Happy New Year! I am starting off the new year rather cliche. My goals have become new years resolutions.
Cliche #1: I will start eating healthy and the diet I feel the greatest on is low carb obviously. Yesterday it started well, and in order for me to have any sort of chance of success with this is to stop the b/p. So, I did not yesterday, however I am feeling the amazing effects of it today. I took a probiotic and had some smooth move tea to help my tummy, I did not eat breakfast though since I am not hungry. I had a low carb pizza and salad for dinner, and had a lot of salad for lunch, yesterday, since I know I need the fiber. I feel very bloated today but am drinking as much water as I can to help with my digestive process.
Cliche#2: Okay, so I know I have talked about this whole going sober for a month thing, well before the holidays is TERRIBLE timing. But now that its a boring month and school is starting, why not start? I hear it is actually a thing for people to go sober for January. Also, if I am trying to get my body digesting again I can’t have the sugar from the alcohol screwing up my electrolytes since my body is not used to food.
Cliche#3:By 2020 I want to actually have somewhat of a savings. I consolidated all of my debt last year which along with my car payment, takes a good chunk of my income, but the loan should be paid back in 2020. Even if I end the year with only $300, I still want something to show I can hold onto money, while paying debt and bills. B/P gets to be extremely expensive too, I think it would honestly save me about 300$ a month if I would stop, and then combine that with the alcohol that gives the B/P side effects temporary fixes, I will probably save a lot more.
Cliche#4: I want to actually USE the gym membership I pay for. Ok, so this one I know EVERYONE says, but I actually have a membership and literally live right next door to my gym….also the bakery but thats beside the point. But I need to use my gym membership for more then just tanning, and also I get reimbursed if I go so many times…sooo…more money saved by going.
Cliche#5: This one may not be as cliche as the rest, but I have decided instead of writing a memoir type thing about my life as I was wanting to do with my blogs, maybe I should write more of a non-fiction, fiction, first person POV book. I say fiction, non-ficiton, because I have no idea the way I am going to go with it, but I will be using my creative writing class for my advantage.
Cliche#6: I want to start reading more. I am not talking about school books, but fictional books just for fun. I used to read a lot and I miss that, so even if its 10 minutes or an hour a day, this is something I would like to make time for.
Cliche#7: Eventually I want to start drawing again. I used to be very good at art but too many bad memories ruined it for me. I love my parents, but boy were they dicks when it came to my art. My dad had no problem telling me about starving artists when I wanted to be an artist and I recall my mom ripping off all my pictures off my walls and tearing them up because I liked to draw anime. Art is a really big side of me I lost and now that I see my daughter loving it and already being very good at it, I want to try it again.
Cliche#8: I will go skydiving this summer. JUST.DO.IT.
Cliche#9: I will try my best to find good in any day
Cliche:#10: I will become more sociable, even if its dog meet-ups, after all, I am fairly busy. I would like to find friends who like to go hiking and stuff because there are places I want to see and experience.
So…not too hard of items, and I am well on my way with a lot of them. I want my goals for this year to stem off my accomplishments of last year.
2nd Day of my Month of Sobriety
So my last drink was New Years Eve, I might actually be detoxing some, or its the food I kept down, I am not sure. All I know is I had my night time tea last night and I crashed early and slept hard. I also seemed to have sweat a lot. I feel okay today other then my tummy, so I am not sure if its the food or the alcohol. I don’t think I was drinking that much, but who is to say what too much is? I will keep everyone updated.
Honestly, this is something that will probably never happen. I am too in love with our family, my daughter and her parents. We are a family, a new one at that who are trying to figure everything out. My feelings don’t fully make sense for me on this. Going out on dates has made me realize my family is sacred to me and I can never, and don’t want to, let anyone else in. Also, I have too many personalities for one person and very much like my own space and independence. Trying to figure out our family along with work and school already takes 90% of my time, I need time for me also and the boys. Besides, I have a solid year plan ahead of me.
Well, I started this yesterday but then became busy with my family and my daughter had tons of energy so I didn’t get to finish. I will try to keep up with blogging this year, well, I have blogged half of this year 😀 . I had better get to work now however, I have so many shipments today. Ugh Procrastination. Well, Happy New Year everyone, start it with being the best you can be!
To all my readers I know I have not written in a while. I have been going through many changes. I took the leap to find a safe nice place that I can call home, and I did. I will take pictures later on. I just wanted my readers to know I am okay and alive. I have not done anything harmful, although times have been stressful enough I have definitely thought of doing so, but I haven’t and I won’t. I am keeping strong. It has been stressful these past few weeks. I am realizing where I belong in my daughters family and I am trying to find out where I am in my life. I love my new apartment, I feel safe and I have been sleeping in the dark with ALL the lights off. I just wanted everyone to know I am okay,
Could I one day feel normal?
Is there a chance that I can be happy and not have all the weight of anxiety on me?
Can I shut my mind off from all the thoughts? Without wine?
Will I finally be able to find what I am missing?
Well, today was a pretty decent day. I may have drank a little too much last night as I slept in till 11 but honestly, I do not feel anything negative with it. I definitely relaxed. I had eggs for breakfast with coffee and than went and had lunch with an old friend of mine. I went to the chiropractor and it felt AMAZING! like AHMAZING!!!!. He could tell there was a lot going on with my back and neck and honestly he found areas that were not doing so hot that I didn’t even notice. After all, I am not going to really pay attention to lesser pain elsewhere when I am feeling pain that can be compared to the pain level of labor. I will go see him again Friday and than three times next week. It will be a fairly continuous appointment for the time being. Oh gawd, you should have heard my satchel shoulder, it was SO LOUD! and not just on crack, it was like hundreds of cracks within a couple seconds. It was crazy! He cracked my spine and neck. The cracking of the neck was a little nerving and very loud. He cracked my lower back also, the left being crazy loud as well. Honestly, the whole thing was very loud. It felt so great though and when I stood up I felt so light. Every time he cracked me I would get this rush of warmth. It was very weird. Tonight, however, the pains are coming back but I am VERY excited to see him again. It was amazing, just so amazing.
I went to go look at a couple friends shop today where they design shirts. My daughters mom works for them. They put the designs on the shirts. It was pretty cool. I am hoping they give me some hours to work, after all hockey games can get a little pricey with beer and fries. But honestly, the pub fries are the bomb and OMG the cheese curds. I am getting psyched for hockey to start. It would be nice to help out at a job where there is no drama.
I didn’t do as much homework as I was hoping to today but I still got done what I needed to. I think I will be doing my speech assignment tomorrow where its impromptu. It’s sorta weird for an online class. I am honestly very good at speaking these days I think. Tomorrow will hopefully be milder at work. I hope my partner stays away from me as much as possible. If not, than I guess I will run and hide. It just sucks because I enjoy my job and take great pride in working for a company that makes a huge difference and who has amazing goals. I am proud to tell people of my job. Even though I am just a little guy I am very proud to be a part of the companies dreams. Oh well, I have done what I can on giving my manager notice of how I am feeling. It was nice to enjoy a day away from her. And most of the time I can handle her, but after a while it just gets exhausting. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to ask her a simple question on a daily basis.
Well, I better head to bed peeps. I have a long day tomorrow. I was fairly good to myself today. The chiropractor was amazing. I had better hit the hay. Have a good night everyone.
So today really sucked and there was no reason for it to. Work should have been very easy. I only had four shipments to do, so roughly three hours worth of work there and than paperwork for the rest. Easy, right? No! Because I have a bitch for a sidekick who has way too many insecurities and that she feels the need to always be in charge of something and some drama always has to go on for her to live. I am understanding more why her husband being a truck driver who is gone for days at a time works out well. I know I should be trying to feel empathy because after all, majoring in Psychology should mean I should have better understanding, and I try, but honestly being around so much negativity is exhausting. And it sucks because she can be very nice, but it is normally when she wants something, but that much niceness can’t be all fake, right? Because she showed sympathy towards me that one day I was hurt. But than she can be so nasty a lot of the time, and the only time she is decent to me is when her eyes are fixed on someone else. I am in such a confuzzled state of mind because I want to tell her off but I know that will solve nothing, maybe it will make her respect me more or to shut up, but than I feel guilty because she is just an older typical baby-boomer who is realizing how far she is being left behind in society. I am sure it doesn’t help that she lost her job of 27 years a couple years ago , thus why she came to work for the company we work at. She has so many insecurities. But she chooses not to see them, so should I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated? My manager told me to take a day off if I need to. I told him everything that has been going on and he completely understands. He said he couldn’t even be around such negativity all the time but she is also a very hardworking person. These feelings are just exhausting me. Why can’t I just be either a cold hard bitch or a really nice person who never questions? END OF RANT!
Well…that was my day. I had to let it all out. I finally talked to my manager about everything. I told him I love being a part of the company I work for and am proud of it, and I do not want to switch departments because I honestly like the work that I do and it works great with school. I do not want to quit at all so I just feel stuck. He completely understood and will talk to my coworker tomorrow…apparently he has had to before. It was weird going to a manager with my concerns and irritations, after all, I am used to management being the last people to go to. In the post office, management only looks out for themselves and I needed to know all my rights to protect myself from them, now I am supposed to do a 180. Maybe I do need to start trusting more. I have always been addicted to misery, it is comfortable. I am sure that is why I loved the post office so much in a weird way. However, I am having all these weird feelings of empathy and trying to understand people and not being afraid to ask for help or guidance. Its almost a mental fuck.
I said previously I would upload some pictures of my apartment so you could have a better idea of my style. I was going to do a lot more with my apartment but since I may not stay here as long as I thought, I do not know how much I will add. I normally do season décor, but I don’t know, I kind of just want to start budgeting and saving up for an affordable safe nice place, or even maybe a condo.
Either way, I like my style. In the office there is a cat tree and soon to be LOTR Posters on the walls. I have to be here till at least May though so might as well make it as homey as possible.
Well, sorry for the late blog. I was not sure what to write about since my mind was being so frustrated. It really did exhaust me. I was in bed by eleven last night and read a book a reader sent me (you know who you are, but I must apologize I am a slow reader and the tea kicked in pretty quickly, but its very interesting!) So I had a pretty damn good nights sleep. I woke up feeling great and got a start on homework. I had bacon, eggs, and coffee and took Bailey out. But than I got to work and my coworker was being her amazing self, so I don’t know, its exhausting. I actually stuck to my meat and veggies all day. I took a bath tonight with a little wine tonight to relax. I think I will watch some Netflix. If I take tomorrow off I will use it as a great opportunity to study and get caught up and ahead in some classes. I should donate plasma too. I tried to be as good to myself as possible today, and not too shabby honestly. If I feel I will not be good to myself tomorrow, than I will enjoy a day off. Sometimes you just need a break from bitches. Well, have a good night everyone!
“Sometimes I can soak up information like a sponge, other times I can barely comprehend my own name.”
The hardest part of having a mental illness is when I know and feel all my imbalances. My negative emotions are the tell tale sign of childhood trauma. I love and have the sexual desires of someone my age, however when it comes to dealing with negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and fear, they are a lot harder to control. I can break down hard when grieving and depressed, but I also have a strong will to survive. I can feel when I have a depression sinking in and know it will pass so I wait it out. I cower in a fetal position when scared, such as a child would. I have also been able to switch my mood to fearless in times of being scared also. I can feel when a numbness is close if my feelings get too strong, and if they do, I can choose to let the numbing sink in. Is being so self aware an abnormally in itself?
A drunk man startled me when I was taking Bailey for a walk during lunch yesterday. He was barely able to walk straight and his face was fairly bruised up. He reached out for me, I am not sure he tried to grab me or was about to topple over, he had very slurred speech, either way, I did not like it. After I told him to go away a lady taking her baby for a walk came by and he started bothering her, she tried to go around him and then a lady who was jogging by yelled at him to go away otherwise she would be calling the cops. He stumbled to the apartment complex next to mine, I have shitty neighbors. I think she did end up calling the cops because as I was leaving to go back to work I saw two cops going in the direction of the apartments. This really bothered me yesterday but than I have to wonder did it really bother me because I was in any danger or because I have underlying fear of being hurt again, so any sense of danger I have my guard up? I hate where I live. This morning I was woken up with my downstairs neighbors fighting at 6am. I saw the girl this evening and boy her face looked rough. Normally it is the neighbors across from me who fight. The day before yesterday there was a weird guy standing outside the door waiting for them to get home. My lease is up in May and I can move. That is quite a while, I am going to have to try to figure the safest ways to take Bailey out early in the morning before work and at night for his last potty time. I am thinking I will be coming over to my daughters home and her mom will walk with me. They live in a safe neighborhood. I do not often feel safe in my place, there are a lot more weirdos moving in. Oh well, what can happen that hasn’t been done before, right? I just have to wait till May.
Sorry for the late blog everyone. I actually had it going this morning, but than I was baking cookies and playing with my daughter so ran out of time. Have a good evening everyone. Good night.
I woke up very off this morning and a tad bit emotional but physically feeling pretty well. I cannot wait till daylight savings time so its lighter earlier. I do get uneasy being out alone in the dark. I do not like the dark in general actually….but enjoy night time in some contradictory way. Normally I would get up earlier so I could take Bailey out for a walk, but since I work at 7 theres less time to do that these days now that my window of sunlight is smaller. I could try to do it during work but once we are in our new building I will not live next to work anymore so cannot just disappear for that amount of time.
I Have Got To Start Working On This Shit
I ate fairly well yesterday, I had a lot of salad and veggies plus some meats. This may sound a bit gross but I already had a bowel movement today. For some reason my body has always been somewhat superhuman when it has come to recovering and being healthy. The last time I tried recovering from my eating disorder was back in January. I dealt with a lot of bad bloat for a week but than my body was digesting food normally afterwards. I was doing really well for like two months, I kept food down and was enjoying everything I was eating. I even had a pizza/beer video game day. My body processed it all fine.
What caused me to start purging again was I got so hungover that I threw up. Once I had that feeling of vomiting, my body was hooked again. I drank hard the night before that day, but I also took in a lot more alcohol than normal because I wasn’t throwing it up. I normally have always binged while drinking and then purged after. I have mentioned before about almost drinking myself to death after I left the post office. I had no sense of self and could not find a point to my existence. There were many mornings I would wake up shaking and not able to talk right, none the less keep my thoughts on track, I kept forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence. I would take Zofran to get me through the work day. I could feel my body literally shutting down sometimes. My tummy would hurt so bad and I could barely move and I would have weird stiffness all over my body. I am not proud of those months, but I would never be where I am at now if I didn’t know what true hopelessness for myself felt like.
I know I am different these days, I am a lot stronger and have goals again. I have an ideal image of who I would like to be. Like I have said before, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and now I need to work on this eating disorder. I am very busy these days, I know I drank a lot also out of boredom in the past. I just finished off a bottle of wine last night that I bought four days ago. Even on a light drinking day I would go through a bottle of wine easily. I just have no time, and honestly that is okay with me. I don’t feel like I need it, and some nights I don’t even want it so I don’t. I almost feel normal, but I won’t let myself be fooled by that thought. I am not normal but I am fairly self intuitive.
My Mind is my Greatest Strength, but also my Greatest Weakness
I wish there were pictures of who I am today compared to five years ago. Five years ago I was a major party whore who gave up on life. I feel bad for her now. Its actually quite amazing when I think of how far I have come. If that girl were to see where she would end up, she honestly would not have believed it. I have learned to love from my daughter and her family as well as gained hope and inner strength. I have learned what real pride feels like from the post office and developed endurance and outer strength. There is nothing in my way right now to becoming who I want to be but myself.
Well, it is my Friday everyone, four day weekend, WHOOO! I have a lot of reading to do for school but with a four day weekend it will be no problem. My focus this weekend will be school, eating healthy, and relaxing. I do have laundry to do…Blah. I should do some fall cleaning now that I can open my windows. I think we are all going to the lake Saturday. Who knows what else this weekend will bring. Well, have a good day peeps.