Invincible

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.


I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 


I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.


I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.


It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 


I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.

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Unbearable Thirst

Its an unbearable thirst, detoxing that is, and maybe I am not even detoxing at this point, but all I want is a drink, I need a drink, no fluids satisfy me. In fact I am taking a piss at least once every hour if not more. I want my mind to be gone. I want to be gone. I want to fall and fly at the same time. I want to breath and choke. I want to scream, cry, and fight. Gawd please someone just beat the shit out of me. No shakes but right now I could go for them. I could go for feeling like shit so this feeling of need would go away. Nothing entertains me, I even got a new iPad Pro today, but I am still so bored, so bored with this life, so bored with myself, so bored with all my shit, I just want that good time, fuck the repercussions right? Come on everybody let the good time roll. I sure hope the Zofran helps, I doubled that dose, it’s the best I could think of doing for myself. Fuck this unrelenting thirst, I feel like vampire that has been sleeping for ages. The fuck is this shit.

Meh, Detoxing, ya know?

I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time, probably since my lower twenties and questioned it after every party. At least than I still drank for the good time. When I wanted to go sober for a month a year ago I knew by than I was an alcoholic and had repeatedly been telling myself that all year. I don’t like failing and to admit I was an alcoholic before I was ready to quit meant failing. If I didn’t have that moment where I woke up and said I was done I would have gone back. And to fail and drink again meant shame. I don’t handle shame that well…normally I just drink it away….so we can see how a chain reaction would occur.

A year ago I said I was going to be done with bulimia and drinking but no one can stop addictions without understanding why they exist otherwise there will always be something else that feeds whats underneath. People can stop being bulimic but than become anorexic, or they can go the other way and eat everything in sight. There shouldn’t have to be such restraint on ones life if they are at peace with themselves. Saying that, I do not think not drinking is a restraint but alcohol itself is the restraint. Now I just have to relearn how to live because living is something I have never done.

In a way the freedom feels overwhelming. What do I do? I can start my art again, I can learn to cook more chef worthy meals because I love cooking, I can get in shape at the gym, I can enjoy long walks with my pup, I can save money, I can buy nice clothes, I can get my nails done, I can decide I want to go camping on a weekend somewhere, I feel like a prisoner being set free in a world that I don’t recognize.


I feel exhausted today. Like not sleep tired but my body feels like it has been hit by a bus. According to my sleep monitor I didn’t sleep that well. I was pretty active yesterday though so that could be contributing but I know its mainly my body going through a lot internally with recovery. I recall being exhausted last year as well. My hair is feeling better, I buy expensive shampoo and conditioner to deal with the effects of alcohol but even those were starting to not work

For some reason knowing I am done is actually less stressful. I remember last year when trying to stop for a month I still stressed about what I could drink on low carb and what I could drink at hockey games and what would be too much and if I would have enough money for drinks plus I had wine decor all around me. Addiction is weird…I am more at peace knowing I can never have liquor again than when I just wanted to take a break.

I notice I am having a lot of twitch like movements, like I need to always move, it’s not really shakes though, just constantly having to move, even if its my fingers. I don’t have cravings though. I am feeling music more.


Trying to figure out finances and getting billing in order for my new job I am realizing how close I was to losing so much. Like…I am just having to sell some things to stay on track this month but damn…where the fuck did all my money go? Oh yeah, binging and drinking. Although I was drinking the same amount as my worst a year ago, but shit, I was keeping it all down this time because I didn’t purge, fuuuuuuck. I would have lost my friends too, I know that. Honestly eventually I would have not been a good influence around my daughter either.


I am really curious to know how I will be once I am fully detoxed. I have always had some sort of chaos from the time I was in my birthmothers womb, until now. The past is fully understood and accepted, the bulimia is gone, and eventually so will the alcohol, I have never had internal and external stability. I have never had real freedom.


Peace

Happy Fourth?

Well, this is my third day sober, although I am not sure Tuesday actually counts since I was drunk past midnight that morning, whatever, I’ll count it. I wonder when I will stop counting, the only reason I remember how long I have been bulimia free is because the last time I purged was new years eve.


I’ve never really been a fan of the fourth of July, not because I don’t think independence is important but mainly because being Native American it doesn’t really seem like its much a holiday, like we were already free until europeans came and killed us all off…also, right in the declaration of independence we are referred to as “merciless indian savages,” soooo……yeah. But hey, I am at least sober this time…so…not dependent on alcohol for Independence day like over 8 million Americans.


It is easy to say you are done drinking but its harder to hold through. I would like to say recovering from bulimia was harder but I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember. I know bulimia recovery was painful, very painful physically. Emotionally in a way too because of my changing body, but that is still something that I am trying to deal with. Realistically this will get easier because as we all know I try to keep my carbs lower with a diet primarily of eggs, fresh and steamed veggies, and lean meats. However, if I am doing low carb than drinking than that is obviously upping my carbs beyond “low carb” and calories. So a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet has not been good to my body. Not to mention drinking normally made me crave some kind of greasy high carb shit when hungover or even during drinking. I know now that I am done my body will start getting back in shape. In a way I do not think I can say I am fully recovered from bulimia because there were many times that I downed liquor just to deal with the negative thoughts and changing body, there are still some thoughts I will have to deal with. But even more-so, the alcohol. See, when I was bulimic I was throwing up so much that it was just natural for my body to throw food up than keep it down, once my body got used to keeping food down that was it…I started digesting normally and that was that, but alcohol, it’s so much more than that because it’s a chemical addiction, and when I am fully detoxed, it then becomes mental. It’s a mental of wanting to open that beer on a hot summer day, it’s wine on cold lonely nights in the dead of winter, it’s free margaritas on your birthday, its opening up champagne to celebrate an event, and its a social addiction, because everything I mentioned is the way society is. It’s a social addiction that will always want to feed the mental addiction. I have been seven months bulimia free, I wonder what it will be like to be seven months sober.


It has been a rough day of ups and downs, everything normal of detoxing, luckily I am a fast healer. The shakes are gone, the bloating is getting better, I think I have had a normal bowel movement but I cannot remember, I am hoping my short term memory gets better. I have been cleaning a lot. I got rid of all my wine decorations. I had a fun day with my daughter and her parents and Bailey. Just have to take it step by step, we all know I will though.


Peace

I am an Alcoholic

Whats a life without drinking? Shit…I feel like I wrote this a year ago.

Damn, I am such a broken record, but as my best friend said, only because I don’t ever give up.

A year ago I wanted to blog about being sober for a month, I didn’t make it. I fooled myself and when I had any feelings of guilt I drank them away. I told myself it was just one, just two, just three, than after awhile just said fuck it why not a bottle, why not a bottle and some beers, why not two bottles and some beers…I can’t stay sober for a month, no, I just have to plain stay sober, because I am an alcoholic. No, I don’t need rehab, I’m just done.


Its a relieving feeling when all the puzzle pieces come together. For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay, I have never felt that assurance before. My body is still full of poison but my mind feels more at peace than it ever has before. The recruiter was the last puzzle piece and the reason I couldn’t pinpoint where the darkness was is because it was in my mind. How could I heal from the past if I couldn’t understand it? Healing starts with accepting but you need to understand something to accept it. Everything makes sense now. It’s an overwhelming happy feeling to be free, but also a very sad feeling to know how much pain you have caused loved ones.


I’m having some shakes, nothing bad, I’ve had a lot worst. I got a primary doctor set up yesterday, that was fun, ya know, just flat laid out my history. It’s weird being seven months bulimia free. She listened closely and ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel ,vitamin b12, folate, serum , magnesium, pap, liquid based and a hemogram blood work. I only have gotten the hemogram back, everything fell within normal ranges but my platelet count was on the higher end of normal. I need to know if I have caused my body any permanent damage.

It was kind of funny after all the tests were done she asked if there was anything else I needed to add about my medical history, I told her I think that was enough LOL, she laughed with me though. I was very detailed.

I think my magnesium may come back out of range, I get muscle cramps a lot. I could see my B12 being off at times too, my breathing is really shallow after I drink. Its like I have to take deeper breaths to get oxygen flowing to get up. I’ve been having more stomach pains in the morning, I thought maybe it was lasting effects from the bulimia but when she felt around and had me take deep breaths it was around my liver and gallbladder region that there was pain. Sooo…I guess I am just waiting to see what the results are.


I think I’ve been haunted by a demon or pretty close. Although its really hard to know what are illusions and what aren’t at times. I know that I’ll probably be getting worst nightmares for awhile but I don’t know, I kept hearing something whispering in my ear a few days ago and I am pretty sure I have dreamt about whatever it is. Maybe it’s a demon of my mind, the poison not wanting to let me go. I think after I am fully detoxed I will be able to answer this better.


Downing liquid is probably the best thing I can do right now. I ordered groceries, lots of teas, sparkling water, and veggies that I can steam. I am pretty sure my tummy is going to go through a rough couple days. My shits smell like acetone on a daily basis. I bought quite a bit of white meat too, lean protein to help keep me going. It’s honestly this or death at this point. I will be okay though. 🙂 I’m finally free. The storm is gone.

Fuck it’s only taken a year.

 

Depression

Many days are a struggle, some are worst than others like today. I do not see the point on living a lot days, I think this is happening more often than not right now. I don’t see the point to my life. It’s exhausting to struggle alone. It’s exhausting to not be able to communicate the anxiety and pain. What is the point of the struggle? Some would say god, but we all know I find that a load of crap. Others would say children but I will never bring another child into this shitty world. It’s hard enough being a birthmother. It’s not a bad thing to be a birthmother, but there is definitely a heartache every time you think about how your daughter will never call you mom. I wonder if thats how my birthmother felt. Who knows, she had other kids to call her mom though. I live paycheck to paycheck and struggle hard to make ends meet, especially now. More money hasn’t gotten me ahead, it’s just helped me afford security and stability but the stress is still there, maybe more so these days because there is more fear of failing. What is the point of this stress? Realistically I could die and time will continue to move on. Why am I wanting to be healthy? To live longer in this fucked up world? I will feel better again soon, I always do, but all it takes is a reality check and a moment of weakness against my thoughts to realize how insignificant I really am. I hate this world. I really don’t think I was meant to be born in this time. I used to use binging and purging as a way to cope with these emotions, since I am over that, now I am just empty. So so empty. My eyes are swollen again, I am about out of ice. I will never be good enough for anyone or anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more optimistic for my readers, I can’t always be a role model. It’s just one of those days, I am sure many of you are all too familiar. It will pass, right? I will just go take a shower and put on the happy costume.

Keeping My Head Up

It sucks when you no longer find the fulfillment in a workplace because of mismanagement. It’s depressing to even come here. I have been trying to switch departments but with the cluster-fuck that happened and “miscommunication” of my manager, I am fairly certain I will not be accepted anywhere since I was written up by HR. All I did was give a shit about those we serve, oh well. There is nothing I can do but come to work and hope for the best. I feel like every other average worker these days. I need to stop caring so much about helping people, or I guess caring about those that are able to help people, I don’t know. It’s bullshit. In the perfect world I could just be a privileged college kid who’s primary focus is school. I could just be a normal student for once. Well, I cannot be, I have to pay bills.

Speaking of such, I have mentioned that I have a tuition waiver for NDSU. The issue I am running into however is that they don’t really offer a psychology degree online, many of the classes have to be done in class. It just so happens professors work the same hours that I do so it is a very conflicting schedule. I am taking four classes this fall semester that will count towards my electives and requirements, but I am already starting the year behind because three of them are electives rather than the requirements that other students in my class will be taking. I could always transfer to UND in Spring since they offer online classes, the problem is I do not have the tuition scholarship there. I am really trying not to think about the situation for work and school, I am just hoping for a really good opportunity to come along work wise that can work perfectly with school.


My legs are feeling yesterday, it’s a good ache though. I went to the gym this morning but my stupid headphones decided to give out on me. I cannot really have a good cardio workout without music blasting in my ears, I need the music to escape from my mind. Tomorrow I see my PT again so Thursday my arms will be whats sore, I like the pain though.


I am trying to get a lot more fluids in me. I have recently been having a lot more issues with swelling in my legs. I contribute this to always sitting on my ass all day since eighty percent of my workload has been taken from me. I have cut back a lot on drinking as well since that was just adding up carbs and sodium and would work against the hydration. I see some positive results but I think as long as I have a job where I am on my ass all day the effects will still be there. I am trying to walk around more but when work makes you feel miserable it’s hard to want to do anything. I am not sure how much longer I have here if no other departments will accept me due to “miscommunication”. I really am hoping for the best.


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I still love La Croix’s….like seriously, Grapefruit is my new favorite flavor. No sodium, no sugar, no carbs, just pure perfection.


FullSizeR

It has been very gloomy lately; cold, wet, overcast, the air smells like dog shit and construction. It’s kinda the smell all over town, like when the clouds just keep everything masked in. I boiled chicken all day Sunday and than made it into a yummy soup yesterday. I bought a new spice rack so I was very happy to have Rosemary again. I used a lot of seasonings in this soup, very low carb, high protein, and a power meal full of vitamins and minerals. It was delicious and made my tummy nice and warm.


ALSO, I can’t believe I ever saw myself as “so fat!” as a letter carrier. I was roughly 130 pounds here, but my legs were pure muscle so that added weight. I was wearing layered clothes here because the temps were sub-zero and my uniform was still baggy! Like I have two layers of pants on here and the thigh portion of my legs were literally twice the size because I have a rectangle figure. So so dumb, my hip bones easily showed underneath as well as my ribs, and I still wanted to lose another twenty pounds. Ugh!

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Well, I do not have much more to write about this morning. I am trying to keep my head up but it does suck lately. Also, as for my book, the kindle version is officially $5.99

and the paper back is $8.99

For some reason they are not connected on Amazon. Also, I am not sure if people who click Facebook links can write reviews since Amazon doesn’t allow friends or family to review, so I found GoodReads that will allow

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45312705-sixty?from_search=true

So please review! 🙂 


Well, my coffee mug is empty so I think I will go fill it. If anyone has any ideas of how to promote my book further I would love to hear it. I have been getting quite a few likes on FB from advertising in San Francisco, New York, Orlando, and Chicago (I wanted high populated areas to reach further). Those advertisements should be ending in the next few days. My free book promo ended at midnight last night. So yeah, if anyone has good ideas, let me know 🙂 Well, have a good day peeps.