Running Start

I applied for the biomanufacturing place I used to work, I doubt I will get it but I doesn’t hurt to try. I do not like feeling like I am on a sinking ship. I also want to have a career where I know I make some sort of impact in the world. I won’t be even close to the department I was once in but instead in research grade labs if I get the position. It’s worth a try, the worst they can say is no and I am still waiting for something better to come along. I really do need to learn to bite my tongue more, I have been considering a tongue ring for this reason.


Today was a good day, I spent it with my daughter and her mom. We have been talking more about internal feelings and such to get them out and open. I think its a good thing. There was no fighting, but damn, I was a really bitchy fucking hurtful drunk. I never wanted to hear it before. I always told my daughters mom that if I said anything it didn’t matter because I was drunk but that shits not right. It does help me though because there have been times I think one drink won’t be too terrible but shit, it will.

My dad is an alcoholic, the same kind as me, can go years and whatever without it but when he has it he can’t stop. I know he gets cravings and whatnot but I think the therapy has really helped him. (I know I have mentioned in my book about growing up with a dad with PTSD from Vietnam and other life’s trauma, and now the agent orange being the fucker it is) Anyways, the reason he said he stopped drinking was when my two oldest brothers were kids *before my third brother was born* he was hungover pretty bad all day one day. When he put the boys to bed they said their nighttime prayers and my second oldest brother prayed that his daddy would never be so sick again. He never really drank again after that, I know him and my mom had started trying wine last year but stopped abruptly, never said why but I am fairly certain something happened. Anyways, a guilty image I always have of myself is being hungover on my daughters parents couch when she was a little toddler, like maybe a year old, possibly two but still little, and I was too hungover on the couch to really enjoy the time with them. It’s shameful to think about but I don’t want to miss anymore times like that. I also don’t ever want to say hurtful shit while drunk again. Alcohol is a bitch.


We did not end up getting the Armageddon blizzard everyone was talking about, just a few inches and much of it melted as it landed. I was fairly bummed because I have really been wanting to try out my AWD on my car I got earlier this year. Oh well, its still the beginning of winter, not even actually.


I am going to try and make the holidays the best they can be for my daughter. We are going to decorate their home tomorrow. I want my daughter to have great memories about Christmas.


I need to be more appreciative of what I have. I have worked very hard to achieve all that I wanted, and even though I am not yet where I want I have worked very fucking hard. I just need to learn to breath. I am getting better at that I know but damn, I just need to calm down at times. I am in a place I could only dream of four years ago, shit even three, hell maybe even two. I will be successful. I just gotta breath.


Well, that was my update for today peeps. I hope everyone had a good one, I am trying to find a new show to binge watch, I am on withdrawal from The Handmaids Tale. I think I might start some K-Drama or something. Have a good night everyone, be good to yourselves, and if your not, thats okay too, just don’t be too hard on yourself. Good night.

Blizzard

Here comes the storm, all grey and white, I knew Alaska could never leave me. The air is heavy. Climate change, whata bitch. Anyways, we should be getting 12-17 inches of snow, yay! It’s okay, sometimes I feel like I relate to the skies more than anything. Years of raping and beating the planet and its breaking down. Actually no, I don’t see it as breaking down but evolving. It is true the climate change does not mean the end of the world, but it could mean the end of a big chunk of humanity and the end of simple innocent creatures. A harsher reality so to say. Hmm…a harsher me? I always heard that cockroaches could survive WWIII. Who would have thought WWIII wouldn’t be the end of humanity as we know it? Well, maybe we will get lucky.


I spent the day fighting with my daughters mom. It’s been more and more lately, I suppose its both our faults, maybe its not even a fault. She acts on logic and I act on emotions. It’s exhausting. I am getting tired of pretending to smile and laugh. Oh yeah, I got let go front the grocery store, I was trying to be nice and let them know that they may need a backup for me because I will be interviewing for a higher paying position. Oh well, I think Bailey will enjoy me being home more, that is, till I potentially start a new position. Ugh, now I really hope I get it. I am debating on getting my nails done to look more professional.


The bulimia and alcoholism are at bay, which is interesting considering my day was pretty draining. Hmm, lets see, its been 2.5 months now since I last drank and 2 months maybe since I last purged? I can’t remember if I talked about the small relapse. I can’t be too hard on myself, I stopped it, I stopped them both. No purging, no cutting, no drinking, just video games, reading, walking, drawing, singing, writing, and crying. Ugh the crying is what gets me though, gives me such a headache and ugly eyes. It’ll get better, I’ll get better. I am trying, gotta take a step back to get a running leap forward right?


Run motherfucker run, don’t look back, just dream big and run.

I need to learn to relax.


Well, I said I wanted to start blogging again regularly for self therapy. I am not sure what all therapy this will do, but hey, life cant be unicorns and butterflies all the time right? And I seem to get more readers when I am down lol. Maybe I am just more relatable. A good life is fairly boring to listen to right? Shit, a good life seems so boring, maybe thats why I can never seem to stay there. Well, have a good night everyone. Be good to yourselves, keep running, do better than me.

Invincible

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.


I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 


I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.


I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.


It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 


I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.