Hormones Equal Bleh

I wish I could say that the reasoning behind not blogging lately has been because everything is fine and dandy but that would not be honest. I am trying though, lets get to it I suppose.

I am having my IUD removed today. It has been almost four months and the symptoms are not getting any better, in fact I feel as if they are getting worst. I am still constantly bleeding. I always have cramping or pressure of some sort and ironically when I am not bleeding is when I have the worst cramping. These cramps feel like labor pains, no joke. My epidural did not work when I had my daughter so I felt those pains perfectly and this is what my cramps are like. They literally feel like contractions and there are ones that bring me down to my knees occasionally or I will be fine and than get a sharp stabbing pain. My weight gain has been extreme with so much bloating yet my eating habits are fairly normal and mainly low carb like usual. I have been dealing with bowel issues, being mega constipated and than on the other side of the spectrum to where I feel like I have no control. I admit the breast size increase has been flattering but it does no good when they are always tender and in pain. My back pain has been a lot worst, its all over my lower pelvis region, it used to just be the sciatic nerve but now its just constant stabs all over. And than there’s the moods, there is not a single good thing to say about them. I cry almost every day over something, I am always angry or hyper as shit. I feel bipolar or schizophrenic when there is really no reason why I could be either, sure there is the borderline but that has greatly improved and should have really decreased with the lack of alcohol. I feel like I’m in a fog of negativity, I can’t stand anything. I am tired of waiting for these symptoms to pass, after all they say some women it takes 3-6 months for the body to get used to it but I don’t think I want to wait. There’s too many stories of women who waited and regretted it. Even if all my symptoms can’t be attributed to the IUD, I feel a majority can, and once I get rid of it I can deal with what is left over if any.

So I am having it removed in the next couple hours, there is an IUD Crash that I have been reading about. I am trying to prepare for it if it happens, I am hoping it doesn’t too terribly though. It is not like I have had it for years and am withdrawing, its been a few months is all. I am hoping for the best.

The drinking is still non existent, even through all this shit. I am not saying I wouldn’t have loved a drink but I have stuck to my sobriety. I am hoping the urges decrease when my hormones balance out.

The bulimia has come back a couple times. I don’t know if its actually considered a relapse when its been an occasional vomit here and there. I think this will also go back to being away fully again once my hormones and body changes balance out. It is really shitty to be eating right and my body be out of control.


Well, that was yesterday. I am actually feeling a lot better today. The moment the doctor pulled it out I felt a huge sigh of relief. I have random bits of crying and than major energy so my moods are bipolar. It is to be expected. For the first time in four months I do not feel cramps at all, its nice. I have no weird headache pressure feeling. I think my mega bloating is starting to subside a little. All in all, first day without my IUD and I feel so much better, I woke up feeling really good too.


AAAAAaaaaaand, that was yesterday. I think my body has pretty much shut down at this point. I had bad cramps yesterday and a weird fatigue that brought me down for a bit and today I am dealing with this weird exhaustion while going through a tampon every hour, well, I guess now it has been a couple hours finally, but I was a little concerned for a bit. I am still waiting to be a bloody monster so am hesitant to go to bed early, so I am just on couch rest.

I did not realize how many issues such a small IUD could have. I mean, I read stories but I sure didn’t dig into the negative side too much because I really thought I would be fine, I didn’t even get the copper one because that one was supposed to be the one that had the issues. Anyways, I am just waiting to get back to normal I guess. I didn’t have any hair fall out in the shower this morning so that was nice, I took like five showers today though since for awhile I was soaking through everything so fast. I really hope I have no long term damage, I think chances are slim since I only had it in like four months, so we will see. I have lost about five pounds also the past couple days, I am not as bloated so I attribute it to water weight and blood loss lol. Honestly though, removal is the best choice I made, I am happy to go through these issues knowing it is no longer inside me.

Onto other news, we are in the middle of a pretty good blizzard right now. It looks like there is a vortex right in the middle of the Midwest and the blizzard is just circling above us. Its nice because I got hazardous weather pay today. I am very excited for this because it is already a short week with the new year.

I am still looking for a second job but actually have switched to looking for a full time job and than make the bank part time. It just doesn’t offer what I am looking for these days and honestly banks are fairly boring.

I was planning on blogging more tonight but I have once again gotten hit with a wave of fatigue. I have been doing a lot of self finding even though I haven’t been blogging. I really need to blog more, I know it always helps with that soul searching, I hope that once my hormones are back to normal I will feel so good. If not than I guess I will just see where I am at and go from there.

Sorry for this being literally ALL OVER the place. Hormones are a bitch honestly. Well, have a good night peeps. Be good to yourselves, I will try to blog more in the upcoming days and whatnot. Be hopeful and optimistic, goodnight.

 

Running Start

I applied for the biomanufacturing place I used to work, I doubt I will get it but I doesn’t hurt to try. I do not like feeling like I am on a sinking ship. I also want to have a career where I know I make some sort of impact in the world. I won’t be even close to the department I was once in but instead in research grade labs if I get the position. It’s worth a try, the worst they can say is no and I am still waiting for something better to come along. I really do need to learn to bite my tongue more, I have been considering a tongue ring for this reason.


Today was a good day, I spent it with my daughter and her mom. We have been talking more about internal feelings and such to get them out and open. I think its a good thing. There was no fighting, but damn, I was a really bitchy fucking hurtful drunk. I never wanted to hear it before. I always told my daughters mom that if I said anything it didn’t matter because I was drunk but that shits not right. It does help me though because there have been times I think one drink won’t be too terrible but shit, it will.

My dad is an alcoholic, the same kind as me, can go years and whatever without it but when he has it he can’t stop. I know he gets cravings and whatnot but I think the therapy has really helped him. (I know I have mentioned in my book about growing up with a dad with PTSD from Vietnam and other life’s trauma, and now the agent orange being the fucker it is) Anyways, the reason he said he stopped drinking was when my two oldest brothers were kids *before my third brother was born* he was hungover pretty bad all day one day. When he put the boys to bed they said their nighttime prayers and my second oldest brother prayed that his daddy would never be so sick again. He never really drank again after that, I know him and my mom had started trying wine last year but stopped abruptly, never said why but I am fairly certain something happened. Anyways, a guilty image I always have of myself is being hungover on my daughters parents couch when she was a little toddler, like maybe a year old, possibly two but still little, and I was too hungover on the couch to really enjoy the time with them. It’s shameful to think about but I don’t want to miss anymore times like that. I also don’t ever want to say hurtful shit while drunk again. Alcohol is a bitch.


We did not end up getting the Armageddon blizzard everyone was talking about, just a few inches and much of it melted as it landed. I was fairly bummed because I have really been wanting to try out my AWD on my car I got earlier this year. Oh well, its still the beginning of winter, not even actually.


I am going to try and make the holidays the best they can be for my daughter. We are going to decorate their home tomorrow. I want my daughter to have great memories about Christmas.


I need to be more appreciative of what I have. I have worked very hard to achieve all that I wanted, and even though I am not yet where I want I have worked very fucking hard. I just need to learn to breath. I am getting better at that I know but damn, I just need to calm down at times. I am in a place I could only dream of four years ago, shit even three, hell maybe even two. I will be successful. I just gotta breath.


Well, that was my update for today peeps. I hope everyone had a good one, I am trying to find a new show to binge watch, I am on withdrawal from The Handmaids Tale. I think I might start some K-Drama or something. Have a good night everyone, be good to yourselves, and if your not, thats okay too, just don’t be too hard on yourself. Good night.

Invincible

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.


I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 


I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.


I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.


It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 


I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.

Unbearable Thirst

Its an unbearable thirst, detoxing that is, and maybe I am not even detoxing at this point, but all I want is a drink, I need a drink, no fluids satisfy me. In fact I am taking a piss at least once every hour if not more. I want my mind to be gone. I want to be gone. I want to fall and fly at the same time. I want to breath and choke. I want to scream, cry, and fight. Gawd please someone just beat the shit out of me. No shakes but right now I could go for them. I could go for feeling like shit so this feeling of need would go away. Nothing entertains me, I even got a new iPad Pro today, but I am still so bored, so bored with this life, so bored with myself, so bored with all my shit, I just want that good time, fuck the repercussions right? Come on everybody let the good time roll. I sure hope the Zofran helps, I doubled that dose, it’s the best I could think of doing for myself. Fuck this unrelenting thirst, I feel like vampire that has been sleeping for ages. The fuck is this shit.

Meh, Detoxing, ya know?

I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time, probably since my lower twenties and questioned it after every party. At least than I still drank for the good time. When I wanted to go sober for a month a year ago I knew by than I was an alcoholic and had repeatedly been telling myself that all year. I don’t like failing and to admit I was an alcoholic before I was ready to quit meant failing. If I didn’t have that moment where I woke up and said I was done I would have gone back. And to fail and drink again meant shame. I don’t handle shame that well…normally I just drink it away….so we can see how a chain reaction would occur.

A year ago I said I was going to be done with bulimia and drinking but no one can stop addictions without understanding why they exist otherwise there will always be something else that feeds whats underneath. People can stop being bulimic but than become anorexic, or they can go the other way and eat everything in sight. There shouldn’t have to be such restraint on ones life if they are at peace with themselves. Saying that, I do not think not drinking is a restraint but alcohol itself is the restraint. Now I just have to relearn how to live because living is something I have never done.

In a way the freedom feels overwhelming. What do I do? I can start my art again, I can learn to cook more chef worthy meals because I love cooking, I can get in shape at the gym, I can enjoy long walks with my pup, I can save money, I can buy nice clothes, I can get my nails done, I can decide I want to go camping on a weekend somewhere, I feel like a prisoner being set free in a world that I don’t recognize.


I feel exhausted today. Like not sleep tired but my body feels like it has been hit by a bus. According to my sleep monitor I didn’t sleep that well. I was pretty active yesterday though so that could be contributing but I know its mainly my body going through a lot internally with recovery. I recall being exhausted last year as well. My hair is feeling better, I buy expensive shampoo and conditioner to deal with the effects of alcohol but even those were starting to not work

For some reason knowing I am done is actually less stressful. I remember last year when trying to stop for a month I still stressed about what I could drink on low carb and what I could drink at hockey games and what would be too much and if I would have enough money for drinks plus I had wine decor all around me. Addiction is weird…I am more at peace knowing I can never have liquor again than when I just wanted to take a break.

I notice I am having a lot of twitch like movements, like I need to always move, it’s not really shakes though, just constantly having to move, even if its my fingers. I don’t have cravings though. I am feeling music more.


Trying to figure out finances and getting billing in order for my new job I am realizing how close I was to losing so much. Like…I am just having to sell some things to stay on track this month but damn…where the fuck did all my money go? Oh yeah, binging and drinking. Although I was drinking the same amount as my worst a year ago, but shit, I was keeping it all down this time because I didn’t purge, fuuuuuuck. I would have lost my friends too, I know that. Honestly eventually I would have not been a good influence around my daughter either.


I am really curious to know how I will be once I am fully detoxed. I have always had some sort of chaos from the time I was in my birthmothers womb, until now. The past is fully understood and accepted, the bulimia is gone, and eventually so will the alcohol, I have never had internal and external stability. I have never had real freedom.


Peace

Happy Fourth?

Well, this is my third day sober, although I am not sure Tuesday actually counts since I was drunk past midnight that morning, whatever, I’ll count it. I wonder when I will stop counting, the only reason I remember how long I have been bulimia free is because the last time I purged was new years eve.


I’ve never really been a fan of the fourth of July, not because I don’t think independence is important but mainly because being Native American it doesn’t really seem like its much a holiday, like we were already free until europeans came and killed us all off…also, right in the declaration of independence we are referred to as “merciless indian savages,” soooo……yeah. But hey, I am at least sober this time…so…not dependent on alcohol for Independence day like over 8 million Americans.


It is easy to say you are done drinking but its harder to hold through. I would like to say recovering from bulimia was harder but I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember. I know bulimia recovery was painful, very painful physically. Emotionally in a way too because of my changing body, but that is still something that I am trying to deal with. Realistically this will get easier because as we all know I try to keep my carbs lower with a diet primarily of eggs, fresh and steamed veggies, and lean meats. However, if I am doing low carb than drinking than that is obviously upping my carbs beyond “low carb” and calories. So a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet has not been good to my body. Not to mention drinking normally made me crave some kind of greasy high carb shit when hungover or even during drinking. I know now that I am done my body will start getting back in shape. In a way I do not think I can say I am fully recovered from bulimia because there were many times that I downed liquor just to deal with the negative thoughts and changing body, there are still some thoughts I will have to deal with. But even more-so, the alcohol. See, when I was bulimic I was throwing up so much that it was just natural for my body to throw food up than keep it down, once my body got used to keeping food down that was it…I started digesting normally and that was that, but alcohol, it’s so much more than that because it’s a chemical addiction, and when I am fully detoxed, it then becomes mental. It’s a mental of wanting to open that beer on a hot summer day, it’s wine on cold lonely nights in the dead of winter, it’s free margaritas on your birthday, its opening up champagne to celebrate an event, and its a social addiction, because everything I mentioned is the way society is. It’s a social addiction that will always want to feed the mental addiction. I have been seven months bulimia free, I wonder what it will be like to be seven months sober.


It has been a rough day of ups and downs, everything normal of detoxing, luckily I am a fast healer. The shakes are gone, the bloating is getting better, I think I have had a normal bowel movement but I cannot remember, I am hoping my short term memory gets better. I have been cleaning a lot. I got rid of all my wine decorations. I had a fun day with my daughter and her parents and Bailey. Just have to take it step by step, we all know I will though.


Peace

I am an Alcoholic

Whats a life without drinking? Shit…I feel like I wrote this a year ago.

Damn, I am such a broken record, but as my best friend said, only because I don’t ever give up.

A year ago I wanted to blog about being sober for a month, I didn’t make it. I fooled myself and when I had any feelings of guilt I drank them away. I told myself it was just one, just two, just three, than after awhile just said fuck it why not a bottle, why not a bottle and some beers, why not two bottles and some beers…I can’t stay sober for a month, no, I just have to plain stay sober, because I am an alcoholic. No, I don’t need rehab, I’m just done.


Its a relieving feeling when all the puzzle pieces come together. For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay, I have never felt that assurance before. My body is still full of poison but my mind feels more at peace than it ever has before. The recruiter was the last puzzle piece and the reason I couldn’t pinpoint where the darkness was is because it was in my mind. How could I heal from the past if I couldn’t understand it? Healing starts with accepting but you need to understand something to accept it. Everything makes sense now. It’s an overwhelming happy feeling to be free, but also a very sad feeling to know how much pain you have caused loved ones.


I’m having some shakes, nothing bad, I’ve had a lot worst. I got a primary doctor set up yesterday, that was fun, ya know, just flat laid out my history. It’s weird being seven months bulimia free. She listened closely and ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel ,vitamin b12, folate, serum , magnesium, pap, liquid based and a hemogram blood work. I only have gotten the hemogram back, everything fell within normal ranges but my platelet count was on the higher end of normal. I need to know if I have caused my body any permanent damage.

It was kind of funny after all the tests were done she asked if there was anything else I needed to add about my medical history, I told her I think that was enough LOL, she laughed with me though. I was very detailed.

I think my magnesium may come back out of range, I get muscle cramps a lot. I could see my B12 being off at times too, my breathing is really shallow after I drink. Its like I have to take deeper breaths to get oxygen flowing to get up. I’ve been having more stomach pains in the morning, I thought maybe it was lasting effects from the bulimia but when she felt around and had me take deep breaths it was around my liver and gallbladder region that there was pain. Sooo…I guess I am just waiting to see what the results are.


I think I’ve been haunted by a demon or pretty close. Although its really hard to know what are illusions and what aren’t at times. I know that I’ll probably be getting worst nightmares for awhile but I don’t know, I kept hearing something whispering in my ear a few days ago and I am pretty sure I have dreamt about whatever it is. Maybe it’s a demon of my mind, the poison not wanting to let me go. I think after I am fully detoxed I will be able to answer this better.


Downing liquid is probably the best thing I can do right now. I ordered groceries, lots of teas, sparkling water, and veggies that I can steam. I am pretty sure my tummy is going to go through a rough couple days. My shits smell like acetone on a daily basis. I bought quite a bit of white meat too, lean protein to help keep me going. It’s honestly this or death at this point. I will be okay though. 🙂 I’m finally free. The storm is gone.

Fuck it’s only taken a year.