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Recovery is not an easy task. Sure it has been over five months now that I have not self induced vomited but time doesn’t always make the “want” any easier when it comes. I can be proud of myself all I want but it does not make looking in the mirror any easier when I see how I have let myself go. And I don’t even know if thats the right terminology because it wasn’t really just “letting myself go,” it was just plain fucking tired of trying to be so fucking perfect. I do feel better on low carb, I really do. I splurged this weekend on cookies and Mexican food and my knees are killing me today. I am so bloated and my head feels so foggy. My body hasn’t really processed sugar for a decade now. I don’t know if I wan’t to to learn how other than fruits anyways. I do need to take the low carbing more seriously though if thats the lifestyle I choose. My goal is to do low carbing till I get back down to a healthy weight and than incorporate fruit. I know I used to talk like this all the time but purging would easily break that goal. Maybe now that I do not vomit and now that I don’t feel the need to over drink anymore I can actually have a handle on this. Either way, getting any heavier is not going to help my back or knees. I have come a long way but there is still so long to go.


I had a couple more people read my book today. I wonder who (I really don’t know). I haven’t been promoting it in over a week due to finals and being sick. Well, whoever is reading it, I hope you like it and will leave me a good review 🙂


Today was just another day at work. I am trying my best to get into another department. I know I could have it so easy  where I am at but easy is not for me. I need to be challenged, kept busy, and feel I have a purpose. I do not feel like I am contributing to the company, and thats because I am not being challenged. I really hope someday soon I can feel like I am serving our clients again.


Bailey and I went to the park tonight. He is honestly the best pup. I am so happy I rescued him. It’s like we grow with each other. He was so frail when I adopted him. I know the lady who took him out of his abusive environment helped him all she could be he still had such a long way to go. Now he is becoming more of a playful high energetic dog. He will play fetch and even tug of war. He is no longer so submissive. He will walk up to some people and even let them pet him. I said once before if there is hope for Bailey there is hope for me, I’d say we are on the right track.

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I didn’t meet with my personal trainer this morning. I could not sleep at all last night. I don’t know if its because Game of Thrones was just so mind boggling or what but I am pretty sure I mayyyybee got an hour of sleep. I have been living off caffeine all day. With that I had better go clean up and do some errands. Everyone have a good evening and be good to yourselves.

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Free Promo :)

I officially have the paperback version available for my novel.

I am kind of wondering if I am overhyping this book, maybe it’s not really that special. Everyone has shit in their lives. Considering half the worlds population is engulfed in poverty I imagine most of that deals with some sort of abuse, whether it be witnessing or experiencing. Granted, I was never in the “poverty” of lets say Haiti but we were by no means privileged either. I suppose this book isn’t all about just abuse though either, it’s about the overwhelming pressure society puts on women to be perfect as well. I guess it’s not even just limited to that, its also all the media we have coming at us that convinces us the only way to experience emotions is through materialism, booze, food, and technology. People seem to forget we are still animals but we are animals so disconnected from this planet. So much disconnection with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. So I guess maybe my book is just the product of the mind that is able to tell what happens to the brain as it’s slowly dying? I don’t really know what to think now, the excitement for it is gone and it’s more like what did I do?


On a side note:

I am running a FREE BOOK PROMO for today 28Apr2019 and tomorrow 29Apr2019 for the kindle version. All that I ask is you give it honest reviews on Amazon and refer it. I am not sure exactly to whom to refer, I mean I can say the emotionally and mentally pained, but it’s not a story of hope really, it’s just reality. Sometimes reality is easier to handle though when you know there is someone who understands the pain.

 

Officially a Published Author

Well, good news came while I slept last night and that was my book was approved to be published. I am sure most people who attempt to publish a book on Amazon get the approval but I am very proud of this novel. As I said before, my avid readers would recognize much of it, but there is some new stuff as well. Now that I am published I am already criticizing what an ugly cover I chose. Oh well, we all know I will never be perfect enough for myself. Either way, check it out! Refer it, give it honest reviews (I am not sure I will read them, I am a terrible critic of myself, I do not know if I could handle others negativity LOL)


Well, I have one class down and four left to go. I love being so close to the end of the school year. I am ready for a break, however it will be a short lived one since I am taking summer school. It’s okay, I need to keep myself busy.

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It’s a bit chillier evening but its calm and peaceful. Not everyday can be warm and perfect. It’s better than a shitload of snow (some of ND is getting it though this weekend)


Well, I have some yummy enchiladas cooking that are about done. It’s finally Friday so I am going to do absolutely nothing tonight but relax. This was mainly a post to check out my new book, and if you already know the story, please rate it 🙂

Have a good night peeps.

Sixty: A Memoir of the Abused

Well, I finished my book yesterday. I am very proud of it. I have only attempted to publish it on Kindle so far because I want to see how many readers I get from that. I have never published anything before on Amazon. I am nervous. I read that normally it will take 12 hours or less for English novels to be released. I published yesterday morning so I am not exactly sure what gives, I am hoping my book is not deemed inappropriate. Pretty much the book is my blogs of recovery summed up into sixty days along with poetry. Its not a lot of poetry but it fits nice. I keep the rawness and to be honest there were a few areas it was hard to read none the less perfect. On word it is about 107 pages. I am proud of it none the less, it just felt like the right time to publish. Now I just wait.

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Also yes, that is my real name, not Kitten (as if that seemed realistic LOL)


So I have deleted all my blogs up to this point. There is no need for them. After a certain point (the “Life comes in 3’s” if any of my readers remember) there was not a lot of point left. I wrote everything about my life to the point I was actually very bored with my past. In fact writing the book (it was for a college class) I was so bored. It wasn’t until I added some poetry that I felt it was alive again. All my writings can be summed up in this book. I am not sure if I will continue to blog, after all, my life is not that interested these days, I mean it is good, but its also just normal.


I mention this in my book but I have been bulimia free since January 1st, 2019. At this point I am not sure I could even really throw up easily. I get full and satisfied. I get overfull and uncomfortable as anyone would. I still try to stick to lower carb foods but I also splurge on fries and beer at hockey games and occasionally candy. I have learned the hard way sugar free candy needs to be enjoyed in moderation and that keeping real sugar down can overwhelm my body. I have learned to enjoy my wine and gin. My body has changed a lot but I have a personal trainer I see twice a week. I notice myself getting stronger but am learning to accept that I will probably never be as skinny as I once was…to be honest I am not sure I want to be anyways. I can lay on my side without my ribs and hips bruising. In fact I do not bruise that much anymore.

I do still have issues with bloating so I am trying to drink a lot more water and cut down on sodium.

I do still take vitamins and supplements but I am pretty regular these days.

I still love my apartment, I love feeling safe and secure.

I have started the process of fixing my teeth, I had my first root canal done for the really bad tooth. When I went to the dentist a few months ago she pretty much said either we fix it now or I have it pulled. I cannot fathom the thought of having lost teeth so I decided I might as well start the process. I will be paying on the root canal for a few months but I maxed out my insurance with it so will just take baby steps.

Although my belly is bigger I have to say, having boobs is kinda nice. I mean, I have gone from a padded B bra to easily a non padded D cup. I seem to have more cellulite since stopping purging caused and influx in weight. It wasn’t even just that, it was feeling emotional and having a hard time getting away from the binging that put weight on. But even when I “binge” now, it is not even close to what I ate in a single meal setting when I would throw it all up. That has caused the alcoholism to go away. I do admit I still go overboard occasionally but I am okay with that, because in the end its one million times better than where I was at.

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Work is work at this point. There have been a lot of changes. I am trying not to put too much of my pride and happiness in work these days. I am proud to be in the company that serves the clients that we do but with a lot of negative changes and mismanagement I have been letting it get to me too much, so at this point I am just taking things as they come. I don’t get paid enough to worry anymore than that. I actually hope that maybe I can make enough off my book to be able to just focus on school and not work, chances of that are slim, however I have a good partner who loves to work hard so I actually have been able to improve my grades for this last end of the semester push.


Speaking of which, I have been accepted into NDSU with a tuition scholarship for the next four years as an undergraduate. I will be taking two classes this summer and will have my associates after that so I can start of the Fall semester headed towards my bachelors. I have decided Psychology is what best suits me. I know my mind always goes back and fourth but honestly it will always do that. My mind just keeps going back to wanting to help people. Depending on how things work out I may try UND as well for an online degree, it all depends on how my workplace works out. That is nothing to worry about for now. At this point I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way.


Now that winter is over (OMG IT WAS A LONG FUCKING ONE AT THAT!) I spend evenings finishing up homework, going to my daughter and her parents for evening walks, or just sitting on my balcony watching the sun set.

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I love where I am at, whether it be physically or life in general. There are bad days and nights, but more often there are good. My mind is probably permanently FUCKED, but thats okay, there will always be an end. There are still times I would love to just slit my wrists and to just let go but than I think of nights like tonight where I am watching the sun set and my cats and dog happy, a slight breeze, think of my daughter and her family, think of my parents and friends, its not worth it to die, not yet.


I am very grateful for the readers who continued to follow me through the worst of times. I would have never imagined I could be where I am at. I would not have continued to blog if I wasn’t reaching people. Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. I have some homework to finish and than will relax. I need to hit the gym tomorrow, Bailey is headed to daycare in the morning, and I suppose it will just be another day, which is okay. Hopefully my book is approved. I really hope I didn’t make a stupid spelling mistake, I tried to correct them all. Well, have a great evening everyone. Don’t take your life for granted and keep on fighting.