be good to yourselves as I am doing. I will talk to you tomorrow. 🙂
Death has always been weird to me. I have never been able to express condolences appropriately. When a close uncle found out he had cancer my first words were “well, that’s what he gets for smoking.” I did feel bad but showing sympathy has never been a strong trait of mine. It is also weird to me in the way that for much of my life I was waiting to die. There have been many times where the only reason I am alive today is because I always thought about the risk that if there were a God I would be sent to Hell for killing myself. My Grandma died this past Christmas and there was a lot of pain, anger, and envy. There was pain because I am human and hated the thought of her being gone; there was anger because she should have passed a lot sooner but medicine and her kids kept her alive. I should not say this so cold-heartedly because honestly I would have a hard time letting my mom go too. I could see in her eyes she was very clearly ready to go and when she did there was relief, but still the pain and anger. The envy was something I feel is a bit abnormal. I envied her because she was able to cross over and not worry about Hell existing. I am sure I said it to my daughters mom too many times how much I envied my grandma. It was a really hard winter. But the main point is, I suck at death, and I really am sorry to those I cannot clearly express condolences to. I do feel bad and know how loss feels, I just suck a lot at the expression.
Life comes in 3’s. I have experienced much of what is criticized in women’s rights movements today. I gave birth to the baby of a rape and chose adoption, as any pro-lifer would say is the mysteries of how God works. I am assuming pro-lifers would say this because a couple were able to adopt a baby. Reality is, is that couple would have probably ended up with a child sooner or later, and they actually ended up with two more. I also experienced what it feels like to be at that point where you have only one way out and being pregnant could close the doors that could lead you out of an abusive relationship. I could have chosen adoption again, however his family would have never agreed to it, and they had a lot of money and were a fairly well-known name around the area. I am not trying to make excuses, after all, I have admitted that it was honestly the best thing I could have done for myself, and where I am at today, I know this to be completely true. Abortion is not all what pro-lifers make it out to be. When done in the first six weeks like I had it done, it was literally a little spot, a zygote. This is not saying I agree completely with abortion. I do not believe it should be used as a means of birth control because that is not good for a woman’s body at all. I believe after the second trimester it should definitely be illegal, after all, it is than a baby in my eyes. I still debate on the second trimester. I can understand for medical reasons for sure. However, this post is not to debate my beliefs, but to tell the third of the 3’s, the daughter I have today.
When I got pregnant with my daughter I had moved back to the shitty small town my parents retired to. I was living in a really shitty trailer with really bad water working at a pizza parlor that were both owned by the same guy. He pretty much owned the town. It’s a great way to feel owned when the guy you buy your liquor, food, water, and housing from also pays your paycheck (very minimum wage). Its a dog like feeling, but smart on his end. I was beat down by life in every sense. I went to work at a low paying job that left me just enough money after bills to buy booze and weed. Work was where I ended up meeting the sperm donor, we both liked to drink and smoke so that is pretty much what the whole relationship was. As any drunken depressed uncaring spree will get someone, I found out I was pregnant. There was fear, but also not. I actually barely had the energy to care. I quickly chose adoption because I was too broke to afford another abortion and no way did I want to parent. When I told my parents I was pregnant, they gave me two options, I go to a catholic maternity home in a small desolate town that they found and they would support me, or I don’t and they would have nothing to do with me. My parents have always been great at parenting (sarcasm). My parents thought I would come out of the home a happy catholic woman. I did end up happy in life, however, not because of the home. In fact, I will never step foot in another catholic church again because of them. There is a lot that went on there that I will not dive into as it’s not the point of this blog, however, I got out as soon as I could.
When I got to the maternity home I knew I needed a job, after all, I was having trouble with the sperm donor not signing his rights away. Apparently for adoption sperm donors need to sign away their rights also and not just the birthmother, the problem was he wanted to parent. I think it was at the point where I realized there was a chance I would have to parent that I starting caring about my life. I would never agree to give him custody, after all, he was high on meth pretty consistently. Since I knew there was a chance of parenting I knew I need to find work so I could provide because I did not want to live on welfare. I started work at a local gas station till I could find something better and I eventually found work as a carrier at the post office. Right when I got the post office I left the maternity home, so within a couple months I would say of moving there. I got my own apartment and was getting ahead enough that I could take care of my daughter if I had to. When I started the post office I was around five months pregnant and made sure to keep my head down. I worked as hard as I could during probation. I knew that if the post master found out I was pregnant he would find any small reason to let me go, after all, it would be an inconvenience for him. Probation was 90 working days or 120 days together, whichever came first. When I got pregnant I was 156, with all the walking I did I stayed roughly around that mark, in fact I lost weight a bit, so I didn’t show during probation. I think I was gaining baby weight as I was losing body fat. By month seven I started gaining weight and clearly showed. My postmaster had given me great reviews by than so he really had no valid reason to let me go when he found out, and I explained to him I chose adoption so I wouldn’t need leave. I am not bragging but when I gave birth I was almost 180, two weeks after birth I was 130. I always said Black Chyna had nothing on me.
I worked hard at the post office and gas station till I gave birth. I started loving the shit out of my unborn daughter. The adoption plan was all over the place and it was a long hassle of going back and forth with the sperm donor who kept falling off the grid. Once I got around the 6th month mark my adoption counselor and I decided I needed to start looking at families to at least have an idea who I wanted to choose and to let the potential family know the risks of everything going on. The sperm donor finally signed his rights away the Friday before I was scheduled to meet my daughters parents. Things get hazy here because I went into false labor before I even had a chance to meet them. I say false labor but I was dilating and having contractions less than five minutes apart. I was injected with steroids for my daughters lungs when this first happened and given medicine to stop the contractions. I knew she was going to be early, however at the time, I was barely 7 months along. So the way I met my daughters parents was not the most ideal of ways, they brought me candy though. I like candy. I liked them a lot, however, hated them when my daughter was born a month later.
There is a moment when you hold up your baby onto your bare chest, whom you have loved and talked to throughout your pregnancy, that you realize you would do anything for them. This moment can barely be explained in words other than just love, the purest of loves.
With adoption, this is also the scariest and most painful time as well. I knew that because I loved my baby so much is why I needed to give her up to a family that would provide. I was scared and full of pain, but also relieved from not being pregnant anymore. I remember when my daughters parents came into my hospital room to meet her, I hated them. I had met them before and we had really hit it off, being very into a lot of the same interests and complete wierdos. When the moment came for them to meet my daughter though, all I could do was hate her soon to be mom. I did not want them anywhere close to her. I have often wondered if I have a potent aura, because I seem to give off what I am feeling fairly easy and I’m pretty sure they felt it. I had been very dead set on about the adoption, after all, I knew I was in no position to give my daughter what she needed and deserved. I did not want either of us to depend on welfare. I did not want her to be in daycare with strangers. I wanted her to have a future and an education that didn’t cost her a lifetime of debt. I had spent my pregnancy set on adoption, however when I held her in my arms I could barely fathom letting her go. I looked for every reason to not choose her parents, even the shallowest of reasons. I did not want to say goodbye to my daughter. Those three days I spent in the hospital they spent wondering why they were not good enough. Ironically, it was the opposite. I knew they were better than me and could give my daughter everything I couldn’t. The pain of leaving the hospital without her was pure agony and the only way I was able to handle it was to tell myself I could go and get her anytime and that I just needed the weekend to figure it all out. Inside I knew this to be a lie, but it’s how I coped those next few days. Sometimes I do need to fool myself temporarily to get past emotions. Obviously everything worked out amazing as they are my best friends now, but damn I’m a bitch sometimes.
Life works in 3’s, pregnancy via rape that leads to adoption (a prolifer would say god works in mysterious ways), abortion to get out of a very abusive relationship (prochoicers would say this is a great example) and getting pregnant while waiting to die that in turn woke me up and gave me strength. Personally I feel people need to mind their own business and need to stop being so extreme. There have been no easy paths in my life, however, I do feel stable paths forming.
I apologize if this blog is a bit all over the place, I really tried to piece it together correctly to where it makes sense. In 65 days I have literally told all about my life and who I am. I do feel very healed in many ways but there is still healing left of the little girl I suppose. Well, I suppose I have blogged for two hours so now need to get to work. Have a great day everyone. Be good to yourself.
As I talked before, I told you that I had been impregnated through rape. What came after that was a spiral of mania and fighting to survive. It was mixed emotions after I had gave away the first baby. I say gave away because I did not want her. In the adoption it was decided upon that I would get visits and pictures every so often. I tried to love her, I really did. I could not and still cannot. I suppose there has always been some guilt in this, after all, shouldn’t it be natural? I guess I have never been normal though. After I gave her away I had moved to a small town with my parents where they retired to. I do not do well in small towns, too much sky or something. I didn’t stay there long and ended up moving to the third largest city in NoDak….so…fairly small. It was the first time I was away on my own for real and I was excited. I had so much energy and hope in me. I ended up getting a job at Walmart and started dating a guy. This guy was actually somewhat nice, however, I have a feeling he only dated me because I looked a lot like his ex-wife. Also, he liked sex, but also didn’t, it was weird. After his divorce he partied a lot and slept around. He ended up partying with underage girls and in turn, sleeping with one and getting caught. It didn’t work out well for him. So I can understand his sex deprivation along with his mom continuously telling him he needed to be a good boy…literally those words. So it became a bit awkward when he would sleep with me and then talk about how much of a bad boy he was and needed to go home. It was equally awkward the time he spent the night and his mom was calling him nonstop. Well, this didn’t last too long I guess because he ended up giving me a couple days’ notice that he was moving to California. Not the first time this had happened to me, one of the first guys I dated right after moving to the Bakken managed to give me three days’ notice he was moving to Texas. I literally suck that bad LOL! Anyways, he moved which left me confuzzled and fucked in the head. I actually did okay though, I ended up getting the job at the post office doing overnights and was somewhat paying bills on time. However, I was still lonely, confused, and under mania. I started drinking at this time since I was freshly 21. I partied alone though because I have never been good at making friends, and what friends I did make, honestly made me very uncomfortable. About a year later is when I met my ex I have talked about. I still wish I never would have met him. I did the whole online dating thing and turned out he lived in one of my apartment complex buildings. Of course I thought this was fate. Too bad for me for being naive and stupid. The first couple weeks were okay, however, by the second week I knew I didn’t like him at all. I have mentioned previously that I broke up with him but then he broke down and told me how much he loved me. Oh the naivety of that stupid girl I was. If I never would have taken him back I would have kept my job at the post office and would have been career. Instead I let him convince me to quit because he could provide. Oh well, he didn’t. Ironically when money was tight, I ended up filling out an application for him for the post office and taking the tests for him so he got the job. As every relationship built upon bad foundation does, it quickly became a toxic rollercoaster. It was continuous fighting, leaving and moving back, physical and mental abuse. I cannot say it was only him, as I was crazy also, however I can say he packed the hardest beating, I’m sorta little. I have always wished I was stronger. This went on for a good two years. We often moved and often drank. I was constantly moving in and out. I feel bad for my cats I had during this time. I had them my whole life. He would purposely hurt one because it upset me. Even though they were 18 when I had to put them down, I do feel they could have lasted longer if I never would have met him. Eventually I gave the cats to my parents to watch. My ex ended up getting two new ones, one whom he had given to me. It was a tuxedo kitty whom I named Ichabod, after Ichabod Crane. My ex was not nice to him at all. He would purposely hurt him and try to drown him. It would often bring back many flashbacks. I eventually grew up enough strength to move out for good. When I finally did this however, I learned I was pregnant. Oh, the irony, of finally having the strength to get on your feet from an abusive relationship and then having a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t handle it. I hated him and he hated me. We got an abortion, and although many would criticize me for this (not him of course) I do not regret it at all. Maybe for a little while I did afterwards, however, I am not sure how much of that guilt was fearing the disappointment of others versus disappointment in myself that I let myself get in such a fucked up part of life. I did not want to be pregnant again. The first pregnancy I had was very traumatic. I have never wanted kids and definitely did not want to go through the experience of pregnancy again. I did not want to feel trapped in an abusive relationship when I was finally getting myself out. I did what I had to do. For the most part, everything ended there. When I ended up leaving him for good right after that, he sent me a picture of Ichabod choked by his collar. I broke down pretty hard after that. I suppose this was the beginning of my full blown mania that wouldn’t go away for a good couple years. During this time is when I fully gave up and was just waiting to die. For some, having an abortion would seem like the worst thing I have ever done. To me, it is the best thing I have ever done for myself. What would come after these years of turmoil and spiraling out of control is the daughter I have today, who literally saved my life.
Life comes in 3’s, first-getting pregnant through rape which was nothing but hate, anger, and disgust, second- having an abortion and being very relieved and happy that I was finally able to say goodbye to the asshole for good.
I have always done what I needed to to survive. I do not pretend to be a good person, after all, being a good person can conflict with survival. Although, I am starting to get into a place in life where I do not feel the need to survive as much as I feel the need to live. I am in a good place now in life, I am working on my mind and body as well as almost spiritual, just not in a sense of god. I do hope my readers do not judge me too harshly, as reading back throughout my history can explain why I did what I have done. I have forgiven myself and others for a lot. I just need to take care of that little girl inside of me. Well, I had better get to work. I feel good today. Everyone be good to yourselves, I am trying. Goodbye.
If someone were to ask me the worst thing I have ever done I would feel conflicted, after all, what many would see as the worst thing I could possibly do is honestly the best in my eyes, and what is the best thing I have ever done in the eyes of many, to me is the worst thing I have done. Are the good and bad of my actions based on the opinions of others or on my own mental well-being? Who has the right to judge what I do when I have always tried to do what I needed to survive? I have kept a bit of my past secret from my readers since much of it can be debatable. I suppose if I think blogging helps, than to help cure these thoughts I must let it out.
Before I had my daughter, what I would have said is the best thing I had ever done would be murder in the eyes of some but surviving in the eyes of others. To begin to understand this chain of reaction, we must go back to the time I was raped in college. I was eighteen and going to college like every other young folk. I have talked about this time before when I met a guy. He was honestly a disgusting loser but I was desperate. I had already felt like a failure about the military as previously mentioned. Mania was starting to build up as well as loneliness and being under my parents roof. I held a lot of ill feelings towards them even though I didn’t understand why at the time, later on I would come to realize because of my childhood. We all know I dated this loser for a couple weeks and we all know that he raped me. At the time, I did not realize it for what it was, even though I said no continuously and to stop, he didn’t. However, I did not fight as hard as I could have. I think inside I knew it didn’t matter and so I went off to my own world. Society and media have taught me that a female should be putting up a fight if she doesn’t want sex, and although it is getting better, reality is that women are still victimized and still the whore if they aren’t strong enough to fight back. In an ideal world, no means no, in the real world…well, I know better. Well, he did what he did as we all know. What I have not told anyone that is because of this rape, I was impregnated and I hated every minute of it. I felt like I had a monster growing inside of me the entire time. I wanted an abortion, however, having two very die hard Catholics for parents, it was out of the question or I would have been kicked out. Being 18, pregnant, and living in the middle of the bakken where everything was ridiculously expensive, while trying to go to school, I had no choice but to stay pregnant. I chose adoption for her, after all, I did not want anything to do with her. I do feel this is one of the worst things I have ever done for myself. It fucked me up bad. Growing something inside of me that came from a disgusting sperm from a disgusting man, I honestly wish I would have gotten an abortion. To me, this is the worst thing I have ever done. I fully believe in abortion. Even though this adoption was open, I do not have anything to do with her really. Anytime I receive pictures I throw them away. I do feel guilty at times for doing so, after all shouldn’t it be natural instinct to care for her? Reality is I do not care for her and she reminds me too much of that asshole. Christians and pro-life movers would say god acts in mysterious ways. This is one of the most selfish things a Christian can say as they are only thinking about their own agenda, not the well being of the female. I suppose though, there is no room for women’s health in the bible. This is another reason I say god can go fuck himself. Staying pregnant after rape was the worst thing I have ever done and I would gladly go back and have an abortion.
Life comes in 3’s. To get a full experience about something, we need three angles. I will hopefully be able to show these three angles the next couple days. I really do want to be happy, like fully truly, no more low spells. My life has been a roller coaster and very unfair. I know they say life is not fair, however, I really wish I could have maybe had just a little bit more fairness. I suppose I shouldn’t complain though, after all, I am where I am at now. I have my daughter and her parents, a decent job, am in college and pay my bills. I am working on myself. I know if the therapy works, I will not forget anything, but have the emotion drained in a way. I do hope it works, but I really do not know what will be left. I have been trying to think of good memories of my childhood, I really cannot though. Maybe they are there but are just overcome by negatives, who knows.
I feel a lot less stressed out now that I do not have to worry about the A&P class. I have started the day out with coffee and plan to take a bath since my body is a tad bit stiff. I am so excited for my chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I have always said I should marry a plastic surgeon, however, if the plastic surgeon could have a side job as a chiropractor, that would be AMAZING! Well, I had better start the day, coffee makes me go number two. Have a good day everyone and be good to yourselves. I am trying to find my triggers, so far I think I am doing pretty well. Bye, bye.