suicide

Grapes

Today I am going to talk about grapes, red grapes in particular because that is what I am eating for breakfast.

-Grapes contain healthy carbs, antioxidants, fiber, vitamins K,A,C,B6, potassium, calcium, phosphorous, calcium and just the right amount of sodium. They also have riboflavin, niacin, thiamine, and folate. So nutrient wise grapes are like a holy grail.

-Reduce aging, reduce chances of a heart attack, and filters out toxins in the blood.

-HELP WITH CONSTIPATION

-Helps control asthma, diabetes, cataracts, migraines, indigestion, fatigue, and studies are even showing they can help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. They also can boost immunity and help with kidney issues as well as cholesterol.

-Helps keep the eyes strong as well as bones and helps prevent cavities.

And I have been SO afraid to eat grapes for YEARS because they contained sugar. So dumb…grapes are delicious.


Eating Wise

I am less afraid of eating these days. My pants actually fit fairly well today which makes me wonder if my body is starting to balance out. I am trying to chew my food more. I spent quite a bit of yesterday looking up healthy foods, turns out they contain sugar and carbs, but theres a difference between processed and natural carbs/sugars. It’s feeling pretty good to let go of the fear of food. I feel like I am gaining a sense of freedom. Society sucks with the pressure they push onto women about having to be so damn perfect on the outside. I will never let my daughter think society needs to dictate any part of her thinking or her body. The perfect body is dictated by disgusting men who have brainwashed women for centuries and gotten them to judge each other based on appearance but who still like to pretend they are part of any women’s movement to make themselves equal to men….I guess they have in the way of judging and sexualizing females. Luckily this superficial bullshit is changing for the better with each generation.


Drinking Wise

Well, I had a couple glasses of wine last night to relax a bit. I wasn’t concentrating on my homework that great so I decided to listen to some ghost stories while researching healthy food. I probably won’t really have time to drink anything again till the game on Saturday. I am not looking forward to the crowd that night. It’s mens night, ugh last year they were so fucking annoying. I will probably just buy my drinks beforehand and not walk around during intermission. Last year my daughters dad had to keep them from bothering me. I attract the biggest creeps.


So I didn’t go to Baileys meet-up yesterday because I was still dealing with a bad tummy. The stool softeners and laxatives finally worked. It was a rough day. My daughter and her mom were both pretty sick as well, our daughter threw up twice. I think her dad may be getting sick as well. Anyways, I spent the day exhausted and felt undernourished. I did eat though and I drank so much water, I was so thirsty. I am still drinking a lot of fluids and the grapes I think will be good for me because they are mostly water. But yeah, so I put Bailey in daycare today because I will most likely do a 12 hr day. I brought him in early too so I could start my work earlier. So my socializing this weekend was being sick with my family and boys.


Well, this week is payday! I will have some money in my savings on Friday. 🙂  I could put some in now but I want to buy some healthy food today. I think I might make myself a stuffed pepper for dinner tonight. It will be nice to have money in my savings by the end of the week.


I think I might start the gym Wednesday. I would tomorrow but I am babysitting my friends cats so have to give them their meds before work. I think at least being on the elliptical can really help my tummy. I just want to be healthy. I don’t even want to be thin anymore, I want to have muscle. When I worked at the post office I think I was too skinny. I was literally walking myself to starvation. I could see all my ribs and it’s so ironic because even though I could practically see all of them, I still saw myself as fat. I didn’t even have any boobs because I was that skinny. I am probably fairly lucky I quit otherwise I would have easily made it to anorexia.


Well, because finances are getting where they are at I think I will buy some counter chairs this weekend. It will be nice because than I can actually sit down and eat. I will also have room to draw. It’s good to have my life in order.


Well, my lunch is about over so I had better get started on the rest of my shipments. Have a good day peeps, if your anywhere near the midwest, stay warm. Fucking cold…later!



 

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Too much Detail

11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Trying to Explain Myself

My goal in my blog is not to have anyone feel sorry for me, honestly it’s the complete opposite. I cannot stand when people take pity on me thus why I never asked for handouts even in the worst of times. I did go to the food pantry a few times but I felt like an animal for doing so. My past does not define me nor do I need to leave the “past in the past.” The point of this blog is to show progression and recovery. What is said in the beginning is not what it is now. Maybe this is easier to understand for followers who have followed me since day one because it was a larger time span of reading. Getting over my past was so pre-hypnotherapy. After that I embraced my past and separated myself from the little girl and I let her free. This was still a weird thing to experience. I should probably try it again because there are some other things I would like to work on in terms of my eating disorder and extreme phobias. I am happy I went to this session before  the lady left on vacation because it opened the doors for me working more on myself. I only talk about this because I told a guy I went on a date with that going out on dates made me realize what I have and dating will not be something I will do nor want to do. What I have is unique and sacred. Well, he was nice about it but said I had to get over my past and he’s there waiting if I get over it and want to date. This is what I get for being nice and not bluntly honest, buuuut…it did get me to thinking if any of my readers have that persona of me. It was really bothering me, but I guess now if thats where readers cannot comprehend what I am trying to do here, that’s not on me. Again, optimism and not putting myself down for others opinions and judgements.


Oh Meh Gawd…since I was having trouble sleeping throughout the night I decided to try THREE night time teas rather then TWO. Talk about the most fucked up dreams. I knew I was going to have them too because I felt my body and mind fluctuate between one or the other being asleep while not the other. It was a rough night. I contribute this to the tea and getting back on a sleep schedule. Maybe I should stick with one or two? Or if I start going to the gym again maybe my body will be exhausted enough to sleep throughout the night. I sleep in total darkness now, like I turn all my lights off AND have the blinds and curtains closed now. But yeah, the first sign I was going to have a rough night was when I kept thinking I left the burner on, even though I know I didn’t, I just kept worrying about it. WHAT IS IN THAT TEA?


Day 4 of my Month of Sobriety

Honestly, I barely have the urge to even drink. Like there have been some low moods, but I definitely come out of them faster. Yesterday I had one for a little more then an hour, it sure beats days at a time like less then a year ago. But I did not use alcohol for this low mood. I just waited for it to pass and then went on with my evening. I received an order of 9 bottles of wine on the second of this month and they look so pretty on my wine racks. Even though they are in my home I do not feel like they cause an urge or anything. In fact, when I do finally enjoy them, I want to do only one a month for those bottles because 1. They cost me quite a bit and 2. They are special wines not sold in stores, so I want to fully enjoy them. But alas, I have to wait a month before trying any. They are all reds which I find suit the winter months better but I may get a case of whites eventually for the summer months. Either way, still something to be enjoyed. There is hockey this weekend so I need to figure out what I can eat and drink there as sports arenas aren’t exactly full of the healthiest foods or drinks. Like later on after my month of sobriety I can drink Truly’s, but for now, ehm, water? Maybe a few cheese curds?


Eating Wise

Well, I have kept everything down for four days and I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed or anxious, it would just be really nice to take a shit. I ran out of my smooth move tea but I think I will stock up of different teas today. I do feel like I have something working up in my tummy though. I had green tea and coffee for breakfast since I am not really hungry. I think I will have a nice salad for lunch. I keep getting emails for all you can eat buffets and meals, ugh, what gluttonous society we live in. No wonder why other countries hate us. I do not feel my electrolytes and sugar are too far off normal. I am feeling pretty decent.


I went to bed reading my book for awhile. I find it fairly interesting. I should read more of “The Light Between Us.” Theres just so many things I want to read and soon I will have school books to be reading.


I think I will be opening up a savings today, obviously not a huge one, even if its just 20 or 25$, it’s a start. I still have to be comfortable while paying bills.


I suppose today was just an update. There is nothing overly special or eventful going on. I will have to go do some packaging soon. I have a new shipping partner who should be starting in the next couple weeks, then NO MORE of this bitchy packaging partner, even though she has been good since I made a complaint to HR and told her off. She is still exhausting to be around though before I have had my morning coffee finished. My daughters mom once told me if I am happy 60% of the time, then doesn’t that mean I am happy most of the time? I would say I am always above the 50% mark if not often at a 85-90%.  Does that mean I might actually be a happy person? Well, I had better get going peeps and do what I get paid to do. BYES!

Im Okay

To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,

Ethical Contemplating

For Ethics this past week we had to contemplate whether or not assisted suicide should be legal and if so, to what extent. Many of my classmates said it was okay to let someone die if they were in misery health wise but not mental, but could not really give an explanation as to why. There were also many who said that people who commit suicide have mental issues and should seek professional help. I am thinking many of my classmates don’t realize how near impossible it is to get quality health care when you can’t afford health insurance. Also, many people who  grew up in unstable poor homes are often times the ones who need the mental health care the most. The reality is though that our country is beyond broke and programs that can help the poor are over booked so it got me to brainstorming a solution for those wanting to die. First, make assisted suicide legal but in a five part program mode.

Step 1: A person who is suicidal goes into the doctor and says they are ready to die. The doctor books an appointment four months out to be put to sleep and also an appointment for mental therapy. The patient and doctor go over health and mental questionnaires, the main stuff we all know who have been to a doctor for any sort of mental healthcare. Of course there will be pamphlets on support groups and whatnot.

2. About a month later there will be an appointment to go over the reality of death, the permanency and what happens to the body in death. Another health and mental screening will be done, not that it overly matters since the patient will still have free will. It is mainly just a check up and to have the patient be self aware of how they are doing.

3. The next month another appointment will happen, this one to go over spiritual beliefs. This is to not have someone “find god,” or any of that, but to find oneself. Whether one believes in god, spirits, or nothing, everyone should know where their spiritual beliefs lie before death.

4. The next meeting will be another month later, this will be done with family and friends. It is not necessarily an intervention, but a time to let all loved ones know what is coming and to prepare. Ideally suicide would have already been brought up, but in case it hasn’t, it forces reality to come out. This is also to help words come out so people are not left with words to say but no one to say them to because the person who they are for is dead. It is also a time for the suicidal person to see who all they are impacting before they die.

5. The fourth and last meeting will be done a month later. By this time, a person has had four months to contemplate. They know what happens to their bodies, they have hopefully come to terms with their beliefs, and their loved ones have had time to prepare. Their last appointment they can die being surrounded by loved ones or they can  choose to live and go to their therapy appointment that was scheduled. I think having an exact date of death will help people from making a rash decision to blow their heads off. I do not think anyone really wants to go out that way, but when you are in a depressive mindset, the pain seems never ending. This way however, an end date is known so maybe rash decisions won’t be made.

This is not to try to encourage people to commit suicide, but to get them down to reality. It also gives loved ones a chance to say goodbye and hopefully have closure. It also protects loved ones from finding their daughter, son, sibling, parent, or any other loved one dead in a gruesome sort of way. It gives time for a therapy session to be made. If the person still deicides to go through with the suicide, more than likely they would have killed themselves sooner or later. At least a loved one will not have to have that brutal image in their minds for the rest of their lives.


Well, I thought my last weeks ethics was interesting so I thought I would share it with everyone. This assignment did cause me to brainstorm upon the matter.


Today was a long rough day. My finger is all good though except for the outer layer of skin forming. All my restrictions have been taken off, I am going to miss my doctor.  I ran around nonstop today. I am waiting to hear that I screwed up somewhere. I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. I have been feeling like I have forgotten something for a couple weeks now. Maybe it is just stress and waiting to forget something.


BLAHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGG! Well…thats all for today folks….I am going to watching a show or something and than hit the hay! Also…this morning our coffee machine wasn’t working….I didn’t get coffee till almost 9am. It was a sad….sluggish….morning. Tea just doesn’t do the trick at times. Goodnight everyone!

Bomb Diggity

Fat Louie, Mr. Cooper

Ready for the Silence

At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.


It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.


My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.


My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.


Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.

Long EFFIN Day

A long ass day is all I can say. I worked over 10 hours today, which is good. I haven’t been getting a full forty hours lately because I dread being around my partner, but in the new building I will be learning Receiving on top of my Shipping so I am excited, there is a huge garage door that separates her from I. I just want to be able to enjoy my job again, I am proud to be a part of the company. Our company recently made front page for being the next leader in town next to Microsoft…which is funny because we are right in front of their building LOL. I want the feeling of dreading work to go away, maybe it will now. I just know every time I am in the same room as my partner my guard is up. Too be the age she is and that shallow is sad, or maybe she is just that insecure, either way, I think everyone needs to work on themselves. We all have faults, its recognizing them and trying to better them that makes a person superior in my eyes.


I watched a pretty good movie last night….I did not go to bed as early as planned because I took an accidental nap and than was wide awake. “As above, so below,” it was very interesting to me and it is something I will have to watch again to take in the full symbolism.


Well, I am going to go watch some tv and relax. I was literally all over the place today. I am watching some friends cats this week so have to go back and fourth to MN to give one his pills morning and night. Its just a mess at work right now. I did get snarky with my partner and I think she took the hint. I don’t like being like that, but I am not okay with people walking all over me either. YAWWWNNZZZZ….sorta. Goodnight everyone! I will hopefully have more time to write tomorrow. I am doing okay, just am so busy right now. Peace.

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