The Sun Does Exist

Today I did something I don’t remember the last time that I did and that was finish a book. While this might seem trivial, for someone who has never been able to comprehend more than a couple paragraphs at a time, reading a 705 page book is actually quite an accomplishment. It’s title is Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky, a very good read, a little spiritual and creepy but good none the less.

I spent a good chunk of my weekend reading. The book I finished was one I got at Christmas and I would read a little bit every night before bed but for some reason I told myself I wanted to finish it this holiday weekend as I don’t finish things, like ever. So I achieved my goal and am proud.

It was actually very relaxing to have a blizzard go on outside and be curled up in my blanket on the couch with tea. I had my frankincense/myrrh incense going. It’s where I have wanted to see myself for so long but some addiction would always get in the way, whether it be alcohol, purging, mental torment, just anything. It’s relaxing to be free.

Friday and Saturday night hockey was going on. We won both games, first game 4-0 and second game 5-1 I believe. There was a nice fight Saturday nights game, even the other teams goalie was in on it. Had to take about a 10 minute recess so all the penalties and whatnot could be written down, I think at the end there were 8 or 9.

I am starting to get somewhat used to all the alcohol at the arena. It use to be really hard not to drink when everyone around me would drink, especially since this year they really upped the availability of hard liquor, but this weekend it was actually pretty easy. I did have some cravings but holding onto my iolite stone actually seemed to really help with the worst craving. It was weird actually because when I took out my iolite the cravings were washed over with thinking about how great I would feel the next day. I don’t really know how crystals work yet since I am still in the very way beginning but it’s nice to feel the positive energy.

Side note: I don’t understand why people think its so funny and cool to be one of the drunkest states.

I decided to do that monster of a machine again this morning but for a whole hour! Not because I wanted to (I very much hated it like 15 minutes in) but because I made it a goal. Actually it wasn’t even a goal right way, I originally thought I was on the half hour workout till I realized I was on the hour and decided I was going for the hour, it lasted forever but I feel great. My thighs are definitely sore already but it’s a good sore. It’s the one that is like a stair climber mixed in with an elliptical.  I do still want to try some classes, its just a matter of getting my butt into them. There might be a little nervousness of not wanting to look like an idiot either. I will get into it eventually lol.

I ate a lot of tacos this weekend, I am just really in a taco phase. I use the good grains blue taco shells, ground turkey, and peppers, and a small amount of cheese. It was pretty much every meal this weekend with a fruit added. Tacos are just delicious. Fruit is delicious. Food is just good and enjoyable.

My tummy is feeling really good and regular. The worst I think is long over. Now I just have to be good to myself to keep it that way.

Okay, so I believe I mentioned using a patchouli  essential oil roll on, if not oops, but I started it like last weekend. So since it was working so well, this weekend I bought a lava rock ball for my pendant and an oil for it, Prairie Sage Flower, it’s a mixture of lavender, sage, spearmint, lemongrass, and rosemary, and it is amazing. I just feel grounded and positive. I also bought Bailey a spray that is supposed to help with his anxiety which I have noticed it very much does because I am able to brush him. I think many more oils are in my future. I know some you have to be careful with around pets though so I will have to research that more.

There is not much going on other than that, still waiting to hear back from employment opportunities. I have had a lot of passes but that is okay. I will just keep on trying. One step forward, two steps back, get a running start, jump, fall of the cliff and fail, try again till you reach the other side, right? Have a good day meh readers, be good to yourselves, keep living the journey, ground yourself, and enjoy life.




Almost Fully Recovered?

Way Long Ago

I feel like there is a turmoil inside me, like as stupid as it sounds, a dark and a light so to say. I have come so far yet something is still holding me back.

Cut to see if you still feel, but what if you don’t? Push people away because you they don’t deserve to put up with your shit. There is a part of me screaming inside to break free and feel the light while another part is cowering in a warm comforting darkness.

Present Day


I had a pretty terrible IUD crash after withdrawal. You guys were able to see some of it but it became worst from when I stopped blogging. I have to say that was the worst depression I have ever felt, it wasn’t just sadness but I could feel absolutely nothing and if I felt anything it was moments of anger or sadness for no reason. I literally wanted to die, not because of pain but because I could not feel. I intentionally cut myself to make sure I could still feel something but that made it worst because I couldn’t even feel the cuts, like I did, and I felt like they were painful but I also couldn’t feel the pain. I forced myself to sleep a lot. I kept telling myself it was the hormones and I knew there was a possibility I would have it rough since I had such a terrible time with the IUD to begin with. The migraines were barely tolerable, I would be crying at times, Tylenol and water did not help. I drank a ton of water too, I just could not get enough fluids in me yet I was continuously using the bathroom. The migraines caused terrible nightmares, a couple times I had to stay up for awhile because I was afraid to go back to sleep. The bleeding eventually stopped but it was ridiculous going through a tampon every half hour to hour and having to stand in the shower because of all the blood and tissue chunks. I had very little energy and was always bodily weak. My mind could not process straight, which my terribly written blogs can show. I just could not keep a good train of thought. I spent a good chunk of the days staring up at the ceiling for hours without realizing how much time had passed. I just was so far gone. During the worst of it my hair had started to fall out again. That all lasted about two weeks total, like after a week and a half I was doing a lot better but still random bits of fog and tiny weird headaches with like a pressure behind my eyes. I do still get little bits of fog but for the most part I feel really good now. I would say I am 99% great.

Drinking Wise

So somehow during that time I never had a drink, not saying I didn’t crave one, I most definitely did but I knew I couldn’t. I can say I’m over four months sober now fully. It was a long time coming, a majority of last year I felt guilty about drinking. I would actually hide it from my daughters parents and my friends. I just felt shame but also kept telling myself I enjoyed it. I have told my daughters mom to not hold anything back if she remembers how shitty I was when drinking. I used to tell her what I did or said when drunk didn’t matter because I didn’t mean it, ugh what a bitch I was. I want to know though because I am not proud of it but also want to apologize. In time maybe I will have apologized for everything but I think we are headed on a good track with that.

Bulimia Shyt 

So my bulimia did come back full force during the first few days of  my IUD withdrawal. It was happening off and on during my entire time I had my IUD in, so like four months? I would just get very dramatic and emotional and would b/p. The bloat did not help at all. I would say its been almost three weeks since I have binged or purged. It has been rough but Miralax is a life saver. I am getting regular again, every morning regular. I am not dieting or anything, I just eat between 12-8 pm because I’ve read intermediate fasting is great for the tummy, and I have to say I feel a lot better. I am scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on the 27th but I do not know if I will do it. Maybe later down on the road but my thought process is if I am improving and the tummy pains are going away than why have such an expensive procedure. The gastro doctor had told me there’s a nerve that connects the mind and tummy (and I think heart? Don’t quote me on that) and actually recommended yoga and meditation because the mental, physical, and emotional states of the body are all connected, which I knew, I just thought it was really cool that he wasn’t trying to shove meds down my throat. Anyways, food is delicious, I try to get a fruit in a day and some grains otherwise preferably white meat and lots of veggies. If I eat anything processed its whole grains or fiber but I am trying to keep that to a minimum.

Working Out to be Healthy? Is That A thing?

I have also been going to the gym! I have yet to make a consistent schedule but will eventually. I am hoping to join some classes, I was going to go to Yoga this morning but a blizzard convinced me to go back to sleep lol. When I used to go to the gym I would tell myself I needed to get at least an hour of cardio in if not more or it would all be for nothing, well yesterday I woke up later than planned and instead of being discouraged told myself even a half hour is good for me so went. I did a brutal machine that mixed stair climbing and cardio. I felt great but am a little tender today lol. I am enjoying working out, I am just being healthy and happy. There are no real goals right now, like I said I want to eventually join classes but I also would like to lift too. Before I start lifting again I want to make sure my digestive system is fully digesting right so I am not malnourished. It’s a work in progress but all that matters is I feel good.

Spirituality ( wait what?)

AEFC32A4-C445-4A55-BD2F-179989AF3A6FSo I am actually working on my spirituality. Who would have thought right?! Not in a sense of god but finding a foundation of my own beliefs. So I have talked before about the crystal shop that my friend introduced me to, like I have noticed they help but it was never something I gave a second thought, just like oh yeah I’ll wear this on me. Well a week ago I went into the shop because even though I was doing better I just felt so randomly lost. I had been telling my daughters mom for awhile that I feel like I lost or forgot something really important but could not figure out what it was. So I went there because I have always found comfort in the shop and because I have asshole cats who like to steal my crystals and needed to find some new ones. Well there was a psychic (?) there this time who gave me her card and so on a whim I asked how much she charged and what it was about and if I needed to know any dead people because that is something I have seen, like talking to dead loved ones, which I had no desire to do that. But no, I guess she did cards which would help guide me and answer my questions. It was actually really interesting, I felt her feel my energy too, it was the same thing I felt with the hypnotherapist. Anyways, my cards said that I was at a very big time in my life because I was leaving an old me behind and that I have been changing. She said I am a very empathetic person and I have been hurt so much that I have learned to cover it up but my future involves helping people and that’s why I feel so confused is because I need the empathy for that. She actually made me feel like crying when she said that I was empathetic, not the helping people lol. I asked her what if I didn’t want to help people because I don’t like people and she pretty much just said too bad because it’s in my cards lol. I am supposed to start trying new things and start reading up on my philosophy, get the foundation of my beliefs because there will be a day when people will come to me for help and I will need to know how to help them. She saw pointy ears when she “drew”(?) my energy, like a fox or owl. I know a lot of people are skeptical of all that but idk, I honestly felt like she was looking straight into me.

Anyways, I left feeling great and have felt great ever since. So I have been reading the books I bought awhile back, the Wiccan, crystals, and herbal extracts ones. I can actually concentrate on reading now, its amazing. So much of me is starting to make sense but I wont go into that now, I am just finally finding so much of me being pieced together. I just feel so free.

Well, that is probably enough for today, I seem to have written a book full and hockey is about to start so I have to get ready for that. Pure whiteout woohoo! Oh yeah, I also asked the psychic “so I’m not going to die?” and “would the cards even say if I was,” to which she replied I am not going to die, I have too much left to do and they would tell me. Soooo, yay….lets go have fun in a blizzard. Nah, I hate driving when other people are on the roads. I can drive in whiteout and ice no problem, its the other drivers I am weary of. But anywho, more to come. I actually wrote a good chunk yesterday but than my browser restarted and it did not save. So have a good evening everyone, stay safe and warm, be good to yourselves, find your foundation and let life be a journey. Peace.


I don’t know when I will write again, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe never. I can’t really say what’s all going on in my head right now other than nothing good. Well, maybe its more acceptance than anything. The only person who I needed to give up on me has and with that I can finally give up on myself. Giving up on myself makes smiling so much easier now. I do not like this world. I do not like a world where there are ones who are born to survive and those who are born to live. I do not like a world that is dying. I do not like a world where political games get innocent people killed. I suppose thats where my dad would say life’s not fair, and it isn’t, but I have little strength in me for life. There is no pain when there should be. Who knew giving my heart away would be my death sentence lol. Actually, I knew, I just knew she deserved better. There are people who are beyond repair and I finally made the last person who believed in me give up.

Thats all I got peeps.

Awake and Grumbly

My thoughts are a little better so far today. My back is stiff, I think I slept wrong. I had about ten hours of sleep. A majority of the day yesterday I spent laying around. My head does not feel so full of pressure so thats nice, the ache has worn off a little. I do still feel very tired. Well, bacon and eggs for breakfast with an Atkins shake mixed coffee while blogging and listening to Utada Hikaru makes everything a little better.

So I do not understand much of politics other than its like a bunch of rich pigs playing a chess game and the common folk are the pawns, but apparently while I was sleeping the media got on a WWIII fiasco. I do not feel bad about not understanding politics since really who does but the people in politics? Sure people have their outside view and media source but thats still nothing compared to the games that are played behind closed doors. I think Trump is a perfect example of money being able to buy you anything you want in this country and as long as you have a news station representing you then you can speak gibberish and still get an applause. Since when do the meanings of words mean anything anyways, actually there is some truth to that, Native American treaties didn’t mean shit. Anyways, sidetracked a bit, I guess our president killed a top Iranian general whom depending on which news outlet you read, is a big accomplishment or a grave mistake that the president had been weighing on for days and days or something. I can’t say I know whether it was good or bad yet as the ripple effects are yet to be seen, but if a guy has no military experience at all because lets face it, he was a rich brat during Vietnam and we all know they got let off easy while people like my dad went overseas to fight (its okay though, because Trump didn’t support the war anyways…..which means shit because it didn’t matter if the common folk who were forced to go believed in it or not), like if your military advisors are saying “hey this might not be the greatest idea and these are the potential ramifications,” than why the fuck would you do it? Like you say your wanting to stop a war so you kill a general? When your military advisors say that’s probably not going to end it? And what happened to pulling all the soldiers out? Wait, you mean we couldn’t just pull everyone out? Pull everyone out and than bomb the area and its supposed to fix a war that has literally been going on almost 2/3 of my life? Who knows, maybe this all powerful Cheeto God has ended the war, or wars, honestly I don’t even know what war we are in anymore, or if its one or a hundred, does anyone?

Wow I am grumbly today, still though…

Also, for anyone outside America who might be reading this, there really are people who care about Australia burning, and the Amazon, and honestly the whole world, like there are a lot of us who do pay attention. California and Alaska are burning, we have had extreme weather throughout the country (unless you are talking to those who watch Fox News) but for real, there are many of us who are watching and trying to speak up, unfortunately boomers have always loved to shut us up and boomers are the ones in power right now. I should clarify that to say Caucasian boomers. I was warned from a very young age by the village elders how fragile the world was and the ripple effects that come from every decision. Ironically my dad (white) always found it stupid, guess what bitch, they were actually right. The planet is fragile but can also heal quickly, but like any living thing, eventually there is a point of no return. Maybe there are other races whom don’t believe in global warming, but I am surrounded by probably at least 99% Caucasian’s  so I only have a small world view, but I do know plenty of comments on social media love to laugh at people trying to help the planet. I have also read there’s bots who generate a lot of comments too. Everything is fake news spread by fake bots…


Maybe people who don’t conform to society get diagnosed with a disorder so they have to take meds that will make them conform and if they refuse to take meds than they are institutionalized. ( I feel like this has to be a book or movie). Side note: the more alcohol is advertised and pushed on people (or any mind altering substance) than thats less reality one has to deal with, the world is perfect and great. I think there is more then a chemical imbalance as to why depression is growing, humans are not at one with nature.  In the end we are just animals who die and become a part of the earth, there is nothing overly special about humanity. We have created beliefs that make us superior to animals around us because we have intelligence. With the state of the planet and humanity, do we really have intelligence? We are still animals, just with deadlier weapons.

Well, my bacon and eggs are done as is my coffee. I should shower and let Bailey out. My thought processes do seem to be coming back a little. Obviously since I was able to bitch. I am going to try and enjoy today, I mean I probably won’t succeed lol. I will keep being hopeful for jobs though, granted I am sure no one words on weekends. Goodbye everyone.

Post IUD removal, Day 7 (updated)

I can’t say today has improved much. I moved my appointment from yesterday to next Friday, so two weeks post removal. I was in bed a majority of the day yesterday, actually the past few days now, I think, I honestly can’t really remember. I just don’t have the energy to get up and my head always hurts. It has been a week now since I have had my IUD removed. I am trying to keep a routine of some sort, I just have no energy. I barely even have bursts of energy or highs anymore. I just feel like I exist and thats it. My mind is in a fog and I feel a pressure in my head. I think my dog hates me. If I feel any emotion its just sadness for no real reason at all. I was hoping to enjoy my vacation but it has started out fairly shitty. Not caring makes me feel like shit for not caring.

I am tired of purging already, I did again last night. The last thing I need to feel is a streppy like throat. That’s what it makes my throat feel like, I don’t know if thats how everyone who purges feels. I am sure that is causing some imbalance as well. There’s no reason to it, its not comforting at the slightest, not even the familiarity. In fact I don’t feel anything. I can’t even thought process. I think that’s the worst part actually. I have always been able to break down my thoughts and emotions to where they make sense psychologically and I can’t. I have taken two hours to even write this small amount and it makes no sense at all. I can’t have a straight thought process. I want this so bad to be over, I want to feel something.

I think maybe I should take Bailey to PetCo today, let him buy a toy. I feel bad I can’t be a better owner to him. At least I feel some emotion I guess, it’ll go away I am sure.

I am taking care of my friends kitties next week. I am excited for that, I really like them. I like my own cats too, just their 20+ pound cat always makes me feel better.

I was turned down for another job application, twice actually for one application lol, well okay then.

I shouldn’t feel the way that I do. I know I have worked so hard for so much and have come so far. I just can’t get out of this state. I hate it. All I have been doing is sleeping. I was asleep by 930 last night and woke up at around 10 today. I have drank a full pot of coffee almost, finishing up my last cup, and I am still exhausted. Please just some relief soon.

I am going to go shower, do the normal routine. I have a chicken breast thawing so I can wrap it in bacon and steam some vegetables for a nice low carb healthy late lunch. I’ll drink as much water as I can today. Have a good day everyone. I will be surviving.

Update: My hair is starting to break off when I comb it, this has never happened before, and I have been taking biotin everyday the past couple weeks, even upped it. Also my skin feels so itchy. Idk if these are withdrawal signs from hormones, just seemed relevant.

Another Year?

“Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self-respect,”

Oh teabags, how inspiring your quotes can be.

Well, I guess Happy New Year everyone, as if a lot of people aren’t already saying it.

I started the new year out with b/ping about 16 times (maybe more, who knows), whoopdedoo. I can’t say that I really care either, like I wan’t to, I just don’t. I have this weird feeling that 2020 is the year that I die but maybe thats just the hormones.  At least all the holidays are finally fucking over.

Also started the year by being turned down for another job, I really forget how much I suck till I start looking for employment elsewhere.

I have my follow up appointment with my doctor at four today. I am not sure what to really tell her, like if all this shit is withdrawals then she can’t really do anything other then to tell me to wait it out.  No bleeding today though so that is nice. Damn, talk about severe depression the past couple days. I just can’t even seem to care about living, what’s dumb is I will probably be getting a high soon.

I have a cousin who gave her kid up for adoption last Fall, she’s not doing well at all. I reached out a couple weeks ago hoping to be somewhat helpful, I failed pretty miserably lol, in fact I think she made me feel kinda worst, not intentionally. I think she blames me partly because I told her when she was considering adoption that her child would be better off, which he is. I always figured kids being better off was better than the birth moms being better off. I think she feels sort of tricked even though she has said he has a much better future. In my mind a kid who has a brighter future out ranks a fucked up birth mom who will probably wind up killing herself.  Let’s face it, the suicide rate among natives is the highest rate in the country. Although I think with my cousin its most likely going to be drug overdose. I don’t think she is really into anything yet but she is definitely drunk all the time and her mom is an addict, a lot of our family is. I have disassociated myself with them but she is surrounded by them. Her mom tries to comfort her by saying she knows what its like to lose a child because her child was lost to SIDS. I mean, it had nothing to do with her shooting up and not feeding or changing her newborn for days. It’s cheaper to say SIDS than to investigate.  Anyways, I do not think I will be reaching out to her for awhile. She is a lost cause honestly. My other cousin, her brother, lives in town too I guess, he is just getting out of a halfway house. He has been trying to reach out to me but I do not get mixed up with extended family. Reaching out to his sister was the first time I really have since my grandma died a while back and obviously that didn’t go well. I am glad he is sober though.

I suppose I should do the whole resolution thing, even though I have never liked it. Here goes…

New Years Resolutions- goal is 80% success rate

1.Get completely out of debt, this is honestly a very possible dream, other than student loans. I can attempt to have the consolidation loan paid off early and get the rest of the debts in order, just need that second job, it will happen. My friend says if I wish it and see it than it will come true.

2. Lose 40-50 lbs. I know that this should not be a thing with someone whom has a history of bulimia but I also know that being obese at this point with the recovery weight gain is not healthy either. I really don’t think the bulimia should even be an issue, it didn’t start back up again until my hormones changed.

3. Go to the gym, woooo cliche’s! Having a sit down job my body is honestly not handling it well. I feel myself getting weaker everyday. I hate having a sitting job.

4. Stay sober for a year? Technically thats not a resolution as I have been sober since September 14th. I hate a big chunk of it too. I think birth-moms are meant to drink lol. Drink and die off because we are obviously just pieces of shit.

5. Skydiving? Although a part of me is too chicken to do this now, I think it would still be a good thing.

6. Stop fucking vomiting, although for how long? I will put 11/12 months.

7. Stick with meditation, drawing, writing, reading, all the shit I enjoy. I need more stones and extracts.

8. Make a million dollars, because why not? I am allowed a 20% failure rate. And with that I will put a savings account, hit two birds with one stone.

9. Eat healthy, ummm…majority of the year….

10. I don’t know, love myself or some dumb shit.

My mood has shifted….

I need to donate plasma today. It’s kind of shit being poor, granted I know I am not. I have security, reliability, and necessities, just at what point does one stop being poor to be able to afford that? I suppose the answer fluctuates with the economy. Oh gawd its election year, ugh. Maybe I really will die this year. It sucks being brown in a country where it means your from Mexico and if you aren’t then it means you are scum from a reservation. Is there any place where racism does not exist? I know we are supposed to be the “best country in the world,” and the only “free country,” or some bullshit. That’s sad if its true though.

I need a refill on my coffee. Goodbye peeps, I have to somehow find the energy to last this day.

Oh yes, and if you are wondering how someone becomes a dramatic screw up, here ya go 😀


Day 3-4 IUD Removal

Well, day 3 of the IUD removal (yesterday) was shit to say the least. After using up 18 tampons the afternoon before and yesterday morning I was finally able to shovel myself out to go buy more before I completely ran out. That was fun but once I bought the super plus my body decided to calm down so now I am back to light bleeding. Last night though was like shit to say the least. I have been feeling weird off and on but last night I felt really weird and I am fairly certain I blacked out. Like I was playing on the floor with Bailey and next thing I know its two hours later. I had the worst migraine so decided to go to bed. I couldn’t get enough water either, I was drinking a couple glasses an hour if not more and continuously using the bathroom. I had a lot of nightmares all night too. I remember falling asleep but I was in sleep paralysis I think. I was inside of dreams. I kept trying to turn on my lights and wake myself up but I would just wake up inside another dream and couldn’t move. It all took place in my bed so that is why I think it was paralysis, and also my watch didn’t catch any sleep activity at all which I found weird as I should have technically been sleeping when I passed out and than during the nightmares, all together which should have been at least four hours if not more. When I awoke from that my head was really bad and I was sweat soaked. I ended up stepping outside for a while to cool down, mind you its like subzero outside but it felt good. I drank a lot more water before heading to bed but when I would drift off I kept hearing voices in my head, it was like a radio female voice explaining things to me but I could not understand her, like I could but it didn’t make sense.

This morning I woke up fairly okay, drained but okay. My tummy really hurt, still kind of does a little but I see the gastro next Wednesday. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday for a follow up with the removal.

I feel okay I guess right now. I don’t feel like I need to punch a wall so thats nice. I have felt so angry lately at everyone and everything. I took some ibuprofen for my headache. I ate bacon and eggs for lunch and had coffee, just keeping my routine normal I guess. I am on vacation starting tomorrow for 11 days. I hope thats enough time for the hormonal withdrawal. I feel like I could sleep for days. I just get these random bits of fatigue and than have energy the next. I had some hair loss in the shower today, I will take some extra biotin to help with that. The water bloat has subsided considerably. I am so happy for that.

Actually I think I have become kinda blah now. I feel numb again, my hands feel weird too.

So enough about the IUD crap, there’s nothing good with that lol. A new year is coming right? A lot of people seem to be excited yet again for hangovers and broken resolutions. I should be optimistic, after all I pretty much succeeded with my goals last year. I guess not the savings. I could start one for the new year lol.

Also, side note, I literally just felt the fog rise out of my head, it was like an invisible string being pulled….wtf bruh..

I still don’t fully recall what my resolutions were, I think the only ones I didn’t complete were the sky diving and savings. I do feel like the IUD held me back a bit. Who knows how much good the sobriety has done for me since my hormones have been screwed up. I am trying to make sense right now but I do not feel like I am, I feel all over the place. I do work tonight, I am trying to be easy on myself.

I am thinking of joining the gym again. I have wanted to for awhile, I just have been dealing with so many low moods and stress that I have had no ambition to go. I really do think those will go away. I do not have to worry about being so hungover either this time around.

Ugh okay, extreme depression is here now.

I am going to go and take a shower and read for a bit. Have a good day my friends.

Also, I am not trying to scare anyone away from getting an IUD, I’ve heard it works great for some, just not me I guess. It makes sense if I already have a chemical imbalance and have never really reacted great to birth control, I mean it has never been anything like this but still.

Kay, now here I go, although now that depression is lifting, ugh gawd.