purging

Grapes

Today I am going to talk about grapes, red grapes in particular because that is what I am eating for breakfast.

-Grapes contain healthy carbs, antioxidants, fiber, vitamins K,A,C,B6, potassium, calcium, phosphorous, calcium and just the right amount of sodium. They also have riboflavin, niacin, thiamine, and folate. So nutrient wise grapes are like a holy grail.

-Reduce aging, reduce chances of a heart attack, and filters out toxins in the blood.

-HELP WITH CONSTIPATION

-Helps control asthma, diabetes, cataracts, migraines, indigestion, fatigue, and studies are even showing they can help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. They also can boost immunity and help with kidney issues as well as cholesterol.

-Helps keep the eyes strong as well as bones and helps prevent cavities.

And I have been SO afraid to eat grapes for YEARS because they contained sugar. So dumb…grapes are delicious.


Eating Wise

I am less afraid of eating these days. My pants actually fit fairly well today which makes me wonder if my body is starting to balance out. I am trying to chew my food more. I spent quite a bit of yesterday looking up healthy foods, turns out they contain sugar and carbs, but theres a difference between processed and natural carbs/sugars. It’s feeling pretty good to let go of the fear of food. I feel like I am gaining a sense of freedom. Society sucks with the pressure they push onto women about having to be so damn perfect on the outside. I will never let my daughter think society needs to dictate any part of her thinking or her body. The perfect body is dictated by disgusting men who have brainwashed women for centuries and gotten them to judge each other based on appearance but who still like to pretend they are part of any women’s movement to make themselves equal to men….I guess they have in the way of judging and sexualizing females. Luckily this superficial bullshit is changing for the better with each generation.


Drinking Wise

Well, I had a couple glasses of wine last night to relax a bit. I wasn’t concentrating on my homework that great so I decided to listen to some ghost stories while researching healthy food. I probably won’t really have time to drink anything again till the game on Saturday. I am not looking forward to the crowd that night. It’s mens night, ugh last year they were so fucking annoying. I will probably just buy my drinks beforehand and not walk around during intermission. Last year my daughters dad had to keep them from bothering me. I attract the biggest creeps.


So I didn’t go to Baileys meet-up yesterday because I was still dealing with a bad tummy. The stool softeners and laxatives finally worked. It was a rough day. My daughter and her mom were both pretty sick as well, our daughter threw up twice. I think her dad may be getting sick as well. Anyways, I spent the day exhausted and felt undernourished. I did eat though and I drank so much water, I was so thirsty. I am still drinking a lot of fluids and the grapes I think will be good for me because they are mostly water. But yeah, so I put Bailey in daycare today because I will most likely do a 12 hr day. I brought him in early too so I could start my work earlier. So my socializing this weekend was being sick with my family and boys.


Well, this week is payday! I will have some money in my savings on Friday. 🙂  I could put some in now but I want to buy some healthy food today. I think I might make myself a stuffed pepper for dinner tonight. It will be nice to have money in my savings by the end of the week.


I think I might start the gym Wednesday. I would tomorrow but I am babysitting my friends cats so have to give them their meds before work. I think at least being on the elliptical can really help my tummy. I just want to be healthy. I don’t even want to be thin anymore, I want to have muscle. When I worked at the post office I think I was too skinny. I was literally walking myself to starvation. I could see all my ribs and it’s so ironic because even though I could practically see all of them, I still saw myself as fat. I didn’t even have any boobs because I was that skinny. I am probably fairly lucky I quit otherwise I would have easily made it to anorexia.


Well, because finances are getting where they are at I think I will buy some counter chairs this weekend. It will be nice because than I can actually sit down and eat. I will also have room to draw. It’s good to have my life in order.


Well, my lunch is about over so I had better get started on the rest of my shipments. Have a good day peeps, if your anywhere near the midwest, stay warm. Fucking cold…later!



 

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Too much Detail

11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Trying to Explain Myself

My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before  the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.


Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?


Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety

Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?


Eating Wise

Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.


I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.


I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.


I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%.  Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!

Ready for Bed

Today was exhausting but I hope I made a difference. As everyone knows, my daughters parents and I spoke with a group of aspiring parents at the adoption agency today. My goal was to have future parent’s understand the benefits of open adoption since there are those who kind of sway away from the idea or are intimidated. I would say there were 6ish couples and three adoption counselors, the one who did our adoption had the day off so was not present. Thats kinda too bad because I was looking forward to seeing her. I think the three of us were honest about out process and the emotions that came from each of us, positive and negative. Even with how emotional and chaotic the adoption started out we worked past that. I wont dive too much into how everything went since I would like to sleep on it. I think it went well though.


My eating was pretty off today. I think it’s because of all the emotions in the day. I fell off keto but I won’t beat myself up for it. I went through a lot of feelings today and comforted myself with b/p. I can’t say it was a bad thing, the class, because it wasn’t. I guess I still suck at comfortably expressing my thoughts and feelings, especially to a group of people I do not know.


I went tanning this morning. It felt really nice. I am excited for when I can work out again. My finger is feeling a lot better. I want to be healthy and strong.


I think I will be signing Bailey up for doggy day care every Monday. I didn’t get home till 630 this evening, I was gone almost 12 hours. I feel bad leaving Bailey home alone that long. The lady who runs the doggy meet ups takes her dogs to a doggy daycare that is right down the street from my work so I can drop Bailey off in the morning. It’s 24 dollars a day or I can buy a package of 10 for 190 dollars, so then 19 dollars. For being able to leave him from 7am to 7pm I do not consider that price bad at all. I just hope he does well without me. They said they would keep him segregated until he starts being comfortable with his surroundings and put him with pups who fit well with him. It makes me very anxious to think about but I think it will be good for him. I just don’t want any other pups to be mean to him.


Well, I am exhausted. I should get to bed soon. It was a very draining day, but a good day none the less. I have a busy day tomorrow. I am going to try and get off on time and then study for my psychology test Wednesday. I also want to get assignments due Wednesday finished tomorrow. There is hockey this week so I need to make sure and have homework done before than. I have fairly big assignments due this week so it’s a heavier load this week.  Have a good night everyone. Be good to yourself….I really am trying.

Astral-Projection?

Hey guys, so here is another video. I enjoy that I can talk to you guys so it feels more personal, however if this is not working for some of you, please let me know. When looking at my stats it seems like it still stays fairly average. I like that vloging gives me more self confidence to express myself and I feel it helping a lot with my speech class. However, if any of you do not like it, please say something.

 

Another Direction

Could I one day feel normal?

Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?

Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?

Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?

 

Over-tired

When my pants rip it is a mortifying sign that I need to take the low carb healthy eating a lot more seriously and stop the B/P, because lets face it, it only causes weight gain. I cannot say this is all an entirely bad idea because beer and malts are definitely not helping. So I will take a break off of drinking for two weeks for the induction period. I bought some Truly’s last night, they aren’t too bad and only 2 grams of carbs per serving, but I will save those for later on, probably during a hockey game. Either way, only healthy carbs for the next two weeks because lets be honest, I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe, so today thrift shopping it is.

I took my biotin and focus supplement along with some fish oil this morning. I have been going to bed later than I would like these past few days so I am going to try and get a good nights sleep tonight. If I am trying to keep my brain healthy I should give it proper rest also. I need to start getting myself back on a schedule. Tired me brings out the bitch, which I think it pretty normal, just my bitch is a bit abnormal.

I can feel myself want to b/p when I am this tired. I have a hard time with self control. So no matter how awake my mind feels tonight I am going to have some sleepy time tea and knock myself out if I have to.

Well, I have work to do and am trying to keep my head focused, I think the pills do help with that but like I said, I cannot know a full effect until probably a month. I will be good to myself today, you all should too. Get a good nights rest and enjoy your day. Bye Bye everyone!

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