I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.
Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.
Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.
So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.
Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.
Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!
Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.
Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.
So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.
Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!
Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?
I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions.
I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.
This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.
I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.
What I am Doing for Myself Today
I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies. I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.
Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.
If someone were to ask me the worst thing I have ever done I would feel conflicted, after all, what many would see as the worst thing I could possibly do is honestly the best in my eyes, and what is the best thing I have ever done in the eyes of many, to me is the worst thing I have done. Are the good and bad of my actions based on the opinions of others or on my own mental well-being? Who has the right to judge what I do when I have always tried to do what I needed to survive? I have kept a bit of my past secret from my readers since much of it can be debatable. I suppose if I think blogging helps, than to help cure these thoughts I must let it out.
Before I had my daughter, what I would have said is the best thing I had ever done would be murder in the eyes of some but surviving in the eyes of others. To begin to understand this chain of reaction, we must go back to the time I was raped in college. I was eighteen and going to college like every other young folk. I have talked about this time before when I met a guy. He was honestly a disgusting loser but I was desperate. I had already felt like a failure about the military as previously mentioned. Mania was starting to build up as well as loneliness and being under my parents roof. I held a lot of ill feelings towards them even though I didn’t understand why at the time, later on I would come to realize because of my childhood. We all know I dated this loser for a couple weeks and we all know that he raped me. At the time, I did not realize it for what it was, even though I said no continuously and to stop, he didn’t. However, I did not fight as hard as I could have. I think inside I knew it didn’t matter and so I went off to my own world. Society and media have taught me that a female should be putting up a fight if she doesn’t want sex, and although it is getting better, reality is that women are still victimized and still the whore if they aren’t strong enough to fight back. In an ideal world, no means no, in the real world…well, I know better. Well, he did what he did as we all know. What I have not told anyone that is because of this rape, I was impregnated and I hated every minute of it. I felt like I had a monster growing inside of me the entire time. I wanted an abortion, however, having two very die hard Catholics for parents, it was out of the question or I would have been kicked out. Being 18, pregnant, and living in the middle of the bakken where everything was ridiculously expensive, while trying to go to school, I had no choice but to stay pregnant. I chose adoption for her, after all, I did not want anything to do with her. I do feel this is one of the worst things I have ever done for myself. It fucked me up bad. Growing something inside of me that came from a disgusting sperm from a disgusting man, I honestly wish I would have gotten an abortion. To me, this is the worst thing I have ever done. I fully believe in abortion. Even though this adoption was open, I do not have anything to do with her really. Anytime I receive pictures I throw them away. I do feel guilty at times for doing so, after all shouldn’t it be natural instinct to care for her? Reality is I do not care for her and she reminds me too much of that asshole. Christians and pro-life movers would say god acts in mysterious ways. This is one of the most selfish things a Christian can say as they are only thinking about their own agenda, not the well being of the female. I suppose though, there is no room for women’s health in the bible. This is another reason I say god can go fuck himself. Staying pregnant after rape was the worst thing I have ever done and I would gladly go back and have an abortion.
Life comes in 3’s. To get a full experience about something, we need three angles. I will hopefully be able to show these three angles the next couple days. I really do want to be happy, like fully truly, no more low spells. My life has been a roller coaster and very unfair. I know they say life is not fair, however, I really wish I could have maybe had just a little bit more fairness. I suppose I shouldn’t complain though, after all, I am where I am at now. I have my daughter and her parents, a decent job, am in college and pay my bills. I am working on myself. I know if the therapy works, I will not forget anything, but have the emotion drained in a way. I do hope it works, but I really do not know what will be left. I have been trying to think of good memories of my childhood, I really cannot though. Maybe they are there but are just overcome by negatives, who knows.
I feel a lot less stressed out now that I do not have to worry about the A&P class. I have started the day out with coffee and plan to take a bath since my body is a tad bit stiff. I am so excited for my chiropractor appointment tomorrow. I have always said I should marry a plastic surgeon, however, if the plastic surgeon could have a side job as a chiropractor, that would be AMAZING! Well, I had better start the day, coffee makes me go number two. Have a good day everyone and be good to yourselves. I am trying to find my triggers, so far I think I am doing pretty well. Bye, bye.
Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?
Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?
Well, today was a fairly decent day. When I bought my new computer a few days back the time/date wasn’t set right according to my region so I ended up having to set it manually, except I didn’t set the date correctly so I have actually been running a day ahead for the past few days. I caught my mistake this morning and pretty much fell off my chair. I am happy I was not running a day behind but also was able to enjoy my Sunday because I had everything done a day early.
I am getting a full schedule set up for school and life. I have enough going on inside my head I do not need to keep more information in there than need be. I know part of the stress I have is from keeping track of everything inside my head and making sure I don’t forget anything, so I found a great planner to put everything in that is connected to my phone and computer. So if stress causes Escarlete to come out, than I’ll kick that bitch aside by taking away stressors. I can beat Escarlete at her own games. Also, one of these days I will be telling the story behind why I named the bitch side of me Escarlete….as one can assume I knew a bitch named her haha, but still, a decent postal story.
I think this week sometime I will take a video of my apartment for my readers. I actually am very proud of my taste in style. It is very comforting to me, but it will also give everyone more of an in-depth sense of me. The boys love being in videos also, I think they secretly want to be famous.
When I was taking a test last night Mr.Cooper shut off my power strip to everything. I freaked out bad and kicked him out of the office, luckily it didn’t kick me out permanently from my test but about three questions didn’t count, I still passed enough, but my grade dropped to a B. From here on all animals are NOT allowed in the office while I am testing.
Well, this was an easy blog. Today was an easy day however. Escarlete tried to play but she didn’t succeed. I have so many veggies left to chop and some chicken breasts cooking for my salad tomorrow. I am wide awake as I slept in this morning, bad idea. Well, I hope everyone has a great night and be good to yourself. I will be.
There was once a little girl who created her own world, although it had no name, it was her safe place. She learned to escape to it when bad things were happening. It was beautiful and vivid, she could smell the flowers, feel the breeze, smell the salty oceans, watch the deep blue sky turn black and see the planets and stars come out. In this world all her dreams came true, she had many friends, always had someone to hold her, and she would go on adventures. She left her body behind to fend for itself so her consciousness didn’t have to be aware when bad things happened. Although she tried to take all her mind with her, she left enough that understood what was happening was very bad and hurt a lot, and she was very scared, but even she abandoned herself. What was left behind became the monster.
I believe to an extent that everyone has another form of themselves inside them, whether it be the loss of who they wanted to be and their dreams didn’t work to the simplest little thoughts of hoping karma can get at those who have done wrong to them. The human mind has many layers of consciousness, depending on what theories are looked up and each layer becomes harder to understand. I cannot say truthfully whether or not the girl inside me is a monster or just a sad reality left behind. As my daughters mom explained it, she is everything bad that has happened to me. I may not be as perfect as a statistic as I thought, because in theory I should be her all the time. She is sad, confused, scared, and still an angry little girl. She is who I try to keep my thoughts straight to avoid because she is the complete opposite of me. I have never thought of her as actually being separate from me until my daughters mom and I were talking yesterday. Maybe I do need to keep her separate so I can try to help her, after all, avoiding her is not working. She is my greatest weakness and could very well be my greatest danger. I just don’t have any idea how to help her yet.
I am sorry for being fairly short lately, I have been in a fairly emotional mood lately since Monday when I had that first depressive episode. I feel good now and know I will be stable for awhile again. I am fairly certain hormones have a big reasoning behind my moods. My cycles are off balance while at the same time still cycles. I will have the same cramping and everything the same time every month, but its bad cramping, like having a real heavy flow, but than there is no bleeding. There might be occasional spotting but nothing that explains why I cramp so bad. I become pretty much a hormonal bitch and than can’t keep my thoughts and emotions in check and in turn the monster me comes out. I have had ultrasounds for this but nothing has been found. I suppose it could just be a chemical imbalance. I am beginning to understand when these moods come, my mind will start wondering a lot more, I will have a harder time focusing, and when I have a low mood spell I know the little girl is about to come out so I work harder to keep her at bay, although it never really works. So now she is gone and I feel good again. It would be nice if I could send my blogs out to psychologists around the world and be like, here is my term paper, please grade accordingly and tell me the best advice to succeed. I can try talk therapy again, for the millionth time (over-exaggeration) but it gets exhausting. And I, for the most part, am really good. I am goal-oriented and fairly happy, but that other girl, even though she is not around much, she’s the exact opposite. When she is around I know it and try to fight her but I think I probably suck at it. If I feel blogging is helpful, maybe I need to let her speak too. Although I fear if I do my readers will understand just how crazy I feel I am.
Well, I suppose that will be all today. I am very busy at work today (NOT), but I do have homework I can do. It’s so beautiful outside today, I wouldn’t mind delivering mail in this weather. I am hungry, I am going to go get a pumpkin spice coffee I think. OOOOooo, MMMMmmmm, Pumpkin! Have a good day everyone, please be good to yourselves, at least better than the monster is to me. BYYEE!
I cannot say I am doing well, however I can say that I am average. It is so easy for my daughters mother to say see a therapist, honestly though after about the eighth one I realized that the reason I can’t be helped is because psychology just isn’t there yet with understanding my trauma. I read up on a lot of studies continuously but until children are full grown they cannot get accurate studies. They understand more than a decade ago, but not enough. Eventually I just get tired of test after test and having to reexplain myself over and over again. I feel like a social experiment sometimes. I have often thought what it would be like if someone where to jump out and yell “JOKES! It was all an experiment! Here is a pill to make you all better!” But alas, that is not realistic. This also makes me wonder what it would be like if I did have the choice to start over. If I could grow up in an ideal situation and achieve my goals, would I? What if going with the first family my birthmother chose happened and I never went to the villages. What if I grew up in a really nice safe neighborhood and had a lot of friends and was a straight A student. What if this family had all my college paid for? Would I choose it? My daughters parents would have had another mother choose them, probably one a lot more stable. They wouldn’t always have to deal with my moods. My family wouldn’t have had to deal with my moods because they would have never known me. My little sister could have been their only daughter which I am sure would have made her happy. I can say that my past has shaped me to be the kind of person I am today, whether thats good or bad depends on the day. Although I try to stay strong, I feel the depressive episodes getting worst and harder to handle, even if momentarily. I feel like there is a tear that is slowly growing with the more weight set upon it. I had a couple beers this past weekend but nothing anything major. I know stress is a major trigger of these moods. Stress will always be there. I feel this episode fading away for good. However, that does not change the fact that it was a pretty bad one that kept coming back. The thought in itself is scary.