I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.
I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.
My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.
Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!
There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.
Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.
I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.
I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.
I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.
My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.
I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!
I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.
Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!
Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.
“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”
It can also be said, don’t let todays mistakes define tomorrow. Yes I purged today, but I did not binge as much. Yes I ate more calories than I should have, but I throughly enjoyed my smoothie and kept it down. I know I am gaining weight, but as a friend told me, I am looking more like a woman than a girl. I need to start learning to enjoy life more, because even though I do not believe this life is all there is, it very well could be. We could all be dead tomorrow, do I really want my bad habits to be all that my life has been about?
“You only fail when you stop trying”
“Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of each step you take toward reaching that goal.”
This was quoted by our Vice President. It is a little inspiring when trying to achieve excellence and to better oneself.. Our company is doing extremely well and growing very fast so its unlimited overtime right now. I am happy to be a part of this company, its nice to have a job I can take pride in and not always have to be waiting to deal with management. Management is very respectful here. I am lucky to have a job that I enjoy and am proud of but I do not have my life centered around it. I think too many people look for fulfillment in work and forget about living their life as a whole.
I am trying to be optimistic about finances. I do not think we will be getting a Christmas bonus at work and I was sort of really hoping on that for getting ahead. I am not too terribly in the hole, I just won’t get where I wanted to be. I just need to keep on pushing, I know I will make it to where I want to be financially eventually. I signed up to be a human guinea pig for a study. Since no one has taken my previous shitty apartment, our company won’t be giving out a Christmas bonus, and I wont be getting as much back from my college dispersement as I was hoping, finances just became a bit more difficult.
Funny side story of how my mind works. I went out to eat with my daughters mom tonight. It was a tavern neither of us had ever tried before. I briefly looked at the menu online and thought it looked good, the typical foods of pizza, burgers, salads, and pasta. Well, when we got there it seemed a bit loud, after all, it was a tavern. It was very pretty but took about 20 minutes for us to get sat since its new and popular. Well, everything was going okay until I looked at the menu. I am already a very indecisive person but the menu was mostly BYO. It had BYO pizza, BYO salads, and BYO burgers. There were tons of choices for each section as well. The table had slips to fill out for the BYO. It took me quite a while to look through the menu so I decided I would just build my own burger, safe and cheap. I thought about the pizza but there was no size so I didn’t know how good of a deal I was getting and I didn’t know how well the salad was chopped up. I chose a burger, bun, cheese, lettuce leaf, tomatoes, pickles, and then I got to the onions. There were raw onions or caramelized onions. If I chose caramelized onions than I would be better off choosing the shredded lettuce instead and using a special sauce but then it would taste weird with the tomatoes and pickles. If I took those off then I would want a pretzel bun rather than a croissant bun. I would also than need to change the cheese. But than if I chose the raw onions than I would literally be paying 13$ for a regular cheeseburger. BUT THEN I saw onion strings and if I chose onion strings then I would want bacon and the special bbq sauce but then would need to change the cheese again and add coleslaw. But if I did that then I should change it from a hamburger patty to a crispy chicken patty. All of a sudden my mind couldn’t think straight and the room started getting really loud and I got really cold and lightheaded and felt like crying because of the stupid onions. I then started thinking about the time and how I was feeling so rushed because my daughter would need to be going to bed in a couple hours and it would take me an hour to just choose my toppings. I ended up calming down and getting a burger that was already on the menu, it was very good. I ordered onion rings and those were amazing. I ended up having a couple beers while having a great time.
I still have one last speech to do tomorrow, a persuasive speech. I have yet to choose a topic. I am so bad at deciding on things yet I hate rules. I guess I should get started on that…(I will probably watch tv). Well, have a good night everyone. I will try to write more tomorrow. Be good to yourself and strive for excellence. Goodnight!
It’s been a long month. I think life is finally settling down.
So biggest thing that happened was I moved and I absolutely love my new apartment. It was a very much needed move. I felt myself losing grasp and hope that I could never get out of that shithole so I took the leap. Right when I walked into this apartment (I had toured a few) I knew it was the one. I moved in on the 10th I believe and have been sleeping in the dark ever since. Bailey is starting to fatten up and his anxiety has gone down so much and he is growing back bald patches of fur. The cats will lay on the windowsill and purr for no reason. I have yet to have someone take over my other lease. I have 2 months free for this apartment so will pay December and January for the other apartment. If no one takes over the lease by the end of January then when I get my loan dispersement from college I will use that to pay out the remainder of the lease. It ends end of April. I think it is prorated at 60 percent. We will see, I just needed out of that building. I felt like garbage living there. This apartment does cost quite a bit more but I will do a human study in January hopefully and than will use that to spread out over the lease so its cheaper per month.
I have my own laundry room also, never have to share laundry again. I am excited to use the balcony this summer, the sunsets are amazing and I have such a good view of traffic. Its a top floor corner apartment. I found a home.
Well, I finally had enough of my partner and completely told her off last week. It was amazing. So we all know I have been having problems with her for awhile because she’s ugly inside and out. I went to my boss’s manager and HR to make an official complaint because she has been getting worst. I wrote up about three pages of shit she’s done and said about me and how nasty I have seen her towards other people when management or “popular” people aren’t around. From what I understand from others, there are managers keeping tabs on her. My boss is now hiring for another shipping partner for me (I NEED ONE! WE HAVE PICKED UP LIKE CRAZY!) as well as another packaging person. I am thinking what the plan is is to give her another packaging partner to train and if need be they can let her go. Right now she is the only one who knows packaging well, I somewhat know it but it would really hurt if I had to do it all myself, plus theres protocols and I would need a partner to be verifying all my files. So right now she loves to act like she’s invincible but eventually she won’t be. I am no where near the only one who is having problems with her, but I started a pretty decent complaint process so we will see what happens.
Anyways, I told her off pretty hard, yelling and pointing my finger at her because I honestly just got tired of her shit. I have been feeling great ever since. She still annoys the fuck out of me but she is rarely near me. She is also very nice to me now, although I know its all fake and she’s still talking shit, but she’s an old hag who eats everything in site….soooo… Who cares? Soon, I will not deal with her because once I get a partner she is OUT of my office and I will have NOTHING to do with her other than receiving shipments. A friend of mine from the Post Office applied to be my partner…I am really crossing my fingers she gets it. She’s a really hard worker and very sweet.
Eating Wise/ Drinking wise
It was pretty rough there for a while with the binging and purging. I never felt like I was getting a break from stress between home, personal, and work life. I was always feeling like I was going to have a panic attack at any minute. I felt it really effecting my heart and mind. Of course I used the drinking to combat that. Pretty sure that was a double edged sword to do but theres a place I have to get to to get the strength and courage to leap. Pretty much I figured either I would slowly kill myself or I needed to change everything that was wrong. Now that life is falling into place I am trying to eat better. My drinking tolerance is starting to go down I feel. I am keeping food down more. I think I just need to eat a small amount of food at a time. I had 2 eggs with peppers and onions cooked in coconut oil for breakfast and I feel good. I have been trying to drink more water also. I kind of want to take a month off from drinking again. I am trying to remember to take fish oil for my heart and a vitamin. I’ve started taking my probiotic again also. We will see how this goes.
Hmm..well, I think I am ready to start dating again. I have never really had a healthy relationship though so I will be cautious. I will be having coffee with a guy who works with the lady who runs the dog meetups. I am excited to meet him as we have only had contact over the phone. If nothing comes of it well than at least I will probably have a friend. If something does happen great. I am not desperate. He is fairly successful and has a really good career. He loves to travel and is active outdoors. He only drinks socially and loves animals. He seems like someone worth having at least coffee with.
Bailey and I will be attending a pup meetup this Sunday so I am excited for that. He has been going to daycare 1-2 times weekly. The girls who run it have told me he is becoming so much more open and plays with others a lot. I am hoping to see this in action since some of the pups are familiar with each other. He seems to be a lot happier. I like that he is not so scrawny anymore.
Well, in a nutshell that has been what has been going on. Next week is the last week of school and I am so excited for the semester to be over. Its been a rough year lol. I am excited for the year to be over honestly. I have decorated a little for Christmas, its been rough since this is the first year without my grandma. She died December 11th last year. There is a nice lady who will be giving me some more decorations since money is tight. I am trying little by little to be happy.
Well, I should probably get to work. Have a good day everyone!
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
We live in a cruel cruel world where people can only save themselves. But what if someone doesn’t want to be saved? What if the emptiness of being alone is too deep? At some point one can only handle their hearts being broken so many times. My feelings are always wrong to have. I do not have a purpose in this life, my only purpose was to give couples children and I have done that. As a child it was to be just a fuck toy for perverts. I am always upsetting and disappointing everyone around me. I do not see my daughter much these days. She does not need me. This week is her birthday, talk about feeling extra inferior with all the presents everyone is able to give her. I am happy for her though, she will never know poverty or welfare. She will never be a stupid loser who always has people give her that look of disappointment. It is easier to be alone. This is all too familiar. There is really no room for me in their lives anyways. The ticking has stopped but I can not sense anything ahead of me. I feel almost a weird sense of relief in a way, but I do not know why. This is my last push to survive.
Here comes the pain…maybe. I took my probiotic this morning and an hour later ate a salad. I need to start being better to my tummy. I need to be better to myself actually. I know I am like a broke robot, I say the same thing over and over.
Well, I was hopeful this morning but it ended up being another b/p day. Gawd, I was doing so well. Why is sugar so addictive? Why is the b/p so comforting? Its like I am watching myself from the outside do the same cycle over and over again.
I like when I clock out on a Wednesday with almost 30 hours. I have been busting my butt with work and school work but theres no hockey this weekend and I am past midterms so hopefully life with settle down for a week or so. I need to start balancing out my life. Pssh…I am sure I sound like a broken clock by this point. I am trying though, I really am.
It is weird to look at my baby and toddler pictures. Like damn, how could life go so wrong?