To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.
I am starting to think these feelings are permanent. I feel myself building walls and pulling away. I don’t like feeling anxious and sad. It was my own fault for trying. I have only ever been wanted to the extent of a fuck or too late and told sorry, normally still after a fuck ironically. Although if that’s the only time I am touchable than what happens when I no longer let anyone? I suppose I am just alone as always. I am not sure how much longer I have here. I am stuck any way I turn these days. I feel like life will again one day make the pure happiness a taste and that whisk it all away. There are no longer paths, not even one. All I feel is an end, to what, I don’t know. I just don’t feel or sense anything ahead and for me, that is off.
Inconsiderate, stupid, unstable, scared, messy, manipulative, wrong, selfish, anxious, sad, jittery, hungry, lost, unwanted, just a pretty face that will age, hard to love, outcast
One of the ripple effects of having borderline personality disorder is not being able to keep friends. I am not sure how it is for others but for me, I grow tired of many people. The people I do not grow tired of however I feel like I screw up with keeping. Even now I sit here crying because I feel like I can’t do anything right and I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, something is always wrong. People seem to naturally see the worst in me. I know I am losing a friend, I recognize the signs. No longer do they become the source of comfort but the reason why I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I am sorry I have not written in a couple days. It is fairly simple actually. Friday I worked all day with very little breaktime to breath because I wanted to get out of work on time to get ready for the hockey game. During the hockey game I ate cheese curds because they were pretty much the lowest carb item the arena had unless I wanted to pay over ten dollars for a salad. None the less, they were really good. After the game though my belly became as sick as it was the previous time I ate too much cheese, if not more. I ended up having to take a laxative, luckily it only worked as long as it was supposed to. I laid in bed for a good hour before I was able to stand up without feeling like my tummy was going to rip apart and by than it was a few minutes past midnight. So yesterday I felt pretty good again. I crammed on homework till time for the game. I decided to eat a cheeseburger ( with the bun) instead of curds because I was honestly kind of afraid of that pain again. I had bought some cheese curds but I could barely eat them. I am thinking I am a lot more lactose intolerant than I thought. Well, with the cheeseburger I had a beer since I decided oh well, eating carbs anyways. The beer made me feel bloated, so I think I will actually stick to my spiked waters from now on. My beer didn’t taste that good either. I am actually still somewhat in keto a bit so it didn’t do much harm. But from here on I really will have to watch my dairy intake.
I woke up this morning with my dad chewing me out for my loan payment being late, a little over a week none the less. I pissed him off the other day by saying I am prochoice. Awesome….another day of my parents being disappointed in me. You think I would be used to it by now. Oh well. They have never thought much of me to begin with so *shrug*.And to be fair, I actually paid it last week and am completely caught up again on bills, anyways, always nice to wake up to that shit. I didn’t do much today. Some homework I suppose. I took Bailey to a meetup so he could play with other pups. He of course befriended the tiniest dog there who probably didn’t weight more than five pounds. The pup was really cute though. He had a great time and being around the dogs made me feel a bit better.
Other than Bailey it has been a pretty shitty day. I do not really know why I am here these days. I have explained my living situation before and I am still trapped. I can say I am here for my daughter but than I get told I only use her parents to see her. Everything I do is wrong. Every smile is a lie it feels like a lot these days. I suppose sometimes those goodbyes need to be said so others can be happy. Is it fair to go and speak to other aspiring parents about successful adoption if I feel pushed away and alone? I am just very lost right now and have no source of comfort but my daughter, but she is not mine so I am just alone. Maybe that is not fair to say either, I don’t know because nothing makes sense these days.
I apologize for seeming under the weather, I am not sure what is appropriate to feel. I have a couple vlogs to make for my communication class which wont take long otherwise I think I will just watch TV tonight and hope that the laundry opens up since I need clothes for work. I am thinking I should eat today, but I really do not have much in terms of food till Wednesday. I have enough, I just don’t feel like cooking and don’t really feel that hungry anyways. I have to finish throwing away the cats cat tree because Bailey pissed on it when I did all that OT this week…I knew he was going to also when he got spooked during his lunch walk. Well…at least he understand “tree”. Well, Have a good night everyone.
Life is a game of pain and fighting to survive. I do feel very alone these days. With every fake smile I get more exhausted. I suppose I do deserve to feel the way that I do. I really am just a shitty shitty person. I am very selfish, I know. I still have a survival of the fittest type mindset and I do not think that will ever go away. I cannot keep anyone close without hurting them, so why even try anymore? With every cut I gave myself in the past I still feel was well deserved. I have had people tell me otherwise, but in the end, I did deserve it all. I really do think I pissed someone off in my past life. I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, there’s no room for sympathy when karma exists. Am I okay? I don’t really know. I am tired, I know that, even though I have been sleeping. Oh well, karma is a bitch.
It’s been another stressful day. I decided to take a chunk out of my finger today with a tape dispenser. My manager took me to the clinic. I lost a decent amount of blood but there was no way to stitch my finger since the meat was gone, so I pretty much had to keep having the doctors bandage me till no more blood soaked through. They gave me a weird looking gauze bandage thing on my flesh, they said it will dissolve into my finger. They bandaged it up pretty good and put it in a splint. The doctor gave me some numbing shots, however that is fading away so I am starting to feel a fair amount of aching, which I am sure will hurt more. I also had a tetanus shot which always feels amazing. I didn’t eat much today…actually I only had a couple Atkins shakes, so I feel nauseous and lightheaded. I have some seasoned chicken thighs cooking. I ended up going back to work after the doctor, but I got disoriented a little so was told to go home. I want the hours now that I am learning a different area. I was enjoying being at work today.
It has not been my day at all. I feel like anywhere I go I just fuck up. I do not want to feel emotions, they only bring heartache. I just need to work and forget any feelings I have. Sometimes the less I feel means the less others get hurt. I was almost at the point that I thought I deserved to be happy, but the reality is, is that I am honestly just too fucked up to have any sort of healthy, loving, and caring relationship. Some people are meant to be alone. I am tired of always putting on a smile, it’s exhausting.
I wish I could have better blogs these days, but between work, school, and life, I just feel all over the place. Work will die down soon so hopefully so I have more time to enjoy school. As for life, meh, my heart is still beating so I guess I exist.
I guess b/p is off and on these days. Some days are bad, some days are good, some days I don’t eat much to begin with. I haven’t had time to go to the gym none the less tanning. With my busted up finger, who knows when I will go again. Hopefully my finger will heal quickly….I like to think I am fairly superhuman when it comes to pain and healing.
Meh, maybe a glass of wine a night, but there have been nights I don’t feel like having any, mostly because I have homework to do. I don’t have much time to enjoy myself these days. Maybe thats a good thing, because honestly I don’t really know what I would do for fun these days after strained friendships. Haha, maybe go hike the mountains on the east coast.
I’m sorry peeps. I am not a normal depressed, it’s more of a weird sadness. It is a sense of loss or like something is coming to an end and I can’t stop it. It’s probably a good thing. I have always considered myself like a virus. I do not know if I still believe that, but I definitely suck the life out of people. Well, I have homework to do so I had better go. Be good to yourselves, I will try.